One Year...Three Months...

We've made it to the end of the firsts. Which is always the worst. 

We are three months in to the first year. It seems so much longer. 

Today is the anniversary of Mom's death. Tomorrow is the three month mark of the day that Ann probably died. The 29th of June is her official date of death because that's when they found the body. But backing up in messages and the state of the house I'm pretty sure she died on the 27th. And I know, it's really harsh to say things like "found the body" but it is what happened.

It's like processing Mom's death. It's not really suicide because suicide is forbidden in the church. But she absolutely chose to die. People hate the word suicide. And I get it, I really really do. For years I had one opinion about it and people who did it and it took a long time to shift that thought process. Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon and that helped me reset my thinking. The right to die. We do it for our pets when they get too sick to continue a pain free life, we should be able to do it for each other. Being able to say when we are ready. 

And that's what Mom did. She said when. She said when she had enough. She had waited patiently for a few years for "God to call her home." Almost every time I spoke with her she mentioned it. That it could happen at any point. Finally she decided to help it along. By not eating. Then by not drinking. It was her choice and her terms. She was done. 

Wouldn't it have been nicer for her if she could have done it earlier? Like maybe two or three years ago when she decided she was just waiting to die. What if she could have had access to medical care to help her transition quietly and painlessly? Just like we did for Samson and for George. Death with dignity laws but not just for people with terminal illnesses that cause tremendous pain. Death with dignity laws for whoever wants to access them. 

And yes, there would need to be a set of counselling appointments. Is this really what you want or is this a temporary thought? But imagine if it were really a true option. An actual thing that we all accepted as part of life. The pain it would save. Not just the pain of living while waiting to die but the pain for people who have to live on when a loved one has chosen suicide. 

If you knew it was an option at any point in time, if you knew you could get access to medical assistance to help you, would it change the number of gun deaths or hangings or overdoses? If you saw the doctor and got the counselling you had to get to make sure you were ready for this choice, would it help stop people from making it? The ones who could find help in other ways? Would it make a difference? And if they didn't change their minds at least their family and friends could know it was coming. Could have the chance to say goodbye. To try and understand why.

I also know for me a lot of the time I don't want anything different than what I have but knowing I have options makes me feel good. Like I know what I want for dinner and it's probably going to be one of the same dozen or so meals I rotate through, but if you told me I was only going to be able to eat those 12 things for the rest of my life it would make me miserable. I don't want to exercise the option very often, but I do like having it.  

If people knew they had the option, at any point in time, to peacefully leave this life, would it help more people make a different choice?

It wouldn't have changed what my mother did. Well, I mean, it wouldn't have made her want to live. She still would have made the choice to die. It just might have made it a nicer process for her. And for my siblings who had to watch her waste away. And for the rest of the family who had to wait to hear every day if this was the day. If she was finally free.

Losing your parent is always hard. We've had long illnesses and sudden heart attacks. Wasting away and 10 days from "I don't feel well" to dead from a disease a large group of people still think is some sort of hoax. None of them were easy. None of the first years were easy (including the restarted one we are in right now). But if it could have been easier for Mom? If her last years had been years she wanted to be here instead of years just waiting to die? Wishing to die? That would have been so much better.

Maybe some day we will have more choices. Living and dying.

It's My Birthday And...

 ...I'll cry if I want to.

And I'll laugh because shit is hilarious.

And I'll eat treats because they are yummy.

All of it. All of the time.

So...yeah...I knew 51 was going to be rough. Last year on my birthday my siblings and I were hanging around in Death's waiting room watching (from there or afar) my mother fade away. She had made the choice that she was done. And I really was glad for her to let go when she wanted to let go. But...

So when I wrote my birthday blog last year I knew it was going to be a rough year. 

But I had no idea how rough it was going to be.

We lost my mom, Brent's mom and a few friends. We are dealing with a pandemic. The economy is crashed due to the pandemic and we have people who think that the real catastrophe is paying an additional $600 a week to people who have nothing. We are dealing with the fallout of hundreds of years of racial injustice. It's good thing, it's necessary. Hopefully it's a lasting change, but it's still been rough. Growing pains are always rough and maybe, hopefully, We the People are finally growing and changing.

So it's been a good year too. 

Because my mother passed we took an extra trip back to New Mexico last Fall even though we had just been home in the Spring. It will probably be the last time all of my siblings are together in the same room. I didn't take pictures, and should have, but at least I have the memory. 

