It's Magic!

For a magic trick to work you have to pretend it's not a trick. You have to have an agreement with the magician that they won't show you how it's done and you won't look too hard to see how it's done. You both know it's a trick, but you both have to pretend it isn't. 

A flash is what it's called when a magician misses the trick. When they don't get their fingers closed quick enough and you see the coin in their palm, when the light on stage hits the filament line and you clearly see it. When the table cloth slips and you see the shelf under the table. Any of those is a flash. As soon as you see the flash the suspension of disbelief is over. 

Magic only works if you are willing to ignore the things that you know aren't real. And you can either do that because the magician is so good at their craft that you never see the trick or because you are willing to go along for the ride. 

Which leads us to...Harry Potter. 

Man, what a great magic ride that was! Katie and I started reading the books when she was still in elementary school. We quickly caught up to what was published and started the wait for the new book life. Harry aged with Katie. The books matured with her as well. Went from being lighter to darker stories. But the thing that didn't change is we read them together, I read them out loud to her first; even the last one that came out when she was in high school. That world holds such a special place in my heart because of those memories. 

For my 50th birthday we went to Universal in California and did their Harry Potter World. Walking into that world was so exciting. Being there with my child was thrilling. Getting to touch and feel and see so many things rendered so painstakingly. It was lovely. 

But then...

You all know how I've struggled with JK Rowling and her TERFy ways. How she just needs to keep her mouth shut about things. But she didn't. She doesn't. And so there was the flash. The pieces that made me look at the magic trick a little differently.

And it doesn't work anymore. When you look at how she lets you know you shouldn't trust Rita Skeeter she describes how manly she is. Hunh..well there it was. When you look at the world she built, it's really a mean world. Talk to people about their least favorite subplots and a lot will mention S.P.E.W. But why do they hate it? Because it's boring? Well so is wandering the woods for 300 pages more than you needed to. In my opinion it's because it's written in such a way that you are supposed to find Hermione earnest, but misguided. I mean, house elves WANT to work for no money. It's just the way they are. Dobby was an exception, not the rule. 

So... you will see that exact argument made before the Civil War. Look, they LIKE to work. They are just different than us. We are doing them a favor. Most would keep doing it even if we didn't force them to. It's a kindness really. 

Hunh.

Any magical creature is kept under the thumb of the wizards. The Forbidden Forest, the Goblins, the House Elves. It goes on and on. If you view the stories through a colonialism is actually good lens then they are perfection. If you view them through a lens of I've been soaking in this messaging all of my life so it's really easy to not notice it unless you point it out then they are also perfect.

But once that flash happens...You can't. Not anymore. They lose the magic. I've seen behind the curtain and the great and powerful Oz is a nasty little thing.

I had noticed it during the last Fantastic Beasts movie. We left the theater really confused as to what we had just seen. Was the bad guy really a good guy? Did the wizards decide fighting him was so important that they would ignore stopping WWII? And if the mentions in the book about that battle actually line up with WWII does that mean she is saying that the muggle deaths that happened and were blamed on civilians instead of the wizards that actually did it were from WWII? And does that make her a holocaust denier? I mean...surely not. And of course the next movie might just explain all of that away nicely but...I won't see it. Because the flash has happened. The magic doesn't hold. 

I gave away my Ravenclaw sweatshirt a few months ago. I had stopped wearing it. It would work its way to the top of the pile and I would put it back to the bottom. Not really thinking about why, just I didn't feel like wearing it that day. Or the next. Or any. 

When Katie was here last month I took a deep breath and told her I was thinking about getting rid of the books. Or at least packing them away so they weren't on the shelf. This was actually hard for me to bring up. Because those books are a huge part of us. Those memories of bedtime stories and couch snuggles and her liking my voices better than the actors in the movie and dissecting each movie when it came out to compare to the books and the times we both had reread the entire series and gotten something new to talk about out of them and...she said she was getting rid of her copies when she moved. 

We were on the same page. 

