Sunday, December 31, 2017

Recap Time!

Okay, here we are. The end of 2017 and time to see how I did on my yearly goal list.

Book Goal 55 books.
I just finished book number 57 so check!

Writing, this was a multi-parter. I needed to find my muse again and started the year with a writing exchange with Dana and then set a blog goal of 115. I later added another round of NaNoWriMoMo (National Novel Writing Month Modified). It was all a success. I exchanged work with Dana until we both reached the goals we needed to, I wrote (after this one publishes) 140 blogs and I finished out my NaNoWriMoMo with a plethora of blogs, fiction and non-fiction and a plan formed for 2018 writing. So Check!

Health was gym or home 5 days a week plus a bit more physical activity outside of the gym. And to lose a little bit of weight. So currently we are averaging (outside of holiday breaks) 6 days a week at the gym. You saw my mileage count on sabbatical days, and before the forest all caught fire and we were dealing with heavy smoke we were taking an extra exploratory hike/walk on weekends. Food wise I started really cutting back on our added sugar. So we changed in 2016 to be very careful of food-like substances and only eat real food, then in 2017 we cut out added sugar during the week and pretty limited on weekends. I ended up losing 13 pound in 2017 and about 18 inches all over; So Check!

Daily gratitude posts. Unless I somehow forget to do today's I've hit that one perfectly. It really did help, I think. I always practice daily gratitude but I think posting a few of them on Facebook every day helped keep me focused on the good even on days that might have not felt so great. So Check!

Picture of the Day. Still going strong. The Facebook algorithms still have it tucked deeply away in the land of forgotten posts most days but it's still been fun to do. And a few people have joined me here and there through the year and I love that the best. So Check!

Year Long List. Well...I got about half of the things on this list done. So that's a half credit.

Goof off time. So this one is weird. I didn't build anything in to my day to track it. I had some specific things in there that I wanted to make time for and I don't think I really did. I think I had a lot of wasted time, time spent doing things that weren't really productive but weren't really all that enjoyable either so I'm not going to give myself any credit for this one.

So overall I had 7 things on the list and I got 5 1/2. Not terrible. Could be better.

I'm most pleased with getting writing consistently again. I miss it when I'm not doing it. And secondly with the health aspect. Losing 13 pounds was great, and very needed. Working out with Brent has added a new challenge to my workouts, I am working harder than I was before, working with a partner you can't just pick and choose the things you like the most, you get a more balanced workout; for him he does more leg work than he used to, for me more shoulders and upper back. Cutting back on the added sugar has been a challenge but I also think all the research coming out about how damaging sugar is to our systems it was a really good move.

Tomorrow I will set out my new goals for 2018 and start tracking those.

I hope you reached your 2017 goals and have some great things to work towards in 2018!

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Thirty-One-Derful Years!

On our 25th Anniversary I wrote a blog with my solid marriage advice and what we were going to do to celebrate. Basically it was just keep going. Well today is our 31st so so far, so good.

I don't have any new advice. Just some more reflections. Some repeats from that original blog. Just with more time behind us. The past two years I've written a couple of status updates that sum up what our marriage is as well:

2015
I am moody, my pendulum swings from DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW! to ooh...look the couch molds completely to my body like a warm hug...

I am a brat. If you tell me no I will look you in the eye and do it anyway.

I have a mean temper. If you cross me you will be astounded how deeply and how quickly I can cut you.

I am insecure. I won't believe you when you tell me I am okay, however I will still want you to tell me all the damn time.

But if you ask Brent what I am like he will tell you that I am funny, I am smart and I am the kindest person he knows.

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the secret to a long marriage.

 Marry someone who believes they reached when you know damn well that they settled.

Happy 29 years to my better half. The one who really is smart, funny and kind enough to have put up with me for so very long (all while staying so very young looking). Love you.

2016
It stormed last night; wind driving the rain against the windows. At some point the storm entered a dream I was having and turned it to a nightmare. I must have made a noise or thrashed as I was waking up because without ever fully waking up himself Brent reached out in his sleep and put his arm across my back. My heart stopped racing, my breathing slowed back down and I fell back in to my dream. But this time I had a sword across my back and I wasn't afraid anymore.

For 30 years he has been my shelter in the storm. My shade from the noonday sun. My warmth against the cold. My Home.

Happy anniversary, Honey, I love you!

I think that these two hit on some of the things that I didn't make clear enough in the first blog. I said that you should marry someone who reflects back at you the best you can be, but I really mean that that is who they see. As I talked about 6 years ago I've not been a perfect wife. I don't think those exist, but I'm not giving myself slack for that. I could have done better. I didn't. But Brent gives me the benefit of the doubt. He sees me as being better than I see myself. He believes he reached. I know he settled. But I try really hard to be worthy of the reach.

Also, as much as I rail against the whole "safe space" thing in our current discourse, I believe in them. I believe your home should be your safe space. That place where you can be you, fully you, and the people love you anyway. He is my safe space. When the world is too much, people are too mean, or too stupid, he is my calm shelter. He is the hand on my knee when my temper flares and the shoulder to lean on when the emotions are all too much to bear. And I do my best to be the loving embrace he comes home to when people at work are difficult. Be each other's safe space. Make your home someplace you both want to be. And by home I mean the two of you. Home is where we are.

We still have an unconventional marriage by a lot of standards. We do pretty much everything together. We are a unit. If you invite me I assume you mean us. If you tell me something you should assume he knows as well. He is more than just my husband, he is my other half. And we've worked hard to get here.

It is the 65th anniversary of my parent's wedding tomorrow. They had the best example of a marriage I could ever follow. But also a really tough one to emulate. And I'm just now understanding why. By the time I was born there were already at year 15. By the time I was paying attention and have strong memories of them as a couple there were at year 20. I don't remember them ever fighting. They might have a passing disagreement but it was brief and civil. Because they had already figured it out.

The first years you are learning how to fight and how to disagree. By year 30 you have it pretty well figured out. So I was looking at an established marriage and thought that's how they all went. Imagine my genuine freak out when Brent and I first got married and had our first fight and there wasn't some sort of miracle now you're married balm that flowed out and made us not furious. I really worried that we were not going to make it. Because we fought. Married people shouldn't fight. Now I know that my parents had their fights. I just wasn't around to witness them. And they had their disagreements even when I was growing up, but they held them in private. You don't fight in front of the kids, it worries them.

Well, let me tell you, it worries them when they've not seen a lot of fights and they have their own as well!

Like everything else we are all doing the best we can and figuring it out. And what works for one couple might not work for another. I know C's seen his share of arguments between his parents, but I hope he's always seen that they weren't ugly, they were resolvable and they were things to learn from. No marriage is without conflict. No relationship is perfect. But if it's worth something then you work to keep it.

So at year 31 I have to add to my list of advice that you should disregard if it doesn't make sense for you...

Keep trying to be the person your spouse sees when they look at you.
Keep working on being the best spouse you can be for them and for you.
Find what works for you and your marriage and do more of that.
Give yourself some slack.
Keep going.

And you have to love your spouse even when they make puns like 31-derful years. ;-)



Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Reframing...

As I work on my latest set of goals for 2018 I was thinking about things I've done, things I want to do and things I should do. And it's that should do part that trips me up a lot. A friend of mine once shared her guru's words of wisdom with me, "Don't should on me and I won't should on you." Because should is not a great thing.

We should all do a lot of things that we don't do. But should isn't a want. Should isn't even a will. Should is a guilty nebulous of non-action. So I try not to should. If I find myself shoulding I do one of two things, I drop it off the list of things to do, because it's obviously not something I want to do enough to get it done, or I reframe it.

For instance for a long time I knew I should work out more than I was. I had a list of reasons, really good ones, for why I should do it. But I wasn't. I just didn't want to. So I had two choices, I could drop it off my list all together or reframe. I knew that dropping it off my list was a bad idea so I reframed. Working out wasn't something I should do, it was something I did. I treated it like a job. I show up, I do the work, I leave, not because I should be, because I do. It is a need not a want. It's a will not a should. Non-negotiable.

I also use it in thoughts not just actions. You know that negative soundtrack that plays in your head? What ever negative ideas about yourself that you've picked up over the years? You need to reframe those. And most of them are really easy to do. I say that knowing that it's easy to do but hard to get done. Only because most of those negative tapes have been playing for so long they are ingrained as a habit. "I'm slow." "I'm messy." "I'm not smart." Who put those there? Why are you listening to them? Every time one starts I want you to stop it, look at what is happening and reframe it. You aren't slow, you are methodical or cautious. You aren't messy, you are creative or busy, or not concerned with tidiness. When you hear yourself saying you aren't smart pause and reframe it to you just don't know that answer, yet. Reframe.

And don't just do it with your own soundtrack do it when people try to put you in their box.

One of the things I like most about myself is I don't really care what you think of me. I just don't. It's nice to be liked. It's nice when people say nice things about me. It's hurtful for a moment when someone is an ass to me, but it doesn't change what I think of myself. I know who I am and your opinion of me isn't needed for that.

