We were at breakfast this morning and there was an older gentlemen and a younger woman sitting in the booth next to us. When the waitress took their order she also told the gentleman, "Happy Father's Day!" I thought it would be hilarious if he had said, "That's not my daughter, that's my wife."
As I was telling Brent about it, since he hadn't heard the exchange, he said that she hadn't wished him a happy Father's Day. I told him that's because I look too old and his daughter is in Bend.
Then I told him but on Mother's Day if we go out people wish me a happy Mother's Day everywhere we go. Because they assume that a woman my age must be a mother.
Now, I am, so it's not a big deal for me. But not all women are mothers. Some by choice, some by circumstances out of their control. Can you even imagine spending your whole reproductive life trying to have a baby and either not being able to conceive or not being able to carry to term and then people just assuming you were a mother anyway and wishing you a happy day, on what is probably one of the more painful days of the year for you? It would be enough to make you want to lock yourself in your house with no internet for the day.
People just assume I'm a mom but they don't do the same for Brent being a dad. Or they don't think it's as important to Brent as it would be to me. Because being a mother is, obviously, the most important thing to women whereas being a dad is just a side gig to men.
We don't celebrate either Mother's or Father's Day. When our parents were alive we sent gifts back home but once Ann died and we were both adult orphans we were done with that portion of our lives. We don't expect Katie to do anything for us. Part of the reasoning is that it always felt like a Hallmark holiday. Like Valentine's Day which I stopped celebrating years ago as well. I don't want capitalism to dictate my appreciation for the people around me. Tell me you love me every day, not just February 14th. A compliment from my daughter out of the blue means a lot more than a mass produced card in May.
The other part of the reasoning, at least for Mother's and Father's Day is that Katie didn't have a choice on us becoming parents so why should we expect her to give us gifts because of it? She didn't get to choose her parents. She didn't get to choose to be born. We made all of those decisions. We decided when to have kids, how many kids to have, how we were going to parent them. All of that was us. Not her. She doesn't owe us anything just because she was born.
I hold the same belief around our care when we get older. If we need help taking care of ourselves (heaven forfend) I've told Katie it's okay to put us in a home. She doesn't have to give up her life, or add stress to her life by taking care of us. She doesn't owe us anything. Again, we decide to have a child and to raise a child, she did not. She owes us nothing.
It makes me crazy when people pull that "you owe them" nonsense. They took care of you! They provided you with food, and shelter, and music lessons, and whatever else they want to add to this list. Yeah, they did. By choice. The kind of parent I was or wasn't was all my choice. Nobody owes me anything for that.
You can choose to take care of a parent. Or to celebrate Mother's and Father's Day. You can make that choice for yourself. But do it because you want to. Not because you feel like you owe it to them.
And please don't just assume a man of a certain age is a father or a woman a mother. You have no idea if they are or if they aren't and what sort of grief you could be adding to their day.
Understand that to some children with difficult parents or flat out abusive ones it's a complicated day as well. They might still love their parent but they might also not. They might know that they had to make a break because their parent was toxic. Trying to force them to send a card, or make a call, or spend some time with that parent isn't okay. Not for them. Just leave them to manage the day how they see fit.
Enjoy the day the way you want to, the way you choose to. Either celebrating Father's Day or just a typical Sunday.
Either way I hope it's a great day for you. Happy Father's day to those that celebrate. Happy Sunday to those that don't.
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