Busy Brain...

To keep on pace with my goals for this year and writing I really should have written yesterday. Didn't have to to make it, but it would have been easier. I'm trying not to go two days in a row without sitting down and writing something. Anything. Just words on the screen. That keeps me on the track to write more days than I don't. Technically I could skip three days in a row and then write the next four and I will hit more days than not in a week, but that give absolutely no wiggle room. So I try to make sure I'm sitting down and writing at least every other day.

And yesterday I didn't. 

It's not because I don't have thoughts to write about. It's because I have too many. And I'm tired so it's hard to wrangle them into coherent writing. Which makes them swirl more and add more random pieces as they go. So now I've got a tornado of thoughts swirling in my head and I'm having a devil of a time sorting out just one theme out to write about. 

So instead you get this. A brain dump session. 

Wrote out a few status updates over the past couple of days and then "yesed" the are you sure you want to leave without posting prompt. 

I try (and I know this might shock some of you) but I try really hard not to be disrespectful of other people's religious beliefs. I wrote recently how hard that is to do considering they use them to be disrespectful of me and mine. But I still try. So often when I'm just pissed as fuck and can't take it anymore I write a scathing status update, reread it for spelling errors and then delete it. 

Not because I don't believe in what I've written but because I don't think it will actually do any good. It's just me being an asshole and though I'm actually pretty good at being an asshole, it's not something I generally try to do. You can't asshole someone to your way of looking at life.

Most of you also know I stopped having gun debates after Sandy Hook. That was the point for me where I realized absolutely nothing is going to change. I cannot make people care about gun control if slaughtered babies didn't do it. But it's really hard when we hit another school shooting to not post something. Or to not argue with people who want to talk about mental health being the real issue. We have more guns than people in the United States, but sure, you go on ahead and think we have different mental health issues than the rest of the world and that's why this continues to happen. Or maybe they are right and it is a mental health issue. We have to be challenged to not see that the over abundance of guns is a problem. 

This morning I saw a post about taking a break from the news. Not just for a day or two when something awful happens and you can't take anymore coverage of it, but like an actual break. Cutting it off. And it was basically that you should only interact with things that are in your power to change. Anything else is just going to cause you stress that you can't do anything about. Which seems like such great advice. Except how do you know if there is something out there that you could change or you should be working toward changing if you aren't paying attention? 

I mean, I see a lot of posts from people that drive me up the fucking wall because they say things that are like little sing songy "I'm happy because I don't judge people who are different than I am." or "I love everyone and I don't care what your politics are." Or "You'd all be better off if you just went for a walk and listened to the birds instead of reading the tweets."

OH thank you! That's so fucking helpful! I mean, I'd love to have a dose of the it doesn't matter if people are different kool-aid to hand to the MULTIPLE legislators that are using people like my daughter as scapegoats for all the world's woes. And Oh my goodness how I'd love to love everyone except some of you are just fucking psychopaths who want to arm teachers with guns and take away their books. And that tweet thing, super clever, thank you!* It would be great if all there was to worry about is what the birds were saying instead of the people calling for the downfall of our entire social system. But, hey, at least you are happy. You know what they say? Ignorance is bliss and you are fucking blissful as all get out! No offense...

When my brain is busy and my body is tired it's hard to not lash out at people. It's hard not to post status updates that won't really do any good as far as changing minds. It's hard to keep moving forward with actual productive things instead of picking fights with the multitude of if not outright idiots out there at least myopic bliss filled people. I tend to get a little quieter. Or at least most posts that are sharing of articles or other people's thoughts than my own. A layer of protection. Not for me, for everyone else. 

I am a mean drunk. It's why I don't drink much. Even when I have a drink I have A drink. It's rare for me to ever go past two in a short amount of time. The only time I have three in a day anymore is when we are on vacation and they are spread out over a long amount of time. Or I am only going to be around Brent. Otherwise I just don't do it. Because I know I'm a mean drunk. So it's my responsibility to not get drunk and lash out. 

Being tired is like being drunk but with a lot less control. 

So instead of sharing my thoughts with the world right now, I'm limiting them to you (aren't you lucky?) and to Brent (he took a vow, he has to put up with it) and to my inside my head voice. Which I'm trying to make sure doesn't leak out of my fingers into a status update. 

Like this one:

We all have different family values.

Some people think a Drag Brunch on Sunday fits their family fine. Elaborate costumes, lip syncing to 80s dance hits, some truly corny jokes, and waffles. 

Some people think it's better to go to Sunday School at the church and learn about Lot and his daughters. You know the ones he offered up to be raped. Yeah, the ones who later got him drunk and raped him so they could get pregnant. 

It's all just a matter of difference in what we feel is appropriate for children to be exposed to. 

Are you sure you want to leave this page? If you exit now your post will be deleted.

Yes. Fucking fine. Delete it. Ugh.

*full disclosure, I made up the listen to the birds/read the tweets line and might use it in a short story at some point as well, so of course I think it's clever.