You Never Know...

You don't know how far you can go until you go.

That's what I've been telling myself lately during my workouts. It helps me push past that feeling of "I can only jog for 5 minutes at this pace before I need a break" I don't know how long I can jog at that pace, I do know how long my mind is trying to convince me I can go. But until I actually push myself, I don't know. 

Today I jogged at 4.6 mph for 29 minutes. Yes, I know, why not thirty? But that's when the program I workout to clicked down to the cool down and I didn't have it in me to bump it back up for a minute. 

But that was the longest I've gone at that speed. Can we call it speed? Pace. Let's call it pace. The fastest I've gone is 5 mph. But that has only been for two minutes at a time so far. One of the programs I am doing does speed play and laddering and 5 mph is my 8 on the RPE scale (rate of perceived exertion) but my 6 on the RPE scale is 4.6 mph and today I jogged at that level for 29 minutes.

I didn't know I could do that yesterday. I have no idea how much longer or how much faster I will eventually land on. I won't know until I do it. 

But I do know I'll try and talk myself out of it a few times before I actually accomplish it. Whatever it ends up being. 

That's why I'm going through with the doctor's appointments and assessment to see if I qualify for ADD meds. 

Because I don't know what they might do. 

Two big things worry me about all of this, assuming I get the medication. 

The first is that it makes absolutely no difference. That I will have gone through everything just to find that nah, this isn't any sort of answer to why you are the way you are. And then I have to say, just kidding, I don't need this at all. Thanks for going through all the rigamarole though! And part of that is that I've spent my entire adult life figuring out how my brain works, what makes me tick, and I have built a whole routine around that knowledge. You've all read posts where I've tried different things only to come back to what works for me. Schedules, routines, goals, gold stars. 

The second is that it makes a huge difference. Like suddenly I don't have to have three different lists, and two different calendars, and schedules, and goals and gold stars. Like I remember things and just do them without building in elaborate check systems and rewards. 

The reason why that one worries me is because I know that if it does suddenly quiet the buzz in my head and I become efficient and capable and shit then I will wonder what I could have done with my life. I'm already wondering how much I hampered Katie's by not letting them put her on the medication in elementary school. 

Marianne Williamson (great spiritual guru, lousy candidate for president) says, "Our deepest fear isn't that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." When I first read that, and all the rest of the poem, I was stunned. Because it's true. 

If we are inadequate there isn't much expected of us. We can just sort of exist and be fine. But if we are powerful? If we can do amazing things? Well then why aren't we?

If I could take a pill that would quiet the buzz in my head. That would stop my attention from fracturing into a thousand pieces, then what could I do? 

I won't know until I get there. 

If I get there. 

I also have one other slight worry, what if it works, but it changes who I am fundamentally? I know they have worked on dosage from when these drugs were first introduced and you don't get the zombie compliant vacant person that you got back then. It just mutes the excess noise so they can then function in the world without fighting that. But what if that fight is what makes me who I am? 

The creative spark. The way I see the world askew. My unique way of problem solving. My offbeat and quick humor. All of the things that I really dig about myself. What if all of that is tied to that buzz and constant distraction? 

I won't know unless I try. 

I have a follow up appointment on Monday and eventually I'll get around to filling out that paperwork. Then I guess we will see. 

If I try it and it works that could be amazing. 
If I try it and it doesn't do anything that would be fine. 
If I don't try it and I just keep doing what I'm doing that's not terrible either. I mean, I'm pretty amazing already. 

I won't know until I get there. 

Try It...

I mentioned briefly that I am going to try the medication for ADD. But what I should have said is that I'm going to try to try the medication for ADD. 

I had a doctor's appointment on Monday to talk to her about starting it. My thoughts on it are that there is no harm in trying. If I find it improves my life, then I keep taking them, if I find that it doesn't, then I don't. Easy enough. 

But I don't have an easy enough doctor. I have a "let's look at all of the options of what else it could be and see if you really need medication."

Which normally I'm all for. I have chosen medical professionals throughout my life, and Katie's, that lean toward other solutions rather than shove a pill at it. So normally I'm all in on not taking medication. I don't take antibiotics unless it's actually necessary. I don't take pain killers unless I am beyond the threshold where I can manage it myself (like when I got the elbow procedure done, I took the pain pills!)

But when I've decided that I'd like to try medication it gets frustrating that I can't just get it. Like how long it took me to get estrogen. I keep hearing about these doctors just handing out medication like candy and how we live in an overly medicated world where you can just get a pill for anything and everything. And yet...

