History...

This blog will be the 98th blog of the year. Which means at the beginning of July I am past the number written all year on my worst five years. Now, to be fair, the first three probably shouldn't count. I hadn't really committed much to this space. I was doing a lot of other things as well. I hadn't really started to look at this as someplace I should spend time, I should commit to, I should post frequently on. So if I drop those three out and look, I'm still better than my worst two years. And, okay, one of those two years I was pretty damn depressed and teetering on the edge of losing my shit completely but still... If you take that year out I've passed my worst posting year.

So no matter what happens with the rest of 2021 I know it won't be the worst I've ever done. So I've got that going for me...

It's interesting to me to have all of these blogs at my finger tips. It's my own history at a glance. And because I refuse to give them titles that might actually help me sort them I am always surprised when I dip in to a past blog to see what I was writing about that day. Oh look! It's an existential crisis about what I'm doing with my life blog! Those are always fun!

But it is nice to see where I've been consistent and where I've shifted my beliefs. Sometimes there is even a blog about that shift. A thing that happened. A piece of knowledge gained. Meeting someone who completely shifted my thoughts about a situation. All of those things can change my opinions. Can shift my beliefs. And I generally write about them when it happens. 

I tend to circle around a lot of the same ideas. I've even written about the fact that I have all of this information before. Things that are important to me get multiple showings over the years. You can tell a lot about who I am and what I care about by reading these pages. 

Which is the point, isn't it?

We all want to be seen. To be understood. Sometimes it's just as simple as understanding that some people want to be left the fuck alone, but that's still seeing and understanding. 

I use my blog for that. Not the leave me the fuck alone part. I use my side eye for that... For the see me, understand me part I spend time writing out paragraphs of why I believe what I believe. But even with writing out paragraphs and paragraphs there are times when I get a comment from someone who has clearly missed the point. Or who has gotten hung up on one or two words and then spun a whole different narrative around those words. Who clearly wants to have an argument with someone else but since I'm here I'll do. 

Those are the most frustrating times. Because it shows that clearly I have not been seen. I have not been understood. I might as well have not written at all. 

And that's how you get years like 2013 and a paucity of blogs. 

But this year, after this blog, I'm at 98. 

See me.