July Recap!

Here we are again...more than half way through the year.

Fitness/Weight! So when I last left you I had just purchased the Fitbit and was adding in a lot more walking to hit those 8000 steps and 3 miles a day. I had lost 2 pounds for the month and I was down about the same for the year. I kept at it this month, my normal 5-6 days at the gym plus an additional 5 days hitting 8000 steps and....I gained almost a pound. So...yeah. I'm done. I mean it. I'll still track until the end of the year because I set it as a goal but I'm done expecting to budge off of this zone. I also hit the day I had put in my planner awhile ago to be honest about my clothes hoard and get rid of anything that didn't fit. No more somedaying this will fit or god forbid this might fit againing. And it all went away. Five full bags. Everything I own fits now. I need to go in for a new bra fitting, just ordered a couple in my normal size and they don't fit so that's obviously changed as well, but then I will have only things that fit. Working out to keep healthy. Eating for health. Not expecting that number to budge.

Reading! Can you believe it? I'm four books behind. I swear I am going to catch up soon! Right? I have to. For the Discworld piece it was The Hogfather which actually worked out really well. It's a Christmas story and so I had Christmas in July.

Writing! Crazy enough, after posting this I will have hit my needed average number for the month to keep on track. So I'll still be four ahead for the year. I was pretty sure I was going to miss that this month but a last minute brain dump caught me back up. Fiction I FINALLY finished that multipart story so that was great. It also kept me ahead for the year. I still need to get one last submission in for the year so I'll focus on that next month. Got the rejection for the last round so that's always a banner day...The goal was submissions not acceptance...blah blah blah woof woof...

MasterClass! I took one on political campaigns by Karl Rove and David Axelrod. Really interesting. You can see who is the democrat and who is the republican even if you didn't know going in. Sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason. Trying to decide if I do Joyce Carol Oates or Penn and Teller next month. I had been going to go with Penn and Teller just for a fun one but Joyce Carol Oates is a master at short stories so I'm not sure I can wait to hear her. I'll decide by morning.

Monthly Museum/Attraction! Brent and I did the Shanghai Tunnels tour in Portland over the Fourth of July. It was super interesting. Not just because all of the stories around Shanghai Tunnels are not true, but that was a big part of it for me. I love finding out that things we were all sure we knew we really didn't know at all!

Long Term! Finally hung the pictures in the basement and I got curtains for the dining room window. Ahhh....

So what's up for next month?

BIRTHDAY MONTH!

Get your cake and compliments ready!

My Marianne Williamson Blog...

So I made the comment after the first Democratic Debate in June that the other people on stage had no idea what to make of Marianne Williamson. And then the people at home watching who had never heard of her were like...whaaa?

I knew who she was. I read her first book back in the 90s. I knew about her charity work. I knew about her connection to Oprah. I knew she had a whole big deal company now. So it was kind of amazing to me to see how many people had no idea who she was.

Last night she was, again, the most Googled person on the stage. There are tons of article about her now. And tons of people mocking her. And tons of people mad that she's taking up space on the stage. And..well...

I don't think she should be president. I really don't. But I don't think most of the people running should be president. Including our current president. I think you should have a different skill set than she has to be president. But I'm not mad at her for being on stage. I'm really not mad at her for getting attention to her ideas.

In the 90s, when I read her book, I was on a quest to find a guiding principle in life. I didn't realize it at the time, I just thought I was interested in a lot of ideas. But looking back and I can see that I was lost and searching for something. I was raised in the church. I had a whole set of beliefs and rules built around that. And when I decided that they were wrong, that I didn't believe them, that I was leaving I suddenly found myself unmoored. If I didn't believe that then what did I believe?

And her book, A Return to Love, fell in to my lap at that point in time. I can't tell you a lot of specifics from it, and like I said I was reading a lot of things like that at the time, The Four Agreements, Conversations with God, a few others. By reading those things, at that time, I started to knit together what I believe.

I took the things from the church that I agreed with and I added on. I didn't take everything from every book. But I took what spoke to me. And a lot of what she had to say spoke to me. Kindness is important. Healing our hurts is important. The world needs more love is important.

