Guilt...

Part Four 
Here are:

One

Two

Three

 June 2021

Guilt

I read a book this week titled Transgender 101. Yes, of course I did. Aside from writing to figure out my own head I read to put in more information so I can come to better conclusions. I am a researcher. If I need to understand something there will be 1001 Google searches and multiple books read. Which has been tricky as well. The whole being in the closet part of this transition process. I track my books on Goodreads. It’s a public list for anyone I’m friends with. And I have a few people who keep track of what I’m reading and use it as a recommendation list for themselves. So…adding a slew of books on transitioning and transgenderism is not exactly stealth.

I’ve hit on the plan to add a few to my current list and write a few down to add as read later. It’s not at all out of the norm for me to be reading books on trans lives, especially during Pride month and especially in the light of the anti-trans sentiment right now. So, a few books go on the list, but the ones with the titles like Parents of Adult Children who are Transitioning (or similar) go on the add it later list. I mean, I’d like to encourage as many people as possible to educate themselves about trans lives so if I can move that along without outing my child before they are ready, I’m down with that.

The book was decent, but really was 101. If you have no idea about gender or sexuality and the difference, it’s a good start. But if you already have a base education, it might not be enough. It also is already out of date in some areas. There have been changes in laws, changes in word choices, changes in the White House (thank goodness). But again, if you have no idea about any of it, it’s a decent little book. And it’s a quick read.

One part that stuck out for me though talked about parents and the guilt they feel. Guilt for a variety of reasons. Feeling like they did something wrong raising their child for them to be trans (nope, not me). Feeling like they are going to have to choose between religion and their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they are ashamed of their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they fucked up as a parent and didn’t notice their child was trans and could have used some help (nope…wait…well).

Yes. That’s where I am. I mentioned before that C talked about the feeling relating to when they got their glasses. That they had no idea that nobody else saw the world the way they did. That other people could see the mountain, just they couldn’t. And it’s so apropos a metaphor for how I feel. Because that still is one of those parenting things that I wonder how in the world I could have missed it. I mean, it’s not a little thing to not be able to see. I have a picture from their first trip to Disneyland where they are sitting on the train looking out at Disney pensively. Or I thought pensively…it’s actually that they are squinting because they can’t see anything! But I didn’t catch it until they were in fourth grade. Parenting fail.

Every time I see a little one in glasses I think, how did you catch that? How did you as a parent realize your child couldn’t see? Which really is translated to how did I not? How did I miss that? How could I have not noticed my child couldn’t see? Which is a big freaking deal!

So when I got to the section on parental guilt in the book, and the author talked about parents who felt badly because they never saw any signs, I felt it. Deeply. How could I have missed something so big? How could I have not noticed how unhappy they were? How disconnected they were?

And the truth is that I didn’t miss all of it. Not always. I just talked myself out of a lot of it. I mean, I never ever suspected that they were trans, not that sort of noticing. But their father and I have talked for years about how we were worried how singular they were. C is a loner. Has been a loner most of their life. They tend to have one or two friends at a time, and it takes awhile to make them. But Brent and I are also loners. We are introverts and socially just fine having limited contact with the outside world. So, I would tell myself that it was perfectly normal for C to be that way as well. Or even more so.

During the pandemic we worried more because at least Brent and I had contact with each other. C was living alone, working from home, no personal contact with anyone. And I worried that they were just too isolated. Then I would talk myself out of it, they have always been okay being on their own. Why was I worried? This is how they have always been.

Now I know that part of why this is how they have always been is because they’ve never felt super comfortable with themselves. And they thought everyone was like that. C has felt disconnected from their body, which lead to feeling disconnected with their life. Now that they have started to transition that is shifting. They are starting to see a different future. A path.

The fact that I didn’t realize they didn’t see one before? That’s hard.

So, I’m feeling a little guilty.

I’m trying to remind myself that they didn’t understand what they were feeling so there was no way I should have. But that doesn’t really feel true just yet.

All I can do is support my child now. Today. Tomorrow. I can’t go back and fix any errors in the past. I can’t go back in time and force myself to see what I missed. To get them glasses at 2 instead of 10. To encourage them to explore their feelings and see why they felt the way they did. I can’t do that. I can only be the best parent I can be for my adult child right now. And put the guilt aside.

Part of the family transition process, I think.

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