Overheard and Overthought....

"...meanest thing anybody ever said to me." 

That kept replaying in her head as she went about her day. What was it? She hated missing the first part of the conversation. What could be the meanest thing that was ever said to the woman in the coffee shop? She looked so very put together. One of those women you automatically assigned a whole life story to just based on her shoes. 

Or at least she did.

They were great shoes. 

That's the problem with overhearing conversations. You never get all of it and you cannot just ask for more information. Because you were eavesdropping after all. Even if it was unintentional eavesdropping, it was still eavesdropping. But she really wanted to ask. 

What was the meanest thing anybody ever said to the woman with the great shoes? Then she wondered what was the meanest thing anybody ever said to her? 

Was there a meanest thing?

There had to be. Right? There had been a lot of mean things. Not that she had a terrible life, but everyone gets mean things said to them. Especially while you are growing up. Kids say mean things to each other all of the time. And some of those certainly stick. She still didn't wear green since Kathy McCallistar told her it made her look like a stalk of celery. Rotten celery.

Even worse were the mean things adults said to you. Careless as much as mean really. Not remembering the weight that their words carried in young minds. There was the dance instructor that recommended she try her hand at writing. Years later she entertained the idea that it was actually a compliment about her imagination, but at 7 she had assumed it was the instructor's way of implying she couldn't dance. And it could have been either really. She wasn't exactly graceful.

But were those the meanest things?

She remembered some times in high school and in college being devastated by something someone said. Though she was hard pressed to remember what was said. Just that at the time it had seemed devastating. Pints of ice cream and crying dramatically in her dorm room. But those couldn't be the meanest things since she couldn't recall what they were right? Even the things she did remember she couldn't remember why they had been so devastating at the time. 

She tossed the thought around in her head all day. What was the meanest thing? Was there a meanest? Would her meanest and the woman with the great shoes be similar? Whose would be meaner? Surely the woman with the shoes has the meanest thing said to her because it stuck out. 

She was in the grocery store when she remembered. 

It bobbed up out of the place she had buried it so long ago. 

That denial graveyard we all have in our heads. The forgetting place. The ignore it and it will go away section of her thoughts. 

But it was always there. She should have never disturbed that area. 

She could even still hear his voice. 

The casual way he said it as he got up from the table. 

He didn't even realize he was being mean. 

Just tossed off a comment and got up to go to the bathroom.

She could remember how it had made her stomach clench. The blood drain from her face. Her hand grow cold. She hadn't cried. Not right then. It had been too shocking really. 

By the time he returned to the table she had gone. Thrown what she had hoped was enough money at the bartender to cover her tab and fled. She could still remember the feeling of the world starting to close in around her. 

.....

.....

.....

"Ma'am? Do you need help finding something?"

"What? Oh...no. Sorry, just lost in thought for a moment."

The meanest thing anyone ever said to her?

The truth.

The truth was the meanest thing anyone ever said to her. 

Physical Therapy and Psychological Breakthroughs...

I hurt my Achilles tendon when I was in my 20s and it has flared off and on since then. I got treatment back then for it, but basically since then I've treated it myself with rest, ice, elevation. The basics. I finally decided this year (last year actually, part of the #52PickUp) to go in and get it looked at again. 

I also decided to have my toe that I damaged sevenish years ago looked at. The diagnosis at the time was pretty much Whelp can't do anything without surgery and that starts a whole host of other issues so deal. Kind of an over simplification, but that's what it boiled down to. I decided this year that a second opinion might be a good idea. 

So the diagnosis on the toe is, whelp, can't really do anything without surgery and that starts a whole host of other issues so deal. With the added bonus of, and honestly surgery might not actually help at all. So...

But basically there is a lot of damage in there and there is arthritis in there that is not going to get better. So I need to treat it as well as I can until there comes a time that I might have to take more drastic measures. 

So back to the Achilles. My new foot doctor sent me off to PT to see if there is something that could be done coming from that direction. For the past 6 weeks I've been going to PT twice a week and doing my PT exercises at home. 

