February Now One Day Shorter...

I told Brent this morning that we are going to miss seeing our last day in Disney World Memories on the On This Day Feed because they happened on the 29th. No 29th this year, no flash back memories. Which, in a way, is good I guess. We can use less of this Covid-times time. One day closer to the end of lockdowns and quarantines and no vaccines right? That's how this works isn't it?

Sort of...

So how did my now smaller sized February go as far as my pretend goals? Or real goals that I make up. How does that go? Real Pretend Goals? Pretend Real Goals? Whatever...

It was actually a fairly decent month as far as hitting numbers goes. 

This will be the 13th blog which is the exact number I needed to average each month to hit my overarching goal for the year so that's nice. 

Reading is a funny one. I read more this month and ended up 4 books behind to the 3 behind I was last month...what? Still fine. I'll catch up at some point with a stretch of quick reads. But I do have a few non-fiction ones that I've been catching up on that are slower paced. Just the nature of non-fiction over fiction. 

I did the 20 Daily Calm sessions. Still just not enjoying them. Not sure they are doing me much good either. It's interesting they seem to be geared toward people who suffer from anxiety. Which makes sense, right? People who are stressed out and anxious are the ones that would be most inclined to looking for ways to help with that. For me? I'm just looking for help with a busy brain. Not an anxious one. But I'm just not sure I will ever get there. And I'm starting to think maybe it's not even a destination I should be aiming for. But I'll give it another try before I decide for sure. 

POD and Daily Gratitude were all checked off (or will be at the end of the day). Like I said that one for me starts a rhythm and it's hard to just stop so I really am feeling like I've committed myself to a year. We will see. Definitely hard to do when we are at home all the time. But the cats are always up for a photo so that's a help. 

The flexibility was a good start. Just a reminder to add it back into my workouts helped start loosening things up. Next month (spoiler alert) I'll actually take some measurements and have an actual goal there. 

Actually did the elimination diet that I talked about. And it has made a difference. I think it's part of what helped with flexibility as well. Less pain makes it less difficult to stretch out. The ten days wasn't as hard as I thought. Had a set back with nightshades that was unexpected to me but not to anyone else. I'm not sure why Michael Symon didn't include them in his eliminated foods as they seem to be a trigger for a lot of people. But anyway...the ten days wasn't horrible. I did feel better at the end. Less pain for sure. Less stiffness.

I've been using my pointer finger on my left hand as my main gauge. Though my knees and my feet follow along with it. But when I started I couldn't bend that finger first thing in the morning. It was that stiff and swollen. And it hurt. It hurt all day, even when I worked the stiffness out of it by mid morning the pain was there all day. So as I've added things in that has been my guide. How does my finger feel in the morning? And because it hasn't been a smooth everything is perfect transition back all I've added so far is meat and the first day of dairy. I do two days of an added item, then a day off going back to the base diet, then add again. Chicken, pork and beef and one day of dairy is all I've managed. Chicken I had a slight reaction to. A little swelling and a little pain. Nothing catastrophic for sure, but I was still surprised when it happened. I mean, chicken? Really?  Pork was totally fine. The first day of beef was fine the second caused what I'm describing as a warning. I was slightly puffy the next day, and there was like an echo of pain. If that makes sense. It didn't really hurt but it was on the verge of hurting.

So meat is going to be a not two days in a row thing for chicken and beef. But pork is fine. Which is fine, I want to look at a way of keeping the calories lower and the vegetables higher anyway. Because I've lost 8 pounds so far and though I know I'll probably put a few back on in the short term I'd like to keep this trend going and lose the rest of the weight I want to for the year. And eating no meat, dairy, flour, or extra sugar and not drinking alcohol has definitely pushed that along. BUT...I really am not happy eating this way. Or not eating this way. So I need to find a good balance. 

But I'm still adding things back in so I don't really know what the end product is going to look like. Tomorrow I'll get the final read out on dairy and take a "clean" day. Then I'll add flour for two days. Then a clean day. Then the slow roll out of the nightshade brigade to see if maybe it was just one or two that caused the issue. 

So what am I looking at for March?

Well finishing the elimination test that's clear. And more of a challenge than you would think. As I mentioned, I really don't like eating this way. I love food. It's part of my enjoyment in life. And now that I feel better I have the voice in my head telling me that it wasn't REALLY all that bad...but it was and I need to finish strong so I don't have to start all over again. 

Flexibility I'm going to try for an increase in my reach of 1/4". I honestly have no idea if that's a soft or strong goal but it seemed like a good idea when it popped into my head so that's what I'm going for. I'll do baseline measurements tomorrow and go from those. Seated stretches, knee twist to the ground and reaching for my toes. 

Reading. I'll just keep plugging along. It's a yearly goal so I'm not sweating it yet.

POD and Daily Gratitude, like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in it for the year but I am not holding myself to that firmly. But for now, March is on. 

Daily Calm. Hmmm....I'm going to give it one more month but I think three times a week this time. So 15 times in March seems good. 

Writing. I mentioned this earlier this week. I'm going to do a fiction push. Forced March Fiction Month! (still makes me laugh) and I've settled on 12 pieces as the goal. I am still looking for prompts and found a website yesterday that does mini-contests with their prompts so I might even knock off one of my submission goals for the year as well. Wouldn't that be nice? Now if I do submit to them that means it counts toward my fiction goal, but you might not see it on the blog until later after they reject me. You'll just have to trust me that I reached the goal even if you've only seen 10 pieces by the end of the month. 

The schedule kind of went out the window in February and March it will be a little wonky as well. I'll be honest when all of my will power is going toward what I'm eating there isn't a lot left for rigid planning and I'll have a week where I'm adding in an extra out of the house block of time later in the month and I want flexibility there. So...I'll try that scheduled again in April and see what I feel I need as far as focused time. So far things are still moving along, but just at different times. 

So there's February in the books and March laid out. 