There is a quote of hers that makes the rounds a lot (though often attributed to others)"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." It's what holds a lot of us back. We think we aren't enough, but maybe we are everything. Then what is our issue? Why aren't we doing everything we want to be doing? Accomplishing everything there is? I remember when I read it that it sat with me for days. Years. Decades.

I molded a lot of what you see from that time period. My own rules of living, and a lot of that came from her ideas.

So I don't think she's a joke. I don't think she's crazy. I don't think she should be mocked. I also don't think she should be president, but I will say that I think we would all do a little better to listen to her, and reflect some of her ideas than to listen to Trump and reflect his.

Denise's Rules for Living a More Loving Life

Practice your first best thought.
 That moment when you think I should do this kind thing, do that kind thing.

If you love someone tell them.
 It does them no good if you keep it to yourself.

Be kind. Listen to strangers when they want to talk.
 You could be the only contact they have all day. Five minutes of your life can make a real difference in theirs.

Understand that not everything is about you.
 Sometimes people are having a bad day and you just got caught in the blast zone. Walk away.

Smile more.
 It will make you feel better, it will make the people you smile at feel better.

Smile at yourself as well.
 Do it. When you see yourself in the mirror give yourself a smile.

Give that compliment.
 See other rules around being kind. It really does make someone's day to hear something good about  themselves.


There are more, but that's a big chunk of what I took from that time frame. Basically don't be an asshole. Be actively kind instead. Now you all know I am fully capable of being an asshole and I think at times people deserve what they get...but in general? I try. That's my motto. I try.

So discount what you don't believe in what she says, but don't discount everything. There are a lot of good life rules in there. You can try as well.

Changes...

Perspective...

In my on this day feed was a post I was tagged in from a friend. His wife was about to make one of her epic Facebook rants that always made me laugh. They were biting and snarky and I loved them. He and I would laugh about the posts.

Until I found out that she wasn't joking.

She wasn't teasing.

He wasn't in on the joke, he was the brunt of it.

They are divorced now and have been for years. He's now married to a woman who makes him happy because she enjoys him for who he is instead of berating him for who he isn't. Sometimes what we think we are seeing isn't what we are seeing at all. Looking back on what she would say I can see it was poison dipped in just enough sugar to try and hide the fact that it was meant to kill.

I made that post two years ago. That post combined with the one from ten years ago where he tagged me in to the upcoming/incoming rant from his then wife still makes me grit my teeth. I'm glad he's in a new relationship now with someone who loves him the way he is. I'm still really sorry that he wasn't originally.

Then it made me start thinking of all of the times we end up in relationships with people who try to make us who they want us to be. Not just love affairs, but friendships as well. Those people who are drawn to you, but more an idea of you than the real you. Of who they think you can become.

It can be done with the best of intentions. I had a friendship in high school with a lovely girl who REALLY wanted me to be more polished. I had all of the good bones of what she thought I could be. I was smart already, (being smart in my high school was actually a plus on the popularity column, we valued intelligence as much as sports ability, and if you were both? Well then..), I was interested in an extracurricular she was and was at the time still a "good" choice, but it shifted the next year and so she dropped it, I never did. But she really wanted to refine me a bit. And I was very rough around the edges, I was probably closer to being all edges, so there was a lot to be done.

I won't say she completely failed. But by September of our sophomore year I was shunned by her targeted group of friends which meant she had to choose. I was not her choice. And I didn't blame her at all. I didn't want what she did (popularity), I didn't want to do the things they all wanted to do, and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin just yet to share who I really was so it was easier to push them all away. 

So I will say her intentions were good. In the fact that she knew what would make her happy. She liked me. She wanted to bring me along with her on that journey. And she tried, lord knows she tried, to make me an acceptable version of myself to fit in with that group.

But it was doomed to failure. Even when I did, eventually, become enough of myself to say the words, "We're poor" or "I can't afford to do that" and not feel like I was saying, "I'm not worthy" I was still not ever going to want to seek out popularity. Joining, you see. It's not for me. And in high school a large part of popularity is filtered through conformity. And I just couldn't do it. Not and stay sane. 