And I've discovered that the compensating movements I have been doing for my toe throw my Achilles out of alignment. And when I focus on getting my Achilles in alignment I aggravate my toe. And on top of that when I work on the hip exercises that are supposed to pull everything together it tweaks my wonky knees. (Oh yeah, my knees, hips and ankles do not align like they are supposed to because my pelvis developed/spread quickly and the hip joints did not turn the way they should have, or something like that, it's been years since I got that diagnosis, but anyway, my hips are wide but the sockets aren't, that's what it boils down to).

So as I've tried to find the balance between all of the joints I've been frustrated. 

I would like to fix the heel pain but not at the expense of the toe and definitely not at the expense of the knees. I would like the knees to work well but I'd rather not do that at the expense of the heel. And I'd like the toe to feel better but not at the expense of the knees and heel. It's all this big circle of but what works best?

And as I was tweaking my calf raises yesterday and thinking about how I was having issues with them now but I was doing much more weight in the gym in the before times without issues I realized it was because of those tweaks. 

I would turn my foot just a touch which took enough pressure off of the forefoot so my toe didn't get angry. But because it was still an isolating move it worked the calf muscles nicely. (just not the insertion point for the tendon, apparently) And as I worked through all of this I thought, I'd rather have a sore Achilles than a sore toe. The toe is worse when it flares than the heel is. 

And that's what I told my physical therapist today. I'd rather deal with discomfort in one area than pain in another. 

And BOOM! What a moment. How often do we do this with A LOT of things? Not just a wonky ankle/toe connection but life as a whole? I know it hurts when I do X but not as much as when I do Y so I'm gonna do Y all day every day thank you very much. 

And then the follow through from Daniel today. He wasn't willing to just give up. (Partly because it's not him in pain) but wanted to try tweaking a few things and try again. His ideal is that we reach a point where I can have very little foot pain. Maybe not none, the arthritis is gonna arthritis after all, but a point where my ankle and toe aren't battling it out to see which is worse. 

If I do X it hurts but not as much as when I do Y, so I need to figure out how to do Z so it's all good. 

This all makes sense in my head. It really does.

Dealing with things that are bothering you can be really awful. Right now I am in the total dregs of August. That last stretch. Moving toward the anniversary of Mom's death, with the September anniversary of Jack's right on the horizon. It's a rough stretch. I've been just sitting with it this year. I started to try and jolly myself out of it, force a birthday month revival, but that was worse. So I decided to let that go. To sit with my feelings this month. Again. Which feels super self indulgent, but it's only been two years. This is only the second anniversary of her death. It's not actually that bad to still be raw. I mean before Mom died I had gotten to the point where Jack's death is a marking of time, a day of thinking of him a little more than normal, but it's not super painful. We live with his loss, but we don't live with the pain of it anymore. Not really. But when Mom died so close to the date that he died it made all of that churn back up again. 

But I did that the year she died. And again last year. So this year I was not going to. I was going to move right into the living with the loss but not the pain of it. And...

It hurts to face it. But it feels worse to ignore it. 

So instead I'm living with it. With the fact that living with it right now still means living with the pain of it. 

Giving myself a little more grace.

Giving myself a little wiggle room.

It will feel better when it feels better. 

Maybe next year.

And if not, then that's okay too.

We'll get there. Eventually. 

If it hurts to do X but not as much as it hurts to do Y then let's try Z.

Fifty Two I'm Through, Yeah, I'm Through with You! ... How's It Gonna Be, 53?

Just reread last year's birthday blog. I was still really raw from the year before so you can feel it in the blog. But I was hopeful. You can feel that too.

I had a few goals I wanted to reach. I had a few hopes for how the year would unfold. And honestly for the most part this year has met them. For the most part. There is one part that has fallen short and it's really casting a pall over the rest, but I'm still hopeful that it will get better. Just not as hopeful. Now it's that bare knuckled holding on to the last shred of it, growling at anyone who fucking dares to try and pry it away hope, but still hope. 

But let's recap the year and set up intentions for the next, shall we?

I set a few goals for the year in my birthday blog last year. Small ones like losing some weight so my knees would stop aching. Big ones like growing my eyebrows in. And ones that weren't goals but hopes like full menopause. And the main one, making it through.

