Pushed Pause...

Saturday is the day. Finally. I don't suggest pushing off a memorial service if you can help it. Delayed grieving is kind of false hope. Mom has been gone for almost two months. Two months of moving along the grief path. Two months of being pretty sure that everything is really okay. Two months that are undone now.

It all started last week when a contemporary of my mother and father passed. Margaret Schrader was a big part of my life growing up. As much as I don't like the teachings of the church it was a family along with my own family. There were five or six really core foundational families in Ridgecrest. The Schraders were one of them. We all knew them, they all knew us. The kids were similar in ages. We all intermingled. Margaret passing would have been painful anyway, but having her service last weekend and then Mom's this weekend it was a lot.

My sister went to the service and she said just walking in to the church was difficult. Seeing people she hadn't seen since Mom died and getting their condolences was almost impossible. And lucky for her and the rest of us we get to do it all again on Saturday.

I spoke with my sister on the phone and we both cried a little while we talked. This is the first time that's happened. Not the first time I've cried over Mom dying, not the first time she has, but the first time we did together. All of the other conversations have been about what needs done, when, how, how much it costs. All of the practical things. But those practical things are winding up now. Now it's just the memorial service. Public grieving. We are both dreading it.

She likes to project strength and togetherness. Just always in control. Me? I like to share what I'm feeling. On my on time and my own terms. Here. Written. In one on one conversations where we are looking for a deeper answer, or a venting session to lighten a load. Sure, that works. But in public? Like me personally not just my words? Ugh.

I've said it for a long time, I don't want a service. Nothing. Not at all. I want you to have your own private goodbye, but nothing public. I don't care for them, and I don't want to subject anyone else to them either. And yes, I get it, the service isn't for the deceased, it's for closure for those left behind, but you can get your closure without public crying. It's okay.

But do it as soon as you can after I die.

Seriously.

Don't wait.

Don't think that there will be a perfect time to say goodbye because I will already be gone. All you will be doing is delaying what you need to deal with. It doesn't make it easier. It just pushes pause.

And that's what I'm feeling right now. That we just delayed what needs done. And the delay didn't make it easier. It made it harder. Healing was happening and now the scab is breaking. The stitches didn't hold. The wound is fresh again.

There were good, valid reasons for holding off on the service, but if you have a choice, don't do it. Don't push it too long. Start that next part of healing and grieving as soon as you can. Say goodbye. Learn how to move forward with the grief instead of waiting, pretending you don't have to.

Because I feel that right now. Like we were all pretending. Maybe not Susan and Jeff because they lived with her so the loss has been daily, but the rest of us? We just kept going like everything was normal. But it wasn't. Saturday I will go to my parents church for what might be the last time, I will say goodbye to my mother then I will go to her house. But she won't be there. And that reality is finally setting in.

I'm still fine.
I still believe it was her choice.
That she wanted to be with Dad.
That this means she's not so terribly lonely anymore.

But...

Two days until I say goodbye. Three days until I let her and Dad go for the last time.

And the clock starts again.