Three more months until Brent and I are eligible for the vaccine and hopefully everything shifts again. Though only slightly on the hopefully part. As much as it's been a hassle at times, it's also been a lot easier to plan and schedule things like cooking at home with Brent's commute being 3 minutes instead of "who knows? let's guess. don't burn dinner!"

Good luck to us all. 

And keep wearing those masks!

Not Behind But...

I'm not behind, yet, but I'm not making any progress yet either so...

I think I am going to do a Forced March Fiction Month starting next week.

Get it? Because I call it a force choke of words when I'm trying to blow out the dust and next month is March so...Forced MARCH?? Oh my goodness...this is the good stuff you have to look forward to! I am so freaking funny!

Anyway...

So what does that mean? 

It means that I am going to find like 10-15 prompts and write. I need to get those juices flowing again. Writing fiction takes a different mindset and I have gotten away from it. It needs time spent in my head chasing conversations and ideas and honestly the past year I haven't had the space for that. Or the inclination. One of those. But I want to encourage that to start up again. I want to start the flow of words. 

So forcing them works for me. 

It might not make great reading for you, but sometimes it does. Or at least you all lie sweetly to me and tell me that it does. 

So what kind of stories are you craving? Keeping in mind that it will be me writing them so your idea might end up a fun house mirror version of what you were originally thinking...

Do you have any words you really like that you don't think are getting enough use? Like I love the word fruition. If someone uses it organically in a sentence I assume we are going to end up best friends. 

Do you have any characters that I've written about that you wonder about now? I can't promise they will come play again, but maybe? 

Yes, all of that really looks like I'm making you do half the work for me but you know what they say...half shared is half done. So basically I'm already farther ahead than I would have been. I mean I will be when you get your shit together and do your part...

Just kidding...

Sort of.

I mean, I will take whatever help you can offer and I will do some internet searches for good prompts as well and hopefully I'll be ready to go by Monday. The first step of a Forced March Fiction Month! #fmfm

Yeah, Well, That's Just Like Your Opinion...

Is there a phrase doing more heavy lifting right now than "It's just a difference of opinion."

Over the years it's taken on more and more work. It used to be used for things like art. Subjective things. I am not a big fan of Jackson Pollock's work, but I have friends who are. We have a difference of opinion. It's not a big deal. It's not even something to argue over. Clearly they are wrong, but it's just a difference of opinion. I'm obviously joking here. I am in the minority with not liking his work. They are the ones who could be considered more right. If one of us needed to be right. But since it's just an opinion on art and personal taste we don't need to be. It's just a difference of opinion.

Subjective things.

I saw a friend's boyfriend tell her that she would never have short hair again. Because he didn't like it. Clearly she and I have a difference in opinion on what a boyfriend should say about her hair, on her head, which should be her choice. But she wasn't offended so I didn't say anything. I mean, I had to walk away so I didn't, but it still counts. It's a difference of opinion. His being different than mine. I think she looked adorable with short hair but the main thing being the length of her hair is nobody's choice but hers. And hers being different than mine. My response when someone tells me they like long hair better is to let them know they are free to grow theirs out. It's just a difference of opinion.

But now it's happening with objective things. 

You see it in response to science. It's just a difference of opinion. No. Not really. It's a disregarding of scientific facts. Maybe the opinion is that you don't think facts matter and someone else does, but it's not a difference of opinion. When it's objective, when you can see the work, when you have the studies, it's not an opinion.

I had someone a few weeks ago try to shame me by saying that I was being condescending in assuming that someone wasn't as informed as I was on a subject, and that the real truth was we were just having a difference of opinion. Another one I walked away from. I mean, she already thought I was being condescending, my response starting with Oh, sweetie...would not have helped change THAT opinion at all. But the facts of the argument, the quotes I would have pulled, those weren't opinions. Those were facts. Disregarding facts doesn't make it a difference of opinion. And to be perfectly fair, I didn't assume the person I was arguing with was any less informed than I was. I assumed they were disregarding the facts because they liked their opinions better. 

You see it in political arguments. It's just a difference of opinion. When you are talking about things that aren't opinions. The January 6th Insurrection was not a group of undercover Antifa secret agents posing as Trump loyalists. You know how we know? Because the plotted and planned in the open on social media then filmed themselves and posted those clips. They told you who they were, they told you why they were there. Trump tweeted about it multiple times before it happened. It's not a difference of opinion. It's a disregarding of facts. 

When Limbaugh died I had someone tell me that they couldn't believe I hated him just because he had a different opinion that I did. He cheered when gay men died from AIDS. He said if a woman has her birth control pills covered by government health insurance they owed a sex tape to every tax payer. He coined the term feminazi after saying that feminism was for unattractive women to have access to the mainstream. And it goes on and on. He spread conspiracy theories. He was vile. I guess maybe we had a difference of opinion. But "just" a difference of opinion doesn't really seem to cover it does it? 

I mean, what sort of sense does it make that we are all supposed to just wave our hands and wish away everything as "That's just a difference of opinion." 

That's a lot of heavy lifting. 

I'm not willing to help carry that load. 

Some things aren't just a difference of opinion. 
Some things are a disregarding of facts.
Some things might be opinions but they aren't "just" benign opinions. They are awful and we shouldn't treat them as just one more different opinion to give weight to.

But, you know, that's just like my opinion, man....

It's Politics Again...

I honestly thought I'd be off of talking politics for at least a few months...but I guess not. 

I think it's because I'm at another crossroads in my political beliefs. You would think by now I'd be firmly where I stand, but I think maybe I've never been on firm enough ground for that to be true. I'm a true progressive. Always moving. 

Christopher and I had a discussion last weekend about politics and as always happens during those discussions I end up re-examining things I thought I really KNEW. And sometimes I come back with yes, I know this, and sometimes I don't. 

He's much further left than I am. At least in theory. And I think it's more that he's just really comfortable with the vocabulary around being further left that I am. When you break down the ideas and ideals there isn't much space between us. But he was raised by a progressive liberal and a left of center liberal and I was raised by the Religious Right, so he's got a bit of a head start on me as to what is explored as an okay idea. 

