She's No Buffy...

“I’m still trying to understand why you believe you were justified in doing what you did.”

“Vampire.”

“Well, just because he was a vampire doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good person.”

“The fact that he was a vampire means he wasn’t a person at all.”

“Now, now, that’s just distancing talk. Trying to other someone so you can justify your opinion about them.”

“It’s not an opinion. That’s the science. You know this. Your audience knows this. Just because they look like people does not make them people.”

“My Uncle Joe became a vampire. He is still my Uncle Joe.”

“First off, I am very sorry for your loss…”

“He wasn’t lost, he’s still with us.”

“I’m very sorry for your loss. Your Uncle Joe died the day the parasite invaded his brain and took over his body.”

“Then how come he still remembers everything that my Uncle Joe would have? He is still my Uncle Joe, he just is…”

“Prone to tearing out people’s throats and drinking their blood in a disgusting display of brutality?”

“Well, only a few times, now we have him on a diet of blood from the volunteer brigade and he’s fine.”

“Dependent on the blood of people who are supposedly volunteering for the task, that doesn’t sound fine.”

“You still didn’t answer the question. If he’s not my Uncle Joe, if he’s not a person anymore, how does he still have all of his memories?”

“If I’m using a computer and I walk away from it, if you had the right passwords you could sit down and access all of the files that I stored on it. That’s what they do. They access the files. But they aren’t the person. Not anymore.”

“So you are trying to say that a person’s memories are just stored like files and if you had access you could just what? See them all?”

“Yes, that’s what I am saying. And it’s not just me. There have been multiple studies done about this. This is not some sort of secret information. It’s available, it’s been reported on, it’s not even debatable, it’s settled science.”

“That’s just an opinion.”

“No, it’s not an opinion. An opinion is do you like potatoes or tomatoes. A fact is that they are different.”

“But they are both vegetables!”

“No, they aren’t. A potato is a vegetable, and a tomato is a fruit. Just because we use tomatoes in savory dishes and act like they are vegetables doesn’t make them a vegetable.”

“Culinarily speaking a tomato is the same as a potato. Which shows it’s just an opinion.”

“No, it still doesn’t. It just means people got tired of arguing the fact that you could use fruit in dishes you normally think of as having vegetables. It doesn’t make the tomato a fruit. Anymore than you wanting to believe that that thing is your Uncle Joe makes him your Uncle Joe.”

“Well…I mean…I… Let’s get away from the personal attacks and back to the purpose of this interview. My audience wants to know who made you judge, jury and executioner? How come you get to decide who lives and who dies?”

“See this badge? Zoom in on it so your viewing audience gets a good look. I’m sanctioned by the Department of Undead Safety Taskforce. I’ve had years of training to identify the parasites and to protect myself and others from them. I am the judge, jury and executioner. That is literally my job.”

“But surely you can see how those of us, those of my viewing audience, could find what you do to be nothing more than murder.”

“Do you, excuse me, does your viewing audience feel the same way when they call an exterminator to get rid of termites in their house? Do they feel the same way when they clean their counters with an antibacterial cleanser to get all of the germs that might infect them and get them sick? Do they feel the same way when they shower and get the filth off of them?”

“I find it offensive that you continue to refer to them as filth and infections and pestilence.”

“I am sure that you do. Deeply. Maybe even personally.”

“Yes, I do take it very personally. My Uncle Joe is a beloved member of the family. And I’m not the only one. Look at the depiction of vampires through history. They are loving members of the community. Angel and Buffy were the first love story for an entire generation. Edward and Bella shaped another.”

“Yes, hundred or more years old man pursues high school girl is always a great romance.”

“Well that’s not exactly…”

“No, that is it exactly. And let’s not forget Spike.”

“Oh we’d never forget Spike, right ladies?”

“Spike who tried to rape Buffy. Then became her second great love interest. Much like Luke and Laura on General Hospital. What great romance doesn’t start with a rape, or attempted rape right?”

“But that was before he found his soul again.”

“So you are saying that before that he was soulless? So not human at all, even though he still had all of the memories from when that body was human?”