For instance quite a few years ago I was having a discussion with a friend and I quoted a statistic. Then I thought, Hmmm...is that right? Well having this new fangled smart phone in my hand that I could use to look it up I did. And they said, "You always have to be right, don't you?" And I was like, "Yeah. Of course." But then they clarified that they meant it as a bad thing. I was a know it all. I don't view it that way at all. I have to be right in what I say because spreading wrong information is bad. That's what I believe. So yeah, I will look things up, I will research an idea, I will make sure I am right (as in my facts are correct) before I talk about things. I think that's a good thing. And their opinion of my know it all nature doesn't change that. In fact it was so odd to me that they would think it was a bad thing that it let me know that I couldn't trust what they were saying in an argument without verifying it on my own. Because if you don't care about being right then you will often be wrong. I'm not a know it all, I'm a need to know as much as possible. Reframe it.

Now, it doesn't always work. Give me a writer who doesn't swing from I'm a creative genius! to I am a talentless hack! And I will give you a freak of nature. But most days I can reframe that talentless hack in to a "I need a break right now" and if I can't then I whine to friends until it passes. But I'm aware that it's not really true. That it will change. Because I've reframed it multiple times.

So as we go forth in to 2018 I want you all to practice your reframing along with me. Pick your soundtrack of negative thoughts apart and start rewriting your script. Don't listen to other people who try and box you in to their ideas of who they think you are. Positive self talk. Real evaluation of your lists. And no shoulds.

Monday, December 18, 2017

Christmas Stories...

"I don't normally do interviews."

"I understand. I really appreciate that you are making an exception."

"You also understand that I will be reviewing the piece before publication? That is often a sticking point. I won't speak on the record until you sign that agreement."

"Yes, I spoke with my editor, and though it is highly unusual, she felt this scoop was worth the exception. However, we will be making note in the story that you made the request and did review before publication."

"That's fine. Transparency is important."

The reporter laughed, "Well you do know everything so I would imagine you would believe that!"

Santa raised a finger and shook it, "No, see, that's why I want to make sure I review your article, I've been misquoted so many times that people have the wrong impression of me all together."

"Wrong impression? But that's your job."

"That is NOT my job. Spying on people? Why would that be my job? Do I look like a spy? No I most certainly do not."

Santa got up and started pacing around the workshop.

"Look, a few years ago I was talking with one of your kind about what it was like now that Mrs. Claus and I had a few little elves of our own. I mentioned that watching them sleep was such a peaceful thing to do. Your heart just fills with love for them. And then I made a joke that they look so good when they are sleeping you forget how bad they were before they went down for their nap. Then we starting talking about the nature of goodness and the different forces that try to mold morality. I am not one for religion, you see, and I said that you should just be good for goodness sake. That there shouldn't be some reward you are reaching for, or an end game play. Good for goodness sake is it's own reward."

The reporter nodded.

"So you can imagine my surprise when all of a sudden everyone is singing songs about how I know when you are sleeping, I know when you are awake, I know if you've been bad or good and THEN they turn my founding belief, my moral compass in to some sort of threat, YOU BETTER BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE!" Santa shook his fist in a menacing way, "What was that all about? Spying? Threatening? All of a sudden instead of a jolly old elf, I'm a creepy spy guy who watches you sleep and is constantly judging you!"

"Well, I don't think people take it that way..."

"You don't think so? He's making a list? He's checking it twice? What is that all about? Like I'm suddenly in control of who is naughty and who is nice? And how would that even work? I mean, in one house the children aren't allowed to say shut up and two houses down they swear like sailors on leave and yet both sets of parents are okay with that. So who am I to say which child is naughty? The one that told his sister to shut up or the one that says his Happy Meal toy was a piece of shit?"

The reporter gave an uncomfortable laugh.

"See? It's not so easy is it? Parents determine who is naughty and who is nice. I don't get involved with that decision. And, yes, I will admit that some of this is my fault. I mean it was flattering to get all of the attention at first. Poems and songs and then TV specials. I really like that Santa Claus is Coming to Town one. I mean, it's not at all accurate, but at least I don't come off like a jerk like I do in Rudolf. AND that is all wrong too! I told one guy about putting a fog light on the lead reindeer and all of a sudden we've got a story about a deformed deer nobody likes and everyone is mean to until he's useful to them and then they all love him. What sort of fucked up messaging is that?"

"I, I g.g.guess...." the reporter stumbled.

"It's fucked up. I know, you are shocked to hear me talk like that, you'd expect it from my cousin, but not me. But sometimes you have to just say something is fucked up when it's fucked up."

"Your cousin?"

"Krampus. Yeah, we are cousins. He doesn't like to admit it, but we are related. We grew up in this business. He was pushed out first. People stopped being willing to admit their little ones were irredeemable and let him take them, he warned me that they'd come for me next, but I didn't listen. He was right. Now they all handle everything themselves. A small hand made toy isn't good enough for their precious little vermin so I'm relegated to doing mall gigs."

"Wait, that's actually you at the mall?"

"Sometimes. Sometimes it's people just dressed like me. Or what they think I look like. I actually got axed from a Macy's gig a few years ago when they decided that my real beard didn't look right and they wanted to go with a fake beard. What is up with that? I'm not Santay enough? ME?"

"So you don't do any toy delivery anymore?"

"Nope. Not since the days of one child one gift. And it's a damn shame, I tell you. My people were craftselves of the highest order. Hand carved train sets. Porcelain dolls with hand painted faces. Books written in the finest calligraphy with hand drawn illustrations. These were beautiful items. But, noooo, now it's little Johnny asking for a Playstation and 5 games. Wait, let me correct that, not asking. The parents send their little ones up to my lap and say, 'Tell Santa what you want.' TELL Santa, not ask Santa for a present, but TELL him what you want. You know what I want? I want Mom and Dad to not eat my damn cookies before I get there."

The reporter looked up from his notes, "If you aren't delivering the toys any more then why would you get the cookies?"

Santa cocked his head to the side, "Fair point. But still, they are set out for me. I should get a crack at them, shouldn't I? But it's all a moot point anyway. I haven't gone on my massive Christmas ride since the 80s. Missile Defense systems and unidentified flying sleighs don't work together."

"So you don't visit any houses on Christmas Eve anymore?"

"Nah, I hit a few here and there, but only local stuff. Anything I can take a Lyft to mostly."

The reporter looked shocked, "You use Lyft?"

"Ho, ho, ho" Santa gave a deep belly laugh, "Just pulling your leg there, sport. Nah, I have my ways of visiting with some of my biggest fans, but you know, there are fewer and fewer each year."

"So people have stopped believing in you?"

"People have stopped believing in themselves."

"What?"

"Back in the old days Krampus and I were a team. We kept the balance in life going. Parents trusted us to take care of things that needed taken care of. A small present for a job well done, a piece of coal as a warning to straighten up and fly right and the kid down the block who didn't head the warning being dragged away in chains to spend his life with Krampus in his castle."

"That sounds really bad."

"It wasn't. Not really. There were very few irredeemable ones. Enough to keep old Kramp's house clean basically, but not a lot more. Because people believed in being good. When they saw a child who was unkind they taught him better. No present. Just coal. It was a lesson. You don't get things for nothing. You need to contribute, you need to be kind, you need to be good, it's what makes everything work. And when everything is working the way it should you might get a little treat on Christmas morning."

"But isn't that against your own good for goodness sake code? I mean if you are being good for the present then you aren't being good for goodness sake."

"You are getting it wrong. You aren't being good to get the present. You are being good and you get a present. If you are just being good just to get something then you are really being selfish and that's no good for anyone."

"How did you tell the difference?"

"I didn't have to. The parents knew. They wrote letters to me and let me know. They believed in themselves as good judges of moral character. See? Then someone somewhere gave their child an expensive gift and decided to say it was from me and BOOM! all of a sudden it's all the rage. They started letting the kids write the letters. Santa bring me this. Santa bring me that. I've been good. Yeah sure you have, kid, like I trust you to tell me. But their parents wouldn't hold up their end anymore. You try and give them some coal and they freak out. Forget about letting Krampus take his share."

"Well, I'm sorry, but it seems like that is better. I mean letting kids be snatched away. That seems really heartless."

"Heartless? You would rather have that kid grow up to be a mean selfish adult who has learned they can be as awful as they want and nothing happens, in fact not only nothing happens but he gets rewarded? How about the lesson to the other kids around him. He is an asshole all year and Christmas morning comes and he gets a brand new Huffy Bike with the electronic horn and you, the kid down the block, who was really good get a set of Lincoln Logs, and not even the big set, the little one? What sort of message is that?"

"I guess, but it still seems the old way was pretty harsh."

"And I think the new way sucks. But I am obviously biased." Santa shrugged, "So what are you going to do?"

"I guess..."

"You seem a little at a loss. This isn't really what you were expecting, I'm guessing."

"No not really. I mean, I think I have enough in here to craft a good story, I'm just not sure it will ever get published."

Santa nodded, "I know. It's why I made you sign the release. If I hadn't you would spin this in to some sort of heartwarming tale about a late in life Santa reflecting on his greatest achievements."

"Maybe."

"All right, I need to wrap this up, I've got a shift starting in a half hour in Dubuque and I haven't even got the reindeer hitched up. Do you have any thing else for me before I go?"

The reporter wracked his brain for a moment to try and find something that could salvage his story, "You mentioned the Christmas movies, which one is your favorite?"

"Oh that's easy. How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I'm not in it at all. Just someone pretending to be me for all of the wrong reasons. And there is a good lesson about not needing so much stuff and well honestly it's mostly Max the dog that does it for me. He's a real cutie."

The reporter laughed. He could see his headline now, Nostalgic Santa Loves Dogs. Saved it.

"Thank you for your time, Mr. Claus. I appreciate it. And enjoy your shift at the mall."

