I'm Not...I Didn't...We Didn't...

I'm not cleaning house today. I'm going to do my best not to clean house this week. Like more than just normal keeping it tidy cleaning. I mean the CLEAN HOUSE cleaning. I did offer to go home with Christopher and clean his place. He's been doing a big sort and clean and I would speed that right along...

I didn't spend the weekend drinking, though I "joked" about doing it. More than joked, absolutely considered it. But I didn't.

We didn't fight. At least nobody fought at the service and nobody fought at the house afterwards or dinner that night. What happened when I wasn't around is a mystery but as far as I know everyone played nicely.



They've already started sorting Mom's things. Bags of things out of the closet were already donated or tossed. But the jewelry was waiting for all of us to sort through and pick and choose what we wanted. My mother had a queen size bed, the bed was covered. And there was a good sized table as well. And a couple of other jewelry boxes. And a box filled with just watches. And boxes like you'd find at Home Depot to keep small screws and such in filled with earrings who had lost their match but had never been thrown out. Just so much jewelry.

 This was part of the bed collection

Some of it I remembered from when I was younger. She had sets that she would wear for a time period and then move on to the next. So there were things that I absolutely remembered her wearing. There was a set of earrings that I remembered playing with when I was little. I would put a shirt on my head like long a scarf and hang those earrings from the inside of my ears and pretend I was a fortune teller. My sister said, "Take them!" I said, "I'll take a picture of them."

I would play with these for hours. I thought they were the fanciest things I'd ever seen.

There was the set that I remember her wearing when she would get really dressed up. There was a bracelet and earrings and at one point there was a necklace though that disappeared. The charm that hung from it was found and David is going to use that in a memorial piece he is making. 

The dressy jewelry. Aunt Carol took this set. It reminded her of Mom in the 60s as well.

I picked up a lot of the sets and looked at them.I tried on a lot of her rings, her fingers were bigger than mine so it was all thumb rings for me. Remembering Mom wearing some of them. Wondering if she had ever worn some of the others. She had a QVC Home Shopping Network issue and there were things that I don't think were ever worn. Just purchased. Her style was always more is more. I'm kind of minimalist by taste and by allergy. My metal allergy is significant enough that just handling all of Mom's things caused a reaction and I had to take out my own earrings. Yep, the metal that I can wear was like, okay if you are going to insist on handling metal you know you can't wear we're going to remind you what happens. It was crazy.

And then there were the books. Hundreds of books. And the knick knacks. She had owls, and angels, and hummingbirds, and Noah's Ark things, and stuffed animals, and these weird little things that move in the sunlight that I think would make a great Black Mirror episode, and Southwest inspired pieces, and...well there was a lot of stuff. So I'm not cleaning out my house right now. But it's hard not to. 

All it takes is a trip home to remember that I have addictions built right into my DNA. Food, alcohol, smoking, drugs, shopping, hoarding...it's all there. And believe me, I know that my reaction to it, my I'M IN CONTROL OF IT, is also an addiction. The need to have things clean. The need to have open, empty space. The too much then not enough around food. The almost paranoid level of control around alcohol.

It was a force of will to get a drink on the flight home. I had a couple on the flight down no problem but then as soon as I hit the funeral I was as sober as I've ever been. Not like I was drunk from the night before and sobered up but like the thought of having a drink wasn't a good one. I could see another stone cold sober stretch in my future, and it might still happen. As far as addiction issues go, not drinking isn't a bad one. But I don't want to be that tight about it. I rarely have more than one at a time. I generally only have a few a week. I don't have a drinking problem. But I do know that I could. I know that in the past I've walked right up to the line. I do know that it's in my blood. I know that my grandfather and all of my father's siblings were alcoholics. So I'm careful. To an extreme. 

I've gotten really loose with shopping lately. Like if I want something I'll buy it. That's going to be paused for a bit. When I feel like I can sort more things without the drumbeat of GET RID OF EVERYTHING playing in the background I will do some of that. And I will go ahead with my plan from last month to add things that I know I need, but first I will sort everything and make sure I don't already have things that I've forgotten about, or things that I can make work. And I will go back, after that, to really questioning if I want something or if I need it. 

As far as the not fighting goes, well I left town so that should make it easier on everyone. You're welcome, family. You're welcome. 

I'm not.
I didn't.
We didn't.

Whew...