We also spent a few days visiting with Ann that we wouldn't have had the chance to otherwise. She was going to start traveling more soon. She needed to get her knee replaced and she had an elderly cat that didn't like it when she traveled. As soon as her cat passed and she got that knee done she was going to start coming here more often, or taking more trips with C (they went to New York a few years ago to see The Cursed Child). But because we were all home for the funeral she didn't have to travel to see us. Again, I didn't take any pictures, I had some from May when we all visited before. If I had known it would be the last visit I would have. If she had known her time was a lot shorter than she had thought I would guess she wouldn't have put off the knee surgery or the travel. But we saw her, and that was a good thing. 

We also took a fabulous trip to Disney World in February. Christopher took over a year to plan it all out and we had an outstanding time. It was just when the tendrils of the pandemic were spreading across the country so I feel really lucky that we were able to get there and back before everything shut down, and to do it without getting sick or infecting anyone else. 

Christopher got Covid 19 back in April and recovered fairly quickly and fully as we far as we can tell. That's a really good thing. 

And we got the kittens and they have been hilarious.

So yes, it's been a terrible year. And it's been a great year as well. As most years are. Just this one was on FULL.

So we went from 48 is great, to 49 is prime to 50 is nifty followed by what was supposed to be 51derful but ended up 51 Can we be done? Now we are in 52 pick up. It doesn't rhyme but it fits. Picking up the pieces and starting again. 

You all know 2020 is the no goal year, but birthday years are different than calendar years so let's look at what I want to accomplish for 52. 

I want to make it through. 

Seems dramatic but 51 was a real test so let's just make clear that the bottom line expectation for 52 is #52MakeItThrough (there's a rhyme). Fifty one was enough of a test that I actually forgot my birthday was today until Brent wished me a happy last day of 51 yesterday. Oh...yeah, my birthday is tomorrow. 

I do want to lose some weight. I know, I know, I swear I'm not going to focus on such things but the pandemic and the grief eating and the no gym time have made this one a solid request from the knees. So a fairly significant weight loss would be good. 

And...here's the exciting part that I haven't shared and can't really call a goal because I have ZERO control over it but...I haven't had a period in SEVEN months! Could this really be it? Could I be posting next year about how 52 was a full on menopause year? Fingers crossed!

Though, of course I know that actually is part of the weight issue. And the slowed hair growth issue (it just stopped for a month or so, I joked it was because we couldn't see Sara and my hair wanted to keep it's style). And the dry skin issue. And...Well fuck it! It's worth it! See? Good and bad.

And the really serious part...I'm going to keep growing my eyebrows in. I know, it's a big deal and I can't believe I haven't shared it with you before. When were in New Mexico after Ann died I didn't have a good mirror in the hotel room so no eyebrow grooming. Then I decided to see if I could get them to fill back in, age and plucking tends to make that fairly difficult but why not see? And it's been slow but they take 4-6 months to go through full growth cycles so we will see if I can get back to my dramatic thick brows of my youth...

So you know...priorities. 

And here we go. Another year on the books. Hopefully a better one to come. Even though the pandemic is nowhere close to over and the kittens will only be small for a brief amount of time and I'm not positive that the election will go the way I want and my eyebrows will probably not fully recover; I'm still hopeful. 

And that's the best birthday wish I have for you.

I wish you hope. 

Pathfinders...

She had been the perfect child growing up. 

Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but she had been really well behaved.

She had done everything she was told to. She had become what she was expected to become. She followed the path that was set before her. 

But then...

One day she noticed that though there was a path she had been set on, there was another path as well. And once she saw that other path she saw a lot of paths. When she asked about those paths they told her that the people on those paths weren't happy and really wanted to be on her path as well. 

But then...

She walked parallel to a path for awhile and talked to those walking near her. They didn't seem unhappy with their paths. In fact they seemed to be the same as she was. 

They are wrong. Don't worry about it. That's what they told her. You are on the right path, we would tell you if you weren't. 

But then...

There was a felled tree in the middle of her path. She asked what she should do. Climb over it? Go around it? Turn it into firewood? What do you do with a tree in your path?

There is no tree. That's what they told her. 

But there is. I can see it. I can stand on it. I can touch it. She told them.

No. There is only a path. There is no tree. Just keep going. 

So she climbed over the tree that wasn't there and kept going. But she didn't forget the tree. Or those that told her there was no tree. 

Eventually her path brought her close to another path again. Did you see that tree? Wasn't that amazing? The other hikers asked her. 

You saw the tree?

Of course we saw the tree! It was huge! It crossed all of the trails through here. We had to climb over it to keep going. We had a picnic in the branches and talked about what good food it will make for the forest floor. 

