Friday, July 31, 2020

No Goal!

If I write a blog today and publish it then I will have written the most blogs in a month for this year. If I don't I'm tied. But if I get this one done then BOOM! highest total. Which if I were trying for goals would be so important, but I'm not so it's not at all important. I mean I don't really need to be checking those numbers at all. This is a goalless year, after all. 

Though I have to say that I didn't mean to drag EVERYONE along with me in my goalless year. I didn't intend for the whole fucking world to shut down to accommodate me. I appreciate the support, but it's a bit much. 

And, of course, we are on the edge of August so I am thinking about a new year for me coming soon. Not the January year start where I have switched most of my goals to starting just for ease, but the ones I look at starting or ending on my birthday every year. But since 2020 is a year with no goals does it mean I've failed if I start some on my birthday? Or is that different?

And I do know that I'm stating to feel antsy because of the whole plague shutting down the world and its normal rhythms thing so I'm looking for structure because it's starting to feel a little undone even within the undone way it is now. 

So really it hasn't been a good gauge for having no goals. 

I mean, it's been good on one hand, if I had strict goals and no way to complete them I would be having a really hard time watching all of my gold stars slip away. But on the other hand having no goals in such a squishy space is making me feel a little like a squish in my own right. 

And I am finding that I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do because I'm antsy. Like shop. Now, part of that is that we are spending ALL of our time here at the house so there are things we need. But it's also a little pop of different. Oh I will buy this gadget and it will be something new... Add that to the things we have been getting because Brent is home all day now and he needs things to make his work life easier and we have a garage full of cardboard that we are having to put out in batches because our recycle bin is constantly full. So I need to do something that keeps me from clicking BUY NOW! on Amazon quite so much. 

I also am not burning out my energy at the gym. Even working out most days it's not as challenging as lifting heavy things three days a week and sweating my heart out on the treadmill two times. But we just bought some weights and bands and so I'm hoping that will help. It should at least help in turning my bingo wings back into beautiful biceps...

And there is the phone games issue we talked about before. Did you know there is a game called 20 that you can play CONSTANTLY without having to wait for new lives? Well there is...and it's not a good idea to download it if you are feeling adrift because you will just drift right along on that...

And I get it, I really do. I'm very lucky to not have work and have young kids and such to try and take care of right now. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to stress. I don't have to go out. I don't have to explain to anyone why they have to shift their world. I'm not super social anyway so it's not like I'm just dying to go to a party. I miss sports and comedy shows and musicals and concerts but we are making due with recorded things instead of live. It's not perfect but it's more than fine. We have a really nice set up and have started do some things upstairs on the regular TV and other things downstairs on the big TV which makes those things feel a little different at least. 

But my normal schedule is still fucked. I'm doing what I can to not be in Brent's way during the day (he says it's fine and I shouldn't worry, but I can't help it, he's ACTUALLY working while I'm just faffing about so I want to honor his work space and try to keep as quiet as I can, even though some days that still doesn't really work, like today when I needed to dump ice for blanching and he was on a conference call...but you know, I'm trying.)

And I know, I know, still grieving and facing August knowing it's going to be a fucking miserable month and looking at the shitstorm of a world we are living in right now so that's not helping my antsy at all. I have zero control over anything (which, honestly, we never do and that at times is huge comfort but...) since I have zero control over anything AND I haven't put in any artificial things to control I'm really starting to feel a little overwhelmed. Under-stimulated and overwhelmed?

But anyway...publishing a blog today would make 16 for July and that's the most out of any month this year which would be a big deal if that sort of thing mattered to me this year. 

Which it doesn't. 

Not at all. 

Really. 

Stop laughing. 

Thursday, July 30, 2020

Grrr....

I am in a bad mood today. 

My first instinct is to say I'm irrationally angry. But that's not really accurate. Yes, I'm angry. No, there isn't one thing I can point to that triggered it today. But...I don't think it's irrational to be angry right now. 

What's the expression, if you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention? 

That's what it feels like.

The feds are still in downtown Portland making a bad situation worse. 

The current president is doing everything he can to cast doubt on our next election. Including not agreeing to honor the results and wanting to postpone the voting all together. 

