Looking Glass...

Today has been a through the looking glass sort of day. One of those reminder days. Reminder of who you very well might have been, where you might have gone, what might have happened.

Driving home from the gym and the car in front of me (that pulled out into my lane off of the highway and forced me to slow down to start) was driving 10 MPH under the speed limit. So I switched lanes to pass him and then switched back in to that lane. Of course he had slowed me down that now I was off cycle from the lights and got caught at the red. Then when he caught up and turned right next to me he gave his horn a couple of fuck you blasts.

I hate car horns. Have I mentioned this? Brent knows this. Anyone who drives with me knows this. My parents never yelled at us growing up. So I am completely unprepared to deal with yelling. It makes me extremely tense. My fight or flight pegs right over to fight. Well, car horns are just yelling in a car. Unless you are yelling to get my attention for something dangerous don't do it. Honking to be an asshole is well...well it's rude and frankly it can be dangerous.

Because when he did the horn blasts to be an asshole about me being stuck at the red light after passing him, BECAUSE HE WAS GOING 10 MPH UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT, my top thought was, asshole...but the voice in the back of my head was, "You know...he just honked at you so clearly he wants your attention. There is no one coming in the right lane, you could turn and give it to him."

That voice in the back of my head used to be the front of my head voice. And I worked hard, years and years ago, to make it the back of head voice. But it's still a voice there. Friends recognize her as Bad Denise. And if I hadn't made those changes she would have been the front. And I wouldn't have been that calm. Because bad tempers that don't get taken care of, that you let keep going, well they don't tend to lessen, they tend to get worse. So by now I would have grown that bad temper into a monster one.

I didn't. I made the active choice not to. I worked hard at it.

But he didn't know that.

He had no idea who was driving the car he was just an asshole to. Don't do that. Don't be assholes to people when you have no idea who they are. I mean, don't be an asshole is generally good life advice, but that's for your own good person vibe. Don't be an asshole to someone you have no idea who they are? That's a safety lesson. Road rage is a real thing. It happens. And people who have tempers that they haven't, well, tempered? Those people take a little fuck you car horn and turn it into a Fuck me?? FUCK YOU! And it's on...

Safety first.

Then the next looking glass moment came. Someone posted something that I read and thought, I see what you are trying to say here, but man, you could have chosen about 20 other ways to say it. This way? This is the condescending way. Which rarely ever leads to anything other than a circle jerk of sanctimony. "oh yes, I agree"; "couldn't have said it better"; "oh those people are the worst."

Well no. No they aren't. I mean, I agree with you and I think you're the worst so clearly those people aren't.

And, trust me, I can be condescending at times. I do it on purpose when I'm really really pissed off. I want what I'm saying to be dripping with it. I want you feel it. I want you to understand how pissed off I am and by slowly talking down it gets the point across in a solid way. It's not nice. But it's not supposed to be. I'm past the point of convincing arguments when I do that and on to just reaffirming what I think about what you are saying. You don't have to tell me I'm being condescending at that point, like it will be a surprise to me, trust me, if you notice it, I'm doing it on purpose.

But this was one of those things that was supposed to show how one set of choices was "bad" and one was "good" when really they were just different. Actually both sets are very complicated. And the people who make those choices can tell you 101 reasons why they make them, either set. But you being an ass isn't going to change their mind.

So it was a looking glass moment that actually ties in with the first one. Years ago I made some conscious decisions on who I wanted to be. Where I wanted to go with my life. How I wanted to act. How I wanted to feel. How I wanted to make other people feel. And sometimes it's nice to get a reminder that I could have gone a different direction. I could have chosen other paths. I still could. But I don't.

Those voices are still in my head.

The ones that will beat the shit out of you, either literally or metaphorically.

They are still there.

Just on the other side of the looking glass.

Lucky for all of us they can only watch.

And in the case of Bad Denise offer social commentary.