There have been other times in my life where it's been the same. The people who are sure that the choices they are making for you are for your best interests. That if you'd just let them run things you would be a better version of yourself. Maybe you've met them? Overzealous business mentors? Friends who think you should be XYZ thing and here I've signed you up for a class, or bought you these books or I will bring up this job for you another four times since you are clearly not listening to me. And if you could just be a little less like this or like that that would be great. 

I've also watched it happen in friend's lives. The new boyfriend or girlfriend who has definite ideas of who you should be to be the best you. And it's some sort of model they have in their own heads. The type of job you should have, the type of people you should be friends with, the number of times you should go out in a week. Sometimes it's really controlling and the red flags go up and everyone steps in to point them out, but sometimes, sometimes it's a little more subtle. Like my friend up there, whose wife would couch it all as "funny" until she just stopped and got mean.

Pay attention to the signs. Pay attention to people who are helping you along in your journey and those that want to change your path to suit them better. Helpers are great. We all need help in life. Manipulators are not. Demanders are not. Svengali is not the hero.

We all need to be more comfortable being ourselves. I reached that point a long time ago and I won't put up with the folks who try to (as my friend Megan says) should on me. You should do this...you should do that... I am who I am (says Popeye) and though I am always striving to be a better version of me, I never want to end up being someone's idea of me.

Who would ever want that?

So, incase you need to hear it today. You are great. You. The striving, the settled, the best, the worst, all of you. You are great. Don't let someone tell you that you aren't.

Fifteen Minutes...

I'm way behind this month for my blog count. It's a problem because I'm heading into the time of year where I tend to have less time to write. I was hoping to have a big padded number by the end of July and instead I'm going to be dipping in to my meager reserves to stay on pace. Whoops.

So here I sit with fifteen minutes before I need to head out the door again and I am writing. (Imagine me singing I'm writing, I'm writing, I have no ideas but I'm writing, like Elf sings I love you to his father when they meet)

I could write about the fact that I remember when a mass shooting with 3 dead and 12 wounded would be all my newsfeed covered all day. Instead it's barely a blip. But I swore I was done after Sandy Hook. There is no point.

I could write about the fact that the President once again tweeted something vile. But that's so hard to keep up with, I mean I could write about the latest awful thing he said and by the time I posted the blog there would be a different thing out there. There is no point.

I could write about the upcoming Democratic Debates, but I think I'm the only one watching at this point. And really I shouldn't even bother watching either. I mean, it's too many people. But for the handful that I think are going to make it through I really want to see them. And for the others I want to see if they are the future, or maybe cabinet potentials, or please oh please viable Senate candidates. But nobody else is interested in 24 candidates. There is no point.

I could write about cooking this week. But I'm already bored with it and I haven't even really started... I swear it feels like there is no point.

I have a start for a short story, but it's just a start. Two lines really. And I don't think they are going to go anywhere. Say it with me...there is no point.

Seeing the trend here?

I have no point to make that I haven't already tried to make a thousand times.
I have no clear idea of what I want to say that hasn't been said.
I have no story I want to tell.
I'm sort of adrift right now.

Not bad adrift. Don't worry, it's not like a few years ago when I was just lost. It's just adrift right now like, I don't know what I want to do with the rest of the year. Writing wise. Blogwise. I feel like I've said everything I have to say on subjects and I'm not sure if I just keep repackaging them around current events or if I just say, well...that's done.

It's frustrating. I know it will pass, it always does, but it's so frustrating when it's here. Because if I don't write I start to get a little buggy. Or buggier. But if I have nothing so say (see this blog) then I worry that I am treading on your goodwill as a reader. I really do cherish the three of you that read my things. So...today I feel pointless and driftless and talentless and...

Oh yeah, I got the latest rejection for submissions. I bet that has nothing to do with any of this...

And TIME!

Whew...

Point on the timeline...

So where do you think we are? Like in future political science classes where in the timeline do you think we are?