Today I had a blood draw to check my thyroid, some vitamin levels, and something else. She also sent me home with a multi page questionnaire/self evaluation to fill out. I told Brent that the first step to getting a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is if you remember to bring back the questionnaire to your follow up appointment. Of course, I've had it for three days now and I haven't filled it in yet even though I've picked it up and looked at multiple times so that's probably another clue, though there isn't a space to fill in "How many days did it take you to do your homework? Did you wait until a half hour before your follow up appointment?"

There was also the moment where I described all of my symptoms and she said, "Do you think your insomnia causes them all?" 

And I can't really argue with that. During bad insomnia stretches everything is harder for sure. And yes, lack of sleep leads to difficulty in concentration and forgetfulness and being twitchy and all of the other things. So I think she's going to write it all off to the insomnia and that will be that. 

Which, that's fine, in a way. I mean I am only exploring this avenue and if this isn't for me then it won't go anywhere. 

Though she also suggested I find a counselor to talk to about my insomnia because "sometimes a sleep therapist works" and I am sure that sometimes it does. Especially for people who can't sleep because they have anxiety or can't shut their brains down or have gone through some sort of trauma that prevents them from sleeping. But I just don't sleep. I've read so much about insomnia and sleep patterns and I've tried almost all of the natural supplements and I am still where I am. I've got a system that works for me. And often when I try something new it actually fucks that system up and I end up worse off trying to claw my way back. So when I told her I wasn't actually interested in that she was sort of insulted. 

"These are your symptoms, and this could help. You came to me for help."

"I did. And I will consider it."

Which I mean, sure I'm considering it. (I just rolled my eyes)

And I know it's horrible to completely dismiss what your doctor is telling you, but sometimes you really do have to know yourself. And my insomnia is baked in. It's part of my system. There are a lot of us out there who have broken sleep patterns (broken meaning: I sleep for a few hours, I'm awake for a few hours, I sleep lightly for a few hours) and it's normal. I'm not willing to completely abandon my sleep routine and start again so it's either dismiss her suggestion or pay a sleep counsellor to dismiss theirs.

And that's actually the biggest moment I had to overcome to even go to her for the ADD meds in the first place. One of the side effects for some people is insomnia. That worries me just a bit. But I'm willing to try and see. I figure if I get that side effect and it doesn't fade away quickly (some of the side effects last only for a few days) then I will just stop. 

That's the whole let's try this and see part I have in my head. 

But I'm not sure I will be trying them. 

I guess we will see. 

Follow up appointment set for Monday. 

Hard Things...

Today marks one month since a friend of mine lost her son. She talked about how it doesn't seem possible that it's been a month. How she still wasn't sure how she was supposed to go forward in the world. 

Today marks 13 years since Dad died. It's the worst of the anniversaries. It will always fall on Mom's birthday, that's always going to be a part that sucks. But it only falls on Father's Day every few years. When it happens it's just almost too much.

Father's Day and Mother's Day, for that matter, are hard for people who don't have a relationship with their parents for whatever reason. Either it wasn't good to start or they have passed. There is a constant barrage of ads and reminders leading up to the day and then on the day your social media is filled with people honoring their parents. 

I am not of the ilk that thinks you should stop doing that, by the way. When I see people asking for you to keep in mind how hard it is for others and maybe keep it private I roll my eyes. My grief is not your issue. Don't force someone else to be sad because you are. That's just nonsense. 

But it's still hard. 

But it gets easier. 

And I posted about that a couple of years ago and shared it again today. Grief doesn't go away but you learn how to carry it. You will always miss the people you have lost, but there comes a time where it doesn't wreck you out of the blue. Where even if you tear up at breakfast because you didn't get enough sleep and it just all feels really sad, you just tear up and then take a breath and move on. Allegedly, that might happen. Hypothetically...you know just as an illustration. 

But because I posted about being able to learn to carry your grief my friend who just lost her son took some comfort. Even though she is still in the stuck part of mourning. The part where every breath hurts. Where every day feels like the day before and they all suck. Today she looked at my post and saw the light at the end of tunnel. Not her light, not yet, but mine. She saw that if you just keep moving forward eventually you actually move instead of slogging in place. 

And that's where I think social media helps. It helps you comfort those that need it, even when you don't realize that's what you are doing. It helps you show that things can get better even when they suck. 

