When I wrote earlier this week about the habituation book I've been reading and how it reminded me of the meditation technique to make yourself grateful for what you have by pretending you no longer have it my friend Skippy commented about how that's a terrible idea because your brain doesn't know the difference between real loss and pretend loss.
Which made me think about guilt and regret and self punishment.
I think it was in The Four Agreements where I first read the basic truth that humans are the only species that punishes themselves for real or even perceived misdeeds. And does it over and over. Like it's not a one off, oh that was terrible shame on you, we tend to relive it over and over and over again.
You know the feeling. Lying in bed not able to sleep and your brain says, "Hey! Do you remember that time in 3rd grade where you told Stacy she was fat? I bet you did life long damage to her psyche. You're pretty awful."
Shame. Guilt. We bring it to ourselves and we relive those moments over and over. Just constant guilt.
I've written before that I don't do guilt like that. Or at least I try to make sure I don't.
Guilt is an actionable emotion. If I'm feeling guilty about something that means I need to change what I'm doing. I'm doing something that doesn't align with my sense of self.
But what that also means is that I don't feel guilt about past actions.
Not that I've not done some terrible 3 AM thoughts things in the past, but I know I cannot change them so guilt is a wasted emotion.
I have regret over some choices. I have some things that I wish I could go back and change. That on my list of "things I would do over" are always at the top and never shared with others.
But I can't go back. There are no do overs. So there is no reason to beat myself up over those choices. I made them, I live with the consequences of them, if there are things I can do to make up a little bit for bad decisions I have done those things. But I can't change what happened. And reliving it over and over doesn't do any good.
So I don't do guilt.
Guilt and regret have different holding areas in my head. Regret is acknowledgement that that was not my finest moment. Guilt is you are currently doing something you need to stop, or not doing something that you need to start. Regret is for the past. Guilt is for the present so I have fewer things to regret in the future. Regret is for when the guilt didn't guide me out of a situation. Or when I didn't feel guilty at the time for whatever reason, but looking back I can see that it wasn't a good choice.
We, the collective we, need to make sure we are treating ourselves kindly. We need to make sure we are holding ourselves accountable as well. So use guilt as a moment to reflect. What are you feeling guilty about? Is it something that you can change? If so, change it. If not, if it's something in the past that is over and done with, then figure out how to move forward. Self forgiveness for mistakes made when you didn't know better goes a long way. And if you did know better and you still did something that makes you feel guilty? Figure out if it's something that you can fix. And if you can, do that. If you can't figure out how to move forward.
Guilt will eat you alive. Because you are constantly reliving the moments where you should have done something different. And your brain doesn't really have an off switch for that so you are just traumatizing yourself over something you cannot change. Don't do that to yourself.
You don't have to forgive yourself, just like you don't have to forgive anyone else who wrongs you. But you do have to figure out how to let it go. Live with a regret, do better in the future, but stop punishing yourself for the past.
I remember the first time I read about that idea. It literally changed my life.
I don't do guilt.
And I live with my regrets as a part of who I am.
A reminder to do better when given the chance.
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