She kept walking on her path. But now she spent more time looking at the other paths. Paying attention to where they went. Talking to the people hiking those trails. And they were different. And they were the same. And they were happy. And they were sad. And sometimes they switched paths. Or wandered off the trail to forge a new path. 

Aren't you scared you'll make a wrong step?

Sometimes. But I'm more scared that I'll never see anything new if I don't try. 

She stayed on her path. But she noticed more things in her way. And each time she asked about them she was told they weren't really there. That there was only a path and the rest wasn't real.

But it was real. 

Then came the day she saw that the path she was on wasn't going in the direction she wanted to go. Stay on the path, they told her.

And she listened to them.

And then she told them no.

And she found her own path. 

And it was scary.

And it was lonely.

And they told her she made a terrible mistake.

But it was real.

And it was true. 

And it was the path she chose.

Which made it beautiful.

Lock Down Up Grade

 In February it was a joke. Something they laughed about over lunch. The pandemic was coming for them! Could you even imagine such a thing? This wasn't something that could happen now. Pandemics were relics from the past. 

She wasn't sure why they thought that. They had all seen Ebola and SARS in their lifetimes but those things happened "over there" and "some place" not here. Not really. There might be a little flurry in Florida of West Nile virus or a small grouping of disease near an international airport for a few weeks but it was always contained quickly. Such a false sense of superiority and security. 

And so they laughed about it. 

Then at the beginning of March they started to talk about the what ifs. What if their office did close down for a few weeks? How awful that would be. How would they stand it? Home all the time? No break at all? What would that mean?

She had been convincing herself that what she was doing was fine. A few lunches, okay lunch almost everyday. A few text messages after hours, okay a flurry of them every evening. Some shared inside jokes, a lot of shared looks and laughs. But they hadn't really done anything wrong. Not yet. Though in moments where she was being honest with herself she knew it was just a matter of time.

She was already dressing with the thought of what he would like. She was keeping little snatches of conversation in her head to replay. She felt attractive and interesting and yes, sexy. She knew it was only a matter of time, but right now she was telling herself that she hadn't done anything wrong. 

Then mid-March the office closed. Fourteen days. That was the first message. If we all shut down and stay home for two weeks it will be fine. The schools closed early for Spring Break and said an extra week off would be enough. They texted multiple times during the day. Just checking in. 

At the end of the first week the change came down, instead of two weeks of the office closing they were going to be working from home through April. From two weeks to 6 weeks. From temporary close to temporary working from home. The schools followed suit. The would look at coming back in May. 

At first she and her husband shared their little home office. Each taking a corner of the desk. But when his company said they would be working from home until June at least and then her company said did we say end of April? Let's try end of June as well. They decided they really needed more space for each of them to be able to take conference calls and Zoom meetings. They didn't have kids so they knew their lives were so much easier than their co-workers who were trying to manage online school for the kids and online working from home for themselves. They laughed as they set up two office spaces in the house that they had been thinking was maybe a little too big for them before. You didn't know what you needed until you needed it. 

They slept in every morning. Easing in to the day. There were no breakfast meetings. No rushed time at the gym before work. They woke up and went for walks together before breakfast and the before the heat of the day could take hold. They showered together before work. Something they hadn't done in a long time. They enjoyed having the time with each other. No commute. No rush hour assholes. The committed to leaving work phones in the office in the evening. No more working from home after normal office hours when they were working from home all day. It was great. Even if she missed a few texts at the beginning. 

They also got a glimpse into their co-workers lives that they had never had before. Zoom meetings showed that Gary was a really talented artist who painted water color flowers. And Zoe was a Star Trek fanatic who had a replica of the Starship Enterprise hanging from her office ceiling. And then there was the time Carl's kids burst into the room to show their Dad their art project and his wife Janie came in smiling and apologizing and she seemed so nice. And pretty. Not at all how she had always imagined her. And his kids were adorable. And real. So very real. And he clearly adored all of them. 

At the end of May the end date was pushed again. Expect to be home until the end of 2020. Maybe beyond. The company was going to be exploring the idea of virtual work as the new normal. Was there a way to do everything by Zoom or conference calls? Maybe one small office for times when face to face meetings made the most sense, but the money that could be saved on real estate, well it was something to consider. 

She and her husband started cooking together. When the work day ended they would make themselves a cocktail, more often than not something they had found online, something they had never tried before, and then they would cook dinner. Sharing stories about their day. They also had lunch together quite a few times during the week. It had started simply enough, a knock on her office door one day asking if she was ready for some lunch, he had made sandwiches and thought it might be nice to sit outside and have a break. It had been nice. He was right. 

