Whichever Way the Wind Blows...

Today is the first day of the winds.

She'd been preparing all season. Getting everything ready for them. They'd last a week. They would build for a few days before the strongest winds started. Then they would gradually die off again. In the middle it would seem like they were never going to stop, but by the end you'd realize it wasn't very long at all. 

Which is why you had to prepare.

If you started the day you felt the first breeze you'd never make it. 

Last year she had been battered by the strong winds and she swore she'd never be unprepared again. 

She had tied down anything that was loose in the yard. Or anything that might be knocked loose. She had inspected the roof to make sure all the tiles were secure. She had checked her downspouts and siding. The house was solid. It had survived multiple winds and should survive multiple more. 

After checking the outside of the house she had moved to the inside. She filled two tubs with water just incase the systems were knocked out. Then she covered them with tarps to make sure no sifting dirt muddied the water. No matter how sealed you thought your house was the winds always found a leak. 

She checked the pantry and the deep freeze. There was a variety of food stuffs laid up. Whatever you liked to eat you should be able to find something. 

Lastly she checked her go bag. All of her important documents were there. Her IDs, her bank cards, some cash, a few changes of underwear and some snacks. Everything ready. 

The breezes were picking up now. Definitely some gusts happening. 

But this year she was ready. 

One more walk through the house. 

She had loved living here. It was probably why she had waited too long last year. Subconsciously she hadn't wanted to go. But when the winds hit their peak you couldn't resist. And if you aren't ready you might not survive. She nearly hadn't. 

She had stayed inside, huddled in a closet, hoping to ride it out. Until she couldn't resist anymore and then she had run outside trying to catch the edge. But it was long past, all that was left was the force behind it. And it slammed her to the ground. Then picked her up just enough to slam her down again. Over and over for hours. 

She was lucky to have survived. 

And lucky that nobody from downwind dropped at her place. If they had they would have had all rights to kick her out. As it was she stayed on another year. But she knew that she had been lucky and it wouldn't be likely to happen again. 

She stopped and listened as another gust hit the house. It was time. 

She did one last walk through. Touching the counters and walls. Saying goodbye. She really had loved her place. Hopefully where ever she landed would be as well tended. 

Strapping her go bag to her body she climbed the ladder to the roof and readied herself on the launching pad. The edge of the storm was coming and she needed to catch it this time. 

(writing prompt, Someone is moved by the wind )

Short...

I've read a few things lately that talk about the fact that there is no such thing as writer's block. 

For instance, right now even though I am completely stuck on a story I was going to post today and can't think of the next line I do NOT have writer's block, because I am writing this. 

The times that I've heard that or read it I've thought...oh that's inter...GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK YOU KNOW WHAT PEOPLE MEAN!

Okay, so maybe I am not taking the advice to heart in the way they would like. 

But it seems like kind of a dick thing to say, in my opinion. It seems like a way of lessening what I view as an issue. Right now I have writer's block and it's really frustrating because I know the shape of the story I want to write but I can't get it out of my head and onto the screen. I know that I don't literally have a block against writing anything at all. That would be horrific for sure, but I am stuck on the thing I would like to be writing. 

I also wanted to make sure I posted something everyday for the rest of this month so that means you get this little whining piece. Which is also not really going anywhere because my brain is stuck on my totally not writer's block moment in the short story I was trying to get done. 

Ugh...

Oh! And while I was doing everything but write I rewatched the reels I posted last year during the Picture of the Day challenge that she did as a reel challenge. 

I have a very animated face when I talk. No wonder I have so many wrinkles. I work that shit out when I speak!

And now I will be self conscious about it for a bit until I forget again. 

But it should freak Brent out a little while I try and hold my face still while I talk. 

Maybe he'll think I got Botox...

Oh... the Botox is probably why I have writer's block. It froze everything. 

What? Pretend Botox could totally cause writer's block if it's not a real thing either. 

I'm pretty sure that's how that works...

What Do I Know...

I was reading my On This Day posts this morning and got to reread a few different "discussions" from over the years. Basically me arguing with men of a certain age. Specifically white men of a certain age. And noticing that very often they would get sort of indignant that even after stating their thoughts I didn't change mine. 

And being someone who is empathetic I could understand their frustration. They had been raised in a world where the arguments of old white guys had always carried more weight. And then suddenly they were in a world where that just doesn't automatically happen anymore. Women and people of color argue back and don't just bow down to their opinions. They must really feel cheated. 