So how did it go? Well clearly I met the main one. Because here we are. Yay! That was the main goal. It seems a little dramatic but pandemic, death surrounding us, the world falling to shit every few months in new and exciting ways. Making it through was a good solid goal and I made it. 

Losing weight? Yeah. Actually. Almost 20 pounds. Now that was due to finding out that what I was eating was making me miserable so I cut out whole groups of foods and that ended up lowering my calorie intake and the extra weight I was carrying as just inflammation in the joints BUT...it totally counts. And I do feel so much better. Like crazy amounts better. I'm still super frustrated by the fact that I had to do it. It still bums me out to have to let go of most of my favorite foods, but it has made such a difference that it is worth it. 

Growing my eyebrows in. Well...as I suspected there is a line that is just never coming back. I'm never going to have the really thick full brows of my youth. But that's okay. I can afford good eyebrow pencils to fill those spots in. It all balances out. 

As far as menopause goes. I did have one day of spotting in October and then a really light barely there period in February so not at a full year just yet. But my doctor and I both agree that I'm basically there. BOOM! 

And then there is the part of the year that just sucked. I was really hoping that by Fall this year we were going to be looking at the tail end of Covid. That vaccines would be rolling and we would all be coming back out of isolation and joining each other. And it looked like we were ahead of schedule for that. This last Spring was SO hopeful and it really seemed in our grasp to be able to move forward and then...not so much. Fuck. And having that hope get crushed made it worse. The frustration is real. The anger at those that won't do their part is tangible. The grief is still raw. That part sucked. Sucks.

So what do I want for 53?

I want it to get better.
I want the world to open back up. 
I want people to stop being so fucking selfish.
Which I get is totally ironic in a list of "I wants"

The coming year is going to be a big one for changes in my life and the way I relate to the outside world. I know it already. I know some of the things that are coming. I have hopes for some others. But I know that it's going to be a big year. And I know that there will be other things I have no idea are coming that will rock my world in good and bad ways. 

Right now I'm holding on to the hope that the world won't shut down and we will be able to have a fun family trip to Disneyland next month. It was one of those Spring optimism plans that has slowly but surely been overtaken by Fall dread. 

We are looking at houses again. This time looking for a one story place. Even with changing my diet and easing the pain I was in I still have arthritis and that's not going to go away. Better to move now while we have some flexibility than get stuck in a few years with an emergency move. 

There are other things big and small that will mark the year. There always are. 

But for now I'm facing the next year with my head up, my heart open, my hope clutched in one hand and knife to cut a bitch if she tries to take it away in the other... Hope, love, joy. Let's do this shit!

And the hashtag this year...

#Joyfully53

It's the best reminder. 

Addendum To Yesterday...Now with 50% More Crank!

AND ANOTHER THING....

That's what I want to shout today.

First off never ever ever let someone tell you that the Universe doesn't have a wicked fucking sense of humor. Not more than 10 minutes after I posted yesterday's blog I got a text from Brent letting me know we had a Covid exposure situation. 

He had to go to work in the office yesterday. At the end of the work day someone he worked with all day got pinged that they had been exposed to someone else who tested positive for Covid. So now we are isolating until we find out if the middle point has Covid or if we are all in the clear. 

I'm hopeful. I mean they are all vaccinated. They wore masks most of the day. When the masks were off while they ate they were still socially distanced. So hopefully (first hope) the person doesn't have Covid at all so no worries. Second hope, if they have it, enough of the safety steps were taken to prevent anyone else from getting it. But we don't know right now so we are in a waiting pattern. Not going out and potentially infecting others BECAUSE WE DO THE WORK ON THE GROUP PROJECT!

But my main point of this blog is the bullshit.

I have a few areas of bullshit that are really bugging me. 

There is the personal, of course, those that want to talk about how awful all of this is...for them. You know it's just so bad to have to wear a mask, or get a shot, or stand a few feet away from people. It's just so haaarrrd. Meanwhile there are those of us who have actually lost family members and would like other people to not have to go through that. There are those who have gotten seriously ill and are dealing with long term health issues from that. There are those who have family or friends who have gotten seriously ill. Or lost income because of illness or shut down.

