Well That's Embarrassing...

Or I mean it would have been if I were wired that way.

I just went out to run a couple of errands. When I got home and was pulling into the garage the door seemed to be going up a little slowly. Tap the brakes to make sure I don't hit the door...except my foot was on the gas so I gave the gas a tap instead of the brakes. Whoops! Now for sure I'm going too fast and the door is going too slow! Slam on the brakes to make sure I don't hit it and...look over and see Brent on the treadmill watching the whole thing. 

Of course.

I mean why even look like I can't drive anymore and need my keys taken away from me if nobody is watching? 

When he's done working out I will have to explain "what the hell was that?" and that's where most people would get embarrassed. And I guess I kind of am, just in that I would rather he hadn't seen it so I didn't have to talk about it with him at all way. Because, clearly, I know how to drive and that was just a blip of thing that happens to people. And thank goodness it wasn't me crashing through the wall of a restaurant or anything like that. I mean, that might have been embarrassing. Except, you know, I'm not really wired like that. 

I just don't embarrass easily. I have moments where I think, well that sucks, or I wish that hadn't happened. But I can only remember a small handful of times in my adult life where I've been truly embarrassed. I just don't do it. It's packed away with guilt for me. 

I don't feel guilty about things for any length of time because guilt is an action emotion. If I'm feeling guilty it means I need to change something. If there is nothing I can change, then there is no reason for guilt. Embarrassament sort of falls into that the same way for me. 

Why do you get embarrassed? Because you feel like you did something foolish, or silly, or stupid in someone else's eyes. Well, I can't control what you think is foolish, or silly, or stupid, so why should I be embarrassed over your emotions? It just doesn't work for me. Embarrassment is a way of throwing shame onto others and making it their fault for how you feel. Or you doing it to yourself. Feeling shame about something that you think other people feel. 

When I was younger I was extremely embarrassed about being poor. I had real shame around it. Now, that's the American way, so I came about it naturally. We shame the poor all the time. We act like being poor is a crime, or at least a reflection of bad character. And I knew that my parents worked really hard. That everyone in my family actually worked really hard. As soon as you could legally get a job, you had a job. At least one. But the working poor is a thing in America. Multiple jobs, still not getting anywhere. Repo man in the kitchen. 

I was embarrassed. I was ashamed to bring most people to my house. We lived in a trailer, not a "real" house. I bought my clothes at the DAV. Super rare to get something new. Everything was old, worn, we reduced and reused long before it was trendy. And it made me feel like I was less than my friends who had more. 

Which is insane. The people who should be embarrassed are the ones hoarding more and more money while people in the world are starving or freezing or lacking health care. That's something to feel shame about. Not working hard and still not making ends meet. That's a flaw in our system, not in you.

But anyway...once I realized that feeling ashamed of the fact that I grew up poor was silly I stopped. And then I thought about being embarrassed in general. 

Like often people will tell you that you should be embarrassed for...Fill in whatever they think you should be embarrassed about. And often people will tell you things like Oh I would be so embarrassed if I were you! about, again, fill in whatever behavior they'd like you to change. I'm not embarrassed and you aren't me so no worries. 

We use embarrassing people to try to shame them into behaving in a different way. A way we are more comfortable with. 

I'm not about that. 

I sing in public. I dance in my car. I make mistakes. I fall down sometimes because I'm not super graceful. I say things that pop into my head without always thinking them through. And I'm rarely, if ever, embarrassed by any of it. 

Even when Brent sees me almost crash through the garage door. 

In fact, I'm sort of impressed how quickly I realized my foot was on the wrong pedal and I got woahed up instead of crashing into the door. Even if it was a problem of my own creation I got out of it pretty quickly. 

Nothing to be embarrassed about at all.