This is the second piece in the series, if you are just starting here I suggest you go back and read:
June 2021
Really? Wow…
There is a common belief that a staunch Conservative does
not change their thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community until they discover that
community is part of their family. It’s even part of my own story of leaving
the church. When I realized my nephew was gay (or would mostly likely be gay,
as he was only a toddler at the time) I could not reconcile the church’s
teachings that it was a choice to be gay with this little child. He was not
making a choice. He was who he was. Once that piece fell the rest of the house of
cards fell apart and I left.
It doesn’t always happen though. Sometimes the choice is
made to stay with the conservative belief set and reject the family member.
Which is heartbreaking. I’ve never understood it. How do you do that? And I’ve
had people in the church tell me that it was because my faith wasn’t strong
enough. I disagree, I think my faith was stronger. We just had faith in
different things.
So, what happens when it’s flipped? When all of your
liberal, accepting beliefs towards the outside world come closer? When it’s not
a friend, or the child of friend but it’s your own child? What happens then? Do
you practice what you preach, so to speak, or do you have a different reaction
that is antithetical to your professed beliefs?
I told you earlier that my first words were Really? Wow. Because
it did seem to come out of the blue. He wasn’t a feminine little boy. He isn’t
a feminine man. I was completely unaware that this was something he was
feeling. That he was in the wrong body. That he didn’t feel “right.”
Now, I mentioned my nephew before. He has always been really
feminine. Still is. Paints his nails, does makeup, wears big flashy jewelry. He
and his friends use she/her pronouns half the time. Which is common among some
gay men. They call each other sis and say she. It’s been like this for so long
that when he sent me a message that he wanted to talk to me about a big change
coming in his life I actually assumed he was going to transition. That wasn’t
it, it was his weight loss surgery, but I would not have been shocked by the
other at all. But that was Brian. Christopher has never really said or done
anything that made me think he would be the one to transition.
We talked about how he came to this realization. Briefly. Like
I mentioned, he waited until the end of his visit to say anything. He wanted to
tell us in person. Wanted to tell us both at the same time. But didn’t want to
lay it on us right before we left for New Mexico and leave us to deal with this
new information while dealing with the last of his grandmother’s estate. Basically,
he wanted to let us know, then give us some time and space to process it all. But
we did talk a little bit about it. How he came to understand that this is who
he is.
It’s been a multiyear process. It’s not something he just
woke up one day and realized OH! This is it! He likened it to when he first got
his glasses. We lived in Colorado at the time, near Pike’s Peak. A GIANT
mountain. That he’d never seen in any sort of detail. It had just been a blurry
shape on the edge of his awareness. But because that had always been the way he
saw the world he thought that was the way everyone saw the world. It wasn’t
until he got his glasses that he realized it wasn’t like that for everyone
else. He has never been comfortable in his body. He’s always felt a kind of
emptiness or detachment. But he didn’t realize that it wasn’t the way everyone
else felt.
It’s been a process for him to realize why. It wasn’t until
he read some things written by other trans individuals describing the same
feelings, and the change that happened after they started to transition that he
realized there could be something different for him. As he explained I still
kept circling back in my head to “but you’ve never been really feminine” and
this is insane because I’m not overly feminine. I mean, I’m built like a
cartoon version of woman, that’s just genetics, but my main wardrobe is
t-shirts, hoodies and jeans. I do have a few girly things, but it’s not my
staple. I’ve always felt more comfortable around men or non-traditional women.
His mirror on the feminine world has been me. Who rails against gender norms
and stereotypes all of the time. Who honestly believes that we are all on a
spectrum of gender presentations and it’s just society that tries to box us
into one or the other and still…I was sitting there trying to identify feminine
traits in my transgender child.
Those gender norms are pervasive, people. They are there in
your head even when you don’t think they are, or when you have been trying for
years to get people to see they aren’t needed.
I apologized to him for not being a good resource on “girl”
while he goes through this. I will not be the “Oh yay! We can go shopping
together!” mom. I’m a little too butch for all of that. I told him caftans and muumuus
are wonderful and comfortable as far as dresses go. We did talk about the
pressure for women and clothing is different. Even when I’m in jeans and a
t-shirt I am expected to look a certain way. Men get a lot more freedom in the
schlub department. But honestly, as he feels more comfortable in his own body.
As he embraces the she that she wants to be that “clothing is a thing I have to
do I have no cares about it” could very well fade. We might end up with a
fashionista on our hands. It’s all new and unknown at this point.
So, I know I’ve talked mostly about me here and there are two parents in this
house so I’m going to give you a bit of Brent’s perspective here. I can’t give
you all of it because I’m not him, but I don’t want you to think he moved away
or something.
Oddly enough a few weeks ago we were talking about trans
issues and there was a story that had been out about how many people in the US
knew a trans person. It’s higher now than it has been, but it’s still a fairly
low percentage. Brent said he didn’t think he personally knew anyone. He knew
of some people, he knew people who knew people, but the only person he knew
that was trans is one of the rare people who transitioned back. His basic take
on it all though was that it was none of his business. People could do what
they wanted to do, just let him know how they want to be referred to, so he
didn’t inadvertently insult them and that was all he needed to know.
I asked Brent on the way home from the airport how he was
doing. He’s a silent person most of the time. It’s hard to gauge sometimes how
he is doing, even for me. While we were talking to C about the future we talked
about work and when he comes out there. He isn’t sure how it’s going to go.
Gaming isn’t exactly a safe space for women, and as we talked about any place
that isn’t safe for cis women is exponentially more dangerous for trans women.
Brent told him to make sure he had a plan in place before he approached them. That
was about all he said. Now, granted, I talked a LOT. I had a lot of questions. There
was a lot of information I wanted to get before the plane left. It was our usual dynamic; Brent is silent
because he’s a fairly silent person but also because I don’t leave him a lot of
space to fill.
Which lead to the question on the way home from the airport.
How are you doing with all of this? He said that he was fine. That there was a
lot there to take in but basically, it’s still none of his business. If this is
what makes his child feel better, if this is what they need to be their most
authentic self then that’s fine. He also said that it made a few things from
C’s childhood make more sense. Which once he said that I started to revisit the
way I viewed his childhood. And though I kept saying that there were no signs,
I have to adjust that to say there were no overt signs. There were little
things here and there that now make total sense but weren’t enough for me to
recognize at the time. I wish we had. But then again, I have no idea how we
would have dealt with all of this twenty years ago. It could have been more
damaging than helpful.
I have a lot to learn. We have a lot to learn. It’s going to
be a process, but I am glad to report that it didn’t change either one of our
belief systems. Brent is still firmly in the this is none of my business camp.
I am still in the you do what makes you feel right and comfortable in your own
body camp. We are both still firmly in the I love my child no matter what camp.
I think that’s the part that matters most and will help us all along this new
journey the most.
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