Last Anniversary...

Whew, we made it. 

Or we will have by the end of today. 

Today is the 12th anniversary of my father's funeral.

Facebook, for a long time, stopped showing me 2011 memories starting the beginning of June through about mid August. I didn't ask them to hide those posts, which is a thing you can do. Just something in the algorithm decided that I wouldn't want the reminders of that time. 

Which made it so much worse. It was like a reinforcement of the hole that was left when he died. Ignoring something doesn't make it go away. 

But they've finally started showing those memories again. 

And today's were of the funeral. 

Which was honestly the best part of the whole experience in a weird way. The shock was worn off a bit, but still enough of a buffer that it wasn't devastating when people would sort of forget why we were home and say things like, "It's so good to see you!" then realize in that split second that the reason why they were seeing me was because we were at my dad's funeral and the horror would flash across their faces and I would end up comforting them instead of them comforting me. It wasn't devastating because of the shock, and it was amusing because of the shock and the exhaustion. 

And then spending time with the family after the funeral. Playing games like we've done at so many other family gatherings. Just blowing off steam. Adult beverages included. Reading to my grand nephew. Watching Brent play with him. Knowing that it would probably be years before we would see any of them again. And, for once, instead of arguing about the things we all didn't agree on, we were united in the one thing we did. That we missed Dad. 

As far as funerals and funeral days go, it was actually lovely. 

And I'm glad that I'm getting the memories from that time period again. 

We live in a world that pushes everyone to quickly move on from uncomfortable feelings. To zoom past pain and sorrow. Smile. Be positive. It's okay. It will all be okay. And sometimes that's not what you need. You need to deal with whatever it is that's causing you the discomfort. Because just ignoring it doesn't work.

Now that being said, for those of you that know me you know I'm not a real fan of wallowing either. There is a line for me. Deal with what you need to to move forward and then move. Knowing that sometimes you move forward with the sorrow or grief or discomfort. You learn how to manage your life with that pain in it now. And eventually you either do get over the pain, or you learn how to carry it with you. 

But you can't just ignore it, or pretend it's not there. 

It's like that leftover container in the back of the fridge. You can forget about it for awhile but eventually something is going to happen that reminds you and that problem has now grown fur and possibly teeth...

It's better to deal with the feelings and learn how to live with them, or move past them in a healthy manner than to wait for them to bite you in the ass.

So as we reach the last of the grief anniversaries until August I'm grateful that I can see those memories again. To smile at the adorable picture I took of my Grand Nephew at the funeral reception. To laugh at the Catch Phrase game memory "It's also something dirty" to see my dad's face smiling at me from the picture of the "I've Moved" program from the service. And to cry just a little bit when the Moth Story of the day was from a woman talking about losing her father and how she and her sisters moved through the grief. 

 Grief is just love with no place to go. -Jamie Anderson