And he is willing and able to call me out when I say something that is standard dogma that isn't actually true. Like the far left and the far right are similar. No, not really. They both believe in less to no government but the end reasons are different. The far right wants no government so they aren't restricted in what they take, how they profit, what they can have. The far left wants no government because they think the government restricts them in how they are and acts as an arm of the rich. They both don't want rules, but they don't want rules because they don't want rulers (Left) or don't want regulations (Right). That's simplified, but it was interesting to think about. 

I also said that I understood a lot of the libertarian ideas as a whole but felt like the Republican party mindset had taken it over. He made me think about that as well. I often joke that the libertarian party motto could now be "fuck you, I've got mine" and his point is that that is not a recent thing, it's always been that way. And again, it's all about mindset. Why do you think what you think?

Like I don't like borders. I feel like that's a libertarian mindset. But he made me look at the reasoning behind it. Libertarians don't like borders because there could be greener grass to graze on over there and how dare the government tell them they can't go get it. I don't like borders because why should someone born on one side of an imaginary line have freedom of opportunity and someone on the other side abject poverty? What you believe in religion, politics, fiscal systems, most of that is an accident of birth. What lines were drawn around the space you were? It's as simple as that but we make it seem like we've all chosen to believe these things instead of it was just what everyone around you believed. I am not a fan. 

I'm also not a fan of borders because of the theory of enough. 

That's what I call my whole basis for living. 

What is enough?

When do you have enough?

I believe there is enough in the world but because we've made these divisions we don't distribute it well. We in the United States have decided that hoarding is a thing to aspire to instead of something to despise. That's what billionaires are doing. Hoarding. And if you talk to a lot of people they aspire to it. To having more than they could ever use because they can. That's not virtue, that's vice. That's not something to aspire to, that's something to shun. 

And we can't get past it here because we've built our entire system of life around getting more and more and treating those who have more as better than. But are they? I mean, can they even be? 

It's a moral thing. It is pretty much impossible to be a billionaire without having exploited someone or multiple someones to get there. And we (we in the US) are really uncomfortable saying that and looking at that. Jeff Bezos has billions. His warehouse workers are suing because they haven't been kept safe from Covid while working (along with a lot of other things he's done to work the hell out of them for as little pay as he could get away with). And it's not just him, look at the percentage difference in the pay of a CEO of a company vs. the average worker of that company. What is enough? Do you really need to be paid that much? And if you are paid that much why are you keeping it? Why are you investing it to grow into more, or depositing it offshore? Or buying multiple houses? Why aren't you spending it to help people who don't have anything? 

How much is enough?

Oh it's their money they should be able to decide how they want to spend it! That's the push back you get. And If the market decides that's what they are worth then that's what they are worth. But what does that even mean? Why does the market think that the pay for heads of companies needed to increase by that much in the past 50 years? Could it be that the market was manipulated by those people at the top so they would make more? I mean...

How much is enough? 

Why do we think hoarding is good thing when it comes to money?

Why don't we villainize those who have golden toilets while people are starving? 

I've been an independent for a long time. I've always made the joke that I was too left to be a Republican and too fond of getting shit done to be a Democrat. But now I think I'm just not any of it. I am clearly not a Republican. Especially now that they've gone full Trumplican. The theory of enough for them is that it's never enough, especially if someone who isn't white, cis, heteronormative, middle America dwelling has more. I'm not really a Democrat, though I would guess I will still be voting that way, at least for awhile. 

Because we have two parties that have a shot of holding office. And I believe that if the Republicans get in a majority branch holding position again we are done. They are already working as hard as they can to get voting restrictions passed everywhere they hold majorities in State offices. They really don't want representative government. Because they can never have enough. They want to hoard. Hoard the power. And they don't have the votes to do that anymore. So they need to make it harder for people to take it away from them. Draw some more lines Make some more barriers. Keep others out. So they can always have more. 

Because they aren't satisfied ever with having just enough. 

So I will stick with voting for the Dems, but I am farther and farther away from the left of center position all of the time. I am further and further left. I am a progressive. And we need to progress. 

We have enough in this world to take care of everyone. And not doing it isn't a political stance, it's a moral one. Where do you fall on that line?

Enough? 

Eliminate Update...

So the ten day elimination cycle is over. Phew! Already learned a small piece of what is causing issues. Nightshades. Just don't know if it's all of them, someone of them, volume of them, I know none of that so that will be a stretch of trying to figure out as well. Just another week of adding in at the end of the original plan. 

But for now I'm at the end of the full elimination; so what happened?

I'm not completely pain free. That did not happen, which is a bummer. But I do have significantly less pain so that's good. So I'm better but not all better. But honestly, better at all is good. Right now it's just my old standby areas of pain. The toe I wrecked quite a few years ago, my Achilles tendon that has been an issue since my twenties and the added new one, my left pointer finger. But the finger is tender now, where as before the elimination I couldn't bend it in the morning at all. So a little pain is a step up. Age is fun...

I lost 6.2 pounds in ten days. Right? Now, I know that's not real weight loss, it's due to the really low calories while I was eating a smaller handful of foods. And I know I'm eating too few calories right now. I can feel it in my energy levels and my workout performance. But I will hopefully be able to keep the calories in check as I add foods back in and not add the weight all back on. 

And then the real challenge right now for me is the adding things back in part. For the past ten days I've been following (with modifications) Michael Symon's book and plan. He had meals lined out and options for dinners and lunches and breakfasts. He also has sections of recipes for when you find out if something triggers you. Like dairy free recipes, meatless main courses, flour free, sugar free, all of that sort of thing but what he didn't have, and I didn't notice, was a plan for adding back in.

Or I guess I should say, he has a plan, add things in one at a time over two days. Which when I first read that I thought there was no way that would be enough time and thought I'd probably add a new thing a week. But then the nightshades incident happened and I realized, oh, well, this doesn't take long at all to realize it doesn't agree with you! So I'm following his recommendation of a new thing over two days. 

