Ashes to Ashes

It all went wrong when they went to spread their mother’s ashes.

Though it could be argued that it all went wrong the day they found out the cancer had spread and the treatment wasn’t going to work.

Or maybe it all went wrong when the severe weather over the middle of the country prevented the middle daughter and older brother from getting home in time to say goodbye.

But it definitely went wrong when they went to spread the ashes.

They had planned it all out. Sunrise on the mountain. They would each take the ashes and share a memory, or a poem, or a song, whatever they felt at that moment. Then they would take the beautiful golden scoop they bought just for that day and dip it in the bag and spread some of her ashes before passing the bag and the scoop to the next person. And by the time they were done the sun would be up and shining on the spot where their mother would spend eternity. It was going to be lovely. Just a perfect ceremony.

But somehow the beautiful golden scoop was forgotten on the counter in their mother’s house. So they had to improvise with an empty fast food coffee cup that Jason had in his rental car. It was a little larger than the golden scoop, and not nearly as beautiful, but they had all agreed that their mother’s love of a good cup of coffee first thing in the morning meant this was still an appropriate choice.

That wasn’t where it all went wrong.

When Jason opened the bag containing their mother’s ashes and took a deep breath to get ready to speak some, well, some of their mother floated up in the breeze and caused him to sneeze. And as he was trying not to sneeze the thing that happens when you try not to sneeze happened. He sneezed harder, jerking his arms and forcing the larger than the beautiful golden scoop coffee cup into the bag which ripped the side of the bag, which in turn shifted the weight of the ashes tearing the bag completely along the seam and dumping them all out on to the ground with a soft floop like sound and a cloud of ash that then made Jason sneeze again and again. And not only sneeze but jerk his entire body so he then kicked the little pile of ashes at his feet spreading them out and mixing them with the dirt.

It had all gone wrong.

Everyone was horrified.

For a moment.

Then Grace began to giggle. She caught Allie’s eye and she also started to laugh. The telepathy that forms from shared memory spread and Jason began to laugh as well. Their spouses weren’t sure if this was just grief overcoming them or if it was another sign that they had married crazy people.

Grace wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes and said, “The turkey…”

Then Allie gasped out, “The cake!”

And all together the three siblings said, “The pantry shelves!”

They laughed so hard they had to hold each other up.

Finally Allie got enough control of herself to say, “Rest in peace, Mom, we miss you so much.”

That evening the siblings and their spouses shared stories.

The Thanksgiving dinner when their mother had tripped over the dog and dropped the turkey as she pulled it out of the oven. Also known as the day they decided the sides really were the best part of the meal. Or the day their dog, Rufus “Worth It” Jones, got his middle name.

The Welcome Home cake their mother tried to bake for their father when he had been traveling for business. She had put the flour on the edge of the counter not realizing she had caught her sleeve under the bag. As she pulled her arm back the flour had fallen. Hitting the edge of the open drawer below and exploding all over the kitchen. Their father had come home early to surprise her and found her standing in a cloud of flour dust. They were both surprised.

And the time she had pulled the entire set of pantry shelves down trying to reach a pitcher on the top shelf. The resulting mess in the pantry took hours to clean up and they never really got all of it. Years later they would find traces of “the great pantry demolition of ‘85.”

Their mother had not been a beautiful golden scoop, sunrise beaming on the mountain top, perfect ceremony type of woman. She had been a bit of a mess to be honest. So the moment it all went wrong on the mountain top was actually the moment they knew it would be alright.

Favorite Things...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...who the hell lists those things as favorite things?"

"What?"

"The song, she talks about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens as being some of her favorite things. Don't those seem like lame favorites? I mean if there are raindrops on the roses then it's, you know, raining and that's that for being outside. And whiskers on kittens? Like some cats don't have whiskers? All kittens have whiskers so why is that a favorite? Oh I like bad weather and animal hair...these are my favorite things."

"Where in the world did all of this come from?"

"I've just been thinking about it. Like actually paying attention to the lyrics. Warm woolen mittens, that's another one. Wool mittens are the lamest. Anyone who ever lived in a snowy place can tell you that. You can't make snowballs with them because the snow just sticks to the mitten. They get all wet and cold if you are in the snow at all. Wool mittens are the worst. And brown paper packages tied up with string? Come on. That's just boring. How about glitter wrapping paper with multicolored bows? That I'd believe."

"Wow. This is really bugging you isn't it?"

"It is. I think we've given it a pass for way too long. Just because Julie Andrews is a goddess that's no excuse to ignore dumb lyrics."

"Maybe the things that are favorites are supposed to be really simple. You know happiness is where you find it sort of thing?"

"I'm fine with enjoy the simple things, but the song isn't Happy in the Plain, it's My Favorite Things. She literally lists winter that melts into spring as a favorite thing. Do you know what happens when winter melts into spring? Mud. Mud is one of her favorite things. Come on!"

"I really think you are taking this too personal. Maybe find a different song to think about?"

"Like what? That stupid George Michael one where he talks about giving someone his heart and the next day that person gives it away? How in the world is he giving your heart to someone else? That's not a thing that can happen. You can't regift a heart."

"I think he means that he thought it was more of a relationship than it was."

"Sure, that's what he means, but that's not what he SAYS."