Are we in the middle of the end? Like will the Mueller testimony be taught as a subheader. "You will see here one of the two major political parties entering in to public record numerous unfounded conspiracy theories to try to muddy the waters of an investigation."

Or "Here is where the then President of the United States used a form of communication called "Twitter" to stoke racial hatred."

"The grand experiment of democracy began its slow descent into madness at these points {produces slides of any number of events} but began its full speed rush to destruction when the 45th and final president refused to leave office and the republic ate itself."

Or maybe everything will be fine and we will course correct and fix the problems we are facing and move forward stronger than ever before because we got a good scare.

Maybe.

My on this day feed today shows that it's often a politically active day. There was the Chick-Fil-A shit show, Trump being considered a joke in the primaries but I was worried, the Democratic primary, the first time Trump tweeted that he was going to ban trans service members. Me saying just watch Justice Kennedy is going to retire as soon as this session is over. And one of the recurring themes over the years has been people telling me it was all fine.

Look, eating a chicken sandwich is no big deal, why are you so bothered by this? It's just like his opinion man... Me trying to point out it's not just his opinion it's that the company (THE COMPANY NOT THE MAN) took their profits and made donations to causes that actively worked to discrimnate against the LGBTQ community. Which they still do. So yeah, it's not just a chicken sandwich and waffle fries.

Trump will NEVER get the nomination. I mean, he's clearly running to (insert your idea here, I got everything from promote his business to help Clinton win). But there is no way he will ever get the nomination.

Bernie supporters will come around. They will vote for her. They aren't going to let Trump win. There is no way Trump will win. (From my Democrat friends) Look, even if Trump were to win he's not going to do any of the shit he says. He's actually a liberal. I mean, look, if he gets in you will be surprised. (From my Republican friends) And well, they didn't, he did, and he didn't suddenly turn into something else. He told you who he was and you all voted for him anyway. Or didn't vote because you, know, what's the worst that can happen?

He's only tweeting about that to distract from the ACA vote. He doesn't actually have the authority to do anything like that. It will be fine. Nobody is going to lose their right to serve. Don't be ridiculous. Oh yeah wait...his panel said no there is no reason to ban trans service members and he did it anyway via fiat. Because that's the way he rolls.

Kennedy resigned. And we know how that worked out. I LIKE BEER.

And that's all just from today.

So here is my concern, are we actually learning anything?

Are we actually paying attention?

Will we make the changes we need to make?

I've talked about it before, how shocked I was that a lot of what we thought were laws were really traditions. That Trump is doing what he does because he can. Other presidents could have as well, they just didn't because they followed the norms. So what happens next? What is the next "Oh he won't do that because..." right before he does that because he's Trump and the Republicans in Congress are scared to oppose him lest he be mean to them.

I'm voting blue no matter who the next election. I actually don't like it, it's distasteful to me. But I see no other course correction for the short term. For the long term? Listen to the podcast I linked on my Facebook page earlier and think about some of those ideas. Try and find a way to support them. Let's move away from the "I don't think I have any other choice" stance and try to find our way to "Oh my gosh, this sounds great!" ideal.

But for now? Believe Trump when he says or tweets the outlandish thing that he can't possibly do. Because until 2020 there is nobody to stop him.

Road Trip!

She was three months in to her massive solo road trip when she almost died.  And honestly it was the only point in the trip were it could have happened. When she had first started out she had been super cautious about everything, partly her own concerns about traveling alone across country but mostly from taking on everyone else's fears for her safety.

For the months before she set off everyone she talked to about the trip had given her some version of "Aren't you scared?" and finally she was. Or if not scared, then at least a little nervous. Her grand visions of adventure had little edges of danger lurking now.

But at about three months in her caution had been replaced with confidence which almost led to catastrophe. She had mistaken "nothing bad has happened" with "nothing bad can happen."

She went on a hike that morning without double checking the weather. It had been beautiful the past three days and that morning had started out the same. The bluest skies she had ever seen. She grabbed her back pack out of the car and headed off down the trail. The plan was she would hike in to the canyon, eat her lunch and then hike back out. The reality was she got part way in to her hike and the skies darkened and the rains came.