But no plan as in no recipes to build on the new items. No system for what to eat now. Like the meatless recipes might still have flour and dairy. So they don't work until you've added back in all of the things and know what you have to do without.

I'll figure it out, but as I was putting together meal ideas for the next few days I realized that I'm a huge creature of habit and a lot of my meals have multiple items I've eliminated. Like I'm having chicken tonight. Great. I'll do a stir fry. But make sure no sugar so no teriyaki sauce. I'm doing a pork loin over the weekend, no mac and cheese for a side. Beef on Monday umm...after two days of chicken and two days of pork I'm running out of things to pair! Like I said, I'm figuring it out. But it's a challenge. 

Assuming everything adds in nicely I'll be done with this part by the end of February. But if I get a reaction to something I'll need to take a step back and do a couple of days of the elimination to clear it all out. By the time March starts I will look at adding in the nightshades again. Or testing to see if I can add any of them in or if that's just a no. That's going to take a bit of time since I know that something in there is causing an issue. I will, of course, start with green chile and hope that that is not one of them. 

Then after all of that is done I'll have a drink. 

I know that sounds like a joke but the last thing to add back in will be alcohol. 

So I'm starting the second half of the process now. The first half was successful as far as noticing that there is an issue and already knowing one of the trigger areas. The second half looks daunting right now and I am so over it already but it's the actual important part so I will keep telling myself that over and over. And then when I have some more answers I will start designing a new way of eating. 

But right now? Looking at the weekend? I'm ready to toss it all out the window for a stack of pancakes or a breakfast taco...

*sigh*

But I will be excited for my chicken and pork instead. 

Soooo excited....

Remember When?

Remember in November when Biden was elected and we all were like...oh whew! In just a few months we will never have to think about Trump again!

And then he lied about the election results for months, fomented an insurrection, got impeached, had a trial where Republicans who voted with open eyes are getting censured by their party,  some of the ones that voted to acquit are still saying, yeah he did it but what are you gonna do right? and ones that have completely lost their way are saying, it wasn't even THAT bad. I mean, who hasn't tried to overturn and election, called out to hang the Vice President and smeared LITERAL shit on the walls of Congress? I mean sure, we normally spread figurative shit, like this, but honestly is it even any different? AND...the Democrats put a blue check mark where there shouldn't have been one in the testimony slides so it's all a hoax!

And people in Florida lined the streets to clap for Trump as he came back from golfing.

I've said it for ages that he's a symptom, not the disease, but for fuck's sake it would be nice if the Republicans would purge him from their system so they could at least try and pretend they wanted to cure the disease he represents.

It's frustrating because I know, like solidly know, at this point that it is who they are. That no matter what excuses are made (but, but, but, abortion! and taxes! and guns! And taxing gun sales to abortion protestors!) they said, yeah, we support Trump. And we will vote for him. And we will ignore every. single. other. thing. Because we can OWN THE LIBS! And that is the basic platform. 

When asked why they still support Trump they come out with things like, he tells it like it is. He is going to root out the deep state. He's just like me. He OWNS THE LIBS! For four years I saw the arguments boil down to "what? are you triggered?" and "I love the flavor of liberal tears!" 

If your whole position is just making the other side mad, it's not a position, you're just an asshole. 

Oh but if you call them an asshole they cry about being canceled. Because not only do they want to OWN THE LIBS they don't want any consequences for it. 

Like I said, I know who they are. 

But...

Who am I? And this is always where it's so fucking hard. Because I really want to see the good in people. And even in people who are fundamentally broken in the greater empathy department (which is what the Republican party is) there can be shots of decency. You can see the good parts of people. But people aren't like cheese where you can just cut the bad parts off and have a perfectly fine piece of cheese left. You don't get to ignore the bad parts with people because that rot goes deep.

If you say, well they are decent to me, and they donate to this or that charity, and they are nice to old people, then you have to tell yourself that it doesn't bother you that they aren't decent to the trans kid who is struggling enough without having to worry about a junk check before playing a sport or using the restroom. That they give to a charity but they rail against the program to house the houseless because their money shouldn't go to people like that. They are nice to old people but only SOME old people. I mean there are old people out there who just didn't do enough to not get sick, or save money they didn't have to save, or...whatever.

It's that balance thing. 

It's awfully hard to look at the good and the bad and not have the bad outweigh it all. 

Because the bad really flavors all of it. How can I think you are good to people when it's not to all people? Or even most people? It's not politics anymore. The parties have split away from that. We just call it politics because Empathetic and Lacking Empathy seems like a hard sell for debates.

I mean, they don't want to admit they lack empathy so...abortion, guns, taxation. Sure...okay.

But it's not.

It's a rot in the party. Deep rot. And back in November we all had a moment where we pretended it would go away. The spell would be broken. Carving the bad part off would leave decent cheese. Or at least a chance for decent cheese.

But Trump wasn't just a small bad part. He's the symbol of the deep rot that goes through the whole thing. There is nothing to carve off, because there would be nothing left.

And I don't know what to think about that.

Which is even worse than having to think about Trump. 

Now That's Classy....

I was probably 25 before I realized that Cold Duck was NOT the same as champagne. And I found out by telling someone that I liked Cold Duck for special occasions and they were like...what would that be? When the store is out of Colt 45?

I can remember that feeling. That moment of realizing that you didn't know a whole language that other people seemed to know. 

I had friends in high school that were from families with more money than mine, which wasn't difficult, and I had friends who had actual money. Like Money. But we were all in high school and drank whatever we could wrangle, typically Everclear, which is cheap and strong and easily mixed with fruity drinks and that was the biggest prerequisite. I mean, if we would have been drinking which clearly we weren't because we were underage and that would have been illegal. BUT if we would have, it would have been Coors beer, not at all because one of the people I went to school with owned the distribution for the area, and Everclear. And I generally had a bottle of Bacardi that someone procured for me...once I was 21 I mean. Not when I was in high school...

