That Moment...

I'm going to link something I read this week that has just sat in my head ever since. It's long, I'm warning you, but it really spoke to me. Especially his three steps to being a hero. Which, honestly, I get it, they speak to me because I preach a lot of that. But also they spoke to me because I've lost a little bit of that over the years. 

Because of the On This Day feature on Facebook those of us who have been on a long time get to see the evolution of our online presence. How you posted when you were first wading in, what it morphed into, what you are now. I tiptoed in the first few years. Short bits, mostly jokes. A lot of positivity. 

As the years went by the posts got longer. I stopped apologizing before I posted anything political. I got a lot more personal. I made a lot of jokes. A lot of positivity. 

Then 2016 happened. And I can see from that point on that something inside me broke. 

I was talking to Brent last night at dinner about it. That there is a definite line of demarcation there. He said that my baseline is still really positive. That I'm just basically a happy person at heart who likes to see the good in others. And I said that I think that's what broke me. 

Now, 2016 was a rough year for a lot of reasons. I was in the longest depressive stretch I've ever had. I'm very lucky that my depressive phases are not diabilitiating. They are not depression that leads you to not being able to function. It just grays everything out. It's very hard to see all the colors of the rainbow. To give significant fucks about anything. The answer to every question is "I don't care" and I really don't. When I'm in that side of the swing everything is whatever. I'm also very lucky that I don't generally stay on that side of the pendulum for long. I tend to be center manic most of the time. 

But that year, end of 2015 through the majority of 2016 was rough. Just a constant wave of bleh. It was bad enough that I decided to force my way out of it. Also an area where I'm lucky. A lot of people who have depression cannot force their way through. It's not something they can fake their way past. And I wasn't sure I was going to be able to at first. The things I do to keep my moods under control weren't working at the time (exercise, daily gratitude, eating right, as good of a night's sleep as I can get). I decided that I was going to bully my way through. And I did. 

But 2016 was also, well 2016. It was the year Trump was elected. And I think that's actually the piece that broke me. Not him exactly. But the people who voted for him. Friends of mine who looked at him and all he was presenting and said Yeah!

It did something to my optimism. To my belief that people are basically good. 

Because these weren't strangers. These were friends. Family. People I thought I knew. 

And then when they did it again in 2020 after everything else? Man. It's hard to believe in the goodness of others when they insist on showing you that they aren't.

It hurts worse when you think you know someone. When you are pretty sure they are decent, good, humans and yet... Because Trump isn't good. He isn't decent. I think it's weird when people defend him. When they dismiss the things he's said and done. When they pretend like it's not a big deal. I mean, my gosh, I'm probably going to read Mitt Romney's book because even though we do not agree about much politically (except universal healthcare even though he doesn't seem to remember how in favor of it he was) he at least was able to see through a lot of the Trump stuff. I want to see why he was willing to buck his party for his conscience since that seems to be a really hard thing for others to do.

When I see people I used to think were really GOOD people. The kind of people who take care of others. Who see the humanity in everyone. When I see those people ignore their own past selves and vote for the hate and the othering and the dismantling of our own country...well it hurts.

Or it did hurt. I'm a little numb to it now. I've dismissed a lot of what I used to think about people. I'm more likely to think that most people are assholes that I am that most people are decent. I broke in 2016 and I've never recovered.

Reading that James Fell piece along with my thinking about the next year and how I want it to be about being more than striving I'm wondering if that piece broke for good or if I can mend it.

Or is it okay that it broke? That I have a more realistic view of the people in my life. That I know the ones who cannot be counted on to do the decent thing. And more importantly, that I need to continue to be vocal in showing my support because there are so many that can't be counted on. 

I can be those butterfly wings that make a difference in someone's life. 

Maybe it's not a break but an opportunity to fine tune where those fucks go. To make sure that I still give a fuck. Lots of fucks. But that I don't waste them on people who don't deserve them. And to see that when someone shows me that they don't deserve them to not take it as something wrong with me, but with them. Which, actually, let's be honest, I already do. I'm pretty sure I'm chaotic good. 

So yeah, 2016 was that moment for me. A long moment, but a moment. I can see where I broke. I can see where the shift happened. I can remember how dark that time was. But I can also remember climbing out. I can remember who was there checking in. And I can remember seeing things clearly. Even when it hurt to do so. 

So looking forward I want more moments where I see things clearly and keep moving through them. 

Where I follow those three steps of his to be the hero in my own story. And possibly help someone else become the hero in their own. 

Don't let the assholes steal all your fucks.