So Attached!

At lunch earlier this week I was talking with my friend about attachment styles. She asked if I knew mine, and I don't. It reminded me of when one of those quizzes was going around to find your attachment style and Brent said he didn't want me to take it because it would just come back as Not. 

Which is hilarious. And also a little true. I'm fine on my own. I love him, he's also my best friend, if something were to happen to him I would devastated. But then I'd be fine. I'm wired like that. 

Or that's what we say. But I haven't always been like that. 

When we first got together my style would be (and I don't know the actual styles so I'm using my own terms here) insecure. Same reason why it's in the "not" category now too, which is interesting. I learned very early on that the people that are supposed to take care of you and protect you sometimes don't. And because of that I didn't let myself really get attached to anyone, and a big part of that was because I didn't feel like I was worth getting attached to myself. Like as soon as someone got to know me, the real me, they would bail so better to not get too attached. 

So when Brent and I were first dating and then when we got married I was always worried that THIS would be the day he would realize what a terrible mistake he had made and how I was actually not loveable at all and he would leave. If he was out with friends I was sure he was going to find someone else and leave me. It was a constant drumbeat. I am not worthy of actual love. 

I've talked about the anger I had when I was younger and how Brent was a saint for sticking by me those first few years of marriage as I figured it all out and worked through it. But this was probably the part that was hardest for him. The part of me that was jealous of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING all the time. Because I was sure he was always on the verge of realizing how awful I was. Because when you are abused as a child part of you grows up thinking you must have deserved it. Which is, of course, not at all true. But until you work through that you have a mess on your hands. 

One of the biggest breakthroughs I had was his first cruise. Six months out to sea. Pulling in to ports where there was a LOT of prostitution in the areas they went drinking. I mean, hunt where there's bears to be hunt, right? So this should have just pushed me right over the crazy edge, but it didn't. Talking to a friend about it, her husband was on the same ship, and she was really spun up about it. Worried that he would stray. And I just wasn't. She asked why and I said, "One, I don't think he will. He said he wouldn't and he's never lied to me before. And two if he does there is nothing I can do to stop it. So why sit here and worry about it?"

And as the words were coming out of my mouth it was like...oh. He said he won't, so he won't. And if he does then he does. Neither of those outcomes actually has anything to do with me. That's all him. His choices. Not me or mine. And if he does and I never find out then does it matter? If a sailor is unfaithful in the woods does it make a sound? Or something like that. But it did get me thinking about it. And a few years later I revised my if you ever cheat I will make your life a hell like you have never known to if you ever cheat please don't do it in such a way as I find out. I don't want to know. I don't want to change the way I feel about you and us. 

His response was, how about I just don't? Which is also good.

But now years and years after that I have to admit my attachment style went from really insecure to really healthy. I love him. I love spending time with him. He's my best friend. I trust him as much as I have ever trusted anyone (also an abused kid thing, we don't really trust anyone, I trust him and I trust Katie the most of anyone ever and that's about it). But if he were to leave me I would pack up those emotions in a box and put them away and move on with my life. I mean I'd be sad, and probably a little angry for awhile, because I would be so shocked, but he's not me. I'm not him. We are seperate. 

And we choose to be together. 

He's my best friend. If I have the choice of doing something with anyone I am always going to choose him. He's the same way. When we first got tickets for the Timbers games I told him and told him that he could just get one and go with Joe; he had gone to a few games with just Joe in the past and had fun. I told him that I was fine watching from my toasty warm and dry couch and he could go have fun at the games. He finally said that he has a better time if I'm there. Aww...so we got two tickets (which we've now given up, another blog for another day). 

If we are doing something WE are doing something. People give us a hard time all the time about it. But it works for us. It's the choice we make. Because it's what we prefer. 

So extremely attached. Maybe that's our style? 

I still don't know what the actual styles are, but I do know that mine has shifted. And I'm super thankful for that. Because I wouldn't have wanted to live with that level of constant fear for the past 35 years or so. 

Yeah, we are heading toward our 37th anniversary in a few weeks. How crazy is that?

Oh there you go...that's my attachment style...Long term.