And that last one brings me to the second area of BULLSHIT.

Do you remember all of those people who were so concerned with the mental health struggles of people during lockdown? How hard it was on a segment of our population to be so isolated? They were so concerned for them. So upset over the potential increase in mental health issues including suicide. See they weren't just worried about Covid deaths like all of us selfish people, they were worried about suicide as well. 

Okay.

So when the vaccine came out and the chance at everyone who could get vaccinated getting vaccinated and then wearing masks and keeping distance while that took effect was an option they all rushed right out to do it right? I mean, we could open everything back up and save all of those isolated souls just by wearing a mask and getting vaccinated and they...

Didn't do it. 

Because it was never about the people suffering during isolation. If you cannot be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your nose and mouth so people can come out of their houses you never cared if they were stuck in their houses. You used their very real depression to try and shame everyone else into doing what you wanted.

Assholes.

I cannot stand when people find concern for mental health issues when it's convenient and then drop it as soon as it isn't. Mental health and military folks. Those are the two groups that get the most coverage to make a point with the least help when it's not needed anymore.

We don't have a gun issue, we have a mental health issue. Fine, let's make sure everyone who wants a gun has to pass a mental health screening to buy and has to be rescreened yearly. What? Crickets? We don't have a housing cost issue we have a mental health issue. Okay...then let's find them treatment. Housed treatment. What? Crickets? We can't shut down and isolate because people are getting depressed and killing themselves. Okay, let's all get vaccinated and wear masks in crowds so we can open everything up again. What? Crickets?

It's such bullshit. 

And it's awful bullshit. Like terrible people bullshit.

You want to talk about people being stuck inside and how awful that is for them, but you can't be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your face.

You want to talk about how awful it is for the economy, but you can't be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your face.

You want to talk about how it's so much better for kids to be in school but you don't want to make sure the whole community around them is vaccinated and those in contact with them all day wear masks. 

You want to tell me and those like me who have suffered actual loss that it's not real. That it's not as bad as they say. That it's just...blah blah blah... government control...blah blah blah...personal freedom... you can't make me, nyah!

You are selfish and you are using people with real issues to try and make yourself seem less so. 

And that's just bullshit. 

SO MUCH BULLSHIT!

Stop it. Stop pretending that you care about people who were suffering during isolation. Stop acting like you are some sort of good guy when you can't muster up enough concern for your fellow citizens to protect them. Not from imaginary boogeymen, but from an actual real virus. You could still be the hero of your own goddam story and it's as simple as getting a vaccine and wearing a mask when asked. 

If you can't be bothered to do that then at least shut the fuck up and stop spouting your bullshit. 

Ann's still dead. She died from complications related to Covid 19. Because it's a killer.

So stop it. Stop trying to pretend that wearing a mask is the real hardship. It isn't. 

That's just bullshit. 

Still Cranky...

A friend described what we are all going through right now as "the worst group project ever." Oh my gosh! That's it! Perfect description. 

I always HATED group projects in school. Relying on someone else for my grade? Someone else who might or might not put in the work I was going to? Though, let's face it, we all know where we fall in the group project spectrum. 

There are those that do all the things. Read what needs to be read, work on the paper, prepare the presentation, whatever needs done it's done.

There are those that will pitch in on parts. Maybe do some reading. Maybe proofread the paper. Maybe add a cool graphic to the presentation. 

There are those who will SWEAR they are doing a section and never get it to you to add to the final presentation so you end up doing their section for them in the middle of the night the day before it's due. 

And there are those who don't do anything and just coast on the grade the rest of you got. 

I hated group projects.

But the worst type of group project? The one where group participation was part of the grade. Where the instructor weighed in on how much each person contributed, and each person had to be fairly equal or your grade suffered. 

Right now we are in that last group project section. We all had to do our parts or the whole project suffered. And to make it worse we have people in the "do fuck all" section who have the unmitigated gall to bitch about the results.

They want everything reopened but they don't want to take the precautions needed to do it safely.

