One Year...Three Months...

We've made it to the end of the firsts. Which is always the worst. 

We are three months in to the first year. It seems so much longer. 

Today is the anniversary of Mom's death. Tomorrow is the three month mark of the day that Ann probably died. The 29th of June is her official date of death because that's when they found the body. But backing up in messages and the state of the house I'm pretty sure she died on the 27th. And I know, it's really harsh to say things like "found the body" but it is what happened.

It's like processing Mom's death. It's not really suicide because suicide is forbidden in the church. But she absolutely chose to die. People hate the word suicide. And I get it, I really really do. For years I had one opinion about it and people who did it and it took a long time to shift that thought process. Assisted suicide is legal in Oregon and that helped me reset my thinking. The right to die. We do it for our pets when they get too sick to continue a pain free life, we should be able to do it for each other. Being able to say when we are ready. 

And that's what Mom did. She said when. She said when she had enough. She had waited patiently for a few years for "God to call her home." Almost every time I spoke with her she mentioned it. That it could happen at any point. Finally she decided to help it along. By not eating. Then by not drinking. It was her choice and her terms. She was done. 

Wouldn't it have been nicer for her if she could have done it earlier? Like maybe two or three years ago when she decided she was just waiting to die. What if she could have had access to medical care to help her transition quietly and painlessly? Just like we did for Samson and for George. Death with dignity laws but not just for people with terminal illnesses that cause tremendous pain. Death with dignity laws for whoever wants to access them. 

And yes, there would need to be a set of counselling appointments. Is this really what you want or is this a temporary thought? But imagine if it were really a true option. An actual thing that we all accepted as part of life. The pain it would save. Not just the pain of living while waiting to die but the pain for people who have to live on when a loved one has chosen suicide. 

If you knew it was an option at any point in time, if you knew you could get access to medical assistance to help you, would it change the number of gun deaths or hangings or overdoses? If you saw the doctor and got the counselling you had to get to make sure you were ready for this choice, would it help stop people from making it? The ones who could find help in other ways? Would it make a difference? And if they didn't change their minds at least their family and friends could know it was coming. Could have the chance to say goodbye. To try and understand why.

I also know for me a lot of the time I don't want anything different than what I have but knowing I have options makes me feel good. Like I know what I want for dinner and it's probably going to be one of the same dozen or so meals I rotate through, but if you told me I was only going to be able to eat those 12 things for the rest of my life it would make me miserable. I don't want to exercise the option very often, but I do like having it.  

If people knew they had the option, at any point in time, to peacefully leave this life, would it help more people make a different choice?

It wouldn't have changed what my mother did. Well, I mean, it wouldn't have made her want to live. She still would have made the choice to die. It just might have made it a nicer process for her. And for my siblings who had to watch her waste away. And for the rest of the family who had to wait to hear every day if this was the day. If she was finally free.

Losing your parent is always hard. We've had long illnesses and sudden heart attacks. Wasting away and 10 days from "I don't feel well" to dead from a disease a large group of people still think is some sort of hoax. None of them were easy. None of the first years were easy (including the restarted one we are in right now). But if it could have been easier for Mom? If her last years had been years she wanted to be here instead of years just waiting to die? Wishing to die? That would have been so much better.

Maybe some day we will have more choices. Living and dying.