Now and Later...

Today marks one week since my mother died and twelve years since Brent's father died.

Two totally different experiences.

Two completely similar experiences.

For those of you who don't know, Brent's dad was only 58 when he died. A number that seems even younger now than it did then, and it seemed way too young then. He had just had a physical because he was getting ready to deploy to Iraq. He had served a tour in Afghanistan a few years earlier and of course in Vietnam when Brent was born. He was on his way back to a war zone, so we were bracing ourselves for another year of worry about him there. And then he had a massive heart attack while on a long weekend vacation. Nothing that could be done. The back wall of muscle in his heart sheared off. Sudden death. To say we were unprepared would be an understatement.

When Ann called to tell us I couldn't process it at first. I thought I had heard wrong. That it was not Ann my mother-in-law but Ann my sister and it wasn't Brent's dad but mine. We would have been expecting mine, he was much older and had already had a series of heart attacks and had COPD by then. But no, it was Jack. I can remember not wanting to tell Brent and then not wanting to tell Christopher because they were still in that peaceful "BEFORE" zone and I didn't want to yank them into "AFTER." But I did. Because you have to.

From there is was switched into what has to be done mode. Brent went back to New Mexico as soon as he could get a flight, I think it was the next morning, it was the first week of Christopher's school year so he and I stayed behind until the weekend. I was working and going to school at the time and can remember sending off an email to everyone in the office that Jack had died and that I wouldn't be in the office on Friday because of that and would probably be a little quieter than normal while I was there. Trish (the current Spinal Tap drummer of L/N bookkeepers) had spent the morning before everyone else got there downloading to me how horrible her weekend had been and, of course, felt terribly that she had done that while I was sitting there with Jack's death on my mind. I told her that it was fine, I hadn't told her, she didn't know, and his death had not changed that she had a terrible weekend.

When my dad died a few years later that was switched. We had Brent's side of the family coming in to town that weekend and so I went back to New Mexico right away and he and Christopher stayed behind for that and then joined me for the funeral. But things moved into that do what needs done mode very quickly.

Because I'm here, and not living in New Mexico and because we are not holding Mom's memorial service until October there hasn't been as much of that for me this time. My middle siblings are the ones who had to jump right into the what needs done mode. Getting the death certificate, meeting with the funeral home, all of the thousands of details that will need taken care of. I don't have to do that. Because I'm here. I did need to fill out some paperwork giving permission to the funeral home to cremate her, and I did send my sister a check to help pay for that, but that's nothing, not really. Not compared to all that Susan and Jeff will have to do. And deal with.

Mom was a daily presence in their lives and not in mine. So even though we've all lost our mother it's not the same. My other siblings are in Florida right now living with my niece and her family and so I am sure a large focus of their attention is on the hurricane bearing down on them. After that passes I would imagine they will get hit again with grief, but for now I would think the focus would be on the coming storm, not the one that just passed.

They are facing down a hurricane a week after their mother, their grandmother, their great-grandmother, died, they are having to deal with the very real possibility of significant damage to their lives. Or I should say, more significant damage. Mom's death was damage in its own way. But it's what they have to do. It's not like they can go outside and yell at the weather, "I'M GRIEVING! COME BACK LATER!" You deal. You move forward. Life keeps on going.

But for me? It's just waiting until October, being available if my siblings in New Mexico need something. But just waiting mostly. Thinking I'm doing fine until I take a picture and see a stranger looking back at me. I wore makeup for the first time over the weekend, though I still haven't dared mascara yet. I'm not ready for that just yet. But I'm mostly fine. And mostly doing what I would normally do.

We went to Michigan for the season opener this last weekend. We, obviously, had the trip planned a while ago and since there is nothing for me to do but wait, we went. And I wanted to go. I love going to football games. If it weren't quite so crowded it would be perfect, but to get over 100,000 people in The Big House they give each of us a Small Space. Crazy small. Especially when you see the size of most people in the Midwest. I'm not a petite person and I'm Midwest skinny...

But anyway, less than a week from my mother dying and I was on a fun trip to Michigan for a football game.

Which is weird, right? But that's life. Life is weird.

Twelve years.
One week.

It's completely different.
It's very much the same.

Losing a parent is hard. No matter when, or how, or what came before. It's just hard.

And we just keep going.