I Remember You...

"Okay, I give. Been staring at the cursor blinking on a blank page for 20 minutes...maybe further inspiration will hit later today. I see a funeral and a very well put together older lady sitting in the back row. Hopefully she will tell me who she is and who is dead soon so I have something to write today."

That was my status update from five years ago today. As soon as I read it I thought, "Oh I remember you." And then I wondered how long she sat with me before I figured out who she was. Turns out I wrote the short story later that day. I just had to walk away from the computer for her to finish talking to me. But I do have a vague memory of her kind of hanging out at the edges of my mind for a few days before that.

That happens a lot. I can see it. Visualize it. Like there is another person sharing my head just waiting to talk to me. It makes me understand people who are schizophrenic. Who hear voices. I mean, I hear them as well, I've just figured out how to channel them.

Watching R.L. Stine's MasterClass right now and he is seriously amusing me. Sometimes because of how much I relate to him, he doesn't view writing in the same lofty way that some of the other authors I've read about do. And sometimes because we are really different in our approach.

One of the things he was talking about in a lesson is that he is a big outliner. He outlines the whole story before he ever writes. He maps out his twists and his cliffhangers and knows exactly how the whole thing goes before he ever starts writing. And while he was talking about this he talked about authors who say things like, "I wait for the character to tell me where the story goes." He does not believe this is a thing that actually happens. "Nonsense, you are in control." He thinks that this is something authors tell people interviewing them to sound more interesting.

I love that he said that. I laughed incredibly hard. He has reached the stage of his life where he is successful enough and old enough that he has zero fucks to give about anything else.

Now, I don't agree. At all. Because I am one of those people who waits for characters to tell me what happens. I view the people in my head as being pretty much real. They have a story they want me to tell. They tell me, I tell you, we are all surprised by how it turns out. Now, I get it, I do, I am making them up. They aren't real. But...

They sort of are.

To me.

And depending on how well I write their stories to you as well.

My voices have been fairly quiet lately. I think they are letting me grieve. But I'm hopeful they will start to chatter again soon. I know we have a lot of stories to share. I'm looking forward to seeing what they are.

Oh, and just incase you don't remember her as well as I do, here is the link to that story.

Promises Not Kept

I'm Not...I Didn't...We Didn't...

I'm not cleaning house today. I'm going to do my best not to clean house this week. Like more than just normal keeping it tidy cleaning. I mean the CLEAN HOUSE cleaning. I did offer to go home with Christopher and clean his place. He's been doing a big sort and clean and I would speed that right along...

I didn't spend the weekend drinking, though I "joked" about doing it. More than joked, absolutely considered it. But I didn't.

We didn't fight. At least nobody fought at the service and nobody fought at the house afterwards or dinner that night. What happened when I wasn't around is a mystery but as far as I know everyone played nicely.



They've already started sorting Mom's things. Bags of things out of the closet were already donated or tossed. But the jewelry was waiting for all of us to sort through and pick and choose what we wanted. My mother had a queen size bed, the bed was covered. And there was a good sized table as well. And a couple of other jewelry boxes. And a box filled with just watches. And boxes like you'd find at Home Depot to keep small screws and such in filled with earrings who had lost their match but had never been thrown out. Just so much jewelry.

 This was part of the bed collection

Some of it I remembered from when I was younger. She had sets that she would wear for a time period and then move on to the next. So there were things that I absolutely remembered her wearing. There was a set of earrings that I remembered playing with when I was little. I would put a shirt on my head like long a scarf and hang those earrings from the inside of my ears and pretend I was a fortune teller. My sister said, "Take them!" I said, "I'll take a picture of them."

I would play with these for hours. I thought they were the fanciest things I'd ever seen.

There was the set that I remember her wearing when she would get really dressed up. There was a bracelet and earrings and at one point there was a necklace though that disappeared. The charm that hung from it was found and David is going to use that in a memorial piece he is making. 

The dressy jewelry. Aunt Carol took this set. It reminded her of Mom in the 60s as well.

I picked up a lot of the sets and looked at them.I tried on a lot of her rings, her fingers were bigger than mine so it was all thumb rings for me. Remembering Mom wearing some of them. Wondering if she had ever worn some of the others. She had a QVC Home Shopping Network issue and there were things that I don't think were ever worn. Just purchased. Her style was always more is more. I'm kind of minimalist by taste and by allergy. My metal allergy is significant enough that just handling all of Mom's things caused a reaction and I had to take out my own earrings. Yep, the metal that I can wear was like, okay if you are going to insist on handling metal you know you can't wear we're going to remind you what happens. It was crazy.

