Thirty-One-Derful Years!

On our 25th Anniversary I wrote a blog with my solid marriage advice and what we were going to do to celebrate. Basically it was just keep going. Well today is our 31st so so far, so good.

I don't have any new advice. Just some more reflections. Some repeats from that original blog. Just with more time behind us. The past two years I've written a couple of status updates that sum up what our marriage is as well:

2015
I am moody, my pendulum swings from DO ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW! to ooh...look the couch molds completely to my body like a warm hug...

I am a brat. If you tell me no I will look you in the eye and do it anyway.

I have a mean temper. If you cross me you will be astounded how deeply and how quickly I can cut you.

I am insecure. I won't believe you when you tell me I am okay, however I will still want you to tell me all the damn time.

But if you ask Brent what I am like he will tell you that I am funny, I am smart and I am the kindest person he knows.

 And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the secret to a long marriage.

 Marry someone who believes they reached when you know damn well that they settled.

Happy 29 years to my better half. The one who really is smart, funny and kind enough to have put up with me for so very long (all while staying so very young looking). Love you.

2016
It stormed last night; wind driving the rain against the windows. At some point the storm entered a dream I was having and turned it to a nightmare. I must have made a noise or thrashed as I was waking up because without ever fully waking up himself Brent reached out in his sleep and put his arm across my back. My heart stopped racing, my breathing slowed back down and I fell back in to my dream. But this time I had a sword across my back and I wasn't afraid anymore.

For 30 years he has been my shelter in the storm. My shade from the noonday sun. My warmth against the cold. My Home.

Happy anniversary, Honey, I love you!

I think that these two hit on some of the things that I didn't make clear enough in the first blog. I said that you should marry someone who reflects back at you the best you can be, but I really mean that that is who they see. As I talked about 6 years ago I've not been a perfect wife. I don't think those exist, but I'm not giving myself slack for that. I could have done better. I didn't. But Brent gives me the benefit of the doubt. He sees me as being better than I see myself. He believes he reached. I know he settled. But I try really hard to be worthy of the reach.

Also, as much as I rail against the whole "safe space" thing in our current discourse, I believe in them. I believe your home should be your safe space. That place where you can be you, fully you, and the people love you anyway. He is my safe space. When the world is too much, people are too mean, or too stupid, he is my calm shelter. He is the hand on my knee when my temper flares and the shoulder to lean on when the emotions are all too much to bear. And I do my best to be the loving embrace he comes home to when people at work are difficult. Be each other's safe space. Make your home someplace you both want to be. And by home I mean the two of you. Home is where we are.

We still have an unconventional marriage by a lot of standards. We do pretty much everything together. We are a unit. If you invite me I assume you mean us. If you tell me something you should assume he knows as well. He is more than just my husband, he is my other half. And we've worked hard to get here.

It is the 65th anniversary of my parent's wedding tomorrow. They had the best example of a marriage I could ever follow. But also a really tough one to emulate. And I'm just now understanding why. By the time I was born there were already at year 15. By the time I was paying attention and have strong memories of them as a couple there were at year 20. I don't remember them ever fighting. They might have a passing disagreement but it was brief and civil. Because they had already figured it out.

The first years you are learning how to fight and how to disagree. By year 30 you have it pretty well figured out. So I was looking at an established marriage and thought that's how they all went. Imagine my genuine freak out when Brent and I first got married and had our first fight and there wasn't some sort of miracle now you're married balm that flowed out and made us not furious. I really worried that we were not going to make it. Because we fought. Married people shouldn't fight. Now I know that my parents had their fights. I just wasn't around to witness them. And they had their disagreements even when I was growing up, but they held them in private. You don't fight in front of the kids, it worries them.

Well, let me tell you, it worries them when they've not seen a lot of fights and they have their own as well!

Like everything else we are all doing the best we can and figuring it out. And what works for one couple might not work for another. I know C's seen his share of arguments between his parents, but I hope he's always seen that they weren't ugly, they were resolvable and they were things to learn from. No marriage is without conflict. No relationship is perfect. But if it's worth something then you work to keep it.

So at year 31 I have to add to my list of advice that you should disregard if it doesn't make sense for you...

Keep trying to be the person your spouse sees when they look at you.
Keep working on being the best spouse you can be for them and for you.
Find what works for you and your marriage and do more of that.
Give yourself some slack.
Keep going.

And you have to love your spouse even when they make puns like 31-derful years. ;-)