Which, of course we were. I mean JK is a TERF. You can't really get past that part when she's talking about your family or yourself. 

We talked about how important the memories of the books are, and that we will always hold those dear but just can't with the world anymore. 

Then I mentioned I do love my Ravenclaw notebook and maybe I would keep that and just block out the claw part and make it Ravens like Maleficent? And Katie looked at me (her face doing that MY face thing) and said, "Because it's so hard to find a good notebook?"

She's right. 

Once you see the flash the magic is gone. 

I See You....

You all know I love a pattern and what I love THE MOST is when a pattern comes without force.

Today I published the last blog from what I wrote while Katie wasn't out yet and I was processing the new information that I have a daughter. Today is International Transgender Day of Visibility.

How fucking cool is THAT timing? 

(For anyone who hasn't read the other 8 pieces start here)

Katie let us know when she was ready to come out at work. That was the piece we were waiting on for her to fully come out everywhere else. We wanted to tell family first before there was a change on Facebook to Katie's name and status and we were worried about how it was going to go. 

Or not exactly worried, but not at all sure it was going to go well. I knew my brother's kids would be perfectly fine and my brother most likely would not be. My sisters were wild cards on how they would react. Brent's family is also very religious and conservative and we weren't sure. Though his cousin had posted something a month or so ago that made us both think....hmmm....maybe this is going to go well. And it did. Family was all on board with expressing nothing but love for Katie.

She came out at work and we got rolling. She changed her name and posted a "Hey! Great news!" status and I followed suit. 

And the reaction has been...

Well great actually. 

Mostly, like 98%, positive. A few responses that were clearly written to be neutral. Which I will take over negative for sure. And one hiccup. And even that hiccup was met with a long discussion about why what was posted was not okay and how to be better followed by a sincere apology and moving forward with more understanding. So I mean, that's outstanding right?

So here we are. Now we don't have to do the "which pronouns are you privy to" tango. We can freely use daughter, she, and Katie. Which I have to say feels so great. Just such a relief to not have to self censor when talking about my child and how great she is. Because I do spend a lot of time talking about her. I always have, that has not changed. 

What I hope this series did was give you just a little insight in how we processed finding out that our child is trans. I hope it gave you a little information on how families can adjust. And you know that when you've heard one story about transition you've heard, well, one story about transition. There is no standard transition story any more than there is one standard story for anyone's life. Everyone is unique. Everyone has their own challenges and their own blessings. 

For Katie we all really understand and appreciate that support from her parents was never going to be a challenge. She knew she could tell us and not worry about being rejected. But the world isn't just us. She also knows that there are going to be real challenges out there. 

For instance, because of where she was born unless the Federal government steps in with rule changes she is never going to be able to change her birth certificate. If she had been born where she was conceived or where she was raised that would be different. But Idaho is not California or Oregon so she will always have to have a paper trail of documents showing her old name to her real name. 

She will always have to be cautious in ways she wasn't before. When she was here cat sitting for us while we were on vacation we watched some Michigan basketball the day before she left. Her father and I were both in our Michigan shirts and I said something to Katie about not wearing hers. She said, "I'm saving it for tomorrow." I said, "Well aren't you optimistic!" thinking to myself that she was sure we'd win and she'd want to wear the one Michigan thing she brought the next day. Her response was, "Sure, let's go with that." It wasn't until the next day that I tripped to why she had saved it. She was flying back home that day and by wearing her Michigan shirt she presented a little more masculine. And all of her ID is in her old name right now. And she needed to catch and Uber for the ride home and that's a lot safer as a guy than a trans woman. 

She will always have to be cautious. 

The whole transition process will take a few years. Her HRT is going well and her doctors are happy with her levels right now. I also understand that there is a lot of curiosity out there around the whole process and I will answer questions. Sometimes the answer might be "that's really none of your business" but I will answer. What I will answer and talk about freely is what it's like as a parent of someone who came out as an adult. That's my lane. 

