Delayed Grief...

Kevin died a year ago this past Tuesday. Today is the day his facebook friends found out he was gone. My feed is filled with grief today as people mark the year. 

I wrote about him on my Thirty Days of Thanks on the 21st. He shares the 21st with Jack (Brent's father). Jack's birthday, Kevin's death day. Life and death marked together as is the way in my family. I'm not sure yet if it's a good poetic reminder or a fucking gut punch. But it is. So I hold space for both when they happen.

But for three days those of us where weren't local didn't know he was gone. In our minds and hearts he was still alive. Delayed grief without realizing it was delayed. 

Kevin and I would have had a really deep philosophical talk about it if it hadn't been him who had died. First he would have taken a walk down to the local dispensary, and then we would have talked about when the death actually occurs, is it when the person stops living or when the people they love all find out, does it happen in stages? The people who are closest find out and death starts. Like a ripple in a pond maybe, until the farthest circle happens death isn't complete. Schrodinger's cat for sure would have been mentioned.  

We had a lot of deep talks while he was high and I was just my normal off kilter self. I miss that. His altered state and my normal were the same wavelength but with different life experiences. So we understood each other but also got new perspectives and new things to ponder. And also new weird food combinations to try. Sometimes the things I would come up with to eat when Brent was travelling made Kevin seriously doubt that I have never gotten stoned. And also try them for himself. 

But...

Watching the grief reminders spread this year has reminded me how many people he shared a wavelength with. In different ways. He was a multitude contained in one person. A puzzle piece with all of the different edges that could fit in with a variety of pictures. He meant and still means a lot to a lot of people all over the world.

And, to go back to the rings in a pond analogy, if we are all still remembering and holding that thought is he gone? 

Does anyone die while there are people still holding their memory?

What is the "us" part of us anyway? Is it what we hold in our own bodies or is it what other people hold of us in their hearts? What makes us, us?

I don't fear death. When I die this existence is over. There is no reason to fear it, there was no me before I was born, there will be no me after I die. I don't have existential fears over the prebirth time so why would I have it about the after death?

But the difference between before I was born and after I die will be other people having memory of me. 

I did not exist before. But after I die part of me will live on in the memories of those I leave behind. 

Life after death.

Is that what it really means?

And trying to follow all of that makes you understand why Kevin got stoned...

I miss you, my friend. 

We all miss you.