Old Habits...

Being a child of the 80s and growing up with diet culture and thin equals healthy and nothing tastes as good as thin feels and fat shaming and no positive body representation it's very hard for me to not equate my weight with a good day or a bad day. 

And since I am heavier right now than I like to be it's been quite a few bad days. 

So I'm doing something I've tried in the past, without much success, I'm going to just stop stepping on the scale. It tends to make me anxious to not do it though, like I feel like I'm out of control just by not paying attention.

Disordered eating, it's the gift that keeps on giving. 

But I think I've found a way to work around it. No Weigh May. 

You all know I love a rhyming challenge. 

And because it's a set amount of time I think it won't trigger that feeling of losing control.

I think.

And I know, a lot of people have thrown out their scales and never been happier. I am not one of those people. But I'd like to be. 

I'd like to never ever consider what my weight is. I'd like to be one size for clothes and never shift. I'd like to not equate my size with my health. And I am trying. I really am. 

But it's years of conditioning to overcome. And it's been really hard. 

Brent and I have talked about it and he is the same way. Really easy for him to tell people, "Are you healthy? How is your blood work? How is your fitness?" and then tell them to not worry about the weight if everything else is good. And yet, he still freaks out about his own weight. 

I am the same. Be healthy. Be happy. Love the body you are in and appreciate everything it does for you. 

YOU, not me. Don't be ridiculous. 

But because I know that I have these challenges, and these triggers that can lead me into literally starving myself, I am careful at least. I pay attention to what is setting me off. And I try. That's a huge change from my youth. But I'm still not completely there. I'm not sure I ever will be and I try not to beat myself up for that either. But I would like to be better about it. To love myself a little more. Not have that be dependent on what the scale says.

So this is going to be me trying. 

No Weigh May.