Last year Katie came out to everyone. We had known for almost a year already at that point and I wrote about that time period starting here. But now we are a year into being fully out in the world.
It's been quite a year.
On one hand it's not been a big deal at all. More training our brains to not misgender our child accidentally. And for the most part we don't, but sometimes, to be perfectly honest, we still do. Mostly it happens when we are talking about something that happened when she was growing up. As you are recalling the memory that short cut in your head that stores things easily switches from she to he and you are mortified for a bit.
I also am having a hard time weaning "guys" and "dude" as gender neutral out of my vocabulary. It's just such a part of my speech patterns that I automatically use both. And then I think, "Shit" but I'm trying not to overly call attention to my mistakes because Katie has said that's worse so I just think, "you really need to say y'all" and then (as corny as this is) I practice in my head, Y'all, y'all, y'all. And then "you guys" comes out when I open my mouth and we start all over again.
On the other hand it's been a terrifying year. You all have seen it happening. The steady march of the Christian Nationalists that are trying to completely take over our government and how they've made trans people, trans women in particular, their big bad scary thing they are fighting. I mean, I guess they could try to work on poverty, homelessness, lack of health care, or any of the number of real problems we have facing us right now, but this is easier for them, especially when they can couch their hatred and bullying into "won't somebody think of the children?" And it's not just anti trans bullshit, it's a creep of anti the whole alphabet family. So that's been terrifying. How quickly some states have become "off the list" as we say in our house. We won't be traveling there, we won't be visiting and we for sure won't be retiring there.
I wrote about how when Katie told us, I instantly had a pit of fear opening up in my stomach. It's solidified into a solid black rock that I carry with me everywhere. I worry about her in Bend because Bend is barely purple. A lot of Eastern Oregon Red there. And right now the Red is for red hot hate. That's what is fueling that particular political party and that hate is pointed at my child. So I worry about her.
I know she is aware of the danger. One of the reasons she moved into her new apartment last year was safer sidewalks. She said that walking so near the road worried her because all it would take was a second for one of the trucks with their Trump flags to dart over and hit her. Understand that this is a real fear. Violence against trans women is extraordinarily high. It makes me furious and scared and I am learning to live with that feeling every day. Which pisses me the fuck off.
And in between all of that has been life going on.
Katie is happier than she has ever been. And yes, part of me still kicks myself that I didn't realize she wasn't happy. That I wrote off a lot of her unhappiness to just being quiet. To being a bit more reserved than I am. But now she is coming into herself. She is more relaxed with her own space. She has friends that are supportive of her and that she is supportive of in turn. We tease her that she is running Katie's Home for Wayward Girls, but she has opened her heart and her home to a group of girls that needed someplace to go. The roommates, the coven, also her girlfriend.
I know right? I've not had to share her with another woman before so this has been new. I got to meet her over the holidays, and I made her cry so that went well...
They are looking for a bigger apartment, the one she moved into last year is super cute and cozy and not meant to house 4-5 women all sharing one bathroom. I worry about the search. There are bigger places out there, sure. But will they rent to her? Will they discriminate against her? Will the vacancy they had listed suddenly become full when they come to look at the space?
And that's part of my black rock of fear as well. She was playing life on easy mode before and suddenly jumped to hard. So as a parent I was on cruise control. I had done my job, raised my child, and they were out there handling it. Which still, my child is handling it. Good job, good friends, enjoying life. Just now there is always that drumbeat of fear in the background. I didn't prepare her for any of that. I wasn't prepared for that.
On that first day I wrote about how lovely everyone had been. And for the most part that has stayed true. I dropped two people off my friend list for anti trans bullshit. One hurt a little, only because we had been friends since we were kids and I had a higher opinion of him than he proved worthy of. The second one was also someone I had known for awhile but I hadn't spoken with them for so long that when they sent me their anti trans bullshit note I had forgotten they were even on my Facebook friend list. Which they then weren't anymore. There is a lot of anti trans commentary on public posts and sometimes I read it, but mostly I don't. I can't do anything about the rampant ignorance and, honestly, not your fucking business, that runs through the world. I'd like to, but I can't.
I've also answered a lot of questions from friends about trans issues. About how I handle things. How Katie handles things. A few just general what is being trans questions. And I try to give really honest answers. Sometimes the answer is that's honestly none of your business. But I don't mind people asking questions. I have always felt that if you know something that other people don't it's your responsibility to share that information. I HATE the "it's not my job to educate you" stance. Whose job is it then? Because there is a lot of misinformation out there. There is a lot of just flat out lying that is being done. If those of us who know better don't do our part the bullshit becomes what people think is the truth. So I try to do my part in places where I think it can make a difference.
A year later and she continues down the path of her new life. She's happier than she has ever been. We have a daughter who is happy, and that's what all of us say we want for our children right? We just want them to be happy. And she is.
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