I don't curate my posts. I don't pretend that I am 100% awesome all of the time. I share the suckage. I share when things aren't going the way I expected them to. Even if my problems seem silly or inconsequential. And especially when they seem massive and impossible. I want your help. And I also want you to see me moving forward. Hanging on. Learning to carry the grief.

Even when you have years like we did from 2019 through 2020 where it felt like I needed a giant wheeled trolley to carry all of the emotional baggage. Whatever it takes to get you through to the next day. And because I had that wheeled trolley, I can now lend it to you. 

We can do the hard things. We can move through the hard times. We just have to keep moving. Learning how to carry those memories with us.

And leaning on those that made it through. 

I hope your Father's Day is a good one. No matter if you celebrate, or if you don't. I hope whatever memories it brings up for you you are able to process and either enjoy or acknowledge the suck and move forward. I know it can be complicated for some. I know it's straightforward for others. Whatever the day brings you, I hope by the evening you know peace. 

The next time all of the dates align it will be 19 years since Dad died and I have to imagine it will be even easier to manage then. Here's to the next time. Just keep moving forward.

Brats...

We watched Brats last night. It's a documentary based on the book Andrew McCarthy wrote about the Brat Pack label and what he felt it did to his, and the rest of the pack's careers. 

It was interesting to see his take on it, on the other's takes on it, and on the reaction to the author of the article who coined the term as well.

If you are a child of the 80s I think you'd find it enjoyable. Not all of the Brat Pack, or pack adjacent members are in it, but a small handful are and it's interesting to see how they all reacted.

But the part that I really got something from was an interview he did with Demi Moore and she said, and I'm paraphrasing here, there is the event, that happened you can't change that, but it's what you attach emotionally to the event that gives it weight and meaning. 

Which, I'm sure I've heard before. And she probably got from her therapist as well. But it really resonated last night. 

Things happen. They happen to all of us. And they can mean as much or as little as we decide they mean. That's the choice we make in life. 

I think that's why sometimes you see someone react to something in a way that you wouldn't and you are just sort of confused. Why are they doing that? This is not a big deal. It's just something that happened. But to them, they have attached some sort of feeling to it. Or some other meaning to it. So it is a big deal. 

And it's hard to understand what meaning people attach to things as well. Because we attach our own instead.

Like there are a lot of times I post something on social media and the reaction I get from friends is very different than what I thought I was expressing. Sometimes people assume I was sad about an event when really I am just marking it as a moment. Or they think I want bucked up when I really don't. I'm fine with whatever I'm feeling. There are times I have to ask Brent or Katie to read something and see what they took from it, to see if it's just that people who only know me on one level don't see what I was saying or if I really did just express myself badly. 

Usually, it's just that people don't see the world the way I do. 

Our attachments to events are very different.

It's not the event that means something, it's the emotion we attach to it. 

Every one of us is going to experience the same things, but we are all going to experience them in unique ways. 

I think that's why I like to think that the Universe has a plan, or is showing me something to pay attention to. Because if not, if things are just happening and there is no meaning behind it, then what is the point? 

The events happen. It's what we attach to them that make them have meaning.

That's going to replay in my brain for awhile I think. 

Sabbatical...

It's time for Brent's sabbatical again.

Okay, technically it's been time for Brent's sabbatical since last year but he couldn't get away to take it. And I was kind of writing it off as a missed opportunity, but you aren't really allowed to miss them so he has found a time that he thinks will work and so it's time for sabbatical.

Which means planning. 

Last time I had a list going of things we were going to do and the travel and projects. It was our first no other responsibility sabbatical. We ended up moving a few things around because he had to shift the dates at the last minute, but we still went on an Alaskan cruise, went to Hawaii for a week, went to Bend for a concert, went to Canada and I think something else, OH we went back to Michigan. 

But I didn't really have anything on the list this time. Because, like I mentioned, I really didn't think it was going to happen.

Brent has added in a few things that we've sort of talked about at different times. Maybe doing a Viking River Cruise touring the Christmas markets? Maybe a side trip to Iceland to see the Northern Lights? There was a train across Canada that we've seen, but the dates he is thinking about don't line up for that. The standard Disney and Hawaii pop ins. A couple Michigan games. 

Our other challenge is the cats. Friends of ours used a house sitter for their last long vacation and that worked out really well. We have Katie here in town but I'm not sure how willing she will be to come here for a week, back to her house for a week, come here for a week, back to her house for a week, for a couple months. That and going back to Michigan and going to Disney are often full family trips so it seems sort of like a dick move to have her stay here while we go there. But we will see. 