Now, I'm empathetic not sympathetic. I can understand why they would feel so frustrated but I don't feel sorry for them that they do. Because the world they came up in changed while they were in the world. They had the option to change along with it and they didn't, or to just be different even before it changed (Brent has never fallen into that trap for instance). They didn't choose those options so instead they ended up in my feed arguing with me and getting more and more frustrated when I wouldn't just adopt their mindset. They had no real solid reasons why I should agree with them, or why what I was saying was incorrect, they just felt they were right and that should be enough. 

It wasn't. 

Today I also had one of those "Hey send me a friend request" scammers come back to my no with a "I'm just trying to be your friend" reply. Aside: For those of you that don't know, I answer those comments back. The ones that happen when you post on a public space and they think you're brilliant, or kind, or pretty, or funny or they are lonely widowers looking for someone to talk to or whatever they think will get you to send them a friend request or answer the one waiting for you in your inbox. I generally take one line out of their plea and use it as part of my no. Or I just say no. Because no is a complete sentence as well. 

But when he replied it was so much like the guys that follow you down the street when you don't respond to them or don't respond the way they want you to. "Hey! I'm being nice, slow down and talk to me!" And the not zero number of them that go from that to screaming at you about being a bitch or not even that pretty. It's a joy. 

When I posted about that a friend of mine made the joke asking if I had considered not being a woman on the internet. 

It's funny because it's true. Right now I have over 60 messages from strangers in my Facebook messenger spam filter most of them starting out with "Hello, beautiful." And I clean it out every once in awhile. And I would guarantee that at least of dozen of them have unsolicited pictures of their dicks. Though that might be fewer now since I think the bots are supposed to be trained to recognize them and block them completely, but considering the number of times I get back a message of "this doesn't violate our Ts&Cs" when reporting spam comments I am not willing to say they've caught all the dicks.

I don't reply to those because if you reply to a message then they can message you all the time and it doesn't end up in your spam filter where you don't see it unless you look. So if you go looking for messages, DON'T answer them. 

So how do these two things tie together? 

My friend who made the joke is not one of those types of guys. I thanked him for getting it. And he deflected the compliment and admitted to deflecting it because compliments make him uncomfortable. Imposter syndrome on steroids. 

So I shared some life advice. Take the compliment. Just say thank you and let it sit. 

And then commented that all of the wrong people have imposter syndrome. It would be nice if a few of the people I was arguing with in those past posts had a touch of doubt. They don't need full on imposter syndrome, but a touch of it wouldn't hurt. 

So what do I know?

I know that I'm not likely to change my position unless you bring a better argument than "because I'm a dude." 

I know that no is a full and complete sentence, even if they just want to be your friend. 

I know that thank you is hard to say sometimes without adding but here is why you shouldn't compliment me... But it's important. Just say thank you. And eventually, hopefully, believe the compliment as well. 

I know that I don't know a lot of things. And as long as I keep learning new ones, that's okay too. 

Another Garden Post...

When we were at the garden center on Sunday we were talking about things that I am already changing in the yard and things I would have/should have done differently with the landscaper. I said we had a language barrier and a failure to communicate. 

Brent said that was the same thing. 

I had to explain that no, it was two different things. The first was with the workers, the actual landscapers for the most part and a little with the owner of the company who did the plans. His English was much better than my Spanish, but with the landscapers my Spanish was better than their English, and my Spanish is not good. So it was difficult at times to say This is what I want, specifically. 

The other was communication as a whole. I wanted some specific things and for the most part I got them, but in other areas he just kind of did what he wanted. 

It all looked okay in the end, but it wasn't exactly what I had wanted. 

Language barrier and communication gap. 

Then I told him that I took the blame because I just was done by that point. There were too many projects, too many changes to each project because of supply chain issues or Covid staffing problems. Everything was more expensive and took longer and people were incredibly busy so it all took multiple attempts to even get started. And I was mentally done. 

I can take about 2-3 setbacks with a company before I just disconnect. There are places I don't do business because they had four. And I'm super understanding for the first two, usually. The third one I'm not. And like I said have another, and we are done. I'm full. 

And because we had so many things going on and so many issues I reached the point where if a project could reasonably be considered completed I would just take what I could get. Which at the time seemed like a good answer, and now while I'm looking at what I'm going to redo and how, it doesn't.

But while we were talking about all of it Brent said, "Sometimes trying to keep you engaged all the way through a project is challenging." Yep.

It really is. 

That's been my challenge all along. I'm a good starter, eventually, after a lot of planning, but I get bored and I just want things done. And if I don't get the time to really plan then it's even worse. 