And when we were in the military it was what ever beer was the cheapest in that area. Nobody had money so cheap or free was the best beer. I want to say it was Pabst in Florida but that could have been Idaho...

But anyway, we all spoke the same language around alcohol. Cheap. 

My parents were not big drinkers. My father's family has a history of alcoholism and my mother told him that would not be an issue in her house. So they would drink very infrequently. But I could remember Cold Duck around holidays. So it became "fancy" in my head. It was the champagne in my house. Sweet, bubbly, and probably cheap as well. 

But when I found out that liking Cold Duck marked me as low class? Well that was interesting. I had no idea. I mean, I didn't really care. I still am not a fan of champagne for the most part. I haven't had Cold Duck since I was in my early 20s either, but only because I finally gave up on liking any sort of wine or champagne for the most part. It's just not for me. Which made client dinners with winos (that's the proper term for people who have entire basements full of bottles right?) super interesting. They would put three or four glasses of stuff in front of me SWEARING that I would like this type, or that type. Rieslings or Ice Wines are the only thing to come close, because they are both pretty sweet. But still not going to be my go to if I am grabbing a drink.

But we mark people by things like that. Do you prefer a top shelf alcohol over the well version? Do you even know that there are shelves? Do you know clothes brands? Do you care? How about artists? Or composers?

That's a big one. 

The cats don't care for music, it freaks them out. We've been trying to ease them in to getting used to it as background noise. So we've been playing classical music while we eat breakfast and then I pick something while I clean the kitchen. Anyway...this morning I listened to The Four Seasons by Vivaldi. Which made me laugh because I had been thinking about the Cold Duck moment. I had someone tell me once that The Four Season is what people who don't know any other classical music listen to and think they are cultured. I told them I listened to it because it's wonderful. But I also listen to a few other composers, most of them are well known, because well...classical. Classic is right there in the name. 

I don't really have a point to this blog. There was just something in a podcast about race and the pressures of fitting in that made me think about the Cold Duck moment. The person being interviewed talked about how being the first was always a giant pressure for him and how he would have to code switch all the time. He would never have talked around his white classmates the same way he would have around his Black friends. It made me remember that moment. And few others. Ones where I opened my mouth and my socioeconomic status came out and marked me as other. As less classy. 

But if I kept my mouth shut there wouldn't have ever been that moment. Everyone would just assume I was like them. Had the same information. The same touchstones. Knew that Cold Duck was not in fact the same thing as champagne. I never felt the immense pressure of fitting in because it was always assumed that I did. That's a pretty big assumption for people to make. That I'm like them because I look like them. 

Or that he wasn't because he didn't. 

Hmm...

Maybe I did have a point after all. 

Updates...

So we went ahead and started the elimination diet I talked about. Brent doesn't really have any joint pain but he's doing it with me which is nice. But for ten days it's no flour, no meat, no dairy, no alcohol, and no added sugar. Today is the fourth day. 

I was expecting to be cranky and feel a little under the weather. I was thinking it would be like when we did Atkins and those first few days were rough. But I'm guessing since it isn't low carb that's why we aren't feeling icky. Hungry for sure, but not icky. 

I think, maybe, possibly, I felt a little better this morning when I woke up. But not enough to really say YES! THIS WORKS! But it's only the fourth day. Next week I'll know. And I'm not sure which way I want this to go. That yes, something I'm eating is causing my joints to hurt or no, it's not that. If it is food related then I will need to not eat that food. And I love food. 

Like really love it. 

Brent and I were talking about it last night, and how bummed I was not to be buying things for the snow days coming up. I have snow day foods I love. Fresh breads and soups and cookies. Then I said it was the Lunar New Year on Friday and there would be no dumplings this year, which there should be dumplings on the Lunar New Year. And Sunday is Valentine's Day and even though we don't celebrate the holiday it's always nice to get some chocolate on a good deal. I have special food for every event. I just get a lot of pleasure out of eating. 

If I had to choose I would say get rid of the meat. If it's meat then I could work around it I think. Cook meat for Brent and just not for me.

Dairy would be tough. I've done it. I was dairy free for over a year awhile ago. I want to say I did it for almost two, but can't really remember. I was trying to figure out what was triggering my adult cystic acne and dairy kept coming up as a probable culprit. Turned out it wasn't. It was a hormonal imbalance but...I tried. And I dealt with it. No fake cheese, those were just not okay. I just did without even though I missed it at times. I wasn't worried about sugar at the time so used Vanilla Almond milk in my cereal and it was super yummy. I did soy in my lattes (which considering it was a hormone imbalance turns out that was a HORRIBLE choice) and I got used to it, but never really loved it. Now I could do oat or almond even at Starbucks. 

Flour would suck. I love bread. Tortillas have already been the hardest part to not have. Yesterday I was hungry and that's all I wanted. But there are some substitutes I could do that would be...eh. But do able.

No alcohol would be a slight bummer but I've gone decades between drinks before so it would just be a matter of getting back OUT of the habit of having a drink now and then. It would be a lot more then than now. Brent would have to learn how to drink alone without guilt. But I know I can be completely sober without an issue.  

Added sugar is what it is. I've cut it out during this stretch (lots of fruit so it's not tough) and we only eat it on the weekends anyway so if I were to cut it back even more, which I know I probably should, that would suck at times but wouldn't be impossible. And especially if I have to cut flour and or dairy. Since added sugar comes in the form of baked goods and ice cream right now. Cut one of those and the other goes down. 

But I'm sort of hopeful that it isn't any of those. Because I love to eat. And I love to have a nice bourbon and ginger ale as well. 

But if it isn't any of those them I'm at square one. Is it just because I'm older? Is it just because I am heavier right now than I should be? I will have to go in to the doctor and see if she wants to run any tests or if she will just tell me "Hey, see this number? Lower it and then see how your joints feel." with the implied Fatty at the end. 

But that's where I am with this latest experiment. Just at the beginning. Not sure what the results are going to be. Not sure what I want them to be either so we will just see. 