She had thought she would walk through the storm, it had come on so suddenly that she had been soaked anyway. And friends who had been raised in the desert had talked about how most storms there only lasted for a little bit before they blew over. She thought sticking to the plan was a good idea. But the mud made her change her mind. She had never experienced mud like that. Thick and grabbing. Every step she would sink in and almost lose her boot trying to pull her foot back out. Which is probably what saved her.

Trying to get away from the thick mud she had walked a little up the rock face of the cliff next to her. She felt a little like a mountain goat trying to walk at an angle on the rocks and was trying to decide if there was enough of a path for her to keep going into the canyon this way when she heard the roar. Her head was still trying to figure out what it was while her instincts were already screaming at her to climb. She got a few feet up when the wall of water came around the bend. She had heard the phrase "gully washer" before but she hadn't fully appreciated what it was until that day. She kept climbing, holding on to every jutting rock she could find, trying to get above the waterline before it got to her but wasn't quite fast enough. She felt the spray hit her leg and knew the next wave would pull her away from the cliff face when suddenly an arm reached out from a small cave in the side of the cliff and grabbed her pulling her up and in.

The two women looked at each other for a minute and then started to laugh. It was the almost hysterical laughter of knowing how bad something could have been. The narrowly missing disaster laugh. The laugh that could have just as easily turned in to sobs. But it didn't. They had both been caught unaware of the potential for disaster hiking the canyon during flash flood season. Neither, infact, had even known there was such a thing as flash flood season until they experienced it.

They spent a few hours holed up in the cave, sharing stories over picnic lunches. Both women on their own having the adventure of a lifetime. They talked about the places they had already been and where they wanted to go next. How exciting it had all been, but also how lonely. The water eventually receded leaving just a muddy walk back to the car. By that time they had decided to travel on together. Her hero had been doing it all on foot, so the thought of driving, hiking and then car camping seemed like luxury. They mapped out a route that would take them to some bucket list areas for both of them before splitting up again in Texas.

It was a great few months. Solitude didn't really bother her much, she loved being alone with her thoughts, really she did. But having someone there who enjoyed what you enjoyed? Who laughed at your stories? Who could sit with you in companionable silence while you both read or watched the sunset or listened to a creek burble by, well that was something too.

When they got to the small town in Texas where they would say their goodbyes they made all of the promises you make to people you meet at places like Summer Camp. "Oh we'll stay in touch!" "Drop by anytime!" She dropped her off in front of an old whitewashed church. Her mother didn't know she was coming and she wanted to surprise her. It had been too long since she had seen her. But she knew her schedule was set in stone and she would be by any moment. It seemed like too personal of a meeting for a third to intrude on so they hugged one more time and separated.

She finished her adventures solo. She had thought that she would be unbearably lonely this time but she had quickly fallen back into her previous rhythms. She had enjoyed having company, but she didn't mind being alone for awhile either. Though when it was time to return home she was more than ready.

Her friends and family were excited to hear about her adventures and also relieved she was home safe. Especially after she told them about her near miss in the canyon. Her brother teased her about being so focused on the scenery that she hadn't bothered to take any pictures of her traveling companion. What was he talking about? Of course she had. She took the stack of pictures from him and found one of the two of them smiling into the camera with a high desert arch behind them. He looked at the picture and started to laugh. She wasn't sure what the joke was until he said he hadn't meant her as her companion, but her friend from the canyon. She took the picture back and...it was just her. Smiling, head tilting toward another head that was no longer there.

She found another picture of the two of them, four bare feet dangling in a stream. She asked her mother what she saw. Her mother took the photo and studied it for a minute. Her guess was she was soaking her feet after a long hike. She took the picture back and now there were only two feet.

Her companion was fading away from each photo as she shared it.

She went to Texas the next summer. She stopped her rental car in front of the old white church and got out. She wasn't sure exactly what she was looking for, proof she wasn't crazy would be good. She walked around the outside of the church and saw the small cemetery in the back. She walked through looking at old headstones, reading names and dates. Then she stopped.