 Last sabbatical we didn't have cats so we could just go and do things without worry. Which was my point to Brent when he decided he really wanted cats again. That we had a lot of freedom without them. I, obviously, lost that argument. All in all it works out just fine. They are really good boys, and I do think they helped him so much after his mother died. Something small and helpless to focus on was the perfect thing right then. But since it was the pandemic, and he had a lot of focusing he needed to do, we ended up with extremely social cats. Daily check-ins are not good enough for them. They really need hours of companionship.

And I fully understand these are what Brent refers to as high class problems, and other people call first world problems. They aren't really problems at all. Oh woe is me, how ever will we spend the two months off that Brent gets through work? What sort of travel will we be able to do? 

I mean, I get it. But it's still the thing that will keep me up at nights for awhile while we figure it out. There is so much to choose from. And so many different ways to go. And it's all just a lot. I mean how am I supposed to stay focused on planning one thing when there are 3,000 other things that we could do instead. And how do I quiet the voice in my head screaming about how much money it all costs? And what about the cats? And Katie? And....

And in other news I'm seeing my doctor on Monday to talk about possibly going on medication for ADD... I'm not sure yet if I'm going to try it. I'm leery of the drugs. But I'm also curious if it would help me find a middle ground between no focus at all and hyper focus on specific yet unimportant things. 

So how amazing would that be? Me getting a sabbatical from my distracted head just in time to plan a sabbatical from Brent's busy schedule?

The You Review...

I sort of feel like Facebook has taken over the whole "Your life flashes before your eyes when you die" moments. I think that's what the On This Day timeline feels like at times. Or maybe the old TV show This Is Your Life, but through your own updates. 

Today on my On This Day I talked about the Loving decision, which granted happened before my life started, but just barely. That was the oldest remembrance. Then it all gets personal and more recent. 

Fourteen years ago today Katie graduated from high school. I have all of the pictures from that day and this past week has been pictures and memories about the senior day picnic and honors. She was the outstanding math student of her class. The instructors talking about the award recipient before saying her name talked about how brilliant she was how they had searched for another word to describe her but they all kept coming back to that. Proud mom moment. I can't share any of the photos or posts because that person doesn't really exist anymore. She phrased it the other day that now there is a split in her timeline, it's like she got dropped into a life with a whole bunch of another person's memories. Which, you know I've written a few short stories like that, but this is her existence now. Going from being disconnected with herself, to connecting her mind and her body, but also now being disconnected from her past. 

Thirteen years ago I was talking to Brent's cousin about their upcoming visit. I had planned out a pretty cool itinerary. Like a sampler platter of the area. Some Portland things, some things on the coast, I think something on Mt. Hood. I don't remember what all was in the plan. Partly because I didn't end up going with them. As I read the conversation about being excited to see them I heard the narrator voice saying, "She did not see them." We are just a few days out from the 13th anniversary of my father's death. Instead of visiting with the cousins having a fun Oregon is great weekend I left Katie and Brent to entertain up here and flew down to New Mexico to grieve. 

Ten years ago. Let me backup, a few days ago was the "oh, you knew" moment for this one. I posted about being excessively hormonal or maybe the insomnia was taking a strong toll because I had dropped George off at the vet to get checked out and I got all teary eyed about it. Today (ten years ago) we got the test results back. He was in kidney failure. We had one more thing we could try to see if we could save him, but I know, because I'm in the future, that it did not work and we are just a few days away from letting him go. 

Eight years ago. The Pulse shooting. This one isn't as personal, but it is still pretty personal. Nobody I know was there. I do know people who knew people who were there. I know people who had been there at other times. But my people weren't in danger. That night. But it sure seemed like a harbinger to me. I talked about how all of the uptick in anti-trans and general homophobia was going to lead to more of these things if we weren't able to quash it all soon. But we did not quash. Instead it's spread and gotten official stamps of approval.

Florida is on our list of places we will not travel because of how strong their anti LGBTQIA+ bullshit is. And it's not just Florida. And it has gotten even more pervasive. We aren't seeing random gunmen shooting people in clubs every weekend, but we are seeing massive amounts of legislation being passed in every conservative state. We are seeing people so hateful toward the community that our fake corporate allies are no longer even willing to fake it. We are seeing an uptick in hateful language online. In Pride events being cancelled or scaled back. The Pulse shooting was a volley. And instead of stopping it, the Right embraced it. 