Like the yard. I had an idea in my head but I couldn't find someone who could execute it at a reasonable price. What we should have done is just waited it out. But Brent hated the dead grass yard and wanted it finished. Along with the cabinets, and the enclosed patio, and the furniture and the window coverings and the unpacking and...

Yeah, it stresses me out to think about it even now. 

So I settled for good enough and now I'm redoing a little bit here and a little bit there. Eventually it will all work out. 

And honestly, who knows, even if I had gone with the really expensive companies I might be in the exact same spot. Sometimes we think we are pretty sure what things should look like and it isn't until we do them that we realize we were wrong and that wasn't what we wanted at all. 

Or at least it happens to me. 

It's so hard to keep me engaged in a project...

Patience...

"We need to see how the wildflowers I planted come in first."

"We can just add things and if we don't like them we can take them back out."

"We've got a lot of plants right now and we are going to get too crowded."

"But not for a long time."

"Gardens take patience. It's going to take years before it's fully established. And yeah, there will be a lot of putting things in and then taking them back out, but we need to let what we have establish first so we actually know what we have."

"But nothing is blooming."

"How about we buy some petunias and put in another color bowl in the backyard, and a few marigolds we can move around as bugs dictate and then the lupine we saw that is in a container and that way you can watch it without it spreading too much or getting anywhere near the cats. How about that?"

So the garden center trip that I thought was to buy a few ground cover plants for the front yard became a little more than that but not quite as much as it would have been if Brent were left to his own devices. 

Brent's parents weren't gardeners. Which is hilarious considering his father's family owned greenhouses and Christmas tree farms. But gardens? Nope. So he's coming at everything from the perspective of us looking at houses with beautiful gardens instead of what it takes to start a garden from scratch. And we are starting a garden from scratch in terrible soil so I have zero idea what will take and what won't. 

He also sees a lot of the really lovely flowers and trees and has zero idea of how much work a few of them are to keep them looking decent. What bugs will come and munch them to the ground. What pruning they will need. What temperamental bastards some of them are. 

He just looks at the end results and is happy. 

Me? I look at all of them and think about hours and hours spent in Mom's garden tending to rose bushes and scads of plants that each needed something different that Mom somehow knew what that was but nobody else could ever remember.

I also remember her just going crazy at times and yanking out plants that had taken over beds and crowded everything else out. Like the year she ripped out all of the nasturtiums and didn't once consider the entire family of wee people that lived under the leaves. I've always been a story weaver, even if I was the only one the stories were for, and I had a whole series around those families, I believe I cried when she pulled them all out and she could not understand why I was so upset. 

Just like Brent can't understand when I veto something that needs mostly shade to thrive when we have a super sunny yard. More sun is good right? Well no, not when it needs more shade. Though sometimes I find him work arounds. Like the fuchsia that I turned into a table top plant instead of a hanging basket and put it on the front porch. Hoping as the summer heats up it will still stay shady under there. It looks good for now at least. Which is better than the two the GARDENERS planted in my side yard that looked great for a small amount of time before they burnt right up. You do this for a living, you should know these things. 

(deep breath)

Another day spent gardening in my "I don't want to ever garden" yard. Hopefully in a few weeks (months) I will see some great results from the wildflowers I planted and be happy to sit outside and stare at them while Brent makes plans for the dozens of things he wants to add. 

I read a story years ago about a haunted gazing ball. So...

BEES!

It's a beautiful garden center even if we weren't buying a thing it's worth the visit.

Still Dead...

Sounds like the title to a fiction piece right? 

It's that time of year where we get a card from the Army Family Outreach group giving their appreciation for Memorial Day and letting us know that there will be a summer get together at some point. 

We call it the "Your Dad's Still Dead" card. 

It's dark humor, but it's ours. 

I've talked about it before. They actually do really good work. Jack has been dead for 17 years and they still reach out once or twice a year. They do not forget. And they have other services we could use if we were interested. If Brent had been a child when his dad died they would have been there to help him with schooling and finding scholarships and using his dad's benefits until he reached majority. They are a good organization as far as what they do. 

Much better than the lip service that our congress people pay to veterans and active duty. The every 2-4 years where they talk about how important they are but then forget as soon as they get in office or retain their office. I've heard it summed up that they are very loyal to the military industrial complex but could give a shit about the actual military service members. And that checks out.

There is a ton of talk about honoring our vets and service members but, spoiler alert, they need a lot more than a "Thank you for your service." 

