Do You Even Know Me?

So this sort of goes along with the blog I wrote a few weeks ago about being misunderstood.

I had someone say the funniest thing to me today. They said one of the things they really admired about me is how comfortable I am in my own skin.

I laughed out loud.

Which made me glad I was reading it, instead of hearing it face to face. Laughing in someone's face is pretty rude. Though I did respond with a typed HA! So...

But anyway...I laughed. And I thought you obviously do not read my blog. One thing I am not is comfortable in my own skin. I am constantly battling my weight issues. Too much, too little, way too much. Rinse, repeat. Now with the added benefit of age so the things I used to do to lose weight are not even working to maintain my weight and it's just steadily climbing which is making me INSANE. In fact I had just reached the decision this morning to take off the next few weeks of even focusing on what I eat or don't eat  AT ALL because it's just making me mad that nothing is changing that needle from its upward climb so if I want to eat ALL OF THE THINGS I might as well eat ALL OF THE THINGS instead of being slightly cranky about not eating ALL OF THE THINGS and still gaining a  few pounds.

deep breath....

So anyway, back to the comment. I laughed. And I explained, that no, no I'm not. Not in as much detail as I did above, but just that I'm not.

And they said they knew that I worked at my weight. They knew that I had issues around it. They knew that I was obsessive about it. But that's why they viewed me as comfortable in my own skin. Not because I don't struggle with body image but because they knew all of that. I don't hide any of that from anyone.

Oh. I see.

It's not my skin I'm comfortable in, it's my skin. Got it.

My skin as in who I am. My own self. Not my skin as in what I wish I could look like. My outward skin.

Well that clears it up completely.

And actually it does. I am who I am. (channeling my inner Popeye) I made peace with that a long time ago. I have a few really odd quirks and some deeper things I'm neurotic about and it's all fine. It's part of who I am. I have zero fucks to give about being who people think I should be. Or doing what the world at large expects me to do. I know that we are all supposed to pretend that our lives are perfect and we hashtag woke up like this. But that's not me.

I woke up with my hair on one side of my head standing out to the side. My eyes were super puffy because I didn't really wake up like that. I had been awake for ages wishing I could fall back asleep because I am so damn tired but that wasn't happening today. Or yesterday.

BUT...I smiled at myself in the mirror because that's what I do. Smiling is a mirror emotion. Not an emotion you practice in the mirror but one that other people mirror when they see it. You smile at someone they smile back. It also is one of those things that makes you feel better just to do. Even if you don't have a reason to smile right then. So years ago I started making sure instead of giving myself nothing but critical once overs in the mirror I smile.

I worked out because I want to be healthy. And strong. And have great biceps. And be able to eat what I want. That last part isn't really working out for me anymore. Age and insomnia are working against me. But the health part still is. So I'll keep doing it. Muscle tone and a strong heart will see me through my dotage a lot more comfortably.

And I will keep talking about it. Because I'm obsessive about my weight and talking about it, putting it out in the world, keeps me from hiding it and doing destructive things to myself. So I guess they will continue to think I am comfortable in my own skin because I am comfortable in my own self.

 Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to eat ALL OF THE THINGS because I WANT TO so there....