The financial news came out today and the past quarter was even worse than it looked at first. And we still have no plan on how to right the ship safely. 

It's almost August which should be my favorite month but I know this year it's going to be chock full of suckage. Not the same suckage as last year, but suckage just the same. The firsts are always the worst and culminating in the first anniversary of a death is the pinnacle of awful. But I know I also have Matt's birthday to get through, and  the open wound of Ann's death that is proving to be really hard to move around. 

Because we are still battling the disease that killed her. Or at least some of us are. Some of us are pretending that it's not a big deal and people who treat it as such are somehow just fear-mongers or out to get the president or something...but no matter what you believe it's in the news every single day. I am finding it hard to move on and find peace because I can't move on. Does that make sense?

I'm also reading in my On This Day posts from 2016 when I was making like Cassandra and trying to warn people that I thought Trump could win. Arguing with fucking progressives about the court and its importance. Nothing frustrates me more than the fact that Democrats can't wrap their heads around how temporary a president is compared to a court justice. Those are LIFETIME appointments. LIFETIME. Ugh...And here we are again. I'm praying to a god I don't believe in that Ruth Bader Ginsberg holds on until we get a new president in office. 

I'd also love to be able to lend some of my pissed offness to a friend who is just sad right now. Her week has sucked in a totally different way than the collective suck we are all going through. She lost her job and had her divorce finalized in a one two punch. I wish I could give her some of my anger to help her move past the divorce pain. She's earned it; the anger. And I think it will get there for her. Then she will be able to burn through and move on, but right now she's sad and I wish I had the right words to help her not be. 

There are a few other things going on and they all add up to just being in a really foul mood today. 

So not irrationally angry, but still just fucking pissed off. 

Hoping this helps...

ALSO....

Blogger has changed their interface and it's driving me bonkers! 

Sunday, July 26, 2020

No Refunds...No Exchanges...

The first thought she had when she woke up was that she loved her house. And she should. She had designed it from first shovel full of dirt to last piece of furniture placed. It was her perfect sanctuary. 

She had gotten the land for a steal. The man who had owned it was desperate and she had cash on hand. The architect who helped her design it had done so for free as long as he could use it as advertising. She had allowed the interior designer to use photos for his website as well, even though she had only used him for his discount and had done all of the designing on her own. When all was said and done her custom built and designed house had cost less than anyone could have imagined. 

But that was the way her life worked. 

She was extremely lucky. Always. Things just worked out for her.

From the very small things, always a parking space opening just as she pulled up. To the very large things, the job she wanted was hers for the asking and with a larger salary than they had originally intended to offer. 

Her friends would hate her and how easy things were for her if she weren't so generous and kind. She was always the first to help when needed. She had provided refuge in her walls for anyone who had needed it. She had donated to countless fundraisers and charitable events. She wasn't selfish at all. So it was impossible to hold a grudge at how easily things came for her. 

Usually. 

Or at least for any length of time. 

She was content in her life. 

And she really loved her house.

That's what she was thinking when the knock on the door came. 

She should have been more startled. After all it was her bedroom door and she was home alone. But it wasn't the first time this had happened. It had been a long time since the last visit, probably 30 years, but it wasn't a thing you forgot. 

"Is it you?" she called out when she heard the knock. 

"Yeah." came the almost shy sounding reply. 

"Well come on in then."

The door opened slowly and he made his way into her room. The door frame had to flex to allow his bulk and her room itself had to expand to allow him to fit. But when you were dealing with the Devil himself such tricks of space were really small potatoes. 

She sat up a little straighter and fluffed the pillow behind her back before smoothing the sheets back around her. She might as well be comfortable. 

He paced a little at the foot of her bed. The air around him rippling out in waves as the physical world made room for him. She knew that even the bulk she was seeing wasn't all of him, as massive as he appeared in this world in his own he would be all consuming. Like, literally, consuming everything. Which probably should have worried her more than it did but she had made peace with her arrangement at 16 and hadn't wavered since. 