Right now I am torn between how much easier it is being the parent of an adult going through this and how much better it would have been for Katie if we could have started this much earlier. 

There are challenges on both fronts. If we had known before she went through her first puberty we could have stopped that and she would have a much easier time now with her image and her identity matching. But that would have been almost 20 years ago and I am not sure if we would have known enough to be helpful instead of harmful. My ideal thought would be to know what I know now, to have access to the resources I could get now and do them then. So you know, realistic wishes.

We can only do what we can do, right? And what we can do is be here for her however she needs us to be. 

And for us, for right now, for today the best thing we can do is say, We see you. In all of your newness and shine. We see you. 

And we love you. 

Updates and Catchups!

Part 8
One Two Three Four Five Six Seven 

Also at the bottom of this piece will be a link to the next and last one in this series. 

February 2022

Updates and Catchups!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this space. Mainly because I started writing as a way to process everything. I thought it would take a lot of effort on my part to work through this transition space. Surprisingly and happily it really hasn’t. I was more worried about not being able to handle it than was warranted.

She is who she is. All that’s changed is she is feeling better about herself than she ever has. She has a language at her disposal now to explain why she felt the way she did growing up. It’s been really good for her. The pictures from Disneyland showed a much happier person than the pictures from Disney World did. Almost two years apart in time but worlds away in smile size.

She came home for Thanksgiving and for Christmas and we got to spend some time together. We misgendered her a few more times than we wish we had. Zero being the ideal number but our brains are used to using the other pronouns and name and when you get on autopilot it’s easy to slip up. But it’s not done out of malice, and it’s always corrected, and she says she understands so that’s good.

We also bought her a Christmas gift. As a family we’ve stopped exchanging presents but this year needed something to mark it. See all of the “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments we have, have the wrong name on them. So, we bought an ornament that is a snowflake made out of Katie written over and over again. Katie’s First Christmas. She got a little teary eyed, so it was a hit.

She was able to tell one of her close friends. Like I mentioned Covid has slowed her coming out process down significantly. She wants to tell people face to face if she can, but face to face has been difficult. But she was able to tell him. And that went well. She thought it would, but you never are positive until you do it.

She’s also started the process of coming out at work. She told one of her managers and as soon as their HR person comes back from maternity leave she will start that process in full. We are getting really close to her being all the way out.

I am sure at that point there will be more things to deal with. Helping where we can with the legalities that need handled. Telling our friends and extended family and dealing with the fallout from that. I am hopeful that the majority of people we know handle everything in stride. She’s happy. She’s who she is. That’s all that matters. But, realistically, we know that there is probably going to be fallout. We are prepared. Or at least we think we are.

But for now, things are progressing. Katie seems much happier. We are having a really hard time not correcting people when they use her former name, so the switch is happening in our heads as to how we think of her. I found some photo albums to put the pictures from the wall in. I’m not getting rid of anything. She doesn’t feel that we need to, but I also don’t want to have this big HEY THIS WAS YOU WHEN YOU WEREN’T HAPPY wall of photos up anymore. That’s the part I’m still reconciling in my head. That my memories of their childhood are mine. And it’s okay.

Oh gosh, speaking of using “their childhood” I picked that up from Amy Schneider the Super Champion on Jeopardy. I noticed when she talked about her mother and her childhood she used “they.” And it really resonated with me. Because I didn’t raise Katie as a girl. I just didn’t. I didn’t know I was supposed to. My memories are of my little boy, but my adult child is a woman so how do I reconcile these things? They. They works so beautifully. Having a trans woman on TV night after night really helped a lot of people see her, I mean really see her. And hearing her speak about her life helped me find a new way to speak about my daughter’s childhood so I will be grateful for her for a long time.

Which brings us to now. Mid-February. We are still in a holding pattern but about to really take off. I would guess within a month Katie will be fully out and public and we will be able to talk about our daughter and what she’s up to in the world. If not I will try to keep writing here so I don’t miss capturing this time in our lives where our daughter is becoming herself.