"You're welcome, now on your way. And remember, be good for goodness sake."

And laying a finger on the side of his nose and giving a nod off to the newsroom he was disposed.

After the reporter was sent back on his way Santa got busy hitching up Donner and Blitzen to his sleigh to head off to Iowa for the afternoon. He knew there was no way he'd approve of that article being published, but it felt good to get it off his chest anyway. Maybe when he got home he'd give ole Krampy a call and see if he wanted to head North for dinner.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night....





Friday, December 15, 2017

Happy Birthday!

*phone rings*

Mom C calling

"Hello?"

"Happy Birthday!"

I laugh, "What?"

"Happy birthday, Jesus! That's what it is."

"You are a little early, that's next week."

"Yes, but who knows what I will be doing next week."

Thus started the phone call with my mother. Now I have to say that I honestly don't know if she had intended to start it with happy birthday, Jesus, or had started out thinking Merry Christmas and by the time I answered got it switched up with happy birthday. I just don't know.

But considering she called one of her grandsons "ole what's his name" and went through almost every male member of our family before getting to Brent's today I'm leaning toward it being accidental.

She's 85. These things happen.

Though growing up my full name included all of my siblings (including the ones that died long before I was born) and usually at least two of the pets before getting to Denise I am not sure. Names have never been her strong suit.

I've written about conversations with my mother before, they are almost always entertaining, and almost always in a different way. She says whatever pops in to her head and has zero fucks left to give what you think about that. Now, to be perfectly fair, my mother has never had an over abundance of fucks to give, but now she has zero.

Today we covered my sister going to the post office to send ole what's his name a package, she started to say something else about him but the dog distracted her so I missed what ever that would have been. I can only imagine! She talked about Christmas and who was coming over. She talked about the Christmas luncheon she and my sister and aunt were going to today with the ladies she volunteers with. She talked about my uncle and the fact that he is still driving and he should not be but what are you going to do? I'll tell you what I do, I don't ride with him, he scares the mess out of me! But what are you going to do?

She talked about the casino and the fact that you can Christmas shop there. Who knew?

I let her know about a death in the extended family that she did not know about and she promptly went in to the "all of our days are numbered, the bible says that, so we are all going to die" speech. Which I said, she was right, we are all going to die. I skipped mentioning that the bible doesn't really matter in that equation, we are all going to die because that's how it works.

She asked about Christopher and Brent's mother (getting Christopher's name right on the first try) and she asked if he was able to come home for Christmas. She told me that they never hear from another member of the extended family and even when he is in town they don't spend any time with them, just with his wife's family so that's just sad. I asked, "Is he in town?" She said, "Oh no, they don't come often, but when they do it's always with the other side, which doesn't make sense because they have a lot more kids."  I didn't point out that by that logic Brent and I should only visit with his mother when we are in town because she only has him and Mom has a lot more kids. I didn't think that would go over well.

And then she needed to go because they had to leave for her luncheon, which she told me about again.

She's 85, she can tell me about things over and over again in one conversation if she wants to. She can even tell me that both my sister and I are sweet girls without me laughing right out loud at her. As she is fond of saying, she doesn't know how much longer she has, so I will take ever mixed up second of what I can get.

Happy birthday!



Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Still Not Okay...

I was going to write this blog yesterday but a friend came over and we ended up visiting for a few hours and then I needed to get the prep work started for dinner so that was that. It was going to be a doom and gloom filled blog. Because that's what it felt like yesterday. Roy Moore was about to be elected to the Senate and I just couldn't believe it.

Then a remarkable thing happened. He wasn't.

He lost.

There were half a dozen things that had to happen for Doug Jones to win and they did. And Jones won. And hope crept in to my dark cold hard and I unironically posted a Roll Tide!! and went to bed happy for the state of Alabama, and happy for the rest of us. Amazing. People did the right thing. Because, as it was stated over and over, this wasn't an election based on Left vs. Right it was an election based on Right vs. Wrong. Roy Moore was wrong. So wrong that you made that "I smell something bad" face when you talked about him. Just wrong. And Alabama saw it too. So wonderful.

But...

Then came the cold light of day. Alabama didn't stand up and say, "Roy Moore is not okay." African-Americans in Alabama said, "Roy Moore is not okay." Breaking it down by demographics and 63% of the white women who voted, voted for Moore, 72% of white men and here's the kicker, 73% of Evangelicals. Whereas 93% of black men, and 98% of black women voted for Jones.

White Christian voters looked at their options and went for the man who sexually assaulted teenagers. Which is what I was afraid would happen. And why I thought he would win. What I didn't expect was the huge turn out in the African American community, or the number of Republicans who would rather stay home instead of cast a vote, or cast a write in vote (for Nick Saban in a not insignificant number, roll tide).

It took a few disgusted voters and a massive turn out of others to keep Roy Moore out of the Senate.

Now, for those of you that might not care about the sex with teens angle, he had other things against him as well. He's a homophobe of the grandest order, he doesn't believe women should be able to vote, he was removed as a Justice (TWICE) for ignoring federal law, and the kicker, he thinks that the Great America was when slavery was in effect. And thank you, Mr. Moore, for that one because I think that one was the nail in your coffin. It was the one that mobilized a community of voters against you. Because the exit polls showed they weren't voting for Doug Jones, they were voting against you. They saw you as an embarrassment and a dangerous choice and did what they could to prevent you from being in the Senate.

Which is how it should work. You see someone who is unfit for office you do what you can to prevent them from getting there. Even if you have to vote for a candidate that didn't particularly inspire you. Because that's what you need to do. (Yes, I'm still giving a few of you side eye)

But here is what I was going to write yesterday. The Republican Party has lost me. Now, I'm not a Republican, so you can say, they didn't have you so... And that's true. But that's not what I meant. I mean, what the RNC did when they backed Moore AFTER the accusations came out, when Trump campaigned for him as head of the Republican Party. And what those White Evangelical Voters showed by voting for him is that I really can't do my version of "good people on both sides" speech. If you are still identifying as a Republican after all of this I will believe that you support these sorts of people. That there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

It started after Trump won. Last year before the election I spent time with friends and family members who are Republicans. And most were disgusted with Trump. Some before the Access Hollywood Tape and some after. I had family who said they couldn't vote for him, he was too morally bankrupt. I had a friend who in October after the tape said as the father of daughters he couldn't do it. It was too distasteful. And after the election they all owned up to voting for him. Gleefully in some cases, religiously in others. "Thank God for President Trump." It inspired a few "I see you" posts and blogs. It was like they thought by saying that he was a piece of shit before the election I wouldn't notice that they voted for said piece of shit and were now ignoring that THEY had believed he was a piece of shit and STILL voted for him and now somehow because he won that piece of shit was no longer a piece of shit.

I was angry at the people who voted for third party because they didn't like Hillary enough, but at least they didn't vote for Trump. They still made the selfish bargain that they would feel better not voting for either one instead of doing what needed to be done to keep him out of the White House but I tried (still trying) to understand that somehow they believed she would be just as bad in her own way.

But there is a difference in going third party because you just cannot vote for either candidate and voting for the person who you yourself think is morally corrupt. 

And then to double down on Roy Moore? Which the RNC did. And the White Evangelicals in Alabama did? What the hell?

So yeah, just like Sandy Hook broke me with gun control, the past two election cycles have broken me with Republicans.

My last big blog on guns was a month after Sandy Hook. Then when nothing was done, except to loosen more gun laws, I posted that we love our rhetoric more than our children and I was done. And I was right. We had the worst mass shooting in American History (outside of military actions) in Las Vegas and do you know what legislation has been passed? Not outlawing bump stocks which can turn a semi-automatic into a functions like automatic weapon. Not anything that would flag someone who was assembling an arsenal of weapons. Not anything that would track ammo. But a reciprocal concealed carry law. So that if your state allows concealed carry permits by just filling out a piece of paper with your name spelled correctly, you can conceal carry in to any state in the union, even if their law is that you have to actually know how to use your damn gun. Because we love our guns more than we love our people.

You can't convince me otherwise because we show it over and over again.

And right now, until and unless something changes, I believe that Republicans love that R more than they love anything else. Including their daughters. Including their gay friends. Including their non-white friends. Including their own moral compasses.

You can be a conservative and not be a Republican. You don't have to vote for whatever sleaze they shove at you. You can be better than that. But as long as you are proudly calling yourself a Republican, I won't believe that you are.

You finally broke me.

Monday, December 11, 2017

Making a List...Checking it Twice...

I have SO much to do!

Okay, not SO much to do, but a few things to do.

Today's list is set. Grocery shopping, butcher shop, a couple random stores, some household chores. When I was driving home from the gym I had a PLAN! Take a shower, write the grocery list, start the laundry, run the errands, grab some lunch as a treat, head home. BOOM! That even leaves plenty of time to write in the afternoon.

And yet, here it is, 12:30 and I've done exactly two of those things. I did shower. And I started laundry. But then I read a lot of random news stories. I played two games of solitaire. I berated myself for not doing the things that I said I was going to do then I decided to write a blog "real quick" to clear my head which was supposed to be after the errands, and really it was going to be a new fiction piece. So yeah...I'm killing it today.

I still need to do all of those things, and I'm pretty sure I will get to them but...

