Today I published the last blog from what I wrote while Katie wasn't out yet and I was processing the new information that I have a daughter. Today is International Transgender Day of Visibility.
How fucking cool is THAT timing?
(For anyone who hasn't read the other 8 pieces start here)
Katie let us know when she was ready to come out at work. That was the piece we were waiting on for her to fully come out everywhere else. We wanted to tell family first before there was a change on Facebook to Katie's name and status and we were worried about how it was going to go.
Or not exactly worried, but not at all sure it was going to go well. I knew my brother's kids would be perfectly fine and my brother most likely would not be. My sisters were wild cards on how they would react. Brent's family is also very religious and conservative and we weren't sure. Though his cousin had posted something a month or so ago that made us both think....hmmm....maybe this is going to go well. And it did. Family was all on board with expressing nothing but love for Katie.
Or not exactly worried, but not at all sure it was going to go well. I knew my brother's kids would be perfectly fine and my brother most likely would not be. My sisters were wild cards on how they would react. Brent's family is also very religious and conservative and we weren't sure. Though his cousin had posted something a month or so ago that made us both think....hmmm....maybe this is going to go well. And it did. Family was all on board with expressing nothing but love for Katie.
She came out at work and we got rolling. She changed her name and posted a "Hey! Great news!" status and I followed suit.
And the reaction has been...
Well great actually.
Mostly, like 98%, positive. A few responses that were clearly written to be neutral. Which I will take over negative for sure. And one hiccup. And even that hiccup was met with a long discussion about why what was posted was not okay and how to be better followed by a sincere apology and moving forward with more understanding. So I mean, that's outstanding right?
And the reaction has been...
Well great actually.
Mostly, like 98%, positive. A few responses that were clearly written to be neutral. Which I will take over negative for sure. And one hiccup. And even that hiccup was met with a long discussion about why what was posted was not okay and how to be better followed by a sincere apology and moving forward with more understanding. So I mean, that's outstanding right?
So here we are. Now we don't have to do the "which pronouns are you privy to" tango. We can freely use daughter, she, and Katie. Which I have to say feels so great. Just such a relief to not have to self censor when talking about my child and how great she is. Because I do spend a lot of time talking about her. I always have, that has not changed.
What I hope this series did was give you just a little insight in how we processed finding out that our child is trans. I hope it gave you a little information on how families can adjust. And you know that when you've heard one story about transition you've heard, well, one story about transition. There is no standard transition story any more than there is one standard story for anyone's life. Everyone is unique. Everyone has their own challenges and their own blessings.
For Katie we all really understand and appreciate that support from her parents was never going to be a challenge. She knew she could tell us and not worry about being rejected. But the world isn't just us. She also knows that there are going to be real challenges out there.
For instance, because of where she was born unless the Federal government steps in with rule changes she is never going to be able to change her birth certificate. If she had been born where she was conceived or where she was raised that would be different. But Idaho is not California or Oregon so she will always have to have a paper trail of documents showing her old name to her real name.
For Katie we all really understand and appreciate that support from her parents was never going to be a challenge. She knew she could tell us and not worry about being rejected. But the world isn't just us. She also knows that there are going to be real challenges out there.
For instance, because of where she was born unless the Federal government steps in with rule changes she is never going to be able to change her birth certificate. If she had been born where she was conceived or where she was raised that would be different. But Idaho is not California or Oregon so she will always have to have a paper trail of documents showing her old name to her real name.
She will always have to be cautious in ways she wasn't before. When she was here cat sitting for us while we were on vacation we watched some Michigan basketball the day before she left. Her father and I were both in our Michigan shirts and I said something to Katie about not wearing hers. She said, "I'm saving it for tomorrow." I said, "Well aren't you optimistic!" thinking to myself that she was sure we'd win and she'd want to wear the one Michigan thing she brought the next day. Her response was, "Sure, let's go with that." It wasn't until the next day that I tripped to why she had saved it. She was flying back home that day and by wearing her Michigan shirt she presented a little more masculine. And all of her ID is in her old name right now. And she needed to catch and Uber for the ride home and that's a lot safer as a guy than a trans woman.
She will always have to be cautious.
The whole transition process will take a few years. Her HRT is going well and her doctors are happy with her levels right now. I also understand that there is a lot of curiosity out there around the whole process and I will answer questions. Sometimes the answer might be "that's really none of your business" but I will answer. What I will answer and talk about freely is what it's like as a parent of someone who came out as an adult. That's my lane.
Right now I am torn between how much easier it is being the parent of an adult going through this and how much better it would have been for Katie if we could have started this much earlier.
There are challenges on both fronts. If we had known before she went through her first puberty we could have stopped that and she would have a much easier time now with her image and her identity matching. But that would have been almost 20 years ago and I am not sure if we would have known enough to be helpful instead of harmful. My ideal thought would be to know what I know now, to have access to the resources I could get now and do them then. So you know, realistic wishes.
We can only do what we can do, right? And what we can do is be here for her however she needs us to be.
And for us, for right now, for today the best thing we can do is say, We see you. In all of your newness and shine. We see you.
And we love you.
And we love you.
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