And then there were the books. Hundreds of books. And the knick knacks. She had owls, and angels, and hummingbirds, and Noah's Ark things, and stuffed animals, and these weird little things that move in the sunlight that I think would make a great Black Mirror episode, and Southwest inspired pieces, and...well there was a lot of stuff. So I'm not cleaning out my house right now. But it's hard not to. 

All it takes is a trip home to remember that I have addictions built right into my DNA. Food, alcohol, smoking, drugs, shopping, hoarding...it's all there. And believe me, I know that my reaction to it, my I'M IN CONTROL OF IT, is also an addiction. The need to have things clean. The need to have open, empty space. The too much then not enough around food. The almost paranoid level of control around alcohol.

It was a force of will to get a drink on the flight home. I had a couple on the flight down no problem but then as soon as I hit the funeral I was as sober as I've ever been. Not like I was drunk from the night before and sobered up but like the thought of having a drink wasn't a good one. I could see another stone cold sober stretch in my future, and it might still happen. As far as addiction issues go, not drinking isn't a bad one. But I don't want to be that tight about it. I rarely have more than one at a time. I generally only have a few a week. I don't have a drinking problem. But I do know that I could. I know that in the past I've walked right up to the line. I do know that it's in my blood. I know that my grandfather and all of my father's siblings were alcoholics. So I'm careful. To an extreme. 

I've gotten really loose with shopping lately. Like if I want something I'll buy it. That's going to be paused for a bit. When I feel like I can sort more things without the drumbeat of GET RID OF EVERYTHING playing in the background I will do some of that. And I will go ahead with my plan from last month to add things that I know I need, but first I will sort everything and make sure I don't already have things that I've forgotten about, or things that I can make work. And I will go back, after that, to really questioning if I want something or if I need it. 

As far as the not fighting goes, well I left town so that should make it easier on everyone. You're welcome, family. You're welcome. 

I'm not.
I didn't.
We didn't.

Whew...

Pushed Pause...

Saturday is the day. Finally. I don't suggest pushing off a memorial service if you can help it. Delayed grieving is kind of false hope. Mom has been gone for almost two months. Two months of moving along the grief path. Two months of being pretty sure that everything is really okay. Two months that are undone now.

It all started last week when a contemporary of my mother and father passed. Margaret Schrader was a big part of my life growing up. As much as I don't like the teachings of the church it was a family along with my own family. There were five or six really core foundational families in Ridgecrest. The Schraders were one of them. We all knew them, they all knew us. The kids were similar in ages. We all intermingled. Margaret passing would have been painful anyway, but having her service last weekend and then Mom's this weekend it was a lot.

My sister went to the service and she said just walking in to the church was difficult. Seeing people she hadn't seen since Mom died and getting their condolences was almost impossible. And lucky for her and the rest of us we get to do it all again on Saturday.

I spoke with my sister on the phone and we both cried a little while we talked. This is the first time that's happened. Not the first time I've cried over Mom dying, not the first time she has, but the first time we did together. All of the other conversations have been about what needs done, when, how, how much it costs. All of the practical things. But those practical things are winding up now. Now it's just the memorial service. Public grieving. We are both dreading it.

She likes to project strength and togetherness. Just always in control. Me? I like to share what I'm feeling. On my on time and my own terms. Here. Written. In one on one conversations where we are looking for a deeper answer, or a venting session to lighten a load. Sure, that works. But in public? Like me personally not just my words? Ugh.

I've said it for a long time, I don't want a service. Nothing. Not at all. I want you to have your own private goodbye, but nothing public. I don't care for them, and I don't want to subject anyone else to them either. And yes, I get it, the service isn't for the deceased, it's for closure for those left behind, but you can get your closure without public crying. It's okay.

But do it as soon as you can after I die.

Seriously.

Don't wait.

Don't think that there will be a perfect time to say goodbye because I will already be gone. All you will be doing is delaying what you need to deal with. It doesn't make it easier. It just pushes pause.

And that's what I'm feeling right now. That we just delayed what needs done. And the delay didn't make it easier. It made it harder. Healing was happening and now the scab is breaking. The stitches didn't hold. The wound is fresh again.

There were good, valid reasons for holding off on the service, but if you have a choice, don't do it. Don't push it too long. Start that next part of healing and grieving as soon as you can. Say goodbye. Learn how to move forward with the grief instead of waiting, pretending you don't have to.

Because I feel that right now. Like we were all pretending. Maybe not Susan and Jeff because they lived with her so the loss has been daily, but the rest of us? We just kept going like everything was normal. But it wasn't. Saturday I will go to my parents church for what might be the last time, I will say goodbye to my mother then I will go to her house. But she won't be there. And that reality is finally setting in.