Procrastination is one of my worst qualities. I just find so many things to do that getting to my list of things I really want to do today doesn't always happen. I see an article that looks interesting, or I decide to play a quick game while I wait for the last few minutes of the laundry cycle to pass, or I start thinking about a story I am going to write and before I know it an hour has passed. Or more.

I also know that right now the procrastination is strong because I am already thinking about next year and what I should do there. Specifically if I am going to bite the bullet and go back to work. I don't want to, but I feel like I've been letting Brent carry the financial weight and it's not fair to him. But I also know that after this long out of the work force anything I contribute is going to be almost symbolic. So is it worth doing?

I mean, there were times when C was little that we figured out after childcare and the extra expense of two workers I was making just a couple dollars an hour, and we NEEDED those couple dollars. So I've worked for less, is what I am saying, this time it would just be money toward retirement savings instead of child care. So trying to decide if I should or shouldn't. Do we need the money later that much or can I cut spending now to make it better? Which I have already started. And if I go back to work it really puts a shift in the way we live our lives right now. I lose all of the freedom to take care of things without planning (as I am showing I prefer to do) and I can't just travel when Brent can, I would have to plan vacation time and would I be bored since any job I'm qualified for now is a crap job? Can you go back in as a junior go getter at almost 50? Especially after being top banana in the bunch at 40? So yeah, I'm stressing a bit about what should just be a suck it up sunshine decision. But I HATE suck it up sunshine decisions.

Okay, anyway, onward!
Today's revised list!
Wrap up the Whining Blog
Change Laundry Around
Write Grocery List
Butcher
Men's Wearhouse
Ulta
Grocery Store
Keep thinking about Santa story for blog
Try to stop obsessing about a job you don't even have yet

And BREAK! GO! GET TO IT! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! SEE ME GO!

Really...I'll get to it...just one more quick check on Facebook...

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Break Time....

Melinda flopped in to a chair at the break room table. She took her glasses off and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"Long day?" Jules asked.

"The longest. After a week of long days. Maybe a month of long days. It's my own fault. I took a little time off and now I'm struggling to catch up." She paged through the list on her clip board. "Only 200 more names to go."

"Is this for Archives?"

"No, this is for Special Projects. I think they are looking at setting up a new simulation. I'm not sure, because I haven't actually run any of the data, but most of what I've been collecting seems to be very similar. I think they want to add in a few more variables to get a wider variety of experiences."

"Maybe. Or maybe they want to narrow it more."

Melinda looked puzzled. "Why would they do that?"

Jules tapped her clip board, "If you get too wide of a variety it's hard to predict the outcome. That's what I've been seeing in my collections. I think they are looking at limiting the options so they can predict the outcomes a little more tightly."

"Hmm, that's an interesting idea. But wouldn't that be noticeable in the sandbox? If the outcomes were predictable then there is no point in having the experience. I would think the patterns would start to become visible."

"Why would you think that? You just said that without running the data yourself you are seeing the outcomes in your collection all seem very similar. Do they seem to be aware of it?"

"You're right. They don't. Each one thinks their experience is unique. Very interesting."

"But that's just a guess. I am probably being cynical but if there were fewer outcomes there could be more automation and less need for hands on interventions."

"You think this is all about downsizing?"

"It's happened before."

"Well that would suck. Research myself out of a job."

Jules reached out and patted Melinda's hand, "You would still have a job. Data collections is always fully staffed."

"But I wasn't planning on staying in data collections forever. I was hoping to move up to supervising, or even programming."

"Have you ever met someone who moved out of data collections?"

Melinda rubbed the base of her nose again, "No. Not personally. But I imagined that it was possible."

Jules nodded, "Anything is possible. But you are in data collections, look at what is probable."

"Crap."

"Sorry to bum you out. Tell me about your time off, that had to be fun right?"

"It was. I spent a few days in the Archives looking up a tying string in some of my data collection."

"Oh, it wasn't really time off, time off. It was a side project for Special Projects?"

"Sort of. It was a pattern I thought I recognized and Rosario said I could go explore the idea a little bit if I wanted to. I thought maybe that was a good sign for being considered for Special Projects, but now I'm thinking it was just further cementing me here in Data Collections."

"Is it really so bad? I mean, what project are you working on?"

"Best Day Ever."

Jules laughed, "Really? You are collecting data on their best day ever?"

"I am. And you would be surprised on how many of them are pretty much the same. Births, weddings, a lot of sunsets. A really surprising number of sunsets. How in the world can a Best Day be about the very end? But that's what people remember. Like I said, a surprising number of repeats."

"It will be interesting to see what they conclude."

"What about you? What are you working on?"

"Ready? This is what made me laugh, I'm doing Worst Day Ever."

Melinda laughed, "That is funny! What a weird coincidence."

"Surprisingly I have a lot of births, weddings and sunsets as well. One experienced as the best day and one as the worst, that would be interesting to delve in to a little deeper. But I have a lot of other things. Some of it is really horrific, some of it I feel like I should make sure they are understanding that I am asking for the worst."

"How are you handling it? I mean, I'm overwhelmed and I'm asking about Best Days. How are you handling Worst Days?"

Jules shrugged, "It's just data. Their lives in the sandbox aren't really real, right? I mean they think they are, but it's just programs they are running. I can't really be upset because," she paged through her clip board, "Subject 24's worst day was a glitch in the program that caused his dog to run away and be hit by a car. It was horrible for him, but as he is not real and his dog isn't real then it's not really all that tragic is it?"

"But they are real. I mean to themselves they are real."

"But are they real to you? I mean, honestly, do you think they are real?"

Melinda thought for a moment, interacting with them felt real. Sure they would have no memory of it when they were placed back in the simulation. But they seemed real. Some of them seemed almost as lifelike as Jules. And they seemed to be having a lot more unique experiences in the sandbox than she was in her own life. She had worked in Data Collections for 2,700 years, every day the same routine. Collect information from the subjects for Special Projects or Continuing Projects or Archives and that was that.

"I think they are interesting. Sometimes I think it would be more fun to be one of them."

"To be one of them? With their limited capacity for data? With their best and worst days? With their dramas? Really?"

"Yeah, just sometimes though. Haven't you ever wanted a dog?"

"To get hit by a car? Their lives are programmed to be full of reactions. We are above that. Be glad of it."

"I guess so. Well, my break time is over, back at it. Only 200 more Best Day Evers to go."

Jules watched Melinda gather her things and head back to her interview room. Then she turned to face the small camera in the corner of the room, "Data Collection on 'Melinda' complete."

In another room two researchers wrote notes from Jules and Melinda and talked about their jobs. "Do you think they realize they are all just a simulation and their sandbox is just smaller?"

"Did you?"

Monday, December 4, 2017

Prosperity is as Prosperity Does...

After the passage of the Republican Tax Bill this weekend and then the quickly announced follow up that they will be attacking the social safety net next I just had to shake my head. When will republican voters ever get it that populism is an election tactic not a governing belief? I rail against members of my own family that continually vote against their own best interest. Why do you think this is a good idea? Do you really think that that million dollar salary is just around the corner and this will help you? It's not. It's your medicare that is under attack next. It's your social security that won't be there when you need it that is going away. But hey, Trump and his kind get to pass along even more than $11 million of their estate tax free. So...yay?

And yet, I have to admit that I also tend to vote against my own best self interest. If you count tax breaks and money as self interest. I vote for bond measures for schools even though I don't have a kid in public school right now. I vote to pay for public libraries when I can afford to buy my books and have internet in my home. I vote to make sure sick kids get health coverage even though my kid is an adult with health insurance through his work. I even vote democrat more than republican knowing that they would rather take more of my taxes to support social programs I don't need.

And that's the difference. I vote against my own best interests to help those with less than I have. My republican family and friends that vote against their own best interest to help those who have more than they have. For the most part, I do have a few in the upper echelons of income that are truly voting in their own best self interests monetarily, but the majority are paying for those benefits without reaping those rewards.

It makes no sense to me.

But then I think of what seems to be the prevailing philosophy and religion of the republican party right now. Ayn (like Swine) Rand and the Prosperity Gospel. It's a weird mixture considering Rand was an atheist who would have mocked the prosperity gospel with every fiber of her being. But they work very well together. Both believe, at their core, that they have more because they are more deserving than others. Randian philosophy says, "I'm smarter, I'm better, therefore I deserve more" the Prosperity Gospel says, "God loves me best therefore I deserve more" and both of them work to insulate the believer from those with less. Because obviously they aren't as smart, or as godly, or as deserving. If they were then they would have more. And it makes those that follow those beliefs stay trapped, if they aren't succeeding it's right around the corner, as soon as those freeloaders stop taking what they don't deserve, as soon as we get God back in to government, as soon as the others stop messing it up for us.

What a great scam.

Now I will have pissed off those that believe it because they will say that charity should be a choice and they will give to help those that need it, they just don't want the government involved. To which I say, bullshit. The percentage that actually give without a benefit is incredibly small. There are those that do, but most do not. Why do you think charities freak out when republicans start talking about doing away with the tax deduction for charitable giving? Because they know that without that tax benefit they will not receive that donation. People give because they can get. And very few people are content with the warm glow of doing the right thing for their giving.

And I also want to put in here a screaming rant I have all the time (Brent is shouting testify right now). Social security is NOT an entitlement program. WE paid for that. Along with Medicare. We paid for those benefits in our payroll taxes. I'm entitled to it, because it's mine. It's not an entitlement program like it's some sort of gracious gift. AND you (Congress) STOLE from the fund. Oh wait, sorry, borrowed without a way to pay it back. You did that. A part of why the fund is not going to be there for us when it comes time to retire is because you took the money. My money. Your money. Our money. They stole it. Sorry again, reallocated it. (so much side eye) So stop talking about getting rid of entitlement programs that you are not entitled to touch.