Next

Family Time!

 Part Seven
One Two Three Four Five Six

I know I said I wasn't going to edit these, and I'm not, I'm just adding a piece right here. First off, as you can see there was a large time jump. The shopping blog was in July and this is October.

But the main thing I wanted to point out is how many of you noticed a change in Katie around this trip but couldn't say what it was. Not because you knew and were keeping her confidence (though a few of you suspected and I'm grateful for you giving her space to come out on her own) but that you didn't know and just saw how much happier she looked in the pictures. When I posted them so many people commented on how much fun she looked like she was having, how happy she looked. And it's true. The difference between the Disney World photos and the Disneyland photos is striking. 

October 2021

Family Time!

I haven’t written in a while. There wasn’t much to talk about or to process so no need to write. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is moving along. A new name has been chosen. Some clothing style shifts have started. We talk on the phone weekly. But I try to make sure that I’m not just talking about transitioning. We’ve always talked on the phone weekly about what is happening in our lives, and there is more going on than just transition.

But what that has led to is feeling like nothing has really changed. Which for me it hasn’t. Not really. I had a child that I loved dearly and now I have a child that I love dearly. Their father and I have been working on a comfortable way to use pronouns and get used to a new name but without getting so comfortable with the new name and the pronouns that we out our child before they are ready.

Weird sort of limbo space.

Then came Disneyland. We had decided last year during the height of the pandemic that we would go to Disney as a family vacation once it was safe. That would be our Christmas and birthday presents. A fun family trip.  Once we were all vaccinated and it looked like Fall was going to be Covid contained, we booked. Delta variant made it a second consideration, but we went ahead with the trip figuring we were probably still pretty safe. Vaccinated and all.

Part of this whole process for us (Brent and I) has been trying to make sure we weren’t doing anything that would make this harder on our child. We need to be the safe space. The place they always know is home. Which means questions. Which can feel a little awkward, but only because they aren’t things we are used to asking. The round of questions for this trip included, “How do you feel about pictures?” “Are you comfortable sharing a room with us?” “What do you want us to call you?”

And that last one was a big one. Because this was going to be out in public. Everyone listening. For the first time. She said she had been thinking about it and wanted us to use feminine pronouns and call her Katie. So we did. Usually. Mostly. I mean, we slipped up and apologized each time we did. Because it’s hard. She’s been on HRT for four months basically and the changes are subtle at this point. Her hair is longer, her clothes are a little different than what she used to wear, but mostly just more colors. But she still looks pretty much the same. She still sounds the same. She still acts the same. Which makes sense. I mean she is still who she’s always been. Just starting to be more comfortable in her body and her feelings. So we screwed up sometimes.

But we really tried.

And as you’ve now noticed I’ve switched to using she and her in this writing. If she’s comfortable with us using them in public then we are progressing to using them full time. I’m still not sure when she will come out to everyone. The pandemic has slowed that process for sure. She wants to tell people face to face. Hard to do when you aren’t seeing people. So for now it’s still just us and an online community she has.

But she’s Katie. She’s Katie on our shared accounts. She’s Katie when we talk about her. She is she and her and our daughter. Except when we are talking to other people and then we are back to trying our hardest to not use pronouns at all. It’s temporary, eventually she will let us know that we are able to talk freely. But for now and while at Disney we really made the effort to transition name and pronouns.

I said earlier that the changes are really subtle. At one point Brent said he was going to have to stand next to her to really see but he was pretty sure she is taller than she used to be. I said I didn’t think she was any taller in actuality, but she’s standing up straighter. Her posture is reflecting that she feels better about herself. What more do you need as a parent than that?

We all say we want our children to be happy, but do you really understand what that might mean? She is happier now. And I hope that as she goes through all of the steps of transitioning and starts to interact with the world as a trans woman that that happiness holds. I hope that the feeling she has right now that she is on the right track, that she is finally feeling herself as whole, that she feels like a person, a whole person, I hope that holds. Because I just want my daughter to be happy. I want her to experience a full and joyful life.

