We Begin at the End...

Normally I wouldn't start a series with a recap but I feel like it's important with this one. 

My daughter came out to the world as trans yesterday. When she first told us I had a lot to process so I did what I do and I wrote. But since she was not ready to come out to the world yet I didn't post them. I always knew I would publish them eventually. You all know I use my blog to process my feelings, to let other people know they aren't alone in their feelings, and to try and push the world in the direction I would like it to go.

Because they were written starting almost a year ago they are not the language I would use now. They aren't the way I speak about my daughter now. But there is a reason for that and I explain in the posts. I just wanted everyone to be clear as to why they will read the way they do. 

I also want to say that, so far, everyone has been really lovely. Like REALLY lovely. I have had tears of love in my eyes repeatedly over the past few days as we first told family then friends. There has been some silence as well and I'm not sure if it's just they haven't seen the posts yet or if they have nothing positive to say so they are staying silent, but for the most part people have been really supportive of Katie and I am so grateful for that. 

She's going to need a strong circle of true allies. People who are willing to stand with her in spaces where people don't want her to be. People who are willing to push back against the arguments being made against her right now. Because you need to understand when politicians are talking about trans women they are talking about Katie. And if you have a hard time reconciling their image with who you know she is then you need to speak up. 

There aren't a lot of posts, it should take about a week of posting one a day to get through them and back to this one, but I hope they help anyone else going through transition as a family member or a friend. 

So let's begin shall we? 

May 2021

We Begin…

 

Telling me I’m wrong is not an easy thing for people to do. I really like being right. I’m often right. I enjoy being right. I mean, I will admit when I’m wrong, I will own up to it, but I hate it. Because I like being right. Especially when I get something right that other people get wrong.

When I was pregnant, I knew I was having a boy. Long before we had the ultrasound done, I just knew I was carrying a boy. I didn’t want a girl. I wanted a boy. I wasn’t sure what I would even do with a girl. I’m not super girly. I never really related to girls growing up. But I wasn’t worried about that because I was having a boy.

Yesterday my son let me know I was wrong. After a deep breath and a slowly enunciated sentence that I believe was practiced a few times the words, “I am a trans woman.” were said. My response? “Really? Wow.” Almost 30 years later I find out I was wrong.

Wow indeed.

He came home for the long weekend to help us out. We needed to go to New Mexico to take care of one last thing in his grandmother’s estate. Since we got the cats during the pandemic the longest they had ever been left alone was around 3 hours. We thought it was probably a good idea for them to have a house sitter the first time, and so I called C and asked if he would come. He said sure and he spent a couple days with them, then a day and half with us as well. And about a half hour or so before we left for the airport to send him back to Bend he told us. The timing was planned on his part.

Now, let me explain something here that is probably already pissing some of you off. He’s only tiptoed out so far. He’s asked us not to say anything to anyone because he’s not quite ready yet. When I talk about him, he wants me to talk about him as I have always done so I am still using masculine pronouns and his birth name. When he is ready for that to change, I will change. I’m not disrespecting him or dead naming him, I’m doing what he asked.

It’s going to be extremely hard not to edit and change to feminine and the new name when I do publish this, but I’m not going to do that either. If I start editing those things, I will be very tempted to edit more and give it a “now” polish instead of “then” reality. Because my now will be then by the time this sees the light of day and I am sure a lot of what I am thinking and feeling right now will seem wrong to me by then.

I write to process things. And I need to process this. But I also need to respect that this is C’s timeline. Although, I have to say it feels like there is more than one transition happening here.

C has spent a few years thinking about this, exploring the idea of it. Making realizations about himself and why he has always felt or not felt certain things. Asking questions and coming to conclusions. It wasn’t an easy process to even get this far. But we are just starting so, I apologized for everything we will get wrong and started my own journey, as he becomes fully who he is. As he drops “he” and becomes fully she and her, I will have to retrain my brain to say I have a daughter. And she does this. And she lives there. I will have to learn to think of a new name when I think of my child. And all of that is going to take some time.

Right now, mostly I’m just terrified. A giant gaping hole of fear opened in my gut that will live with me for the rest of my life. Being a woman in this world isn’t easy. Being a trans woman is harder than that. And dangerous. And right now, there is a large movement among the Conservatives to outlaw my child’s existence. To take away health care. To take away housing rights. To watch where they pee. To make their existence illegal. It’s all a political tactic and I was pissed about it before, now I’m pissed and terrified. Because violence against trans women is already statistically higher than other populations and the rhetoric those assholes are using is just going to make that worse. So, I’m scared. The world is about to get a lot more dangerous and hateful, and I wish that it weren’t, but it is.

I’m also at a loss as to how to be as supportive as he needs. He’s out in an online space where he feels safe. In that area he’s already going by she/her. He has started hormone therapy and is looking for the rest of the support system he will need. It’s a complicated process. And I don’t really know anything about it all. Like I said, I’ve already apologized for the mistakes I know I will make. I’ve made it as clear as I can that nothing I say wrong will be done from a hurtful place. That there is nothing but love for my child, always.  And he did let us know that we were the first offline people he told. And that he never had any doubt in how it would be received. Which could be the best parenting compliment we’ve ever gotten.

So, we start now. And I will write about all of it as it happens. Because I need to transition to having a daughter. I thought I never wanted one, but now that I have one, I have to say I was wrong about that too.

 

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