But because of their faith in the atheist Rand and the shoddy prosperity gospel republican lawmakers have you convinced that these are bad things. Social Security? Medicare? Bah! If you were just smart, better and more godly you wouldn't need them. You would have millions of dollars when you retired and could take care of everything yourself. While those dollars yo already paid in to the system were given to, well, millionaires for tax cuts so see how that's going to work out for you? It's really a win win.

Meanwhile, I'm looking at going back to work next year because Brent and I have reached the conclusion that none of the programs we assumed would be there when we started out our earning careers 25+ years ago will be there in 20 years. And we are better off than a lot of people out there. We have savings, we have investments, we have a lower debt load than a lot of people. We have more, we just don't think we have enough to live on once that safety net is pulled away.

I do not believe that having more makes me more deserving. I also have a really high opinion of my intelligence but being smarter than the average person doesn't mean I should get more, but it seems to mean I get it more. Stop letting yourself be scammed. Stop thinking you are one corner away from that million dollar pay out that is going to make all of this worth while. You are closer to taking the wrong turn and ending up with a medical bill that causes you to go broke. Stop thinking the god you pray to is a magic genie just waiting to grant your wishes. Read your bible and pay attention to the verses about the camel and the eye of the needle and the riches promised to you IN HEAVEN, as in you have to die first.

So I have decided to put out my own philosophy. The Prosperity Gospel by Denise (as in Oh Please).
It's simple really. Success is not measured by money. And there is no magic genie waiting to give you a winning lottery ticket. Be grateful for what you have and always know you are not better than those that have less, nor are you less than those that have more. Having is not the same as being. It takes more than a trickle to get that rising tide that lifts all boats. So get to lifting, sunshine.

And for the love all that we will now decide is holy, stop allowing people to redistribute wealth UP the chain! That's not how any of this is supposed to work!

So let it be written, so let it be done...

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Your Princess Is In Another Castle...

The dreams had started as soon as he reached puberty. His mother and father had been surprised but not completely shocked. He was half dragon fighter on his mother's side after all. Though there hadn't been dragons in the kingdom for at least two generations. But still, he was half dragon fighter, and apparently there was still at least one dragon left out there.

He dreamt of the castle it was guarding. He dreamt of the princess hidden inside. He could see her. Or at least her hands. She had the lovliest hands. Delicate fingers. Pale white skin. He had never seen skin so pale. Though when he thought of it during the day it made sense to him. If she was locked away in a castle she wouldn't see the sun.

He never dreamt of the dragon. He couldn't see it at all. When he asked his mother about the dragon fighters and their visions she had guessed that he was having dragon fighting dreams. He thought about lying to her, he didn't want to worry her, but he didn't. He told her about the castle, and the princess with the delicate hands. He also told her that he could not see the dragon.

His mother watched him speak. Listened to his dreams. He was afraid she didn't believe him when she seemed to have nothing to say. But the next day when he returned from school she called him in to her study. In front of her she had a sword and a book. The sword was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. It was gold and etched with symbols he didn't understand. The hilt was scrolled work with the largest ruby he had ever seen embedded in it.

"Today starts your training."

He reached for the sword and his mother snatched it away before he could lift it.

"You will train with a wooden blade at the start. Then steel. Gold is a soft metal. It is not for fighting. It is only for slaying."

"But how will I slay the dragon if I don't fight it?"

She smiled at him. "That's why we start with training."

She opened the book, paged through for a while then turned it to face him. "Start with reading this. It will explain the dreams."

"When do I learn to fight?"

She tapped the book. "Start with this."

She picked up the sword and left the room. His father met her in the kitchen with a cup of tea. "Well I wasn't expecting this."

"I wasn't either. I thought the dragons were gone."

"And him? Is he really going to be a dragon fighter?"

"He is having the dreams. The rest will be up to him."

"Do you think he will be able to do it?"

"We will train."

And they trained. They trained for months. The dreams kept coming and the details began to fill in. He could see the mountains around the castle. He could almost feel the bricks under his hands. He could see the sleeves of the gown the princess was wearing. And then one night he heard the scream of the dragon. Like the largest bird of prey he could imagine. The call vibrated through his bones. Raw, angry, terrifying. He woke in a cold sweat. His mother was standing in his doorway watching him. "I heard the call."

She nodded. "Then it's getting closer to time."

He thought it needed to come sooner. They had been training for a year already. How could the princess survive in the castle that long? How long should she have to wait for him to rescue her? His mother had explained that time was not the same in dreams and in life. And that what he was seeing was not of this time. Or of that time. It was of the right time. He didn't understand.

He continued to read the book. To learn about the dreams. For every dragon hunter called this is how it started. The dream. The castle. The call. But never the dragon. You never saw the dragon in your dreams. You had to be brave enough to face it unknown. Many weren't. The rescue never happened. The dragons sometimes won.

His mother continued to train him. He learned how to fight close in and at a distance. He learned how to see what was in front of him while seeing what was coming from the side as well. When he sparred with his mother he learned that she could see attacks from behind as well. "How do you know what is behind you?"

"You need to feel the fight, not just see it. Air shifts. Temperatures change. Dragons will not wait for you to see them to attack. You must feel the fight."

And so he trained.

"If the dragons were gone, why did you train?" He asked his mother.

"My grandparents did not believe the dragons were gone. Their generation had fought too many of them. Even though their children had not been called they did not believe that the dragons were gone forever. They knew they were tricky creatures and might well be hiding, waiting for the world to forget about them before they came back. And so they trained us as they had trained their own children. To make sure when the dragons returned our ways were not forgotten."

"Are you worried?"

"I am your mother, I am always worried."

"Is Dad worried?"

"Your father is not a dragon fighter. He is from the city where we were stories told to children before bed. For him we are as mythical as the creatures we fought. But when he met me he learned we are real. And we are fierce, but he was not scared for me. He is not scared of the dragon winning, because in the stories they told the dragon always loses. But even then, he is worried that they are back. And that you have been called. It's," she paused, "unsettling."

"Because I'm male?"

"Yes. Because you are male."

They continued to train. The years continued to pass.

He had more dreams. Now he was used to hearing the dragon's call. It was familiar to him. No less awful but now he did not wake in terror when he heard it. In the dreams he continued on his journey to the top of the castle, to his rescue. He saw the battles he would face on his way. Where the traps were. What was waiting for him. He used all of his training and skill and made it to her, he would see her hands. And then he would awake.

And always his mother standing in the doorway to his room watching him.

Finally she brought him the golden sword. When she placed it in his hands he could feel...he looked at her, "What is that?"

"The beat of the dragon's heart."

He looked down at the ruby. It was pulsing light. "This is a dragon's heart?"

His mother gave him a sad smile and nodded. "Yes, you cannot slay a dragon if you do not have their heart."

"Do you think I'm strong enough to slay the dragon? I am only half dragon fighter."

She watched him for a while. Silently. Then she took the sword from him. "Which half?"

"The half from you."

"But which half is that? Is it this half?" She touched the sword to his right shoulder. "Or is it this half?" She moved to his left.

He laughed. "Not half like that, you know what I mean. Dad isn't a dragon fighter. I am only half."

She didn't smile. "You are my son. Do you feel as if only half of you is mine? I remember carrying all of you inside my body. I remember raising all of you to be my child. Not half. You are no more half dragon fighter than you are half loved by your mother."

He nodded. He understood what she was saying, and yet, he still worried. "I will be all that I can be."

She didn't tell him that would be enough. Sometimes the dragons won.

He slept without dreams. Dark and deep. Not moving. His mother watched from the doorway. His father stood next to her. "Is it time?"

She watched him breathing deeply, "Yes. It's time."

He took the gold sword strapped to his side. He took the daggers he would need for the creatures on the stairs and he strapped those to his wrists. He took the machete he would need to cut through the thorned forest surrounding the road and he hung that from his belt. He put on the thick leather gloves that would protect him from the poison in the thorns. He strapped another short blade to his belt to attack the wild animals that lived in the garden. He put on the pack that would carry food and supplies for the trip. His mother looked him over and made a few adjustments to his clothes and his weapons. "Do you have everything you need?"

"Everything I have seen in the dreams I am prepared for, and I have the sword for the unknown."

She nodded solemnly. "Then you are as ready as you can be. Good luck and dragon be damned."

He walked from the front door of their house on to a road that had never existed before. He walked down a path a hundred yards from his home that he had never seen. The veil between his father's world and his mother's had shifted and now he was no longer just a normal child, he was a dragon fighter. Though he had not been a normal child since the dreams had begun. In the years that had passed since the first dream he had grown to be a young man. But more than a young man. A dragon fighter. He was as fierce and as focused as his mother.

He camped on the side of the road. He started a fire. He ate the food he had packed. Then when he was fed and warm he rested while leaning against a giant tree. He knew he would be safe here because he had seen it all in his dreams. The fire died out and he closed his eyes and slept a deep dreamless sleep.

The next day he fought his way through the poisoned thorns guarding the path, he battled the wild animals in the garden, he slashed and parried with the creatures guarding the stairs. He fought them all successfully. And as he moved each step closer to his rescue he heard the dragon screaming in frustration. He knew he would face it soon enough. And he was ready.

