Heavy Lifting...

Brent told me this weekend, "Only you can decide how much of someone else's heavy you can lift."

It was a great line. And a good reminder.

There is a lot going on the world right now and it all is going to hit us in different ways. 

And only you can decide how much of it to try and take on.

It's part of the social media diet I'm going to try. I need to get a break from the onslaught of ick. Brent dropped Facebook a few years ago for the same reason. It all got to be too ugly for him to want to look at. Katie stopped following some news spaces she had been following because the constant barrage of anti-trans legislation news was starting to drag her mental health down. 

To protect yourself, to practice real self-care as the book I just finished would phrase it, you have to set boundaries. You have to decide what is good for you to take on. 

Because other people will never set them for you. If you are willing to do more, take on more, they will continue to give it to you. To hand you more and more.

And some people are good with that. It works fine for them. They seem to have an unlimited well to tap. 

Some people it works right up until it doesn't. They end up just falling under the weight and hopefully someone notices. 

Me? I learned a long time ago that no is a complete sentence and I use it often. That forcing myself to do things I don't want to leads to me feeling unwell. Physically and mentally. Though sometimes I still get that twinge, that feeling of should I be doing more? 

Brent reminded me that sometimes someone else's heavy is not a load you can carry. Sometimes it is. Sometimes you lending a hand works for both of you. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes you trying to help lift that load is just going to get you crushed. And only you can decide which kind of heavy it is. 

And you have to be prepared the first few times you don't pick up that load to be met with the guilt blow back. Either from them or more likely from yourself. If you've been one of those people that does everything for everyone and you start to cut back on that, or stop it altogether? Well nobody is used to that. People will question you, you will question yourself. Brent's cousins use WWDD as their fall back. What Would Denise Do?

It started as a joke when I taught them that no was a complete sentence. That they get to tell people no, I don't want to do that, pick that up, handle that problem, volunteer for that committee. Just no. You don't have to give a reason. It's not anyone's business but your own. 

Same thing for the people you let into your life. Nobody is entitled to your company. 

With Facebook I set up some general rules for myself a long time ago. Like if I am friends with someone and their spouse sends me a friend request I accept it. Not accepting it seems like a drama opportunity that I would like to miss. The flip side of that, of course, is if I find I cannot stand the spouse and need to unfriend them, not just hide them but get them off my list, then I need to unfriend both of them. I've also been surprised a couple of times by who got me in the divorce. 

I also tend to freely hide and clear my lists. I recently unfriended someone who I actually do like in real life, I think they are great, but their tendency to post on horrible websites, even if their reason for posting was to argue with the vile people, meant that those horrible pages kept showing up on mine. I tried a few different things to hide that and it kept showing back up in my feed so I made the choice to clear them off my list. I don't want to see that stuff. Even though I fully appreciated that they believe they are fighting the good fight, I hate seeing the vile shit constantly. 

Only you get to decide what works for you. Only you get to say this is my boundary and you may not cross it. Only you get to say what amount of someone else's heavy you are willing to lift. 

It's okay. You can do it. 

Or not. 

Totally your choice.