Morning walks, leisurely breakfasts, picnic lunches, shared dinners. And then he started to send her little text messages during the day. And she would give their "secret" knock on his office door whenever she walked past. Softly tapping out 1-4-3, I love you. She hadn't felt like this since they had first started dating. She remembered how much she loved and wanted to be loved by him. 

She realized she hadn't been looking for a new relationship, just a better one.

 And all it took was a pandemic to show her she already had it. 

Just A Day...

 Having kittens is exhausting. 

Four AM wake up this morning the first time. I got them settled back down and asleep again after about 45 minutes. I think Brent was able to sleep for most of that time. Then they were awake again close to 6. Okay, fine we'll get up. But first Tux peed the bed. 

What the fuck, dude?

It's actually the second time he's done it. 

And then the third while I was showering. 

And then on the bathroom rug next to his litter box. 

And that's on top of Tig last night and this morning being in too big of a hurry to get back to playing and stepping in his own poop and getting little poopy cat paw prints everywhere.

Tux seems healthy but we've moved the vet appointment up from Tuesday to Sunday (when they could see him, and they aren't super worried so we are trying not to be). And I went and bought the Kitten Attract litter to see if we can fix the behavior. 

And people in the UPS store weren't social distancing or paying attention to the big only 5 customers in the store at one time. And there were a couple of people fighting about wearing masks outside of Walgreens (they were there together and one of them didn't want to wear a mask and the person they were with was telling them they had to wait in the car then). And I'm pretty sure I need to wreck a friendship because I've made the commitment not to just ignore the unpleasant shit, but I am so tired and so on edge that I cannot see a way to do it calmly. 

And...

Oh yeah...

Last year today was the last time I spoke to my mother and I'm still not positive that she knew who I was at the time. 

Grief is a real bitch. It makes good days bad and hard days feel impossible. 

And We're Off!

Gonna give this a try...been a few years since I've tried to work at a computer with a sleeping cat in my lap...

So here we go with the full swing of the election now. Biden chose Harris as his running mate and the Republican Party froze for a minute trying to decide if they should go for the misogynistic attack or the racist one. Then smiled and said, Why Not Both? Plus adding in how she's just SO FAR LEFT! Which, of course, if you are actually around anyone who is SO FAR LEFT you know that she is not. 

The next stretch will be the worst stretch and considering how bad it already is that's saying a lot. But the ugly personal attacks will start from the Right and from the Right's surrogates. The ACTUAL far left will not be happy that Biden chose a moderate and a cop so they will be going after her as well. It's going to be incredibly frustrating and I have so little patience for it all. 

You all know how I'm voting. I'm voting Blue No Matter Who. I'm voting ByeDon. That has not wavered at all. And I know it has with other people as the person they really wanted to win didn't. It made them think that they really weren't Blue No Matter Who because that's just what's wrong with the two party system, man...

And I'm trying my best to keep my mouth shut. 

Most of the time. 

I fail here and there when people are just ridiculous, in my opinion. I mean, fine, you don't want to vote for Biden for current policy issues then fine. But you really need to stop bringing up every single decision he's made since the 80s as if that defines who he is now and what he would do as president. People are allowed to change and grow. If you based who I am now on who I was in the early 80s you would be sorely disappointed in me and surprised we are even friends. And you absolutely need to not make shit up about him, or parrot the Right's talking points, they are busy enough without your help.

And I totally get it. People get SUPER mad about being told if they vote third party it's a wasted vote, or a vote for Trump or whatever. But...it's just a different way of looking at the election. We have a two party system for all intents and purposes. I don't like it either. But I really don't like Trump being president. I absolutely don't like the idea of Pence getting a crack at it. So right now it's time to be clear eyed and realize that one of the two are going to win. Trump or Biden will be the president. That's the way it goes. And for me there is nothing more important than it not being Trump. That's my priority. It doesn't have to be yours. So, no, it's not a wasted vote to vote for someone you believe in. But do know that it's not going to get them in office and might get someone else in if your other choice would have been one of the two with an actual chance. So maybe not wasted, but moot?

So what do I think of the current Democratic ticket? Well aside from them not being Trump/Pence which is the best possible thing I can think of I also am fine with them. Do they perfectly represent everything I believe? Nope. But they are miles closer than what we have now. And I don't need perfection I just need movement toward a goal. And I think Kamala is incredibly smart and strong and I think Joe is incredibly kind and empathetic and I think those qualities give us a really good chance at being decent again. Maybe not. We might be too far gone and the US might never ever recover, but I'd like to give it a fighting chance and I think Biden/Harris is that chance. 