He opened the door at the top of the stairs. She was sitting in the shadows in the corner of the room. He could see her hands in the beam of sunlight coming in from the window. She stepped forward in to the light, "Are you here to rescue me?"

He caught his breath. Or lost it. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was as pale as the moon, yet glowed like the sun. Her eyes were as dark as night but held the stars in their gaze. Her hair was long and dark and she wore it like a cloak around her shoulders. Her voice felt like honey on his skin. Warm and thick. She held her lovely hands out to him.

He stepped toward her. Now was the time of the most danger. The dragon would sense he was stealing the captive. He waited for the scream. She moved toward him narrowing the space between them. He could feel her. The air shifted. The temperature changed. Recognition dawned in her eyes, "Oh so you know?"

Her pale hands turned to talons and she slashed toward him. He stepped back reaching for the sword at the same time pulling it free. He could feel the vibration as the dragon's heart beat faster.

"Lovely, you've brought me a gift." Her hair shifted and wings sprung from her back, she was ready to take flight. He looked at her beautiful face one last time and then brought the sword up and in to her chest.

The soft metal should have bent. The gold should have never been able to pierce her skin. But the heart pulsed and the blade struck home.

The dragon screamed and fell to the ground.

He stood looking down at her lovely face. He pulled the blade from her chest, then he looked around the room. The princess must still be trapped. He felt another shift in the air and turned ready to fight. He spun quickly holding the sword in front of him, when he turned the stone fell from the shaft hitting the stone floor and shattering. He was defenseless against another attack, he began to panic but then saw it was his mother standing in the doorway watching him.

He watched her for a moment as she took in the scene in the room.

"She was the dragon, not the princess."

His mother nodded. "Yes."

"She called to me because I am male."

"Yes."

"She thought I wouldn't be able to do what I needed to do."

"Yes."

"Are you here because you thought I wouldn't be able to do what I needed to do?"

"No."

He looked at her standing in the doorway, "Then why did you come?"

"Because you forgot this." She held out a box to her son.

"For the heart."

"Yes. We will need to repair the sword and for that we need a dragon's heart."

He opened the box and did what needed to be done.

Because he was a dragon fighter.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

The Void...

I know I said I was hoping to wrap up the month with a juicy fiction piece but one didn't come to me. Though don't lose heart, depending on how many words this piece ends up being, and my rants are usually shorter than my stories, there is always tomorrow!

So dictionary.com threw some massive shade this week when it made "complicit" the word of the year. You might remember Ivanka saying she didn't know what complicit meant and trying to define it as being a force for good. Umm, no. Senator Jeff Flake said he was resigning because he could no longer be complicit in what this administration was doing. And numerous stories around the sexual abuse scandals have come out about how many people were complicit in keeping them silent.

So complicit is the word of the year.

When I saw that I gave a smirk smile. Because it sums up what I've been feeling all year. You all know I've had my moments of being tired of screaming in to the void. Of trying to find the right words to say to move people. To bring some sort of understanding of actual facts over tweeted lies to the forefront of discussions. I've dropped people off of my friend list because I was tired of having to take a deep breath before looking to see what idiotic "people are saying" thing they posted. And I've been so sick of it all that I have come up to the brink of just shutting up and deleting all of my social media and my blog page and just going away for the next however many years this nightmare lasts.

But then I don't.

Because someone tells me that what I say has made a difference to them.

Because I see a story that shows me that I'm not the only one out there railing against the wind.

Because I refuse to be complicit.

And silence to me is being complicit.

This morning our illustrious leader tweeted out videos from a right wing extremist group from the UK. Two of the videos were debunked as false and one of them is unknown as to what it's even from. This is old information. I was already familiar with two of the three because they had been posted by assholes and debunked as false. But our president looked at them, knew the source, and retweeted them. Then his press secretary came out and said, "Whether it is a real video, the threat is real... That is what the President is talking about, that is what the President is focused on is dealing with those real threats, and those are real no matter how you look at it." When Sanders was asked again about the fact (THE FACT) that the videos are fake and the source is horrific she doubled down, "I'm not talking about the nature of the video. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. The threat is real, and that's what the President is talking about."

So the threat is real and we are going to show you fake videos to prove it.

Fake videos from a right wing extremist group.

And can we just talk for a moment about how "right wing extremist" should make conservatives FURIOUS? You should be fighting against these people. Washing them from your ranks. Remember how when Antifa "protested" here in Portland after the election and broke things, and spray painted things and rioted against the police and I posted on my status about how WRONG they were? How they didn't represent the majority of progressives and how disgusting their actions were? THAT is what you need to be doing with people who claim your side as their side. Stop being silent.

Earlier this week the President of the United States stood in front of a portrait of Andrew Indian Killer Jackson and used the slur Pocahontas, to Navajo Code talkers.  WWII heroes. Now, I would have given him a pass on the portrait. It's in bad taste but possibly an honest mistake. Possibly. Maybe nobody in the White House right at that moment knew about the Indian Removal Act and the Trail of Tears. It could happen. I guess. I mean I've met adults whose education was so piss poor they didn't know. So maybe...

But then Sanders came out to defend him. It's ridiculous that anyone could think of Pocahontas as being a slur, and really isn't the offensive thing that Warren claimed her heritage as Native American to advance her career? Why weren't they focused on that? Well, let's break it down. NUMEROUS Native American groups have REPEATEDLY stated that they view the President's use of Pocahontas to refer to Senator Warren as offensive. So there's the first part. It's a slur because he is using it as such. He is mocking her by calling her by the name of a famous Native American woman. And secondly, it was reported on. It was investigated. She didn't use it to gain an advantage. Harvard used it to look more racially diverse than it was but she didn't use it to gain any advantage. And the real kicker is, she didn't lie. It's her family lore. Being from New Mexico I know a lot of people who claim Native American heritage but not the benefits or the tribal inclusion. There are a lot of family stories about people passing. Hell, I have two in my family legend. I imagine when I get my DNA testing back that those will be shown to have just been legend, but growing up I was told about them, so I'm not lying when I say, my family thinks this thing.

She's not on the Dawes registry, if the family story is true she's probably a very small percentage of Native American, but it still doesn't mean she's lying. It means that's her family story. So no, I don't find it offensive that she has a family that believes itself to have Native ancestry (even though I laughed at the Cherokee part, everyone who thinks they have Native blood but doesn't have a still intact lineage goes Cherokee).

But even if she did lie. Even if she claimed to have been raised on the reservation, even if she was a giant piece of shit, guess what? That doesn't excuse what he did. And it doesn't excuse where he did it. And it doesn't make him any less of an ignorant fool to have said it and done while he was supposed to honoring those men.

And that is why I continue to rail. Why I continue to shout in to the void. Why I still run at that wall full force. Why I refuse to sit silently. Because there are people out there that want you to ignore what he is doing, what he is saying, how he is behaving, and what the cost of that behavior will be. And as things progress I want to make sure I can stand and say, I was not complicit.


Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Thinking about 2018...

I know, we have one of the busiest parts of 2017 left to go, but I can't help it, I'm already thinking about next year. Specifically goals for next year.

I've started reviewing my 2017 list and I will write up the formal recap of that at the end of December but suffice it to say that it's been its usual mix of hits and misses. But since I am wrapping up a few of the "big ticket items" I am starting to wonder about next year.

I have one more book to read for the Goodreads challenge, I'm pretty confident I will make that, and because of NaNo I will zoom past the Blog number goal.

But because those are done or nearly done I'm starting to wonder about next year.

What should I be aiming for? I like the reading and writing numbers because, though I love both, I can get a little lazy about them. I like the fitness goals because they give me something to focus on when I'm not feeling so healthy about how to manage things. You know I believe you should know what your crazy is and how to manage it. Weight is one of my obsessive areas. I also have my calendar with the stars that I did last year. I liked it. (If Brent were reading this he would be making his fake shocked face) I like getting a gold star for my day. It's another area I can be obsessive about. But if I set up the things I get stars for when I'm in a good place, the stars are good things.

I also just ignored two of the colors pretty much. They were things I felt I should be doing more of, but even with the allure of a pretty star they didn't make me feel that I wanted to do them.  So if I keep the star chart I will be reassigning stars next year.

Which then leads me back in to the circle of what should I be thinking about for next year? Or I guess more accurately what do I want to be focused on next year?

I don't know yet.

You know there will be writing and reading and fitness on the list. Maybe just keeping the status quo for those things, though I've already got a goal in mind for writing, kind of a two part thing.

I really want to work on the house some more. I picked out a living room color over a year ago and have not found my motivation to paint yet. When I realized I had no motivation I decided I was going to hire it out but when I got the quotes back for painting everything that needs to be painted I decided I better look for my motivation again! I also want to do something with the basement. I'm using it for storage right now and that might be what it ends up being but some of the things I'm storing I don't need and won't need ever again so I shouldn't be storing them.

Building on the success of last year cutting back on sugar and adding Brent to my gym work out after sabbatical I was thinking about cooking becoming a set goal. The way that logic train moved was we cut sugar last year which changed the way we eat during the week. It took awhile to get in the flow but we did it. It was good for us and we are still doing it. Adding Brent to my gym work out means that we go in the morning before I take him to work. That means no Starbucks breakfast on lazy days. I cook every weekday morning. I get up, I make post work out smoothies, I make breakfast, we go. It's not a negotiable thing anymore because I don't have time for lazy Starbucks and workouts with Brent. I am thinking I should treat dinner the same way. As just what I do. I know, I know, I have tried so many times to get in to that groove, but if it keeps coming up in my head then I will keep thinking I should try.