And the fact that the first time her name and her pronouns were used in public was at the Happiest Place on Earth seems like a good omen for that.

At least it does to me.

Next

Time to Go Shopping...

Part 6 go back if you missed the others
One Two Three Four Five

 July 2021

Time to Go Shopping

I know I mentioned earlier how I felt badly for my child that they didn’t have a Gung Ho Girl! Mom to fall back on during their transition. But I realized that though I might not be the biggest fan of shopping and all of that at least I have experience with it, which is more than they have. So…we shopped.

While C was a teen they didn’t care at all about clothes. Now we know that a big part of that was the whole disassociation from their body. But it made shopping a challenge at times. There wasn’t much feedback. There wasn’t much help. Things needed to be soft and probably blue and other than that it was always kind of hit or miss on if something was liked at all.

So fast forward to now and clothes need to be bought. But we are looking at a challenging time for a while. They aren’t out yet so want to present as boy for the most part. But they also don’t want to be too strongly masculine either. I thought I knew the perfect solution and sent some outfit ideas along. Colorful bottom layers with patterned overshirts. Similar to a lot of what I wear, just swap the over shirt for a cardigan and you have a cornerstone of my wardrobe for years.

But everything was just too male for them. I was trying to find a balance that softened up a masculine edge without getting too feminine and also not trying to present as gay male. It was harder than I thought it would be. And also turned out to not be what they were looking for.

Back to the drawing board. They sent me some pictures of things they had already bought that they liked and felt comfortable wearing.

Women’s t-shirts fit the bill. Not super feminine, they are t-shirts after all, but still a woman’s cut. And soft. And in colors that are pretty without being frilly. Men’s jeans and shorts, the clothing is cut differently and right now men’s cuts are a space where they are going to find an easier time with sizes.

Which then led us to the other “ugh” conversation. They are heavy. And as a man there is judgement and grief attached to that. Everyone feels like they get to comment on heavy people’s bodies. Don’t, by the way, you don’t have the right and you shouldn’t. It’s rude. But people do. And where men get grief women get worse. And where women are judged and graded trans women are going to get it the worst. But the reality is the heavier they are the harder it’s going to be to find clothes that fit, clothes that look the way they want them to look and clothes that are an enhancement more than just coverings for the body.

For now, to start in finding clothes that fit, it’s going to be a blend of men’s and women’s clothing. I’m not sure if the hormone therapy will change the weight distribution a lot or if they are always going to be an apple shape. But women’s jeans expect you dip in further at the waist than they do right now. So it’s hard to find good fits.

Which is frustrating to me. I’m sure it’s worse for them, but for me it’s frustrating because I can’t find things that fit me due to my shape and now I can’t find things to fit my daughter because of theirs. We aren’t shaped the same and yet we are not able to just buy things and wear them without finagling and altering. And it’s frustrating because I don’t want to harp on their weight, their weight is just that, theirs, but I also want to be totally honest in the challenges coming their way.

Who knew shopping would come with so much baggage?

Okay, all of us who have ever shopped for a bathing suit under florescent lights.

But it does suck to have to introduce my daughter to the very personal part of it. They’ve watched me deal with it all their lives but from a distance so I’m not sure how much they’ve paid attention. And as it’s been my whole life, I have some brands I know will fit better than others. I have a style I’ve adapted (the don’t give a fuck style). I know what works for my body and what doesn’t. This is all going to be new for them. And it’s going to be changing. We don’t know where they will end up in a few years as far as shape goes. Basically, doing another round of puberty at almost 30. So, it’s all changing all the time.

The good news is that we found some things they liked. Some things that they feel fit well. Some things that they are comfortable wearing. I also found a couple of cute pieces of jewelry I sent along as well. A good necklace can really make you feel like everything is working.

