A Rose by Any Other Name...

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June 2021

A Rose by Any Other Name

When C told us about their transition one of the questions I did ask was about their name. Had they given thought to it at all? And they had, they have one they think they will be using but they aren’t quite sure yet. For now, they will keep using their birth name. As they put it Chris isn’t a dead name just yet, it’s just been condemned.

Which is actually really hard for me.

And I get it. I do. This is their life. This is about what is best for them. This is their future. And I am here for them. And I will be supportive the whole way. But I also have my own feelings about it all. And this one, at least right now is hard.

If you don’t include my maiden name, just first middle and last my name and Brent’s name have the same number of letters. When we got our first pet I kept that numbering convention. I love a pattern. So during the pregnancy when we were looking at names I was trying really hard to keep that pattern. Each time I’d see a first name I liked I would try and match it up with a middle name that was the right length. We discovered pretty quickly that a lot of the names I was attracted to Brent did not care for. No Chase or Chance on his watch. We got down to Nicolas and Parker pretty quickly. And we were working with them a lot. Then one day Christopher just popped up. And it was like a gong sounded. Yes! This is right!

But the pattern was shot. Just Christopher on its own is as long as our first and middle names put together. So maybe just a first name no middle? But we didn’t like that flow. For a while it was Christopher Nicolas, but that didn’t seem right either. When we got the whole name to work together it was so good to us we actually called them Christopher Shaun for the first few months of their life. The whole thing! The number pattern was shot, but that C? That bridged the gap between B and D and made our little alphabet complete. I’ve called us my little alphabet family forever.  I love a pattern.

Their new name they are leaning toward does not start with C.

Well hell.

Then there is the wall of C.

C is an only child. Everything in their life was documented by photos. There are videos as well. We lived away from family and would make just random daily life videos to send back to the grandparents so they could watch C growing up.

What happens with the pictures?

And that’s where it gets really hard.

Not just the pictures but the whole past life parts.

Because while it was happening as far as I knew I was raising a little boy named Christopher. I can’t change that feeling. I can’t change those memories. And how do I talk about them or deal with them if my child needs me to put all of that away? And will they? I mean I don’t think C knows just yet how they will feel about old pictures and old names and old memories. Their transition is different from the “I’ve always felt like a girl trapped in a boy body” narrative we have all been told so often. So maybe they will never feel sad at old pictures. Or screw ups on name or gender identity from the past.

But those are the things that I think as a parent will be hard for me. And I know there are those who would say that it doesn’t matter what is hard for me because we are talking about C now. And I get that. And I agree. The most important thing is them and what they need. But…it’s still my life. It’s still a large part of my life. Being C’s mom has been the most important thing I’ve ever done. And all of that time, and all of those memories are of raising a boy. And I can’t change that. And I don’t want to change that.

Their gender is part of their identity. And it’s a part that never fit with them before. And they are getting a chance to change that. And I will be supportive and here for that whole journey. But I know it’s going to take some time for me to figure out how to blend the past with the present. To get used to a new name. A new presentation to the world.

I mentioned it to Brent and he said, “If they don’t like the old pictures, we’ll just take new.”

And that’s really it, isn’t it?

I’ll get used to a new name and might even find a new pattern that fits in my head with it.

I’ll take new pictures to fill the walls.

Like I said when I started this, we are all in transition right now. Some of it will be easier than other parts, but what matters is that we all move forward with kindness and understanding. Even for ourselves.

 
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