Is That Healthy?

A friend of mine just posted that she has lost 60 pounds since last year. Most of it since this past June. A few years ago she actually lost 100 pounds. Then life happened and she gained most of it back. Now she's on her way down the scale again. 

She posted that she's finally found a healthy relationship with food. 

I didn't pry and ask just how she managed this miracle but I was tempted. 

I don't know that my relationship with food has ever been healthy.

I'm not even sure I know what that means.

I know I thought I had done it a few times. When I did Weight Watchers, for instance. I was so convinced I'd figured out some sort of magic secret on how to eat, but not too much. But what I'd really figured out is that I could get gold stars for losing weight. And my desire for those stars was greater than my hunger for food. Which became an issue.

I've thought I had it figured out when I started to unpair health from weight. And that worked really well until my thyroid issues and my weight started to skyrocket and suddenly I didn't feel fit and healthy anymore. The weight is tied to my self esteem. So maybe I did unpair it from physical health, but not mental health? Though to be fair to my crazy mind, having my thyroid kick off is health related. And the weight gain is a sign of that. So the weight and health are tied in this case.

Which doesn't help me try to untie those two ideas in my head. 

I've been telling myself over and over that I have to wait and see how the medication works. I don't even have my repeat blood test to see if my levels are back to normal until mid October. I might not even be there yet so it does me no good to get too worked up about it. 

And let's face it, it's almost October. Brent is going on Sabbatical (maybe) in less than a month. And even if he doesn't go on Sabbatical we are still going to take the trips we had planned. And I'm not going to diet on vacation. I have. I mean I've been super strict when travelling before but I just don't want to. I want to not worry about the hassle of all of my normal food issues and also try and figure out what I could eat that will be exactly the right calorie and macro distribution. I'm not even planning on being strict about my normal dietary stuff. Packing my allergy meds and my digestive aids and calling it good enough. I want to eat the Christmas treats in Disney and the sweet bread (not sweetbreads, ick) in Hawaii. And I'm getting donuts at Dimo's in Michigan. 

I don't have a healthy relationship with food.

If healthy means I just view it as fuel and nutrients. 

I have a healthy relationship with food if it means that food makes me happy and I love my treats and they make me smile and I'm willing to put up with some bullshit for that joy. 

Maybe it's complicated? 

That's it. 

If marking the box for my relationship to food I'd mark It's Complicated.

And at 56 years old I think that's the best I'm going to manage. 

Though the barrage of weight loss tools, doctors, books and pills that Insta has been pushing at me says it's a little more than a little complicated...especially since I've researched a few of them to see if they are legit even though I already know they are not legit. 

I just want to be 20 pounds thinner than I am, and be able to eat everything I want, including nightshades and gluten (I don't miss chicken as much but hell let's add that back as well). I want to be able to eat cake and cookies without having to balance a whole day of eating around it and still be able to fit into my clothes. And while I'm at it, I'd like to reach some sort of lifetime limit of workouts. Like I've done it faithfully for years so maybe I should be at the point where I maintain all of the benefits but don't have to actually do it anymore. 

Is all of that too much to ask?

So I guess yeah, maybe I should ask my friend how she achieved this mythical healthy relationship with food...