"Is it time?" She was surprised at how even she was able to keep her voice. She had expected at least 30 more years but you never knew when your time would end and she had always expected him to come collect personally. A time to rub it in maybe? That he had actually gotten the better end of the deal. She should have been upset. But she just couldn't muster it. She had had a good run. Her life had been comfortable. More than comfortable. What was it the kids said these days? Hashtag blessed? That's how she had felt. Even when the idea would make her laugh a little. Blessed. That was rich. 

"No. Not yet. But we need to talk." His voice was deep enough that she could feel it rumble in her chest. The sensation was like sitting near the tracks when a train went by. 

"About?" In all of the years since their original deal he had never stopped by just to chat. She had seen him, sure. He always wanted to make sure she knew he was around. When she signed the deed for the land her house sat on she saw him standing in the shadows. When her children graduated from high school and then from college as valedictorian and summa cum laude he had been there as well. When the shelter she helped finance through a series of almost miraculous investments broke ground he was there. She saw him often. But he never approached her or wanted to chat. He just wanted her to know he was there. That he did that. She would smile and nod his direction and that always seemed to satisfy him, he would nod back and then he would be gone. 

"Look, this isn't easy for me but..." he paced again. The ripples moving out wider and wider. She found herself reaching out to disturb the outer edge. Like you would burst a smoke ring. When she touched the edge she felt the warmth of his energy. Which, again, should have worried her. But the thought of eternal burning had never scared her. She wasn't sure why. It just hadn't. She touched the ripples again. This time she looked up and saw him shiver as she did so. 

"Don't do that please." 

"Sorry. What were you saying?"

"I need to talk about the deal we made. It seems as though there have been some complaints."

"Complaints? From whom? The deal was between you and me and I'm fine, and you have always seemed fine."

"You haven't exactly taken advantage of your situation."

She held her hands up gesturing at her room in her perfect house. "I think I'm doing pretty well."

"You are. Pretty well. But most people when given your deal really...well...go for it. They make a killing in the stock market. They buy up a lot of real estate and charge and arm and a leg to resell it. They gather a lot of resources. You've just well...this." He gestured around the room. 

"Just this? I love this house. I love this plot of land. I've loved my job. I've loved being able to provide the best things for my children. I've loved being able to help all of my friends..."

"See? There's the problem again." he interrupted her. 

"What?"

"You help everyone you know. And even those you don't. You've been helpful. That's not the typical deal."

"But there was nothing in our deal that said I couldn't. It was really very open ended what I could receive and what I could do and I think I've done very well."

"You have done good."

"No, it's well. I've done well. That's the proper grammar." She couldn't let that slide, even from the Devil himself. 

"No, I mean you've done good. You and I made a deal. You get whatever you desire and I get your soul and you turned around and only took what made you content and then helped other people. You've used our deal to do good. That's just not...well...it's not expected. We've never had a situation like that."

"And this is a problem?"

He sighed and paced again. 

She watched the ripples, refraining from touching them. Just watching her room bend to his will. It was almost dizzying.

"It is a problem. You are causing an accounting imbalance."

She raised her eyebrows. "An accounting imbalance?"

"Yes, think of a life like a series of debits and credits. At the end you look at the tally and your eternal soul's location is decided. Good deeds on one side, selfish ones on the other. It's a running tally."

"I didn't think that applied to me anymore. I mean I signed away the rights when I was 16. No more tally marks right?"

"Not exactly. It's more that selling your soul for worldly gain is such a large negative mark that nobody has ever worked off the debt. And most people who sell off their souls go on to accumulate a lot more negative debt. It's pretty standard for people who make these sorts of deals."

He paced some more.

"But you didn't do that. Yes, your life has been easy, which is what you asked for. But you didn't turn around and keep taking. You didn't seek revenge on your step father, who was the driving force in you making the deal in the first place. You just made the original deal and left. And then made yourself comfortable, just comfortable, nothing excessive. And then started helping. Nobody has ever helped before. Or at least helped anyone other than themselves."

"So does this void our deal?"

"No. It doesn't work that way if you remember."

She did actually remember that part. The first time they had negotiated he had given her a week to decide. To really think about it. Left her with a copy of Dante's Inferno to guide her choice. He really wanted to make clear that once she signed it was a done deal. No whining about being a child. No complaining when he came for her at the end of her physical life that she hadn't gotten enough out of the deal. It was ironclad. She had taken the week, because he insisted. She had looked over Dante's Inferno and had matched it to her own bruises and daily life and decided the deal was still a good one. 