YOU do all the work. YOU get vaccinated and they go to the bar with a large group of other people who refuse to work on the group project and spread their germs around and make a new variant that can screw you as well, EVEN after you spent the past year and a half doing all the things you were supposed to do. AND THEN have the fucking GALL to say that all of that didn't work so why do any of it?

IT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO IT! It was a fucking group project that you just made us fail.

Free. Easily accessible. At the beginning of the summer they should have done their section and gotten vaccinated. Then maybe there wouldn't have been enough people for the Delta variant to grab ahold of for it to be a worry. Now we're back to wearing masks and they won't even do that without bitching. 

Why should I wear a mask if you are vaccinated? You shouldn't worry about it. 

I'm not worried I'm going to get really sick, because I'm vaccinated. I don't wear a mask to keep myself from getting sick, I wear one just incase I'm sick and don't realize it. I wear it to keep from spreading it to someone who isn't vaccinated. Because littles can't get vaccinated just yet, and contrary to what the Covidiots keep shouting, they can get really sick. It does happen. They can die from it just like anyone else. It might not be as common for them to get as sick, but I'm not really willing to throw the dice on that statistic. I also wear it to prevent someone who cannot get the vaccine from getting sick. There are those out there who cannot get vaccinated who are in fragile enough health that it would be bad. Like Covid causes their death bad. Again, I'm not willing to roll the dice on someone else's life like that.

BUT...if I could guarantee that the only people it spread to were those that still fucking refused to to do the work on the group project? Well...

And yeah, I get it, that's so harsh! How awful! How mean! And honestly... Oh fuck that....they refuse to get a free and easily accessible vaccine, they refuse to wear a mask, some of them are actively campaigning against others wearing masks and getting vaccinated so yeah...fuck them. They aren't doing the work, they are causing damage. I am out of sympathy.

Out.

It's hurt my heart since Ann died to see people deny that Covid was an issue. It's wounded me to see people I know refuse to do what needs to be done to protect all of us. It's been a really sad eye opener to see how many of my fellow Americans seem to think that a piece of cloth over their face is some sort of freedom blocker. To see people praise Rand Fucking Paul as some sort of anti-covid hero when he was spreading germs and misinformation at an accelerated clip while his wife invested in drugs to fight Covid. Oh but she lost money... not for lack of trying, it was because the shit she bought didn't work. They should have invested in a mask factory. 

Assholes...

So yeah.

I'm cranky about the world's worst group project and the fact that I can't kick some of you out of my group so I can just get the passing grade and move the fuck on... I was so not planning on taking this fucking class all over again. 

Thanks...

Checking In...

Thought I'd give an August update.

So far I've posted the I CAN DO IT! RAH! RAH! August blog. The one where I was going to push through and make August lovely through sheer force of will. 

Then there was the FINE, FUCK YOU TOO! August blog. The one where I realized that I am not ready to push through and make August lovely just yet. 

So this is the one week later where are we now August blog?

Well, here's a hint...

This morning Brent came upstairs as I was getting ready to go out and run a couple of errands and said, "Either the soap or shampoo you are using right now the scent really carries and I can tell when you are in the shower."

I said, "It the lemon scented soap I have that I use in August because I feel like citrus is a happy fragrance and August should be happy." 

Brent, raised his eyebrows and said, "And how is that working for you?" dripping with incredulity. 

"About how every fucking thing is working right now. OR maybe it's working really well and we would hate to see how I would be if I wasn't using happy fucking soap?"

So...

Yeah.

August still just sucks.

Is there a word for when you aren't depressed but just low level mad at everything? Pissedesion? Crankypantsitis? Backthefuckupy? I think that's it. I'm feeling very backthefuckupy. Just not a lot of patience for any extra bullshit and the world is so filled with extra bullshit. 

I'm holding it all together and just waiting for August to be over so I can get on with the whole Wake Me Up When September Ends vibe and be raring to go for October! Though I do have something cool happening at the end of September, as long as all of the Covidiots don't ruin that for me. Which could very well happen. Ugh...

And I know it's not just me. I know a lot of people are just at the end of their ropes right now. Which makes it really difficult because we are all walking around on our last nerve trying not to blow up at stupid things but THERE ARE SO MANY STUPID THINGS. 