 As far as life flashing in front of your eyes moments go, this is not the day I would choose. I mean Katie's graduation is the closest to a happy memory, but can it really be a happy memory for me when I now know how she views it? Not really. It's a bittersweet memory at best. 

So although I did get to see my life flash before my eyes today, I'd like a redo. Let's pick another day. Or series of days. 

I wonder if that will be the next upgrade from Facebook. Curate your life flash memories. 

I bet they are already working on it...

The Perfect Red...

For at least a decade I have been in search of the perfect red lipstick. And I've found it. More than once. Quite a few more times in fact. And then I lost it. And I started the search over. 

Instead of true red, now I need a brick red. More brown in it, less blue. 

But never orange red. That has never been the perfect red.

And never too pink. Like a dusty rose color is okay, I mean I know that's not red, but nice for a change up, but not bright pink. And not brown. Even though I want a brick red I don't want a brown lipstick. 

But I still ended up with a lot of those other colors. 

Today I did a big sort and got rid of the reds that used to be perfect but now fight with my hair. The reds that were never quite perfect but I thought if I layered them with some tinted glosses they worked okay. The browns and pinks that came as gifts with purchase that I just couldn't bear to toss right away, I mean, they are perfectly good lipsticks, creams, glosses, afterall. 

And that was really it. I had a drawer full of maybes but not reallys. 

And not just with lip colors. With eyeshadows and creams. With foundations and cover ups. Which I never wear foundation or cover ups. I try every once in awhile but I hate the feeling of a cream on my face. Like it never stops just feeling like a mask. I have a tinted powder that I love and I brush that on to even things out, when I remember, and a CC cream for the sunscreen, and that's that. But I still had 3 different foundations or tinted face creams and two different cover ups.

I had big eye shadow palettes that I clearly bought for one color because that color was gone and the other 12 were barely touched. But I still had them. Because the other colors were fine and I was sure I'd use them sometime. I mean not today, because today I'm going to use the same stick I've been using for ever and call it good enough...but someday. 

And the variety of mascaras. Sephora sends samples all the time. I had probably 4 different small mascaras from various brands. For years all I ever wore was Great Lash from Maybelline. Now recently I've started using Thrive's tubing mascara. It's amazing stuff. Cleans up like a dream and doesn't melt down my face during the day. But I still had a variety of other brands "to try someday" that wasn't going to happen. I mean just trying the Thrive took me forever. Which as well as that turned out I probably should try the other brands they might be great as well...just not today. Today I'll wear the one I know I love. Later I'll try something new. 

And I'm totally going to use that black thin point eyeliner. I mean I need that if I'm ever going to perfect a cat's eye. Which I am totally going to be able to do, even though I have never been able to do it, and I don't think my eyesight or coordination is going to improve after my mid fifties, but you know, totally could happen. 

These are the things I've been telling myself in one way or the other for ages. Today I sorted and tossed instead. I still have quite the collection of red lipsticks, all shades that don't fight with my hair, and a few dusty roses. I have three eyeshadow mini palettes and a few cream sticks. I have the powder I wear most often and I did keep one tinted CC cream for days when I want sunscreen, a little coverage and my face feels dry. That does happen. Rarely, but it does. 

Some of what I got rid of took two bites at the apple to do. Either because I really love the brand, or because I know how expensive it was. (Full disclosure, I'm pretty frugal so "so expensive" can be very relative) But I wasn't using them so what they originally cost, or the love of the brand, or even how good it looked when my hair was short and little different shade didn't matter. All it was doing was taking up space and getting old and drying out anyway. But they first got the color test, oh this doesn't work, but instead of straight into the trash they went to a side pile. That kept getting bigger and bigger. Which made me feel really guilty about how much I was getting rid of so it almost all got put back in the holders and put away. 

Two bites at the apple. 

Off to the "I don't think this works pile" then deep breath, into the trash with the ever growing stack of makeup removing wipes that were colored with so many shades of red it looked like I was bleeding out...

So now what I have in my makeup drawer is a smaller collection of things that I know work for me right now. I still have things I will use more than others, but nothing in there that I won't use at all. And I also know that the collection will start to grow again. Collecting colors that looked good online but didn't quite work out at home. Eye shadows that are trying to replace the Bare Minerals grays that were PERFECT but discontinued. All of it to feed the glamour girl that lives somewhere inside my head but never quite makes it out to my face. Because who has time for that? I mean clearly people do, because you see them out in the world, but who has a way to convince me to make time for that? 

Dust of powder, swipe of mascara, the perfect red lipstick. 

And a dream of someday...

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