"So what is the problem again?"

"The board thinks I've played favorites and let you get away with something."

"The board? I thought you ran things on your own?"

"Think of me as the CEO, but there is a committee, a group that came with me when we originally fell and they have a say in the way things run as well. It's sort of why we left in the first place, so we could have more say. Anyway, they think maybe I've turned a blind eye to you and given you some sort of pass."

"You haven't done anything. You've checked in pretty consistently, so no blind eye at all, but you haven't spoken to me in over 30 years so why would they think you had done anything?"

He looked a little embarassed at that point. 

"Wait, you weren't supposed to be checking in on me were you? That wasn't part of the deal."

"It wasn't. I just....Like I said, nobody has ever done what you've done when making this sort of arrangement. And I've made this arrangement with wide variety of people over the years. They usually keep acquiring power and money and prestige, but just for themselves, maybe a little for their family or for people who could do things for them. A little grease for the wheels. But nobody, and I mean it, nobody, other than you has taken so little for themselves and given so much to others."

She laughed, "And here I've thought that I should be doing more."

"Yes, that's what the board is worried about. Which is why we are going to terminate your contract."

"What? Wait. What happened to ironclad?"

"The board thinks that because I am compromised that there is a loophole to exploit in the original signing. They don't want to take away anything you've already received, and they won't punish you by making your life harder now, but they don't want you gaining anything else."

"And for this breaking I get what?"

"Well, as I said, you get to keep everything you already have. And you get the rights to your soul back."

"And if I say no?"

He made the mistake of looking down at that point. 

"I don't have to agree do I? You know I don't. They know I don't. And I already have the rights to my soul back don't I? That's really what they are mad about. I've earned my soul back. AND I've still got access to the benefits from our original deal don't I?"

"They could try to get this taken up in a higher court. And I'm not sure how that would go for you considering the original deal that was made. HE usually looks down on that sort of thing."

She shook her head. "He would look at the account ledgers right? That's what you said, it's all done on accounting. Good deeds, bad actions. How could HE argue with the facts and figures? And you don't want to do it anyway. I can tell. You're...invested. Or if not invested at least interested. I'm interesting to you."

He turned and bared his teeth at her then. Growling out loud. He should have been terrifying. But she wasn't terrified. She was impressed. It was a good show. But she knew. She knew she was fine. 

She'd always been lucky. In big things and in small. Maybe not always, but for the past 30 years for sure. 

She reached out and touched the edge of a ripple again. "Okay, now that that is out of your system, let's sit down and figure out a new deal that will make both of us happy. You've been very good to me over the years and I don't want you to lose you job over this. But," she touched another ripple and watched him shiver, "I also don't want you to think I'm just going to roll over on this."

He sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed. He remembered how calm she had been at 16 when she had first seen him. He might have been the Devil but she had already faced evil, and he wasn't it. That should have been his first warning he was negotiating from a position of weakness but nobody had done what she had done so he had been blind. And proud. 

He really was going to have to work on that pride thing one day. 



(Writing Prompt: You sold your soul to the devil years ago. Today he appears to ask a favor in exchange for getting your soul back.  Not exactly where this went, but it was enough to spark and idea and that is a big motherfucking WIN)

Saturday, July 25, 2020

Someday...

My On This Day feed in Facebook has been filled with cruise pictures from three years ago.

As most of you know an Alaskan cruise was one of those bucket list things. It also was something that took me ages to go ahead and book. It was expensive, first off. I have started getting seasick secondly. And third...germs.

You would hear all of the stories about people getting sick on cruises. Stomach bugs that would spread like wildfire.

It took a lot to convince Brent and me that we would be fine. But we took a lot of precautions on the boat. We didn't touch things. Like the handrails on the stairs, we would walk up and down without using them. We used the hand sanitizer stations every time we walked by one, and certainly before eating. We were just careful. And it was all fine. We didn't get sick.

