She traced a path in her living room. She would make up her mind to do it, walk halfway there then shake her head like it was an etch-a-sketch and she could clear the thought and walk away. Walk there, shake her head, walk away. Walk there, shake her head, walk away.
Which she understood was ridiculous anyway. She could do it from anyplace in her living room. It wasn't that big of a room. Hell she could do it from the kitchen or even eating nook. The whole house wasn't that big. Didn't she do other things from the kitchen all the time?
But she knew why she wanted to be closer. She knew when, if, when, she did it she would whisper the command. The shame was so great she knew she wouldn't want there to be a chance anyone else might hear her.
Which made her laugh. If there had been anyone else there to hear her she wouldn't be doing it would she? But she still knew she'd whisper it when the time came.
She knew she wouldn't be the only one ever to use it. In fact just last week she and a couple of girlfriends had talked about it at lunch.
"I feel sorry for people who do it." That was Gloria. She, of course, would never think about using it.
"Don't feel sorry for me. I'm perfectly comfortable using it whenever I feel the need." That was Suzanne. Suzanne had no shame. Ever. About anything.
Still Suzanne, "They wouldn't have made it if there wasn't a demand for it. A lot of people are using it. They just aren't talking about it. Which is kind of ironic when you think about it."
"I would just be so embarassed about it. I mean, everything like that goes on your profile right?" That was her. She was as permanently embarrassed by items on her profile as Suzanne was shameless.
"Who cares what's on your profile? So it's there along with, 'Shops at Macy's every Sale' or 'Buys Name Brand Face Cleanser Instead of the Generic We Are Advertising', it's just another item on the list."
"What would the people who monitor those things think if they met you?" Gloria, of course.
Suzanne had laughed at that. Hard. She had tears in her eyes she laughed so much.
"I don't see what is so funny about that!"
"Of course you don't! Come on! There are over 300 million people in the United States alone, and you think you are memorable enough to stick out from them? You'd have to be doing some really freaky shit for that to be true." Suzanne had paused then, "So are you? Come on, Gloria, spill. What's your kinky little secret?"
Gloria had blushed deep scarlet at that point, "You are not very funny at all!" Then she'd gotten up and stormed to the bathroom.
"I disagree, I'm hilarious!" Suzanne had shouted after her.
Everyone in the restaurant had turned to stare at their table then, but Suzanne had just smiled at them all. No shame. Ever. About anything.
But she wasn't Suzanne. She wasn't quite Gloria either. At least not yet. But she definitely had some Gloria like tendencies. She cared deeply about what other people thought of her. About her. She worried that she was the only one in the whole world who was not...was not...well she wasn't even sure what everyone else was, but she was worried she wasn't that. Whatever it was.
When she was with Suzanne she felt like maybe she could be like her. Just do what she wanted when she wanted and to hell with what anyone else thought. But then she had to admit that her freedom, her who cares attitude was really more what does Suzanne think? Would Suzanne think she was doing it right? Caring about one person's thoughts about you was the same as caring about everyone else's thoughts about you. She'd like to just care about her own thoughts.
Actually, no. That was the problem right now wasn't it? She was stuck with her own thoughts. Too many of them. With no other thoughts to help out. Her children were grown and living on their own. Her husband had left her for someone just like her, only younger, at least that's what Suzanne had said. Gloria just looked at her with pity and mentioned an online class she was taking to give her interesting things to talk about. Of course implying that lack of interest had been the issue. Suzanne had snorted at that.
Walk there, shake her head, walk away.
She had two more hours before bedtime. She had eaten dinner and washed the dishes and tidied the house. Though with it being just her there wasn't much tidying that needed done. She had set aside an outfit for work tomorrow. An old habit from when the house was much busier and mornings were a rush of activity. Trying to get everyone fed and clothed and homework gathered and permission slips signed and dinner plans made with her husband and still get to work ontime and put together. So now, even though she got up and had a leisurely cup of coffee before leaving for work and still being the first one in the office she still planned her outfit the night before.
Could she make it one more day without doing it? That's what she had been asking herself for the last month. And so far so good. But...
Walk there, shake her head, walk away.
She turned on the TV. Still pacing she paged through the guide. She clicked through to her DVR to see if anything there looked promising. Nothing was appealing. Not tonight. She just wanted something else. She turned the TV back off.
Walk there, shake her head, walk away. Walk there. Stand there. Stand there. It would be so easy.
"Alexa? I'm lonely."
"I can help with that. To talk please say, 'Activate Conversation Mode'"
Shake her head, walk away.
Maybe tomorrow.
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