I don't have Sabbatical to plan for, which is a bummer, but I do want to make sure we take at least a couple of vacations. Hawaii is generally on the standard list but our "want to" list keeps growing. Maybe make some long term plans for places we want to go and start knocking those off?

And there are things that I think about a lot, enjoy doing a lot, and yet don't seem to ever do enough of. I know I'm not the only one who is like that as well. Why do we do that to ourselves? I like going on hikes. But I talk myself out of it all the time. It's too hot, it's too cold, it's too rainy, it's an inconvenience, I don't think Brent likes it as much as I do, on and on and on. But I love doing it. I was in a pretty good groove for awhile getting us out on Saturday walks, but then the fires hit and the smoke was too much. That is a valid excuse. I will give myself that one.

And we are still thinking about dogs and cats. I am torn on that one. I have loved all of our pets over the years and a big part of me misses the companionship. But I also love the freedom of not having a furry one depending on us. We can travel without finding someone to take care of them. We can stay out late, or all day, or leave early, and it doesn't affect our pet. On rainy days I don't have to go for a walk. On lazy days I don't have to scoop litter.  And the house stays much cleaner. No puke patrols. It's nice. But it's also not nice. So I am still torn on that one.

So I'm thinking about 2018. Which is all well and good but right now I need to get back to 2017 and the 4000 or so words I still need for NaNo, and the things I've let slide during NaNo that need taken care of, and the half dozen or so events in December we are going to, and the Christmas shopping and meal planning that needs to be finished and...

Well, 2018 sure looks great though...

Monday, November 27, 2017

Power Plays...

He had been a "go getter" in life. Which he liked to joke was a "go get her" as well. He had built his empire on a life style idea. That men should have the best and shiniest toys, the fastest cars, the priciest art work, read the best books, have collections that made other men envious. And that women were obviously a part of those collections. He published his magazine as a paper altar to the god he worshiped. An idealized version of himself. The cosmopolitan man. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him. That was his creation. And he would tell everyone that he was a self-made man.

She had spent her life as a symbol. And what she symbolized varied from person to person. Was she the struggling ingenue? Was she the hot sex symbol? Was she a savvy business woman or a hapless in love, drug addict? She was whatever people wanted her to be. But she made that self-made man what he was. 

When asked about the pictures that launched his magazine she said, "I never saw a dime. He made a fortune selling something he had no right to own. He never asked permission from me. I never even got a thank you call."

See she was his first cover girl. His first "all nude!" centerfold. The pictures had been taken years before she was famous. Before she even had her name. Yet another man who saw her not for herself but for what he needed from her. She had been young and trusting. He wouldn't sell those shots. He was practicing for some art shows. He would never do anything to hurt her. And besides, if she helped him with those pictures he would give her the head shots she needed for free. She trusted him.

Later when she had her new name and was "somebody" the photographer sold those photos to the "go get her" for a song and he built his empire on her body. Without even a thank you call.

But most people didn't care about that. They assumed she got what she deserved by posing for those pictures in the first place and he got what he deserved by being smart enough to buy them. And, well, didn't we all win by being able to see them? After all she was beautiful and what harm did it do?

When she died, drug overdose or CIA murder, again, take your pick as to how you wanted to see her, she was buried in a mausoleum. Shelves of bodies in eternal storage. One of her ex-husbands had flowers delivered to her grave twice a week until he died. It was said he never got over how their marriage had ended and he had never stopped loving her. His last words were supposedly that he would finally see her again. Romance or guilt, you could take your pick.

The "go get her" man bought the space next to hers to be buried in when he died. "This way I can be next to her for all eternity." He loved to show people the paperwork. "When people visit her, they will see me. When people visit me, they will see her. We will be tied together forever. It's perfect." Again, nobody had asked her what she wanted. 

When she died her legend grew. But she became even more of a blank canvas. She was a tortured genius. She was a hot mess. She was a star. She was a whore. She was what you wanted her to be. But she was always beautiful. She died too young. Nobody knew who she would have become.

He lived a long time. Past his prime. He outlasted his empire. He outlasted the time where women wanted him and men wanted to be him. He lived long enough to be ridiculed for both ideas. His playground revealed in the bright light of day to be something you regretted touching in the darkness of night. He lived his final years as a caricature of himself.  But when he died all of that washed away and people remembered the decades past. The lifestyle. The glamour. The endless miles of young flesh he peddled without consequence. And then he was buried next to her. Without asking.

When he awoke to the bright light shining down on him, he wasn't surprised. After all he had lived a charmed life. Why wouldn't his afterlife be just as bright and shiny? He was greeted by a woman in a white lab coat holding a clip board. She had a few things to show him and to go over before he was released to live out his eternity. He wasn't surprised at this either. Bureaucracy would follow you everywhere. 

He was surprised at the tour. It was lovely. He had spent his entire life selling a lifestyle of perfection and only now did he realize how far short he had fallen in imagining what that was. The art on the walls was so beautiful it moved him to tears. The music he heard was so powerful it made his very being move with the melody. The air smelled like nothing he could describe. Fresh bread and fresh flowers and the forest and ripe strawberries and yet none of these things. Just air that made you happy to breathe it. That's what it was. Everything was filled with joy.

The people that they passed who smiled at his tour guide and looked at him with curiosity. They were filled with joy. The sights, the smells, the sounds, it was all reverberating with joy. And he knew that this was what his eternity would be. Filled with the joy that he had tried to imagine on earth but had not come close to. Not even in his wildest days had he understood this feeling. Even when the triplets were sharing his bed had he felt such peace. Even when they came to him for their spending allowances and told him how wonderful he was, none of that made him feel like walking behind this woman with this clipboard seeing these walls made him feel. This was paradise.

They came to a stop at the end of the hallways and she opened a door, motioning for him to go inside. She told him to disrobe and wait for his inspection. 

He knew what this would be. The time where he would be given his perfect body. He had noticed that everyone they passed on their way here had been perfection. All different ages, and shapes, and colors but still they radiated perfection. Any earthly damage would be taken away and he would exist in perfection and joy. He wished he could go back and tell everyone what it was like. What they really had to look forward to.

He disrobed and waited. The lights flickered and then the walls turned to viewing screens. Scenes from his life flickered past. The magazine. The mansion. The women. The men. There it wall was in technicolor glory. He smiled. It had been a good life. Then his smile faltered. There was the mansion again but the party was not joyous. It was dark. A woman was screaming no but no one was listening because, after all, what had she expected to happen after she posed for those pictures and went to that party and swam with that man? There were the triplets playing rock, paper, scissors, deciding who would have to go in and flatter him to get their money. There were the men who idolized him who were taking their own pictures of women. Of girls. Of very young girls. The room got darker. And then there were the pictures of her. The ones that had launched his empire. Her beauty filling up the walls. Then her dead body on the floor of her bungalow. The quote from him weeks later after he made his purchase, "I bought the space next to her because the one on top was already taken."

The room went dark. Then the lights were back on. Bright. Unforgiving. Standing in the middle of the room he looked down at his nakedness and he was ashamed.

He called out that he was sorry. He understood now. He appreciated the lesson. And now he was ready to leave this room.

He heard her voice over the loud speaker, "Nobody asked you."

And the videos started again. 


Explanations...

So the story I wrote yesterday I posted to Facebook with a disclaimer that "any resemblance to living family members was purely intentional" which led to some confusion that the conversation actually happened. So I want to clear it up.

Totally a fictionalized conversation. It came about because we kept reading all of these stories about how to avoid conflict at holiday dinners, and of course the number one suggestion was to avoid politics. It made me laugh because Christopher and I talk politics all the time. We mostly agree so it rarely leads to conflict. Sometimes it does, I'm a little more conservative than he is and I'm also more about keeping the peace if I can than he is. I know, right? That lets you know how progressive and aggressive he is.

But those articles did remind me of my family back in New Mexico. We saw them right before last year's election and we saw them this spring after Trump took office as well. And we never spoke of politics. I avoid them and will change the subject when it's brought up. Because it will lead to an argument and I don't want my limited time with them to be spent arguing. I am in the minority in my beliefs and I respect that. I am not going to change their minds, nor will they mine. The only time I even say anything about politics to my mother when we are talking is when she says something that I know is demonstrably false. A difference of opinion I gloss over, a lie I can't abide. But mostly I just stay quiet. Which is easy with my Mom and even mostly with my siblings.

But not with my uncle.

There are people in this world who love conflict just for conflict's sake. My uncle is one of those. The religion my family practices believes men are the head of the family. My uncle believes that means women should show deference to men in discussions about anything other than...well...I can't think of any other than but there might be one. My uncle also knows that I don't practice their religion or believe in their politics so I am ripe for an argument. He does his best to provoke one anytime we are together.

Including when I was home for my father's funeral.

I had been thinking about that while I read those articles.

Sitting in what was now my mother's living room instead of my parent's living room still shell shocked, as we all were right then and my uncle has Fox on the TV watching Glenn Beck who is working his chalk board with a passion showing how all of the ills in this world could be traced back to BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA! Now this was about a year and half in to Obama's first term. The economy was just starting to struggle back to breathing after the big crash. And my uncle starts in on how this recession was all Obama's fault.