We had a lovely time. It was a beautiful cruise and I recommended it to everyone when we got back. And I started thinking about taking another one someplace else. It was a nice way to see a lot of places without having to pack and repack and get on and off planes. It was really relaxing to sit at the front of the ship and just watch the ocean. The Alaska cruise is especially good for wildlife, but just the ocean is lovely to watch on its own.

Brent has another sabbatical coming in 2021 and we talked about taking a cruise for part of that time.

Then...

Well...

Watching boats get stuck at sea because no one would let them come to shore. Watching Covid then spread among the passengers who, again, couldn't leave. It made cruising go right back on the well maybe not list.

But he still has a sabbatical coming in 2021 so I guess Hawaii?

But to go to Hawaii (maybe, if they ever stop pushing the dates back) you need a negative Covid test taken within 3 days of landing. Right now it's taking almost two weeks to get results back from tests. Yes, the entire "I might be sick let me quarantine until I get my results" time. Unless you're the president who gets multiple tests (and I've said it before I think it's reasonable to test the president and those that come in contact) or if you are a professional athlete then you can get tested daily and get your results within hours (which, though I love my sports, seems a little unreasonable considering how long it takes for the rest of us to get tests and results). And if you can't get a test you have to quarantine for 14 days. And they are STRICT. You go directly to your quarantine location and you don't leave. No walking out to the beach, no stopping at the grocery store, no nothing.

So that doesn't really work.

So I'm guessing we might be pushing sabbatical travel to late 2021 at best or just not taking the mini-sabbatical this time and saving for a big one in 7 years.

That's really the worst of Covid 19 for me. The losing of travel. And shows. And sports. But mostly travel. We were SUPER lucky to have just come home from a big vacation in February right before all of this started. And I'm hopeful that Christopher will feel comfortable enough to fly home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. But with the new stories about how the antibodies seem to fade away he might not want to travel, and I couldn't really blame him if he didn't.

But that's where we are right now. In the holding pattern. Waiting for someday.

Someday when there is a vaccine. (In a year maybe?)

or

Someday when the virus has died off due to herd immunity. (Hoping we don't die off in the few years it would take to get there.)

or

Someday when we figure out the right combination of masks, hand washing, distance, personal Lysol sprayers or whatever that lessens the risk of contagion.

or

Someday when we crack the code on how to treat the disease itself so it's not a huge threat to some.

Someday.

Until then,

Wear your fucking masks.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance!

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Except For Your Four Fastest...

The Estate sale was this past weekend and it went well. They've cleared everything out of the house and taken care of all of that. Tomorrow the title company will come to us and we will complete the sale of her house. Her investment accounts were all transfer at time of death so that was taken care of as soon as we had a death certificate. We filed her 2019 taxes and will still have to do 2020 but that can't be taken care of until next year's tax time. We had two things we thought we were going to have to go back to Albuquerque to take care of and we've found work arounds for those so we don't have to do those in person. It's all been fairly smooth. I mean, there have been hiccups here and there and things that took longer than we thought they should, but honestly it's been less than two months since she died and we've (we meaning Brent) have pretty well taken care of everything.

So that's all gone really well.

Except for the part where she's dead.

And the part where there are still people refusing to wear masks to prevent the spread of a virus that kills people.

And the part where there are people who are sure this is all a hoax and nobody is really getting this, let alone dying from it.

And because of those parts, and the part where it's still ravaging our country we hear about it every day, multiple times a day...Hey! You know the thing that killed your mother? We're going to talk about it again.

Hey!! You know how your mother died? Well this dude thinks it's a false flag so we are going to talk to him!

HEY!!! Feeling any better? Well, look, we just wanted to talk again tonight about all of the people worried that their investments aren't doing well right now and fuck the fact that 145,000 people are dead and not coming back and we aren't even close to done with this...

So yeah. It's all gone really well and really smoothly.

Wear your fucking masks.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance!

EDIT:
Okay, just kidding...now one of the things we were going to be able to take care of remotely they've decided we have to do in person again. BUT at least it's not something that needs taken care of right away so it will sit for a year or so until we can safely travel again.

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Writing Process Stuff...

