Remembering...

I've forgotten her name. 

I remember how I felt the first time I heard it. I remember the times I couldn't get it out of my head. 

I remember reading the words on the paper. Hearing his voice in my head as I read. The words he said to her. The feelings he had for her. 

But...

I've forgotten her name. 

I remember jealously guarding the phone when it would ring. Watching the caller ID. I remember hating being the type of person who jealously guards the phone watching the caller ID.

I remember counting the minutes on the clock when he was late coming home from work. Wondering if it was a meeting or her keeping him out. Was he on his way home or parked down the street clutching a cell phone to his ear? I remember the seconds ticking so slowly. 

But...

I've forgotten her name. 

I remember the times she was in my house. In my car. In my bed. Sitting between us on the couch in the counselors office. Not physically there, but taking up so much space. 

I remember wondering what she was like. What did she have that I didn't? Was she prettier? Thinner? Younger? I remember looking in the mirror wondering what she saw in hers.

But...

I've forgotten her name. 

I remember being angry with her for taking what didn't belong to her. Not him, he wasn't taken, he left. Me. I remember losing me for so long. I wasn't prepared. It wasn't fair. 

I remember me. The me I was the day before I first heard her name and the me I became the day after. Clock watching. Caller ID checking. Mirror watching. I remember being a stranger to myself.

But...

I've forgotten her name. 

I remember when I left. When I packed what was left of me and left. I remember carrying her with me when I went. Still. She haunted my dreams. 

I remember the day I didn't think about her. Then the week. Then the months. I remember the day I met you. 

And you helped me to forget her name.