Family Time!

 Part Seven
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I know I said I wasn't going to edit these, and I'm not, I'm just adding a piece right here. First off, as you can see there was a large time jump. The shopping blog was in July and this is October.

But the main thing I wanted to point out is how many of you noticed a change in Katie around this trip but couldn't say what it was. Not because you knew and were keeping her confidence (though a few of you suspected and I'm grateful for you giving her space to come out on her own) but that you didn't know and just saw how much happier she looked in the pictures. When I posted them so many people commented on how much fun she looked like she was having, how happy she looked. And it's true. The difference between the Disney World photos and the Disneyland photos is striking. 

October 2021

Family Time!

I haven’t written in a while. There wasn’t much to talk about or to process so no need to write. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is moving along. A new name has been chosen. Some clothing style shifts have started. We talk on the phone weekly. But I try to make sure that I’m not just talking about transitioning. We’ve always talked on the phone weekly about what is happening in our lives, and there is more going on than just transition.

But what that has led to is feeling like nothing has really changed. Which for me it hasn’t. Not really. I had a child that I loved dearly and now I have a child that I love dearly. Their father and I have been working on a comfortable way to use pronouns and get used to a new name but without getting so comfortable with the new name and the pronouns that we out our child before they are ready.

Weird sort of limbo space.

Then came Disneyland. We had decided last year during the height of the pandemic that we would go to Disney as a family vacation once it was safe. That would be our Christmas and birthday presents. A fun family trip.  Once we were all vaccinated and it looked like Fall was going to be Covid contained, we booked. Delta variant made it a second consideration, but we went ahead with the trip figuring we were probably still pretty safe. Vaccinated and all.

Part of this whole process for us (Brent and I) has been trying to make sure we weren’t doing anything that would make this harder on our child. We need to be the safe space. The place they always know is home. Which means questions. Which can feel a little awkward, but only because they aren’t things we are used to asking. The round of questions for this trip included, “How do you feel about pictures?” “Are you comfortable sharing a room with us?” “What do you want us to call you?”

And that last one was a big one. Because this was going to be out in public. Everyone listening. For the first time. She said she had been thinking about it and wanted us to use feminine pronouns and call her Katie. So we did. Usually. Mostly. I mean, we slipped up and apologized each time we did. Because it’s hard. She’s been on HRT for four months basically and the changes are subtle at this point. Her hair is longer, her clothes are a little different than what she used to wear, but mostly just more colors. But she still looks pretty much the same. She still sounds the same. She still acts the same. Which makes sense. I mean she is still who she’s always been. Just starting to be more comfortable in her body and her feelings. So we screwed up sometimes.

But we really tried.

And as you’ve now noticed I’ve switched to using she and her in this writing. If she’s comfortable with us using them in public then we are progressing to using them full time. I’m still not sure when she will come out to everyone. The pandemic has slowed that process for sure. She wants to tell people face to face. Hard to do when you aren’t seeing people. So for now it’s still just us and an online community she has.

But she’s Katie. She’s Katie on our shared accounts. She’s Katie when we talk about her. She is she and her and our daughter. Except when we are talking to other people and then we are back to trying our hardest to not use pronouns at all. It’s temporary, eventually she will let us know that we are able to talk freely. But for now and while at Disney we really made the effort to transition name and pronouns.

I said earlier that the changes are really subtle. At one point Brent said he was going to have to stand next to her to really see but he was pretty sure she is taller than she used to be. I said I didn’t think she was any taller in actuality, but she’s standing up straighter. Her posture is reflecting that she feels better about herself. What more do you need as a parent than that?

We all say we want our children to be happy, but do you really understand what that might mean? She is happier now. And I hope that as she goes through all of the steps of transitioning and starts to interact with the world as a trans woman that that happiness holds. I hope that the feeling she has right now that she is on the right track, that she is finally feeling herself as whole, that she feels like a person, a whole person, I hope that holds. Because I just want my daughter to be happy. I want her to experience a full and joyful life.

And the fact that the first time her name and her pronouns were used in public was at the Happiest Place on Earth seems like a good omen for that.

At least it does to me.

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