They need resources. They need counselling. They need home loans and student loans and access to financial planning. They need rehab, both from the physical wear and tear of a lot of those jobs and from the addictions a lot of them end up with. They need access to mental health care that is more than just "deal with it." Their families need help as well. Help reintegrating when the service member comes home from a long tour of duty. Help with moving and how to adjust when you get transferred and have to pull up stakes, again. 

The families need help. The service members themselves need help. 

But the money all goes to weapons manufacturing and companies that build planes the military doesn't even want to use anymore. Oh and into the pockets of the executives of those companies, so not even into the equipment. We wage constant war on our own or by proxy and we make a handful of people very rich doing so. 

Those people have no urge to actually be there for our service members. There is no incentive in that. No reason to point out that thousands of civilians are being slaughtered with our weapons. That a lot of our returning service members will never be whole and okay again as they deal with the moral repercussions of that. When you decide that money is your only goal then people can fuck right off, and you for sure don't want to point out that you are getting obscenely wealthy while killing off those people to the group of people who don't serve yet pay taxes to support you. If you show them what is actually happening they might pressure for a change. Which 17 years after Brent's dad; who served two tours in Vietnam, a tour in Afghanistan and was on his way to Iraq, died I don't see happening. 

But at least we get a lovely "Your Dad's Still Dead" card every year.

Rumor Has It...

I posted about the kicker from The Chiefs and his commencement speech on Facebook. 

What he said is a viewpoint that is held by a not insignificant amount of conservative Christians. It's not a big outlier.  And we should stop acting surprised every time one of them says it in a public or semi public forum. This is what the Christian Nationalist who are trying to take over our government believe. White men should hold all of the power. Women should support them. End of. 

And there are enough women who are raised with this indoctrination that they believe it to be true as well. In fact if you were to try to buy one of his jerseys right now the women's sizes are all sold out. And they vote for Republicans and try to ban books to save the children from the horrors of learning that not everyone believes what they believe.

And people get really complacent about it because we all know people who identify as Christian who aren't like that. I have friends and family who have their faith but don't fall into the line of women should only strive to be wives and mothers. Family who would go with us to a Pride parade and be lovely to Katie's girlfriend. Hell, who embraced Katie with love when she came out. But not all of them are like that. 

And just like people scream for moderate Muslims to condemn the violence when Al Qaeda attacks or when women are forced to wear burkas or girls are banned from schools, the moderate Christians need to start condemning these radical Christian Nationalists when they call for attacking the government, denying women healthcare, banning books and saying things like obviously men should be in charge. 

When they make speeches at commencements and decry LGBTQ2+ people, women with careers, men not being manly enough and on and on...you need to say something. 

The rumors have started that he had a homosexual relationship in college and then went to conversion therapy.

I don't know if he did or if he didn't, but it makes sense. Not just because his Instagram feed is the weirdest blend of look how good I look in a suit pictures paired with Bible verses I've ever seen but...

Conversion therapy never made anyone less gay. What it can do though is cause the self loathing to become more deeply ingrained. People end up cosplaying straight. Look how macho and masculine I am! I have a giant beard! Or as he said in his speech, don't be afraid to embrace your masculinity. 

And talking about how women should be most excited to be a wife and mother even though his own mother is a highly educated physicist and his sister is a doctor? Well one of the things that happens in a lot of conversion therapy is they are told that it's the mother's fault her boy is gay. 

See, she's usurped the role of the father. Either because she's a single mom, or because she's emasculated him by becoming the breadwinner, or too opinionated, or too competitive. If she were more docile then he would be able to be more manly and their dear boy would have had the right role model and wouldn't have ended up gay.

Mom's fault. 

So if you buy into that then yeah, you're going to refer to the billionaire your teammate is dating as "his girlfriend" while you quote the lyrics to one of her songs. You're going to get all choked up when you talk about how your wife has put her entire life toward making sure you are a success. You're going to tell a room full of women who just finished working their asses off to get their degrees that that is cute and all but just wait until they start their REAL calling of wife and mom. 

Also years of watching the most adamantly anti LGBTQ2+ people end up outed as gay makes this feel really plausible. 

Conversion therapy never made anyone less gay.
You cannot pray the gay away. 

What you can do is admit that if you believe your god doesn't make mistakes and you are the way you are and you believe your god made you then you are not a mistake. That maybe the people using the clobber verses against you are the ones making a mistake. Translation, theology, historical interpretation, picking and choosing which verse to take literally and which ones are metaphorical, or we realize are just based on the culture they lived in (slaves are a-okay for instance), those are the mistakes. Not you. You can keep your faith and also be fully you. 

And as you do, you need to make sure you are speaking out against the radicals who would like to force you to hate yourself just as much as they do.