You know that feeling, that noticing thing. When you buy a new car and suddenly you see so many of those cars on the road. Nobody had a red car last week and now suddenly there are 100 red cars on your commute. How did that happen? It's not that there are suddenly more red cars, it's just that you now are focusing on them. Because you have a red car.
Since Mom died four people in my social circle have lost their mothers as well. Four. In just under a month. I asked Brent yesterday if he thought it was just that I was noticing more now or if it really did seem like a lot. His practical reply is that I'm old. More and more we are all going to be losing our parents.
Which is true, I am old, but two of the people were younger than me by quite a bit so they just got hit early.
But still, four.
The first one was the same week as Mom, the most recent just this week. And each time I've felt awful for them and done my best not to say, "Hey! Me too!" because, though I am a connector by nature, I realized that this is not the greatest Sames! moment to share.
And I also realize that my processing is probably very different than theirs. You all know, I'm sad but... I'm dealing with it, I'm not 100% but...I'm not devastated. I'm not wallowing. I'm really pretty much fine. Not great. But fine. And fine is not where most people are less than a month after their mother dies.
But she was ready to go. So I have that. She made the decision to go. So I have that. I fell apart when Dad died and every day since then had just been waiting for Mom to join him. So I have that. And we were losing Mom in stages over the years so I have that. And we had the two weeks of anytime now to really feel fucked up, so I have that.
But it's still been interesting to see how differently the four have reacted.
And as a writer it's been hard not to really look at the differences and want to ask questions and take notes and put together character sketches for short stories...basically all the really inappropriate things that I normally feel like doing, but amplified. Because, for goodness sake, their mothers just died. You know...like mine? Who I should probably be mourning a little more publicly? I mean what will the neighbors think?
And I also get that all I'm seeing is a small slice of what they are sharing publicly. I don't really know if they are dealing with it the way they are showing it. I don't know if they are putting on a brave face, or a less than brave face, or acting the way they think they should be acting, or the way they are really feeling. Pretty much the way social media always is. You only get to see what people show you. Not everyone is as "HEY! LOOK AT THIS WEIRD THING!" as I am.
And I also know that grieving can be quiet or loud. One of my friends started out the public grieving so subtly that I thought that's what was happening, but I wasn't sure until about a week later when she actually said, "Mom died." It took her awhile to even get to the words. But the photos changed. The things she was doing changed. There were moments that resonated with me that I thought, "Am I seeing this because of what I'm dealing with or is she dealing with the same thing?"
My profile pictures for the past month have rotated through pictures of Mom, pictures that capture my emotions, and the past two are shots my mother took of me. There are a lot of other pictures she took through the years of me but most of them are of my ass. In the years before digital photography it was pretty much a family joke that over half of the pictures my mother would take of me would be of my backside. She swore it wasn't her fault, I just wouldn't sit still. And I did hate to have my picture taken so odds are if the camera was out I was hiding. So between my constant state of motion and my hatred of photos there are a lot of pictures of my ass. But even if they aren't backside shots they are rarely serious. I would pull a face, or do the Ta Da! pose. Never a serious shot. But they made her laugh. And she had the best laugh. So...
Everyone grieves in different ways. Those of us that are really pretty much fine. Really. And those of us that aren't.
We're all driving red cars.
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