“That’s not what I was saying, and besides, that just fiction. “

“Now it’s just fiction. Before you were trying to make it a history lesson.”

“Not exactly a history lesson, just more a popular depiction in fiction. Which is a great way to experience another lifestyle.”

“Sure. And if that popular fiction is being written by a vampire, then it might want to make things like romance between centuries old beings and teenagers normal. Or thinking of most vampires being basically good, just with different dietary needs.”

“Are you saying that Joss Whedon is vampire?”

“No, I’m saying that Joss Whedon and Stephenie Meyer are both vampires.”

“I’m stunned.”

“Are you though?”

“Excuse me?”

“I just don’t think you are. I think you are fully aware of who is and who isn’t infected. Also settled science and not an opinion, you can recognize each other. Pheromones. It’s a good evolutionary tool. That way you don’t ever try to eat or breed with one of your own.”

“I am sure I don’t care for what you are implying.”

“I’m not implying anything. I’m saying it outright. You are a vampire. You’ve been doing a decent job of hiding that fact. But as your show became more and more pro Infectors you caught our eye. At first we weren’t sure if you were just a Renfield, but when a few members of your staff disappeared we were pretty sure you were beyond press agent and into full infection.”

“Turn the cameras off!”

“No, keep them rolling. This is going to be a ratings bonanza. Julie Sinclair, of the Just Jules Show Revealed as Vampire on National Television.”

“If you believe I’m really one of them why aren’t you worried about your own throat?”

“Because I’m not stupid. You’re already dead.”

“We had this discussion earlier, even if I was a vampire, I’m not dead. I’m Julie Sinclair. I’ve always been Julie Sinclair and I am still Julie Sinclair. I am just as alive as you are.”

“No, I mean, I’ve already taken care of you. Camera One? You’re going to want to get a close up start with the right hand then work your way up the arm and on to its face. This isn’t a process a lot of people have ever seen before.”

“What the hell? What is going on?”

“Yeah, that’s the sliver of hawthorn wood making its way through your system. I slid it under the skin of your palm when we shook hands at the beginning of this interview. Everyone always thinks you need a giant stake through the heart, which is almost impossible to do with an adversary that is much stronger and faster than you are.”

“You bitch.”

“Yeah, probably. But at least I’m human. Camera three are you getting the right angle? You should be able to make out the parasite wearing the skin of Julie Sinclair now. Camera Two? I’m going to be talking directly to you now. Control booth? You’ll want to do a split screen with the skin sack and me.

What you are seeing right now is the remains of Julie Sinclair finally being allowed to rest. She passed from this existence around January of last year. Her “Uncle Joe” infected her with his parasite while she slept. This is how they breed. She didn’t notice the bite mark, we’ve all been conditioned to think of fang marks on a neck, but in reality, it’s as small as a mosquito bite, and it could be anywhere on the body. It took a few months for the parasite to gain full control of her and at that point the spark that was Julie Sinclair was extinguished.

There, you’ll see the proboscis now clearly showing under where Julie’s nose and mouth used to be. The stinger is not yet fully developed, and it would not have been ready to breed for quite a while. They are slow to mature. A vampire only splits its parasitic infection once every 50 years or so. Thankfully. We would have been completely overrun by now if it were more frequent. Though of course that’s part of the design, it wouldn’t do any good for the parasite to completely overtake it’s host community.

And believe what you are seeing. This is not Julie Sinclair. This is a parasite wearing a Julie Sinclair skin suit. This is a body snatcher. This is an invader. Some of you still won’t believe what you are seeing, but some of you will. And that’s all I can hope for. My job is to keep you, and me, and our future safe.

This will be the last Just Jules Show but has not been Just Jules for a long time now. There is a number on your screen you can dial to get help processing everything you’ve just seen. And if you believe that someone you know has been infected do not try to handle it yourself. I cannot stress how dangerous that would be. If I had not had the opportunity to take it by surprise it could have quickly over powered me and you would have seen a very different display of vampirism today.

Leave the vampire hunting to the Department of Undead Safety Taskforce. Thank you and goodnight.

Can somebody bring me a broom? I’ll clean the rest of this up before I go.”