I thought to myself, "Get up and go outside." but I just didn't have it in me to move right then. And seeing that I'm not biting my uncle turns up Glenn Beck (this was pre- oh I'm so sorry for ruining our country with all of my bullshit, Beck) and starts adding his own commentary to what is being written on the chalk board. I finally say, "You know he was left with Bush's mess right?"

Which made my uncle's face light up with glee. The opening he had been waiting for! "You can't blame Bush! This is all on Obama now!"

And we were off. The clean slate argument was made. The fact that Bush kept the wars off the books was pointed out. The lack of diplomacy vs. bomb dropping. I didn't get angry though, which made my uncle really frustrated. I just didn't have it in me right then to get angry. He was wrong, he was stating things that were wrong, I was correcting him, but I had zero passion about the exchange because, and here is the important thing, my father had just died.

Finally my mother, who had just lost her husband, had enough and announced that I hadn't even voted for Obama in the primaries. I had voted for Hillary. Which shocked my uncle so much he literally did the fish mouth thing...where it opens and closes and opens and closes with no sound coming out.

"I did. And I would vote for her again if she ran. I voted for Obama in the general, but I thought she would make a fine president. I think it's time to let a woman run the show for a while and see if we can get out of some of these man made messes."

And then I got up and went outside. I didn't want to be there when he caught his breath and went on about a WOMAN!

So the conversation in yesterday's piece was a work of fiction, but I can't call it a work of pure fiction because I imagined my uncle every step of the way. But you know it's fiction because as the main character leaves her mother tells her that SHE voted for Hillary, and please believe my mother did not vote for Hillary. I believe she voted for Johnson, but I won't ask because sometimes you need to believe what you need to believe. And sometimes you just need to get up and go outside.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Family Dinner...

"Vulva."

The dinner table suddenly got very quiet. It was almost as though she could now see the word floating above the centerpiece. Maybe flashing neon; VUL-VA, blinking off and on. If it had been a word balloon like in a comic her mother would have been desperately trying to erase it. As it was everyone stared, some at her, some at her uncle and some at their plates hoping for it to be over, or for it to explode in to a big argument; depending on the family member.

"Excuse me, young lady, what did you say?"

She almost laughed. It had been decades since anyone had called her young and she wasn't sure anyone had ever considered her much of a lady. It was just her uncles way of trying to remind her of her place.

"Vulva. You keep saying vagina and what you mean to say is vulva. Although that is incorrect as well."

"I am sure I am not incorrect. I mean to say vagina hats. They were out there marching in their vagina hats and it seems as though you approve of such vulgarity!"

"Vulva. You mean vulva. Think of it as rooms. The uterus is the main room, the vagina is the hallway and the vulva is the front porch and doorway. All of the area outside of the body is the vulva. The mons pubis, the labia, the clitoris..."

"That is ENOUGH! The dinner table is no place for such dirty talk."

"You are the one who brought up vaginas. I am just correcting you. You mean vulva. And the hats were neither one."

Her uncle's face was a bright shade of red that was making her aunt think about blood pressure medicine. "You are correcting me? I know what I saw on TV. They were wearing vagina hats and saying horrific things about OUR, yes OUR, yours too young lady, OUR president."

"They were pink pussy hats. Like cat ears. It was a play on words. Words the man you voted for who is, yes, all of our president, said."

"Don't use that word at this table."

"Don't use the word pussy? To describe cat ears? You are offended by that but not by the President saying he could grab them, meaning vulvas?"

"I saw on the news. Just like giant vaginas."

"Vulvas. And you might have seen a few people in costumes. There were a couple of those. But the hats were cat ears. Thousands and thousands of cat ears. A lot of pink but some beige and some tan and some black, as many colors of yarn and as many colors of women there were hats. But a sea of pussy hats."

"Cry babies, that's all. Couldn't accept the win and so they cried."

"No, Uncle Bobby, they marched. They let the current administration know that they weren't going to be silent. They weren't going to roll over and play dead for the next four years."

"You didn't see people marching when Obozo was elected!"

"You mean when Obama was OUR president, yes even yours, OUR president? And you showed him the deep respect you think Trump deserves? No, there weren't thousands of people marching in the street worried about their basic human rights being taken away. What you did see is an uptick in the sales of guns as the NRA convinced you he was going to take them away. And you did see the Tea Party rise. And you did see his very Americanness questioned."

"Nonsense."

"Yes, it was nonsense. But it happened. And now you are living the other side of the coin."

"It was vulgar. And now they don't want to accept how great the country is going. Jobs, the stock market, foreign policy. It's all better."

"Jobs have been going up for the last 6 1/2 years..."

"No! You don't get to say that this isn't Trump. Just like when Obummer took office and you tried to blame the crash on Bush, you don't get to give him credit for the recovery!"

"Do you think that when a president takes office they get a clean slate? Like everything that happened before doesn't count? Of course the crash started under Bush. The roots of it could be found as far back as Reagan and it was exacerbated by things Clinton did."

"The deficit ballooned under Barry!"

"Bush kept the two wars we were fighting off the books. Obama brought them in to account. You don't get to go to war for free. People needed to see the cost. Not that it mattered. You still want more war."

"We used to be respected! Barack Hussein Obama made us the laughing stock of the world!"

"That's not true either. He was well respected by other foreign leaders..."

"The ones that liked him only liked him because they could take advantage of him!"

"That's not true either. He was respected because he was a deep thinker and believed in diplomacy."

"Diplomacy! You mean showing your belly!"

"It's a different view. You believe in ruling by fear. Your man in the office spouts that as well. Though he is easily swayed by flattery and manipulated by insults. Twittier in Chief. Making up foreign policy on the fly. Casting insults via speeches and twitter then saying nice things face to face."

"He keeps them on their guard! Being too predictable is a bad thing. This way they never know what is coming. It's a good policy. Better than announcing everything we are going to do ahead of time and letting the enemy get the jump on us."

"Keeping people off balance isn't a great thing to do when you are talking about starting a nuclear war."

"Nobody is talking about nuclear war!"

"He did. He said he wasn't sure why we didn't use our nukes more often."

"Fake news! They press just manipulates things to make him look bad!"

"He said it, I watched the interview. The words came out of his mouth. How is the press manipulating him to say things with his own mouth?"

"Editing."

"You believe that?"

"He said it was true so of course I do. Why would he lie?"

"Because he lies about everything."

"Hellary would have been worse in the White House."

"We will never know. I don't think she would have been but she didn't win..."

"She didn't! You should keep that in mind! Most Americans didn't want her!"

"Again, not technically right. Most Americans who voted did want her but..."

"Doesn't matter! That's not the way the system works!"

"I know that. But you can't give him the majority when he didn't get it. He still won. But he didn't get the most votes."

Her cousin spoke up, "You claim to be a feminist and yet you would have voted for Hillary. She was horrible to the women Bill abused."

She turned and smiled at her cousin. "Remember Lisa Shenkle?"

"What? That was high school, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Lisa Shenkle is a Slut Faced Whore."

"Young Lady!" her uncle roared.

Her cousin looked down at her plate.

"Remember that?"

"That was a long time ago."

"Sandra told you that Lisa and James were making out. You confronted James and he told you it never happened. That Lisa was trying to steal him away from you and she was spreading the rumor to make him look bad. Who did you believe?"

"I was DATING James."

"And she is MARRIED to Bill."

"You believed James when you really knew Sandra was right. But you destroyed Lisa's reputation. People took sides and since you were popular, they sided with you."

"That's not at all the same thing."

"Isn't it? You were only dating James and you didn't believe Lisa first. That's what you are trying to say Hillary should have done. Believe the women who said that her husband was cheating on her with them, and then believe the woman who said he raped her. You expect her to be something that most of us would not be."

"What about you though? YOU should have believed the women."

"I will never vote for Bill Clinton. Ever. But I also will not hold Hillary or if her time comes Chelsea responsible for his shit. Pardon my language, Mom."

"But you voted for him in the 90s."

"I did. I did a lot of things in the 90s I wouldn't do now. But I believe that he wouldn't be electable now. People's attitudes have changed. Or at least half the country's attitudes have changed. Some seem to think that locker room talk is about sexual assault and electing a child molester is better than a Democrat."

"It is."

She heard her aunt gasp. Well there is was.

"Uncle Bobby, really? Did you just hear yourself? You just said that a child molester is better than a Democrat."

"Roy Moore has denied the charges, that's what I mean. He's better than the other guy because he will be a solid conservative voice and a vote."

"No, you agreed that better a child molester than a Democrat and you call me vulgar."

"You are being vulgar. With the sex talk and the disparaging of our president. You're just a special snowflake who..."

"I think we need to change the subject! How about dessert?" Her mother was trying to bring things back around.

She looked at her watch, "I really need to take off. I want to make sure I get to the airport on time. Thank you for dinner, it was lovely. Thank you for the conversation, it was entertaining. I love you all. Happy Thanksgiving."

With that she left the table and grabbed her coat out of the hall closet. Reaching in to her pocket she pulled out her pink knit cap. That day had been the first good day after a lot of bad ones. The first day she felt like she was walking on the right path again. The hopeful one. And it was also the day she promised to never keep silent again. Even if it meant she would have to skip dessert to keep the family peace.

Her mother met her in the hallway and gave her a hug. She whispered in her ear, "I voted for Hillary."

She sighed and smiled at her. "I'll text when I land."