I might not be the best shopper, but I’ve at least got the experience to help navigate with them as they figure all of this out. We’ll get there.

Next

A Rose by Any Other Name...

This is five:
One Two Three Four

June 2021

A Rose by Any Other Name

When C told us about their transition one of the questions I did ask was about their name. Had they given thought to it at all? And they had, they have one they think they will be using but they aren’t quite sure yet. For now, they will keep using their birth name. As they put it Chris isn’t a dead name just yet, it’s just been condemned.

Which is actually really hard for me.

And I get it. I do. This is their life. This is about what is best for them. This is their future. And I am here for them. And I will be supportive the whole way. But I also have my own feelings about it all. And this one, at least right now is hard.

If you don’t include my maiden name, just first middle and last my name and Brent’s name have the same number of letters. When we got our first pet I kept that numbering convention. I love a pattern. So during the pregnancy when we were looking at names I was trying really hard to keep that pattern. Each time I’d see a first name I liked I would try and match it up with a middle name that was the right length. We discovered pretty quickly that a lot of the names I was attracted to Brent did not care for. No Chase or Chance on his watch. We got down to Nicolas and Parker pretty quickly. And we were working with them a lot. Then one day Christopher just popped up. And it was like a gong sounded. Yes! This is right!

But the pattern was shot. Just Christopher on its own is as long as our first and middle names put together. So maybe just a first name no middle? But we didn’t like that flow. For a while it was Christopher Nicolas, but that didn’t seem right either. When we got the whole name to work together it was so good to us we actually called them Christopher Shaun for the first few months of their life. The whole thing! The number pattern was shot, but that C? That bridged the gap between B and D and made our little alphabet complete. I’ve called us my little alphabet family forever.  I love a pattern.

Their new name they are leaning toward does not start with C.

Well hell.

Then there is the wall of C.

C is an only child. Everything in their life was documented by photos. There are videos as well. We lived away from family and would make just random daily life videos to send back to the grandparents so they could watch C growing up.

What happens with the pictures?

And that’s where it gets really hard.

Not just the pictures but the whole past life parts.

Because while it was happening as far as I knew I was raising a little boy named Christopher. I can’t change that feeling. I can’t change those memories. And how do I talk about them or deal with them if my child needs me to put all of that away? And will they? I mean I don’t think C knows just yet how they will feel about old pictures and old names and old memories. Their transition is different from the “I’ve always felt like a girl trapped in a boy body” narrative we have all been told so often. So maybe they will never feel sad at old pictures. Or screw ups on name or gender identity from the past.

But those are the things that I think as a parent will be hard for me. And I know there are those who would say that it doesn’t matter what is hard for me because we are talking about C now. And I get that. And I agree. The most important thing is them and what they need. But…it’s still my life. It’s still a large part of my life. Being C’s mom has been the most important thing I’ve ever done. And all of that time, and all of those memories are of raising a boy. And I can’t change that. And I don’t want to change that.

Their gender is part of their identity. And it’s a part that never fit with them before. And they are getting a chance to change that. And I will be supportive and here for that whole journey. But I know it’s going to take some time for me to figure out how to blend the past with the present. To get used to a new name. A new presentation to the world.

I mentioned it to Brent and he said, “If they don’t like the old pictures, we’ll just take new.”

And that’s really it, isn’t it?

I’ll get used to a new name and might even find a new pattern that fits in my head with it.

I’ll take new pictures to fill the walls.

Like I said when I started this, we are all in transition right now. Some of it will be easier than other parts, but what matters is that we all move forward with kindness and understanding. Even for ourselves.

 
Next

Guilt...

Part Four 
Here are:

One

Two

Three

 June 2021

Guilt

I read a book this week titled Transgender 101. Yes, of course I did. Aside from writing to figure out my own head I read to put in more information so I can come to better conclusions. I am a researcher. If I need to understand something there will be 1001 Google searches and multiple books read. Which has been tricky as well. The whole being in the closet part of this transition process. I track my books on Goodreads. It’s a public list for anyone I’m friends with. And I have a few people who keep track of what I’m reading and use it as a recommendation list for themselves. So…adding a slew of books on transitioning and transgenderism is not exactly stealth.