An elderly woman made her way into the gated yard. She stopped next to her. She told her, "She's not here, not really." She jumped.

"I'm sorry, what do you mean?"

"They never found her. I knew she was gone, but we never found her. She had been out hiking in New Mexico the last time we heard from her. She never called again and never came home. I made them hold a service for her anyway. There's no body here, but I wanted someplace to come and remember."

"Oh. I see. I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Do you want to hear the funniest thing though?"

The old woman must have seen the puzzled look on her face.

"Not funny, like a joke, funny like odd. Comforting more than funny if you get right down to it. At least for me."

"Okay..."

"I think she came home last year."

"You mean, she's not..."

"Oh no. I mean I think she's here now. Even if her body is lost to us. I think she came back. Last summer in fact. I was standing right here and I swear I heard her say my name and whisper goodbye. I felt such peace. I think she found a way to come home."

"I think you're right. I think she did."

She gave the startled old woman a hug and headed back to her car. Hearing the whisper of thank you on the wind...

Rant Block....

I haven't written a really ranty blog in awhile. It's not that I am not feeling ranty, it's just that everything I'm feeling ranty about I've written about before. Which then pisses me off. Why are we constantly circling the same issues?

For instance...

The Trump administration is trying to limit access to food stamps. Again. This is the bill they tried to get through Congress on one of the agriculture bills and it was rejected. A few people running for re-election realized this was not a good look.

But Trump and Sonny Perdue? They are like, fuck those guys and their whiney, I'm hungry. I mean just DON'T BE POOR amiright? Of course, they aren't being that blunt, but that's really kind of the gist of it. Even though it's completely short sighted. Even if you think that somehow being poor is a sin, which the Republican party seems to, doing this will make the issue worse.

What they are trying to do is get rid of some overlapping areas of qualifications that states are using. Things that are a little less stringent. They want a federally mandated line of qualification.

Which some would say, okay that's fine, why is that a big deal?

Well, it will drop a lot of people off the qualifying list. People who are using food stamps to supplement income. To make ends meet. And it's not like they will suddenly have more money. They won't. So they will be faced with a choice. Do without, or make even less money. They also want to reduce even further the amount you are allowed to have in a savings account and still qualify. Which is one of the best ways to lift people out of poverty, by the way, having money in a savings account to cover the emergencies that pop up.

But this new ruling will force people to not have savings accounts and to not take that promotion, or work that added shift they've been offered because it could throw them off of the food stamps and they don't have enough extra to cover that expense. Things that are supposed to be helpful the bridge the gap while you advance are going to be put as a road block instead. You can't make more money because then you will have less. More in your paycheck, but it will have to stretch further than it did.

The Trump administration is touting the savings, but is it savings if people are going hungry? That seems like a really high cost to me.

But I've made this argument before you see. I'm not saying anything here I haven't said before. We've (using the broad we, not the we as in I agree we) we've decided that being poor is a sin and being really poor is basically criminal. We don't want to look at the hard fixes. We don't want to actually do what works. Did you know the best way to end homelessness is to home people? Not make them qualify for a bed in a facility, or take a drug test, and pass a series of you have tos, but to just put them in a home? There have been studies done and that's really what works. It's called Housing First, google that shit, it's really interesting.

BUT...we don't want to do that because "it's not fair." See we get so wrapped up in thinking that someone is getting something we aren't, or something we paid more for, that we can't get past that. And I get it...but get over it. First of all, it's a better deal for all of us if we make those "unfair" choices. (again, Google it all) It's cheaper in the long run. Less in emergency services, less in policing, less in community cleanups, it's just a better deal. Like significantly better. So get over it. It's a bargain.

We want people to be successful right? Isn't that the end game? So we need to be honest about what it takes to get people there.

Food and shelter is a good start.

Let's stop taking away the baseline from the poorest while we cut taxes on the richest. If you want to discuss what is and isn't fair, that might be a better place to look.

But I've said all of this before and it's just so frustrating to say it all again...