Creative...

I've talked about this before but it's been awhile. 

This morning I was talking to a friend about a craft that she does. And it's amazing. I've got another friend who crochets these incredible quilts (you might have seen the one she did with Tig and Tux on it) and they are amazing. I have another friend who paints incredible pictures when she's not too busy with her horse and her dog. I have another friend who is in art school right now and has had multiple showings in galleries and studios not to mention multiple pieces of her various artistic stylings displayed at Mastenbrook Manor. I have other friends who are cartoonists, and book illustrators, and map makers, and clothing designers and...well a lot of creative endeavors.

It's not just my friends either. My family members paint, create stained glass, weave, arrange flowers, decorate cakes, knit and crochet. 

I...

don't. 

I just wasn't born with that particular skill set. Which can be really frustrating because at times I can see what I would make if I could. I can describe it to you. I can picture it in my head. But I cannot get my hands to make what my mind sees. It's just not my skill set. 

For a long time I tried and tried again to find some sort of craft I could do. The last time was knitting then crochet. I made Katie a REALLY long scarf. It was pretty. Ish. Not exactly the neatest thing ever. And like I said really long. Probably way too long to be practical. But I tried. When I taught myself how to knit and then how to crochet I looked at some of the patterned things, and I'm pretty sure Brent could hear the static in my head as it short circuited. I just couldn't make the notations make sense. I watched YouTube videos, I read books, I tried over and over and it just seemed like gibberish. I think it must be what dyslexia feels like. You know you are supposed to be seeing something logical, you know other people are seeing something logical, but you cannot make your head unscramble it. 

Luckily crocheting and knitting aren't as necessary as reading so I could just abandon it. 

And I did. 

I write. I write well. I can describe an art piece in my writing (like the ones hanging in The Crypt) but I cannot physically make them. 

And that used to really bum me out. I would tell people that I'm just not creative. I would focus on all of the things I couldn't do instead of the one I can. I can tell a story. Written or oral. I can weave a picture for you. I can paint a scene. I can color outside the lines and make you see things that don't actually exist. I am creative.

But it took a long time for me to get there. To say those words. Because I had in my head what creative was and it wasn't anything I could do. 

We do that a lot. We focus on the things we are lacking. The pieces we don't have. And then we apply these weird labels to ourselves around those missing pieces. We define ourselves by what we aren't instead of what we are. 

I am not a lot of things. There are so many things that I could be that it makes sense I wouldn't be most of them. 

But I am a lot of things as well. 

I mean, more than one person out there has probably described me as a lot...

One of the Ocean things I want to make sure I'm embracing this year is that feeling of support that I get when I'm floating. I want to wrap myself in the feeling of being enough and the only way to really do that is to not struggle against what I am not. What I am is more important that what I am not. 

It's not always easy to do. The world is constantly banging on about how you need to be something else. Thinner, younger, smarter, prettier, richer, any number of things. But, I kind of like who I am already. Sure I want to be the best version of that. I want to indulge my curiosity. I want to expand my knowledge. I want to embrace my gold stars. But what I choose to do is a reflection of who I already am. Who I am working on being the best version of. 

I'm not creating something new out of whole cloth, but I'm still creating. 

Because I am creative like that. 

(just don't ask me to follow a pattern)