I’ve hit on the plan to add a few to my current list and write a few down to add as read later. It’s not at all out of the norm for me to be reading books on trans lives, especially during Pride month and especially in the light of the anti-trans sentiment right now. So, a few books go on the list, but the ones with the titles like Parents of Adult Children who are Transitioning (or similar) go on the add it later list. I mean, I’d like to encourage as many people as possible to educate themselves about trans lives so if I can move that along without outing my child before they are ready, I’m down with that.

The book was decent, but really was 101. If you have no idea about gender or sexuality and the difference, it’s a good start. But if you already have a base education, it might not be enough. It also is already out of date in some areas. There have been changes in laws, changes in word choices, changes in the White House (thank goodness). But again, if you have no idea about any of it, it’s a decent little book. And it’s a quick read.

One part that stuck out for me though talked about parents and the guilt they feel. Guilt for a variety of reasons. Feeling like they did something wrong raising their child for them to be trans (nope, not me). Feeling like they are going to have to choose between religion and their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they are ashamed of their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they fucked up as a parent and didn’t notice their child was trans and could have used some help (nope…wait…well).

Yes. That’s where I am. I mentioned before that C talked about the feeling relating to when they got their glasses. That they had no idea that nobody else saw the world the way they did. That other people could see the mountain, just they couldn’t. And it’s so apropos a metaphor for how I feel. Because that still is one of those parenting things that I wonder how in the world I could have missed it. I mean, it’s not a little thing to not be able to see. I have a picture from their first trip to Disneyland where they are sitting on the train looking out at Disney pensively. Or I thought pensively…it’s actually that they are squinting because they can’t see anything! But I didn’t catch it until they were in fourth grade. Parenting fail.

Every time I see a little one in glasses I think, how did you catch that? How did you as a parent realize your child couldn’t see? Which really is translated to how did I not? How did I miss that? How could I have not noticed my child couldn’t see? Which is a big freaking deal!

So when I got to the section on parental guilt in the book, and the author talked about parents who felt badly because they never saw any signs, I felt it. Deeply. How could I have missed something so big? How could I have not noticed how unhappy they were? How disconnected they were?

And the truth is that I didn’t miss all of it. Not always. I just talked myself out of a lot of it. I mean, I never ever suspected that they were trans, not that sort of noticing. But their father and I have talked for years about how we were worried how singular they were. C is a loner. Has been a loner most of their life. They tend to have one or two friends at a time, and it takes awhile to make them. But Brent and I are also loners. We are introverts and socially just fine having limited contact with the outside world. So, I would tell myself that it was perfectly normal for C to be that way as well. Or even more so.

During the pandemic we worried more because at least Brent and I had contact with each other. C was living alone, working from home, no personal contact with anyone. And I worried that they were just too isolated. Then I would talk myself out of it, they have always been okay being on their own. Why was I worried? This is how they have always been.

Now I know that part of why this is how they have always been is because they’ve never felt super comfortable with themselves. And they thought everyone was like that. C has felt disconnected from their body, which lead to feeling disconnected with their life. Now that they have started to transition that is shifting. They are starting to see a different future. A path.

The fact that I didn’t realize they didn’t see one before? That’s hard.

So, I’m feeling a little guilty.

I’m trying to remind myself that they didn’t understand what they were feeling so there was no way I should have. But that doesn’t really feel true just yet.

All I can do is support my child now. Today. Tomorrow. I can’t go back and fix any errors in the past. I can’t go back in time and force myself to see what I missed. To get them glasses at 2 instead of 10. To encourage them to explore their feelings and see why they felt the way they did. I can’t do that. I can only be the best parent I can be for my adult child right now. And put the guilt aside.

Part of the family transition process, I think.

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