Changes...

Perspective...

In my on this day feed was a post I was tagged in from a friend. His wife was about to make one of her epic Facebook rants that always made me laugh. They were biting and snarky and I loved them. He and I would laugh about the posts.

Until I found out that she wasn't joking.

She wasn't teasing.

He wasn't in on the joke, he was the brunt of it.

They are divorced now and have been for years. He's now married to a woman who makes him happy because she enjoys him for who he is instead of berating him for who he isn't. Sometimes what we think we are seeing isn't what we are seeing at all. Looking back on what she would say I can see it was poison dipped in just enough sugar to try and hide the fact that it was meant to kill.

I made that post two years ago. That post combined with the one from ten years ago where he tagged me in to the upcoming/incoming rant from his then wife still makes me grit my teeth. I'm glad he's in a new relationship now with someone who loves him the way he is. I'm still really sorry that he wasn't originally.

Then it made me start thinking of all of the times we end up in relationships with people who try to make us who they want us to be. Not just love affairs, but friendships as well. Those people who are drawn to you, but more an idea of you than the real you. Of who they think you can become.

It can be done with the best of intentions. I had a friendship in high school with a lovely girl who REALLY wanted me to be more polished. I had all of the good bones of what she thought I could be. I was smart already, (being smart in my high school was actually a plus on the popularity column, we valued intelligence as much as sports ability, and if you were both? Well then..), I was interested in an extracurricular she was and was at the time still a "good" choice, but it shifted the next year and so she dropped it, I never did. But she really wanted to refine me a bit. And I was very rough around the edges, I was probably closer to being all edges, so there was a lot to be done.

I won't say she completely failed. But by September of our sophomore year I was shunned by her targeted group of friends which meant she had to choose. I was not her choice. And I didn't blame her at all. I didn't want what she did (popularity), I didn't want to do the things they all wanted to do, and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin just yet to share who I really was so it was easier to push them all away. 

So I will say her intentions were good. In the fact that she knew what would make her happy. She liked me. She wanted to bring me along with her on that journey. And she tried, lord knows she tried, to make me an acceptable version of myself to fit in with that group.

But it was doomed to failure. Even when I did, eventually, become enough of myself to say the words, "We're poor" or "I can't afford to do that" and not feel like I was saying, "I'm not worthy" I was still not ever going to want to seek out popularity. Joining, you see. It's not for me. And in high school a large part of popularity is filtered through conformity. And I just couldn't do it. Not and stay sane. 

There have been other times in my life where it's been the same. The people who are sure that the choices they are making for you are for your best interests. That if you'd just let them run things you would be a better version of yourself. Maybe you've met them? Overzealous business mentors? Friends who think you should be XYZ thing and here I've signed you up for a class, or bought you these books or I will bring up this job for you another four times since you are clearly not listening to me. And if you could just be a little less like this or like that that would be great. 

I've also watched it happen in friend's lives. The new boyfriend or girlfriend who has definite ideas of who you should be to be the best you. And it's some sort of model they have in their own heads. The type of job you should have, the type of people you should be friends with, the number of times you should go out in a week. Sometimes it's really controlling and the red flags go up and everyone steps in to point them out, but sometimes, sometimes it's a little more subtle. Like my friend up there, whose wife would couch it all as "funny" until she just stopped and got mean.

Pay attention to the signs. Pay attention to people who are helping you along in your journey and those that want to change your path to suit them better. Helpers are great. We all need help in life. Manipulators are not. Demanders are not. Svengali is not the hero.

We all need to be more comfortable being ourselves. I reached that point a long time ago and I won't put up with the folks who try to (as my friend Megan says) should on me. You should do this...you should do that... I am who I am (says Popeye) and though I am always striving to be a better version of me, I never want to end up being someone's idea of me.

Who would ever want that?

So, incase you need to hear it today. You are great. You. The striving, the settled, the best, the worst, all of you. You are great. Don't let someone tell you that you aren't.