On Pedestals...

I've talked about pedestals before. Specifically about when men say things like how women should be on them. I hate the expression. The only way to get on a pedestal is for someone else to place you there and the only way down is to be knocked off. Today in the Margaret Atwood MasterClass she added another bit for me, "There's limited space on a pedestal."

So good. You can only move so far. You can only do so much. Being on a pedestal is just a way of being limited.

It makes me crazy.

Somehow women are supposed to feel honored or cherished by this whole "I think women should be on a pedestal" idea. I don't. I see it as just another way of trying to control women. To make them somehow separate from men. Put them up there, knock them off, limit their movement.

I see it right now in some of the ways we are dealing with and talking about the me too movement and the believe her movement. It's a swing too far in the other direction. It's not that you have to believe women all the time, it's that your default shouldn't be not believing her. It's not that women don't lie. Some of them do. Just like some men do. But you need to wait for the rest of the story before settling on lie. Women aren't some sort of magical faerie creatures that should be held to different standards, it's just that we've held them to the wrong ones for so long (not believing them, thinking they are never really a victim, somehow it's their fault, or that boys will be boys so they can't be blamed) that now we are going too far the other way (thinking they are never wrong, never mistaken, always the victim, all offense is the worst offense).

There is an aspect of this reflected in victim blaming. Or more accurately in shutting someone down by saying that they are victim blaming. I've talked about this before as well. If someone is raped that is not their fault. Doesn't matter where there were, what they were wearing, what they look like, how much they've had to drink, none of that matters. If someone rapes them the fault is with the rapist. HOWEVER...that doesn't mean that we shouldn't teach people to be aware of their surroundings, to not take a drink from a stranger or even leave one unattended in a strange place. This isn't victim blaming, this is victim prevention. Yes, indeed, the overall message should be don't fucking rape people, however, we have rapists out there and we need to make sure people are protecting themselves.

No matter what is going on we need to talk to our people about protecting themselves. I talked about doing this when C turned 21 and I asked him not to do a pub crawl. That I felt it was too risky. I didn't think he was around bad people, but a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time can make people do things they wouldn't normally do. And very drunk people are easy targets for criminals. It wasn't the safest thing for him to do. I told him why, I left the end decision up to him. But none of that was shaming or blaming it was prevention.

Personal responsibility.

Take ownership of your space.

We have got to stop thinking of women as having no agency. That somehow they can't speak out about things that make them uncomfortable. Women have voices and can and should use them right now. And yes, it's scary. And yes, we've (women my age and older especially) not been socialized to do this. We've been taught how to make it easier for everyone else. We've been taught not to rock the boat. We've been taught that we won't be believed. But we need to change that right now.

Own your space.
Own your voice.
Don't let anyone try and flatter you into being less than. (the whole pedestal route)
Don't let anyone shame you into not passing on your wisdom. (teach others how to be safe as well)
Listen to other stories with an open mind, which means if the story isn't true you accept that as well.

Women need to be taken as seriously as men. Women need to be held to the same standards as men. Women and men should be treated equally. That's what we all should be striving for.

Equality.

No pedestals required.