"I'm pretty sure I could have slept with him."  J

"You're pretty sure you could have slept with anyone." L

"No, but seriously, I'm pretty sure I could have." J

"Who are you two talking about?" M

"Do you remember the Petersons?" L

"I think so. Didn't Janie used to babysit for them our freshman year in college?" M

"Yep, those are the ones. They are getting divorced. Seems Mr. Peterson cheated." L

"Oh that's too bad." M

"No like, cheated. A lot. Like there are stories coming out now about how much he cheated." L

"Oh, wow. That's really too bad. Wait. So, Janey, you are saying you are pretty sure you could have slept with a serial philanderer?" M

"When I would sit for them he was always just a little flirtatious right?" J

"Creepy." L

"Okay, yeah, it was a little creepy I guess looking back. But at the time it made me feel sort of grown up. Like finally an adult because this man was flirting with me so I must be flirt worthy." J

"Old men flirting with young women isn't especially unique or odd." M

"Maybe not. But it was the first time it happened to me. But I was never really sure he was being flirtatious. Like maybe he was just being nice. He wasn't some boy in school, this was a grown, adult, dad." J

"Who apparently slept around. With a lot of people." L

"Okay, sure. But still. He flirted with me. I probably could have slept with him." J

"Are you like disappointed here? Is that what this is? Like you missed your shot? Because it sounds like you still could. And now with the bonus of him not being married and you being able to drink first." M



AND end...

That conversation was in my head as I went to bed last night. Janie has a name, the other two don't. And it doesn't really flow just yet. Or at all. But it was a conversation with other people and I am taking that as a win. And I wrote it down as encouragement to the rest of my bar people to show up and start talking. And to maybe straighten out what Janie really wants to talk about.

But I'm taking it for a win.

I KNOW BUT I'M DESPERATE FOR WINS RIGHT NOW, DON'T JUDGE ME!



Monday, July 20, 2020

The Company You Keep...

If you ever want to stop liking a sports team you should join their fan group online. It might take awhile but eventually you will look at the other people who like the same thing you like and start rethinking all of the choices that brought you to that moment.

And it's not just sports. It's pretty much anything you enjoy. There are people out there who take things to a whole other level. And often that level is really uncomfortable. At least for someone like me who isn't a capital F fan of pretty much anything.

I mean, I think I am, up until I join a fan group and realize that I'm not.

I don't root for a mascot on a hockey logo, I root for a team. So because I am fine (in fact, I'd prefer) if the Winterhawks changed their logo I am clearly not a FAN.

I don't care much about Neil Gaiman's and Amanda Palmer's marital woes. I wish them both well and hope they find some peace either with each other or without, but definite peace, I mean they share a child and that will never change. But because I'm not willing to paint AP as the world's WORST person I am clearly not a FAN of Gaiman.

There have been others. I've left more groups than I remain in. Writing, comedy, you name it, if I've got an interest I've sampled it, spent some time with a fan, excuse me, FAN group and thought...nope. And left the group.

Sometimes I've left with my original fandom intact, sometimes not.

Sometimes the fan base is so toxic that it just ruins the joy of the original thing. Thinking that other people who like the same thing you do are just awful makes you reconsider the original thing.

Then, of course, there is the flip side. The groups that seem to form up just to destroy things people like. The whole "this is why we can't have nice things" as a life mantra groups.

This is an American pastime for sure. As soon as something good takes over a media cycle the forces form to tear it apart. If someone makes an adorable dance video there is a group immediately searching past posts for anything questionable. And if there isn't then you get a generic, they are just doing it for attention. And? So?

It's exhausting.

And yes, I do know that some of you are thinking right now that I did this to politics for you. And I'm sorry for that.

I mean, sorry that you think I'm extreme and have ruined the pure pleasure of following politics.

I'm not sorry that I am passionate about it all.

Which is what I have to keep in mind with these other FANS in groups. They are passionate. They REALLY think this stuff is important. So it's my issue, not theirs.

And I've just talked myself back around to taking a deep breath and walking away from another group instead of engaging in a not really helpful way on a post before leaving anyway...

Well fine. I've shown again that I am typically a fan not a FAN.

Except of the following. I am a FAN of this:

Wear your fucking mask.
Wash your damn hands.
Keep your distance.