I'm still fine.
I still believe it was her choice.
That she wanted to be with Dad.
That this means she's not so terribly lonely anymore.

But...

Two days until I say goodbye. Three days until I let her and Dad go for the last time.

And the clock starts again.

Where Are You Coming From?

Just finished my October MasterClass. It was Alice Waters Teaches Home Cooking. It was interesting in places but not really my favorite. And not always applicable to my home. For instance the last meal she made she prepared in her kitchen fireplace.

So yeah...

No.

I mean it would be nice to go out to my  backyard pick fresh lemons from my tree and herbs from my garden and prepare them in my kitchen fireplace but that's not going to happen.

And I say that would be nice, but honestly even if I did have that I probably wouldn't do it. Pretending I would be a great cook if I only had a better kitchen is kind of my thing.  But as the cool kitchen remodel showed I don't like cooking any more in a nice kitchen than I did in a mediocre one. I like the idea of cooking much more than I do the actual cooking.

But I do keep trying. Because I am a good cook. I make better things than probably half of the places we eat out at. I also can have more control over what and how much we eat by cooking at home. And I can add green chile to all of the things. So I watch cooking shows, and take cooking MasterClasses, and buy cook books, and read cooking blogs. And I try.

But no matter how much I try I am not going to wake up tomorrow and have a large garden and a kitchen fireplace for grilling. Those are things that are completely not in my control.

So much of life is like that. What can you control? What can't you? And are you aware of it all? Where are you coming from?

I grew up poor. For a good portion of my life our house had wheels on it. But we had a house. I also went to private school for a few years. How my parents afforded that is partly a mystery and partly not to me. But that's their story. But they did it, and I went because they thought it would be best for me to be in a different situation.

I'm not sure when I made the connection between what they were dealing with at the time with my sister and their decision to put me in private school but it could have been as I was writing those last two paragraphs. Seriously. I had never thought about it together before.

We had lived in an apartment in the heights (a part of town in Albuquerque) when my sister started high school. It was a really good high school, probably the best public school in town at the time. My brother went there and was set to graduate early. I was in the feeder elementary for the district. Then we had to move. Because my sister had been expelled and there was only one school in town willing to take her on. So we had to move away from that neighborhood and to a new one.

Half of third grade and then fourth grade at the new elementary as my sister fell farther into her issues. So at the end of the school year when Mrs. Romero told Mom and Dad that her suggestion was they double pass me or I was just going to get bored (more bored) and start causing trouble (more trouble) they pulled me from public school and put me in private. I had always thought it was just an educational choice, but looking at it today and tying it to what they were dealing with with their other daughter I see to them it was a choice that had to be made to try and head off any future problems for me.

That's amazing to think about.

And probably did keep me out of a lot of trouble.

The group of kids from elementary school split in middle school. Instead of everyone playing with everyone and all of us hanging out together by the time high school started and I was back in the mix they had split. Jocks and preps on one side, freaks (our term for stoners) on the other. And as I was not a jock and the people I was closest with went freak odds are I would have as well.

Most of my life I've believed that the reason I didn't end up with a drug problem was because I saw what it did to my sister and I swore I would never touch any of it. But looking at it now, right now, I see that yes, that was part of it. It gave me the resolve sure, but it's also due to what my parents did. The choice they made. The one I had absolutely no control over.

Life is like that. There are things we can control and things we can't. There are things that we think we've done all by ourselves that when we look at them again we realize we didn't. I will not wake up tomorrow with a kitchen fireplace. But I did buy stuff to make a green chile chicken pot pie for dinner tonight. I did decide not to become a freak when I lived through the effects of someone else's use, but I was also protected in place by my parents.

Before you decide to judge a decision that someone else is making ask yourself why you make the ones you make. Before you judge where someone else is in their life ask how you got to where you are. Really how you got there. Was it all just you or were there forces in place that you weren't paying attention to? Before you get smug and want to talk about how you did it all, all by yourself, make sure you did.

And odds are, you didn't.

Turnover....

"Skin cells turnover at a rate of every 30-40 days....
....

The high school biology lecture had been replaying in her mind for weeks. She remembered being fascinated by the idea that her entire skin would be replaced every month. It had captured her imagination. Things she touched today, in a month she would not have touched. Not really. The skin that had pressed against the brick wall outside of her class would not be the skin she had a month later.

Within two months the skin cells she had would have not only not touched the wall but not touched any cells that had touched the wall. There would be no trace of cells left that had touched the wall. The whole concept was amazing to her. How was it possible to have memory of touching the wall when the actual part of her that touched the wall was gone?