So I'm doing a lot of typing and deleting on posts. A lot of watching TV shows on my phone instead of scrolling Facebook in general. A lot of walking away from things when I can feel the blow up coming. Because I know that I'm mad at a lot of things, but very few of those things are things that can be changed by me being mad. It's just a weather the storm, or the heat wave, situation. And it will pass. I just need to make sure I don't damage anyone while I'm waiting. 

Tropical Backthefuckupy Denise warning in effect!

Grrr....

I'M TRYING!!

 As I tried to fall asleep a few nights ago I sighed and thought, "Okay. You win. August just sucks." I've tried to hold on to it being the BEST month because it's the month I was born, but honestly...I give.

The birthstone is ugly. I've never liked it.

It's hot and hot at a time when you are tired of the heat.

If you live on the West Coast it's peak fire season.

It's time to go back to school when it seems like it was just 4th of July picnics.

People are busy and hot and breathing bad air and sick of it all and so they are snippy with each other. 

It's just the worst month.

People have been telling me all of my life that it is and I have steadfastly countered with I was born in August so I love it. So there. 

And now...I just give. August sucks.

This year was the year I was going to counter with an extra push through. Fake it until you make it. I was going to get that August happy feeling back. 

But I'm not ready I guess.

Or not able. 

Or August just sucks.

Covid cases are rising again. We had the flash of light at the end of the tunnel and all got excited in the Spring when vaccines became available and then found out that that light was actually the Delta variant coming for those "Live free or die, no seriously, die and I'm taking a lot of you with me" folks. So cases are back up. And the human petri dishes help create new and exciting variants. You thought Delta and Lambda were bad? Just wait until Upsilon and Omega make it here... Anyway...that feeling of things being all better is being replaced with the feeling that maybe we were hasty in getting tickets to Disney for next month. 

August just sucks.

This year with the personal added bonus of a backed up drain line in the attic AC causing water to leak into the walls and give us panicked moments of seeing an entire house plumbing job coming but ending up with just a patch and repair job needed. BUT at a time when it's hard to find people for patch and repair jobs AND when we are getting ready to sell the house. BUT really much better than it could have been. AND yet worse than it was. BECAUSE...

August just sucks. 

August is the month that Halloween starts to creep in. When people start dreaming of warm sweaters and cozy Fall nights. When pumpkin spice lattes start invading store displays. Pushing past the last dregs of summer and dreaming of a wonderful Fall because...

August just sucks. 

And I know, I KNOW, it's temporary. It will get better again. It will be okay at some point. I just think I have to give in and admit that this year is not going to be the year. Maybe without the self pressure it will get better. Maybe. Or maybe not because...

August just sucks.

August...

 Quick July recap...

I didn't write as much as I had planned to. I'm having a hard time finding my groove there. But I did write 10 times and a couple of fiction pieces so it wasn't nothing. 

I started the reread of Sandman like I had planned and that along with my normal books puts me 2 books ahead for the year, so whew! Finally out of the hole there. 

Weight was pretty much stable. Which is good since it was an odd month for workouts. With the PT I'm getting I actually went lighter on my normal workout schedule a few days to make sure I had enough juice in me for the extra conditioning on my legs. Unlearning old movement patterns is mentally exhausting as well as physically. 

So on to August...

It's birthday month. 

For those of you who might be new birthday month is Cake and Compliments Month! Eat the cake! Give the compliment!

I'm going to share old stuff here now, I know most of you have heard all of this before but isn't that part of birthdays? Being nostalgic and sharing old stories? Well if it's not, it should be!

I celebrate all month of August for my birthday. It seems a bit excessive when you first hear it. And maybe it is...but it's not like I expect you to shower me with attention and gifts. Or at least not any more than usual.

