Reframing...

As I work on my latest set of goals for 2018 I was thinking about things I've done, things I want to do and things I should do. And it's that should do part that trips me up a lot. A friend of mine once shared her guru's words of wisdom with me, "Don't should on me and I won't should on you." Because should is not a great thing.

We should all do a lot of things that we don't do. But should isn't a want. Should isn't even a will. Should is a guilty nebulous of non-action. So I try not to should. If I find myself shoulding I do one of two things, I drop it off the list of things to do, because it's obviously not something I want to do enough to get it done, or I reframe it.

For instance for a long time I knew I should work out more than I was. I had a list of reasons, really good ones, for why I should do it. But I wasn't. I just didn't want to. So I had two choices, I could drop it off my list all together or reframe. I knew that dropping it off my list was a bad idea so I reframed. Working out wasn't something I should do, it was something I did. I treated it like a job. I show up, I do the work, I leave, not because I should be, because I do. It is a need not a want. It's a will not a should. Non-negotiable.

I also use it in thoughts not just actions. You know that negative soundtrack that plays in your head? What ever negative ideas about yourself that you've picked up over the years? You need to reframe those. And most of them are really easy to do. I say that knowing that it's easy to do but hard to get done. Only because most of those negative tapes have been playing for so long they are ingrained as a habit. "I'm slow." "I'm messy." "I'm not smart." Who put those there? Why are you listening to them? Every time one starts I want you to stop it, look at what is happening and reframe it. You aren't slow, you are methodical or cautious. You aren't messy, you are creative or busy, or not concerned with tidiness. When you hear yourself saying you aren't smart pause and reframe it to you just don't know that answer, yet. Reframe.

And don't just do it with your own soundtrack do it when people try to put you in their box.

One of the things I like most about myself is I don't really care what you think of me. I just don't. It's nice to be liked. It's nice when people say nice things about me. It's hurtful for a moment when someone is an ass to me, but it doesn't change what I think of myself. I know who I am and your opinion of me isn't needed for that.

For instance quite a few years ago I was having a discussion with a friend and I quoted a statistic. Then I thought, Hmmm...is that right? Well having this new fangled smart phone in my hand that I could use to look it up I did. And they said, "You always have to be right, don't you?" And I was like, "Yeah. Of course." But then they clarified that they meant it as a bad thing. I was a know it all. I don't view it that way at all. I have to be right in what I say because spreading wrong information is bad. That's what I believe. So yeah, I will look things up, I will research an idea, I will make sure I am right (as in my facts are correct) before I talk about things. I think that's a good thing. And their opinion of my know it all nature doesn't change that. In fact it was so odd to me that they would think it was a bad thing that it let me know that I couldn't trust what they were saying in an argument without verifying it on my own. Because if you don't care about being right then you will often be wrong. I'm not a know it all, I'm a need to know as much as possible. Reframe it.

Now, it doesn't always work. Give me a writer who doesn't swing from I'm a creative genius! to I am a talentless hack! And I will give you a freak of nature. But most days I can reframe that talentless hack in to a "I need a break right now" and if I can't then I whine to friends until it passes. But I'm aware that it's not really true. That it will change. Because I've reframed it multiple times.

So as we go forth in to 2018 I want you all to practice your reframing along with me. Pick your soundtrack of negative thoughts apart and start rewriting your script. Don't listen to other people who try and box you in to their ideas of who they think you are. Positive self talk. Real evaluation of your lists. And no shoulds.