When she got older it wasn't as interesting to her. It was one of those fleeting things that can only happen when you are younger and you become completely absorbed by a new thought. Like the classic does everyone see the same colors as you do? We both call this blue but what if my blue is your red? Things that seem more important than they are.

Or maybe they were the important things and we just stopped paying attention to them.

Maybe if we kept that sense of amazement at the world we would be better off.

Maybe the things we think are important now aren't at all.

.....

"Scar tissue is caused when the damage is deeper..."

....

She looked at the calendar. In two days it would be two months. She would be brand new twice over. No part of her skin would have been touched by him. No part of his skin would have touched her. They would be strangers to each other.

Even more than they already were.

.....

"But over time, even scars change and fade. The bright red mark turns into a light silver line. A reminder of what happened, but not as vivid."
.....

She looked at her hands. Opening them. Then closing them. Hands that had never touched or been touched by him.

Brand new.

Closing In...

I can't believe I've only written one blog so far this month. Now part of that is because I wrote a short story as well but it was for submission so it will be a late post here once it's rejected. I mean I will give you the link when it's accepted for the journal and posted there. (insert the winking face or the smirk face you can choose) The other is that we traveled last week. And the biggest is that October is here. The month we are finally having Mom's funeral.

So all of that "I'm fine, really" feeling is a little frayed at the edges. I mean, I really am fine, mostly. I'm better than I thought I would be. I'm still feeling like it's because Mom made her choice that I'm as okay with it all as I am. But at the same time after texting with my sister yesterday about next steps I spent all day playing a mindless game on my phone and nothing much else, even though I thought I SHOULD be doing something else. I told Brent last night that I even know why I'm doing it, I just don't want to think about the funeral. But I have to.

Next weekend is the service and Susan is going to give everyone in the family a packet of ashes from Mom and Dad and we can do with them as we choose. The boys and I are going to spread them on the east side of the mountain Sunday morning. It's where Mom said she wanted to be so for once I will do what she wants and take care of at least part of that. And it gives me chance to have a private moment to say goodbye. To her and to Dad. I didn't really do that when Dad died. I think I was waiting to do it all at once. Now it's time.

Susan also wants help sorting everything out. She thinks there are things we might want to take. This is making my skin twitch and I haven't even started yet. You all know that I have weird things around stuff. I don't want too much of it. Right now I have a lot of it and there is a part of me that wants to just throw everything out and live with bare walls and empty shelves. I know this is a reaction to the fact that I grew up with borderline hoarders. There was always too much stuff. My parents grew up without a lot of money and on the recovery side of the Great Depression. You didn't throw ANYTHING away. My father actually could turn all of those spare parts into useful things, so it was hard to argue.

And then coupled with that was my mother and her collections of things. I cannot tell you how many times I heard "This is going to be worth something someday" growing up. Figurines, books, jewelry, you name it, Mom had it. It took me a long time to be okay getting rid of things she gave me that "were going to be worth something someday." It's a tough mindset to break out of. First off, no it's probably not. And secondly, is that worth your own peace of mind today? And for me clear space is worth more.

So anyway, sorting through things in Albuquerque. I know I want one of her smaller owl figurines. Much like my father's ring, that's what I want to remember her by. I'm even considering a tattoo combining the two things. But I don't want anything else. I don't need anything else. Anything that is worth something now they can sell and use the money. It's not worth haggling over who gets what, or who was supposed to get what, or any of that to me. But Susan and Jeff have had to deal with everything else so I can go sort things for a couple of days to help.

So I will.

And I know some of it will bring back memories and some of those will be good and some won't. So I'm sort of bracing for it all already. Nothing like raking the bottom of the pond to stir up old feelings.

I also know that it is probably the last time we will all be together in one place. Mom was the center of our family and now that she's gone the center probably won't hold. I imagine when we see each other again it will be in small groups. We live in Oregon, Ashley and her family are in Florida. John and Ann are living there with her. Jesse is in, umm, Connecticut maybe, Jeff, Susan, David and Brian are still in Albuquerque. We are scattered. And honestly we don't all have much in common except blood. So I have to think this is the last time we will all be together and considering the last time before this was Dad's funeral I'd say that's a solid guess.

So I'm mourning that as well as mourning Mom. I tried to explain it to Brent the other night but he's an only child and absolutely has no reference for it. And he knows I prefer the small groups anyway so the idea of mourning an idea of a lot of people getting together is really outside of his area. But I have good memories of Thanksgivings and Christmases with 20+ people in one house. Playing games and eating and laughing. We haven't done that in decades, but when I was little it was fun. And that won't happen again.