It stemmed from not getting a birthday celebration to myself when I was growing up. I often repost a picture from my third birthday on my birthday. It's me in my grandparent's house in Iowa, I'm standing next to a cake. The reason it gets posted so often is because that's it. I am the youngest child in my nuclear family and the youngest child in a large extended family. There were four of us born in August so my birthday was our birthday. One family celebration for Aunt Lucille, Todd, me and John. We ate a meal of creamed tacos (Aunt Lucille's favorite) with German Chocolate Cake for dessert (John's favorite). Now those things are some of my favorites as well, but that's not why we had them. In a way I had it better than Todd, because I don't think he cared for either of those things, but in another way I had it worse because Uncle Denny and Aunt Carol still had a birthday celebration for Todd on his actual birthday. For me? That group celebration was it. 

It was so "it" that on my 16th birthday my family forgot to even wish me a happy birthday on the day. Not a word. It also happened to be the first day of Junior year. Matt (who shared my birthday) and I decided this was just not okay and cut most of our classes that day and went to the mall. It actually ended up being a really fun birthday. I'm sure there had to be some blow back the next day in school when we did show up for our "first" day of class, but I don't remember that part at all. We also celebrated our 18th birthday together. When he found out I was working that day and not doing anything he insisted that I come over to his place and celebrate with him at the big party that his boyfriend had planned. 

For my 19th birthday I had a party that was just for me. Brent threw me a party with friends of mine from work and friends of his from base and then like most parties at that age everyone brought people as well. Which meant I knew some of the people and didn't know some of the people. One of the guys there guessed that I was turning 30...well okay then. 

That was the last of the parties. Not because of the age guess, though that would be funny, but because I didn't really care for it. I'm not a big party person anyway, and since I hadn't ever had big birthday parties it wasn't something I felt like I needed. For a few years Brent and I made a little to do out of it. My Magic birthday (20 on the 20th) he got me a lovely ring and roses and we went to fancy dinner. Well, fancy for Idaho Falls. 

For my 21st birthday we went to dinner and then three other stops to buy booze so I could get carded. It took me putting my hair in pig tails and trying to look nervous for that to actually happen. See the guess that I was turning 30 on my 19th birthday to explain that...

But basically birthdays have never been that big of a deal. So it started as a joke. IT'S BIRTHDAY MONTH! Tell me I look young and thin! Then it morphed into Cake and Compliments month. But not for me. For everyone. I want everyone to have cake and get and give compliments. 

And cake is really loosely defined. It's whatever treat you like. Cake, pie, chips, super fresh fruit. What ever treat makes you happy. That's cake. It's all cake. 

And so we did a few years, quite a few years, with that. 

But...

Two years ago Mom decided she was too tired to keep going. She let us all know she was just tired and done. And then we waited for her body to catch up with her decision. August was a long few weeks waiting for the call that she had passed. 

Last year Matt died in May. So it was the first August without Mom and with the memory of the year before still really raw. And the first year on this earth without Matt to share a birthday. 

Cake and compliments month has lost its shine, is what I'm saying. 

I used to really look forward to the first of August but last week I was dreading it. I'm not yet to the point where it doesn't still feel really raw and painful. I'm not sure when it will feel joyous again naturally.

Naturally.

That's the part we are going to work against this year.

I decided that I'm celebrating Cake and Compliments Month this year full out. I really couldn't manage it last year. More tears than joy. But I'm going to try my best to do it this year. To find the pieces that are really good. I know it won't be easy, and I know there will be days where I will just be in my feels all day (today is going to be one, I think) but I'm also going to find the bright spots and the joyous parts. And if I can get it back, that's great, and if not, then we will retire C&C and be glad that it had a good run.

So on to August. 

Cake and Compliments Month... I will have the gluten free cake. I will give the compliments freely. I will look for the joy.

Writing...I will try my best to write more days than not. 

Reading...I will finish The Sandman series as well as few other books and try to keep the advantage I finally gained in July.

Working out...Really strong effort for PT

Daily Gratitude/Picture of the Day...GUYS! The first "gift" of birthday month is that Fat Mum Slim (Chantelle, the woman who makes the prompts I usually use) has made August Gratitude month. Every day a picture of something we are grateful for. How fucking perfect is this for me and for C&C month? Honestly, I'm assuming she did it just for me. 

And remember, the biggest rule of C&C Month....

We all play. You eat the cake. You give the compliments. We do this together to make the world a better place. What could be a better birthday gift?