Which is what experiments are right? Run it and see what you find out. A negative result is still a result.

I'm just not sure which would be more negative... 

Watch Your Words....

I get so frustrated with the tone police. And the word choice crusaders. And the pearl clutchers.

I mean, honestly...

Now for those of you that know me, or have read this blog over the years, you know I don't believe in the concept of "bad words" and "good words." I do believe there are words you shouldn't use because of the emotional pain and baggage they carry. The history of the word matters. 

I also believe there are words you should weigh your choices of when to use them and when not to. 

When my mother was alive I would use most every swearword around her without a second thought. Except I did not use god, damn and especially not goddamn. Because for her those weren't just normal swear words, they were offensive to her. Deeply. From her religious perspective. I've had friends laugh at the fact that I will mix "oh my goodness" and "gosh darnit" in a sentence with "fuck" or "asshole." Well, yeah...

But that was my choice. I knew those words meant something else to her so I didn't use them around her because she meant something to me. 

But holy fuck I get tired of people who tell you that you can't use words like hate, or lie, or racist, or stupid or ignorant or...pick what ever one you want. You get the point. 

I think hedging our words around "lie" was part of the problem with Trump's ascendency. We got so precious about calling a lie a lie it became this wishy washy area of well, maybe it's not a lie. We decided that we needed a legal ruling, did they know they weren't telling the truth? Did they intentionally mislead? Maybe it's a falsehood. Or a misinterpretation. Or possibly just a different point of view. 

Or...maybe...and hear me out here...it was a lie. Was it the truth? No? Then what was it? Did they lie on purpose? Well we can get into that. But saying that they didn't intentionally lie is very different than saying it was a different way of looking at something. Not intentionally lying means you didn't know. Or you didn't understand. But what you said was still untrue. A different way of looking at something? Man, that makes it seem like it's perfectly valid. 

Then Trump added the bonus FAKE NEWS to things he didn't like. And people are still doing it. No, it's not fake. It's true. It just doesn't say what you want it to. Unless you can show me how it wasn't true then we won't call it fake news, we will call it a lie. 

Hate is another one. How many times do you see people get called out for that one? "Oh hate is such a strong word." And I honestly tried this one myself for awhile. You know, like tried to leave hate for things I really hated. Deeply hated. But no. I hate creamed corn and that's just the way it goes. And I hate when people lie to me. And I hate being told to watch my language. I don't think I need to wish you ill to hate what you are doing. And I don't think saying that I hate something is the same as being hateful. 

There is a nuance there. 

And probably that's what I fucking hate the most. The lie that things are all clear cut. That there isn't any space for nuance. That context doesn't matter. I'm a paragraph person in a sound bite world and I hate that people lie by pulling soundbites out. I hate that the general public is willing to be fed those soundbites to shape a narrative and when it's pointed out that it's wrong you can't say it's a lie because then people are super worried about the word lie. And hate. 

I've talked over and over about the word racist. And how nobody wants to be called racist. Or told what they are doing is racist. They REALLY hate that word. Think it's a lie. But is it? Or is it a warning? A chance to look at what you are doing, saying, how you are acting and decide is this racist? Am I being racist? Why would you say that? And sometimes it's just someone trying to shut down a discussion, and I hate that. But sometimes, no lie, what is being done and said is racist. And you should change. 

Stupid is another one. Don't be stupid! "Oh you can't call someone stupid!" Well, I didn't say they were stupid, I told them not to be stupid. What they were/are doing right then was being stupid. And they should stop that. 

What is happening right now with the Rightwing NewsySphere around Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her account of the insurrection is a lie. It's taking what she said and pulling out words to make it seem as though she said something else. It's ignorant. It's being willfully ignorant and stupid and it's a lie and I hate it. (which is why it's making a second blog appearance) 

Don't do that. 

Don't be that person.

Don't. 

Be smarter. Be truthful. Be more worried about the whole context than the soundbites. Be smarter. 

And fuck anyone who tells you to watch your words around it...

Rewind...

He watched her watching her flash. Trying to read in her eyes what she would say when it was over. He had gotten pretty good over the years at guessing, at weighing the responses, some people had surprised him, but normally he knew which way they were leaning just by watching their faces. He thought he had a good read on her. 

She took a deep breath. Then another one. 

"What did you think?"

"It went so fast."

"Well it is a flash."

"No, I mean, the whole thing. It didn't seem like it at the time, but it really did go so fast."

He nodded. This was a common response. No matter how long it had really been almost everyone thought it had gone very fast once it was over. 

"Anything else? Anything you would like to change if you had the chance?" And there is was. The question. 

"Well there was that one boy..."

He held his face still so he didn't show his disappointment. He had misjudged her. Missed the mark. Oh well, it's not like he was graded on guessing their responses to the flash and the question. He wasn't actually being graded at all. That wasn't his lot. That was theirs. But to have it boil down to a boy? So shallow and such a disappointment. 

"...and there was that old woman on the bus as well. And..."

He realized that she had kept talking and he hadn't been paying attention. He pressed paused then backed up the interview to the spot his mind had wandered off. She wouldn't notice the pause. They never did. 

"Well there was that one boy I just don't remember seeing him the first time. I am not sure how I could have missed him. How many were there? There was the young woman with the stroller and there was that old woman on the bus as well. And how could I have not seen them? Not at all. It's like they weren't there."

Ah. Well this was better. He might not have misjudged her after all.

"You can't be expected to see everything. There is an awful lot."

"But I should have seen them at least, shouldn't I? They all clearly needed help. That boy had the saddest eyes. And the woman with the stroller? She was clearly struggling and it would have taken almost nothing from me to help her. That old woman on the bus? She was so lost, she looked so helpless. I can see it now, but why didn't I see it then? How did I not see any of them the first time?"

He was already searching the records. "You were six."

"What?"

"The boy. You were six. You couldn't possibly be expected to be that other focused at six."

"I was six? It didn't feel like I was six."