---

And that worked for the most part. Partway through too much exciting stuff happened and he had to climb down to investigate, then his brother needed bothered but at least I got a little bit written. We'll keep working on a schedule!

Well We Did It...

 So we got the kittens. As anyone who follows me on Facebook or Instagram can tell you. I might have taken 3 or 4 (hundred) pictures of them this week. 

I would say that is going to slow down but we both know I would be lying. 

They are really cute and so far pretty well behaved. For kittens. It's a sliding scale. 

And they like each other. Which is great.

For picking one from an internet photo (swipe right or left? which is the keeper?) and one from a phone conservation (what is he wearing? Oh a tux? Sounds cute.) and not being able to have them interact at all before we brought them home I'm feeling really lucky. That and the slow introduction, take a few days, let them smell each other through closed doors, be careful thing did not happen. They rode home from the shelter in their carrier boxes on the floor of the back seat. They could sort of see a paw or a nose through the little air holes and they for sure could hear each other. Not fans of the car ride. Either one. 

When we got home I carried them in together and put their boxes upstairs next to each other and went and got the rest of the stuff from the car. By the time I got back upstairs I could see that they were smelling each other through the air holes and thought well...why not? I mean, I know why not, it's a terrible way to introduce cats but honestly, they are kittens. They are both new. There is no territory staked out. And I also thought since they had both come from the shelter they might actually be the only things in the house that smelled familiar to them so it might be a good thing. 

And it worked. Not even a hiss. No posturing. Just hey, let me sniff you, cool, let me sniff you too. Now let's go fuck some shit up!

It's better to be lucky than good sometimes. 

And they have been super fun. And they are so cute. And they've been good sleepers. Okay, better sleepers than we expected. They wake up a little in the middle of the night but settle right back down. So we are getting mostly full night's of sleep. They are not big on sleeping in, but we aren't either really so it's not bad at all. 

But...they are work. And they do need supervised a lot right now. When we got them Tux was around 2 3/4 pounds and Tig 2 1/2. They both gained a bit of weight but I'm not weighing them so I don't know how much. But still really tiny. They can get into places and things that you wouldn't think they could. And that you know they shouldn't. Everything needs chewed on. Everything needs explored. Then the nap takes over and they would really rather it be on you thank you very much. 

Brent works in the office with the door closed so he can concentrate without constant interruptions. And I've been adding things to a list of "weekend" things. I need to write (today it's all about the kittens) so I need to figure out when to do that daily. I need to work out. I can do sit-ups upstairs but I need to get my other weights and aerobics in as well. So do I lock them away upstairs or let them roam the two main floors? There is no way that I could manage a work out with them with me in the basement so that's out. I also need to do some more house keeping. I managed some laundry and cleaning the bathrooms this week, which I felt was a super achievement. 

And yes, they are already spoiled and we are already shaping our world around the kittens. Any of you that knew George knew that was going to happen. 

And kittens are really good for grief. And plagues. And being stuck. Because you have to focus on them. You have to laugh at their antics. Nothing is ever the same thing twice. So they are good for us right now for sure. 

Which is good. Because August is about to get really rough. 

Yay for kittens!

Uh Oh...

I'm feeling like maybe I've made a terrible mistake. 

It's been a long time since we've had kittens. 

Like 19 or 20 years? 

I'm looking around my house and seeing how it is set up for two people with no kids and no pets.

I'm thinking about my life after the virus clears and wondering if I've jumped the gun.

But we have talked for a couple years now about getting another pet. 

We talked about a dog for awhile. But it rains a lot here during the winter. And sometimes it ices up. And we have no yard. And when I don't want to go out I don't want to go out and dogs aren't down with that. And then we found out that Christopher doesn't really care for dogs (he's been bitten multiple times, you can't really blame him) and that settled that. We don't ever want our house to be someplace he's not comfortable. 

So then we were back to cats. We've loved all of our cats. The ones we had as kids and the ones we've had as adults. Well, we've loved all but one of our cats. There was one that was not lovable. But one out of a dozen isn't bad. 

Then I think about sleep. I have a hard time with sleep and kittens don't really help that. 

And our house is not at all set up for blocking off areas for slow exploration. I'm going to look at the cardboard in the garage and see if I can make some temporary barriers. Which will work for a little bit with kittens. 

Right?

I mean I think kittens don't jump as high as cats do. 

If I'm remembering correctly. 

But it's been like 20 years since we've had kittens. 

I'm not sure if I haven't just made a terrible mistake. 

But a fluffy one. 

Or two.