New Kind of Pride...

 This is the third in the series if you've missed them here are links to:

One

Two

June, 2021

New Kind of Pride…

 

This is our first Pride month since our child came out as trans. But they aren’t fully out so we aren’t saying anything. Which is weird. When C told us we talked about telling other people. There was an article they had read that said basically everyone you tell before you are fully out you are just pulling into the closet with you. Which is so right. And please believe if my child needs me to stand in the closet with them that’s where I’ll be. But it is very much like having a big secret you can’t tell anyone. Not very much like, it is. It is having a secret you can’t tell anyone. Because the person who it really affects isn’t ready yet. And that’s the important piece.

Which leads us to our first Pride month with a trans child. And a secret. It’s odd.

Our first experience with Pride was accidentally running across the Pride Parade in Portland (gotta love an alliteration) when C was little. Like maybe 6 or 7, I think. My parents were up visiting, and we went to Saturday Market with them. We were walking from where we had parked to the car to the river front and turned a corner. Boom! Parade! Now it was 20 plus years ago, and Pride was a little less corporate sponsorship mass produced back then. What we saw was a float with a lot of men dancing. Most of them in at least some clothing, though what was covered and what was emphasized was eye catching for sure. Now even at the time I wasn’t worried about what C saw, I was worried about my parents. Though they did make great strides through their lives once Brian was out, they were still not exactly let me cheer you on at Pride people. I don’t think C would even remember it, but it was pretty funny at the time.

Before that I don’t think I was really aware of Pride parades more than I had heard the term Gay Pride Parade, maybe? Years later and a lot of history learned about Stonewall and the birth of the Pride Protests and it’s just part of life. And now that Pride has gone corporate it is everywhere. Every June 1, Rainbow Flags show up on more and more corporate logos. I don’t have a problem with it, though I know some allies and some LGBTQ+ people do. It’s Capitalism not Allyship. I mean if every company that sported a rainbow logo in June fought against the anti-trans bills sprouting up all over the country not a single one would pass. So, though I think the outward support is better than no support at all, I don’t think the actual support really goes all that deep. But still, and again, something is better than nothing.

Now Pride and being out is an interesting topic in our house. Has been since before C let us know. Because of me. Brent was the first one to basically say that he believed I was bisexual. Not in some sort of lascivious way like some guys are with their wives and girlfriends. Trying to get some buy in on a three way. He just said that he really believed if something happened to him my next relationship could very well be with a woman. And I do find women attractive in the same way that I find men. Though we disagree on what I would do if something happened to him. I fully believe I wouldn’t have another relationship. I’ve loved the one I have with him, obviously, but I do not feel like I would want to try another.

But aside from that I have never claimed the mantel of being bisexual because I’ve only ever had relationships with men. Maybe if Brent and I hadn’t married so young that would be different, but it isn’t. So, I feel like no struggle no mantle.  Ironically, or understandably, C has been the one to point out that often one of the hallmarks of bisexuality is not feeling gay enough to count. Like you feel that because you can pass and most people assume you are hetero you aren’t rainbow colored enough to march in the parade. It’s an interesting point.

I am pretty fluid in who I find attractive. Gender is far down the list of qualities that I consider if it ever even reaches that point. I tend to gravitate toward finding tall blonds attractive, but they could be Hemsworths or Therons or Caynes and it makes no difference to me which.  A sense of humor and kindness goes a lot further than what is between your legs. But a lot of that is because I’m not looking for a sexual relationship with anyone else than Brent. None of that matters when you are just talking about who you find attractive. But since I have not ever gone further than just saying “I find them attractive” I don’t really consider myself bisexual. Omni-attracted maybe fits more. No action, just appreciation.

All of that boils down to me saying we have always considered ourselves allies instead of part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. And allies since it was just PFLAG, then still allies when it was just LGB, still going strong when they added the T, and still here with the QIA or Q+ or however people want to identify the letters. We are here. We will always be here. Allies. Now we just have one more reason why we need to stand strong. Even if they aren’t ready to come fully out to everyone else just yet.

So, as you might have noticed I switched pronouns. When Brent and I talk about our child now we have been avoiding pronouns all together and even their name. It’s not something we discussed with each other, it’s just something we both started doing on our own. Because we know and knowing makes it feel really disrespectful to misgender them. Now because they aren’t ready yet for us to share the news we have been super careful. And I was trying to use he/him and Christopher in this writing because that way I wouldn’t slip up somewhere else. But it just feels badly for me to do it. Like I’m causing pain where there doesn’t need to be. Which is slightly ridiculous because nobody is even reading this right now.

But that’s the way it feels.

So, I’ve decided that from here on out I’m using they/them, my child or C. That way if I screw up it’s not as noticeable. A lot of people are using they/them more and more now. Even when referring to people they know. It’s nonbinary. It doesn’t stick out. But it’s also not as icky feeling as still using he/him when you’ve been told “I’m a trans woman.” And child replaces boy in our conversations. Yes, we still called our adult child the boy. It was just another name. But child works. And C works on that level because now it just stands for Child instead of Christopher. Until they are ready to fully come out, I will stand in the closet with them but hopefully in a kind space.

And really that’s what Pride has always been about for allies. We stand with the LGBTQ+ community wherever you need us to stand. It’s just even more personal to us now.

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