"Because you aren't six now. Now let's see, the woman with the stroller, you were late for a meeting. You were juggling your work materials, a takeout tray of coffee cups, and your mind was on your sick daughter at home."

"But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have seen her."

"You can only see so much. It's in the design. If you took in everything all of the time while trying to manage your personal priorities then you would quickly be overwhelmed. The limiting feature is there by design. Now let's see, the old woman on the bus? Hmm, oh."

"Oh?"

"She was feeling lost. She was feeling helpless at that point in time. But there wasn't anything you could do to help her. Not then."

"Why not?"

"What do you remember after seeing the old woman?"

She cocked her head, "I, umm, I think that was the last part of the, what did you call it? The flash?"

"Yes, your flash. Your life passing before your eyes in a flash."

She thought for another moment. 

"Oh."

"She was lost and feeling helpless because she couldn't help you."

"Oh."

They sat in silence for a few moments more. 

"So that was it? That was the end?"

"Do you want it to be?"

"What do you mean? I have a choice?"

"You have an opportunity to voice your opinion."

She laughed, "That's not quite the same is it?"

He shrugged.

"I'd like to go back. I'd like to be able to help that boy, and the woman with the stroller, and all of the people I didn't help before. And maybe give a kind word to the woman on the bus before...so she could feel better about it all and not feel like she didn't help."

He nodded. He had been right about her. He liked to be right about the ones who were like her. The others? It was a bad feeling when he was right about them.

"Okay, well, that settles it then."

"So I can go back?"

"Oh no. You're moving on. There isn't anything else for you to learn from that phase."

"But I could help other people more..."

"And you will. In the next phase."

"But..."

He pressed pause again and then ejected the tape. He marked it Suzanna Cortez V. 4.2 then put it on her shelf picking up the next blank cassette. They really needed to upgrade the system. But for now this worked. He pushed in the blank cassette and pressed record. "Good luck, Suzanna."

She faded from the room and moved on to her next assignment. He was sure she would do well. He was pretty good at reading people by now. 

Just Stop Being Dumb.

I am so tired of willfully ignorant people.

Have I written this blog before? 

I might well have but I don't want to go looking. 

Not because I don't want to know, but because the search feature doesn't work well and I would end up spending too much time reading things that don't have anything to do with what I am looking for. 

Which would be apropos of what I am so tired of, but not really what I want to encourage. 

I am a fan of facts. And it's shocking to me when I find out other people aren't. 

Now, I get it, on one level that doesn't really match up with me. I like fiction. I like making things up. I like exploring nuances and tilted world views and multiple ways of looking at things. But at the end of the day, if there is something that is a fact, it's a fact. 

And I am so tired of people thinking that facts are just things to ignore if they don't make you feel right or something to pay attention to only if they come from two select sources, and those sources are not the same as other people's sources, they are your own special sources. 

It's probably the only point that I ever agreed with the MAGAts about. Fuck your feelings. Though they weren't adding the part that I do. Fuck your feelings, this is a fact. They are firm believers in fuck YOUR feelings, but MY fact free feelings are perfectly valid and you should follow them. 

It makes me crazy.

I can remember the first time I posted a fact check for a conservative friend for something they had posted. I had my little Do Gooder Scout badge all shined up. Look at me helping someone out! And then they replied with the whole fact checkers are liars from the left and you can't believe them. Which I was like...no. See? They have references. They showed their work. You can see the original piece. You can see the real deal. It's not like they just posted "You Lied" and moved on. It's all here. But nope...it didn't matter.

I was shocked. 

Now I'm just resigned. 

I know if I post a fact check on a conservative post it will be dismissed and ignored. I often do it anyway because I figure anyone else reading the thread should know when I say, "that's wrong" I have a reason for saying that. And it's because...well...it's wrong. Facts matter.

Now we have the Trumpublicans trying to wish away the insurrection. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't Trump's fault. It might not have even happened... When less than a month ago they were all singing a different song. There was a bright and shining moment where they actually believed what was in front of them. But then it was gone. Hell, Kevin McCarthy has now completely forgotten he even spoke out against QAnon repeatedly on camera and now he's pretending he hasn't even heard of them.

We also have voices from the left and the right trying to blame Biden for things or say he said things that he didn't or why hasn't he fixed everything yet, I mean he's been president for two whole weeks! 

Remember how much I hate the first 100 days nonsense? Now we are at the first 100 hours. If you haven't fixed everything by your first fortnight in office you are a failure. Oh my god...it doesn't work that way. You know it doesn't work that way. Hell, most of us can't even fix smaller problems in our own lives in two weeks let alone the big issues in the country.

Just stop being dumb. 

Or I should say willfully dumb. 

Dumb is fixable. Willfully dumb is a choice. 

And I don't expect all of us to view the world the same way. I don't expect us all to agree on everything all the time. It's just not the way the world works. And that's great. It would be a boring place to live if we all were in lock step all the time. But there should be a firm foundation of facts that we all can agree on. What you do with those facts can be different for sure. But people said something or the other or people did something or the other or this thing actually happened. That should all be easy. 

But it's not. 

If you can't make your argument without lying. Or developing amnesia about what you have said in the past. Or dismissing any actual facts that others show you, then you have a lousy argument. Work on it. Get back to me. 

Unless you are Kevin McCarthy and then I just have to say...who? I don't think I know you...

Troublesome Quotes...

I think I've mentioned before that I collect quotes. I love a good quote. One that speaks to you on some level. Or one that is clever with a turn of phrase. I love them. 

Years ago before the great UnOprahing I subscribed to O Magazine and one of the things she did was put in quote cards or bookmarks as a cool little keep sake. She also loves a good quote. (I probably should get over it and go back, I'm sure she misses me) Anyway...

I've had some of these cards and bookmarks for ages. Like two decades at this point. And they've sort of receded into the background. Every once in awhile I'll stumble on one in an usual place that it's been tucked and read it again. But for the most part they are wallpaper. 