And that's okay as well. Like I said, we don't have a lot in common. The odds of recreating those times would not be good. Getting through the weekend without a fight will be enough of a challenge. I mean there's already been one dust up around the service and the only thing that kept it from getting uglier was distance. I know the last time we were together I was rude to Ashley and had to apologize later so I'm hoping not to repeat that performance with new players. But...the idea of it is sad. The idea that we didn't grow up to be that TV close family is still a little sad to me. But we didn't. And now that Mom is gone we will mostly go our separate ways as well. Which is okay. We grew up to be very different from each other. We can love each other and not want to spend time together. I think that's probably more normal in families than you'd think.

And I also know that it's mostly me. I'm the black sheep in my brood. And I came to terms with that ages ago. It's just now that Mom is gone what that really means is setting in. She was the bridge for all of us to reach each other. "Do it for Mom." So we will get together one last time for Mom. And play nicely (hopefully) and get through it (definitely) and it will be fine.

I'm okay.
Still.
Sort of.

Ten days to go.

Grrr....

Such a bad mood.

That's me.

I'm in SUCH a bad mood.

I've had a low grade cold for almost a week. It's like the slow roll illness. Started out with a little congestion and just really tired. I told Brent it was like a "rather not" of a cold. I wasn't unable to do things, I'd just rather not. Then we added a little more congestion. Then a little bit of chest heaviness. Then a headache. Still nothing major, but just an overall blah.

My period came. AGAIN. This make four months in a row and right back off the YAY! MENOPAUSE IS ALMOST DONE to ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?? And the last couple times it's come it's been pretty much symptom free. Not this time. I've got the bloating and cramping and breast tenderness of a woman in my peak fertile years...yay? And, oh yeah, the mood. I'm assuming it's adding to the mood. Maybe not. Who the fuck knows at this point?

And I don't think it's making me crankier than normal but the political scene coupled with my crankiness is making it more challenging not to yell at people online.

Seriously...

Greta Thunberg is a 16 year old who is motivated to try and make a change in her and OUR world. This is something we should be applauding. Instead I see adults who have done NOTHING with their own lives belittling her. What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Does she make you feel that insecure? Try being inspired instead. I mean, get a group of your peers together to spark a movement and speak to the UN on how all of this sciency stuff makes you feel bad about your oversized pick-up which is supposed to make you feel nothing but compensated over your undersized dick.

Our Executive branch...god where do we start? Ukraine? Barr trying to get other countries to investigate OUR OWN AGENCIES? Or the fact that Republicans are busy explaining why this is all cool, cool, cool. I mean...honestly.

And I get it. Saying, "hey, you know what, maybe Trump was a mentally unstable manchild who has no limit to his narcissism all along" is a tough thing to do. It means someone else was right. And that's a tough pill for a lot of people to swallow. But try it. It's really freeing.

Not just admitting that Trump is unfit, but the whole owning up to mistakes, or errors, or just general gaps in knowledge. It's great. Especially the admitting you don't know everything.

You learn a lot from people if you say to them, "I don't know this thing that you know, will you tell me about it?" They don't point and laugh, "HA! HA! I'm smart and you aren't!" They get all proud and excited to share what they know. People love sharing things they know about. It's true. And when people know that you are good at saying, "I don't know" when you do say, "I know this" they know that you know, you know?

And trust me, I know a lot of people out there that think I never admit to not knowing things. That I'm really bad at it. But it's because I know a lot of things. (insert a wink here) Seriously, I do know an odd collection of things. But there are a lot of things I don't know. And there are a lot of areas about things I do know about that I don't know as well. Just last night Brent asked me about the significance of the Star of David, I'm his go to for religion questions, and I had to tell him, I really didn't know. I knew it was a Jewish symbol, but not what the significance was, or how it came into use. Like you know what the cross stands for in Christianity, but where did the star come from? (Google session today)

But it didn't make Brent think, "Oh my god! I'm married to an idiot!" Or if it did, he didn't say it outloud because he's not stupid and, as I mentioned, I've been in a really bad mood.

So yeah, I'm in a really bad mood.
I'm waiting to feel better.
I'm waiting for the fog to lift.
I'm waiting for people to finally understand that Trump is a bad guy and nothing is worth voting for him again in 2020. (HA! Like his base gives a shit about him being a bad guy)
I'm waiting...

Because at this point I'm tired of myself.

I'm tired of being sick.
I'm tired of being cranky.
I'm tired of being sad. (though I know that one is going to come and go for a long time)
I'm tired of not being done and in menopause.
I'm tired of missing my motivation.
I'm tired of...

Ummm...

Listing out things that I want to just get over already.

Okay. That's over with.

Tomorrow will be better.

I mean it!