This week I took a picture of a book I was reading and the bookmark I was using was one of the quote ones. A friend misread the person's name and it actually caused me to look at it for the first time in a long time. Like actually look at it. 

"Truth is the only safe ground to stand upon." Elizabeth Cady Stanton

It's great quote. It's a great sentiment. It's a great reminder. 

My father used to say something similar, basically if you always tell the truth it's just easier than trying to remember who you told which lie to. 

It's also a really good solid feel. I am standing on truth! Like a solid foundation right? Just a great quote. 

But...

Elizabeth Cady Stanton could probably also be credited with the first "All lives matter" quote. 

Not exactly that phrase, but the same sentiment for sure. 

See, she and Susan B Anthony are probably two of the most famous suffragettes. And they both also opposed the 15th Amendment. They took the stance that the right to vote should not be extended to Black men before it was extended to women. And here is where they split and why you probably are more familiar with Susan B Anthony's name. Anthony said it was a right for all. That human dignity should not be determined by gender or by race. She didn't want to open voting rights to yet another group of men and leave the women out. It's actually not a bad argument at all. It was Universal Rights, Anthony was not willing to say that another group of men should get the vote when women weren't. All men and women should have basic rights. And Stanton who is widely credited for starting the women's rights movement agreed and...well.. she added more information to her stance that Anthony did not. 

She said that Black Men shouldn't vote ahead of white women because "We educated, virtuous white women are more worthy of the vote..." Welp...there you go. Our very first white feminist. 

White feminists are different than feminist who are white. They are the ones who when pushing for women's rights really mean white middle class women. When talking about the priorities of women they mean white middle class women. It's a common and recurring issue and it's been with us from the start. 

Stanton wasn't fighting for the rights for all women. She didn't want Black women to vote anymore than she wanted Black men to vote. She wanted the right opened up to white women. That was her idea of equality. White women on par with white men. Not everyone having the same rights. 

In today's parlance she is problematic.

But it's still a great quote. 

And this little blog reflects it, I think.

The truth is she wasn't a good person. Not someone I'd want to hang around with. But she did do a lot for pushing rights for women forward. Even if in her mind it wasn't for all women. These historical figures are complicated. They were from a different time. But like I said, she would have been an All Lives Matter responder sure as shit. 

We are still battling for Universal Rights. We just need to make sure we are on the side of TRULY Universal, not a universe that resembles me only. 

Truth is the only safe ground to stand upon.

Even when it's not as pretty and as tidy as you'd like it to be.  

More of the Same Plus!

Okay, so what am I going to do in February to work toward goals or add new goals?

I'm going to go ahead and carry on with POD and Daily Gratitude for another month. Those are both really hard for me to give up once I get going with them, so I might have committed myself to a year by accident, we will see. 

The Daily Calm/meditation piece I decided to look at hitting 20 days this month instead of trying to force it daily. Hopefully that works out for me. It's not my favorite thing that I do so it's very easy to push it off, I'm hoping that I didn't just give myself permission to skip even more. We will see...

I mentioned that we are going to try the inflammation elimination diet that I had planned on doing LAST year when we got back from Disney World but...Covid. But that starts next week. It's 10 days of no meat, no dairy, no added sugar and no bread. We will see if it makes any sort of difference. My joints have been SCREAMING at me lately and if this works then I will be thrilled. Unless it turns out it's dairy and bread that trigger the pain then I will be really bummed. But the first step is the elimination part then I'll start adding in the missing pieces one at a time. It will be interesting to see if it makes any sort of a difference and interesting to see if we do have food triggers if they are the same ones. 

My stretch goal this month is working on my flexibility. Hahahahahaha!! Get it? Stretch goal? Oh whew...so funny. Okay, maybe just me... But I am working on it. I am not measuring it very closely this month. Basically just starting out trying to loosen everything back up before I really push the gains. 

The writing, reading, fiction and submissions are set for the year so I am just working toward those end numbers. I won't write a blog every day, I worked out that I need to write 13 a month to hit my numbers so most weekdays with weekend makeups if I need them and I'm good. Which is nice. That frees up either Saturday or Sunday to not have to think about putting something out. Which should be a relief for you all.

The scheduled time that I started last month I shifted just a little. I turned a few of the particular times into merged time blocks with other things. Like (and I'm just putting all of this down and I don't really expect you to find any of it interesting, so that's okay) last month I had from 8-9:30 as a time for chores and 9:30-11:30 for working out, cooldown and showering. This month it's 8-11:30 for all of that. If I workout at 8 or still at 9:30 then that's just fine in the schedule. The reason for the shift was last month I would have my smoothie after my workout, and if I had it at 11:30 it counted as lunch. This month I will be doing that elimination diet which means that my smoothie does not make the cut and I will need to actually make lunch. And make lunch for me and for Brent so I need to shift the workout earlier to leave time for making lunch. See? So much more information about my life than you need. But the scheduled time seems to be working out. It gives me a frame for the day and also kind of gives Brent a heads up on what I'm doing when as well. 

Chores themselves are shifting days a bit. Trying to make sure I hit each room of the house at least once a week for cleaning. With running the sweeper on the main floor daily. Two cats with wooden floors makes that pretty much a need to (for me). And then I have a monthly list that runs along with weekly chores, like once a month I wash the filters in the vacuum and the sweeper, clean the fans, run vinegar through the coffee machine and things like that. And another list on top of that of special project type things that aren't monthly but do need done a few times a year and I pick up those and add them as a fit them in thing. This month it's tidying my pantry and shelves. 

I know, you are all really shocked that I live such a rock and roll lifestyle. Though, honestly, if you've known me for any length of time you already knew I did these sorts of things. I'm just really grateful that I have time to do them without having a full time outside job and a small child to raise. Because when I had those things I still WANTED to get these things done and would get super frustrated when there weren't enough hours in the day to do them. I'm glad to be past those years and wish I had had more grace with myself while I was in them. 

So anyway...

February is started. We will see how it goes!