"So you are only in favor of literal song lyrics is that it?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Kind of takes the poetry out of things."

"Poetry? Like turning the plural of hippopotamus to hippopotamuses?"

"Well, that's a kid's song. It's just supposed to be fun."

"It is supposed to be, but it's not. It's just annoying. Nobody really wants a hippopotamus for Christmas. Where would you even keep it?"

"She's a kid. Kids don't think of those things. You can't be mad that a kid is not thinking logically."

"A kid didn't write that song. An adult wrote that song thinking what would a goofy kid want? They shouldn't be encouraging kids asking for things they can't ever have."

"So maybe there should be a song out there that encourages kids to ask for easier things?"

"Yes! Exactly!"

"Like warm woolen mittens or brown paper packages tied up with string?"

Blame Game!

So who are you blaming right now? Whose fault is it that you aren't getting what you want, doing what you want, seeing what you want? Or are you currently being blamed for someone else's problems?

Read an interview with the head Republican on the Judiciary committee where he was blaming the Democrats for not letting Republicans have witnesses. He was incensed. And he should be! I mean that's not right! But I mean, it really isn't right. The quick fact check on it is that Republicans have been there every step of the way and able to ask witness questions just as often as the Democrats. The people he was furious about not being able to be questioned weren't questioned because Trump told them they couldn't be. The documents he thinks are important to be seen aren't being released by, yep you guessed it, the White House. But it's easier for him to blame someone else than his own party.

And the people in his party will pick up that banner and yell about it not once really considering that it's their own party that's blocking their access to that information.

Because it's easier to blame other people than it is to take the responsibility for yourself.

It happens every day. You see it in politics, like here and also in the whole "IMMIGRANTS ARE TAKING YOUR JOBS!" because it's easier to blame someone you don't know for your current situation than look at the person you voted for who is blocking higher wages and is more worried about loosening regulations so companies can have higher profits than they are with making sure you are safe and well paid.  Blame to the others, don't look at your part in it.

You see it in generations. I've talked about it before, the weird disconnect for me with the hatred of the "Everybody gets a trophy" generation from the generation who gave them the damn trophies. It's easier to blame these kids today for not wanting to do things the way they've always been done than to actually listen to why they might want to do things differently. Spoiler alert, they have some real valid reasons.

You see it when marriages fall apart. Especially if there was an affair. It's easier to imbue the other man or woman with strong mysterious seduction powers than to admit that it had been months since the two of you had a conversation, or complimented each other, or even just sat comfortably with each other. If it's their fault, then it's not yours.

Here's one I know for me. I have someone who (unless they've finally gotten over it) blames me for their business failing. It was easier to say I did it than it was to look at all of the bad financial decisions they had made that led to it happening. It made them feel better to say that my leaving caused a cascade to happen instead of seeing that cascade had already started and I couldn't have held it together anymore than anyone else. But because I was there I was a handy scapegoat so they never had to look at themselves and take on their own blame.

It's just easier to blame someone else than to think badly of ourselves.

Either that we make bad decisions. Or that we weren't paying attention when we should have been. Or we trusted the wrong people. Or the wrong philosophy. It's just easier.

Now that's not to say that sometimes things really are someone else's fault. Sometimes people do horrible things to other people. Sometimes the situation you are in is fully on someone else. But when you realize that you are in a bad place? Well then you need to start looking at what you can do to get someplace better. Don't blame others when you have options.

I write about my faults and my flaws and my craziness. That's all there because of genetics, upbringing, experiences. Those are reasons. But how I deal with them now? That's on me. I can't blame my past for my future. I can only say that because of my past I have this path to walk and be careful of in the future. Does that make sense? 

Be in charge of your own life.
Look at what you can do to make things better.
Listen to other people when they tell you things.
Understand that it's not really on anyone else that you aren't happy.
And for goodness sake, testify before Congress when you are called.

Or don't blame me when we think you're obstructing justice.

Night Vision...

"It's better if you don't look directly, but sort of sideways. Use your peripheral vision."

"Why?"

"I don't know why. I just know it works better. Everyone does that thing where they open their eyes really wide and stare. That doesn't work. Sideways. Look away and sort of sneak up on it."

"You want me to sneak up on what I'm looking for in the dark, when I can't see what I'm looking for to sneak up on it?"

"Yeah. Well, no, I mean, I know you can't see what you're looking for so you aren't really sneaking up on it, but you are sort of sneaking up on the whole night this way."

"Okay..."

"I'm serious. It really does work better."

"How about if I just turn the flashlight on my phone on?"

"So that's great if you are looking at a specific spot. Like if you are walking a trail and don't want to trip or something, that would work, but if you are looking for things in the dark then that just makes everything outside of the flashlight beam basically invisible. Plus it totally wrecks any night vision you might have."

"So no flashlights, no direct looking, anything else?"

"Try to be quiet."

"Excuse me?"

"Not now. I mean when you are looking. Listen. You can't see well, but your hearing is still good. And there is less other activity in the dark so it seems like you can hear things much quicker than you would in the light."

"If there's less activity in the dark why don't we look in the light?"

"Less human activity. Less daily noise. Radios, cars, cell phones ringing, TVs blaring, kids playing outside. All of that settles down. Eventually. I mean you have to wait until full dark."

"Full dark? Like after sunset?"

"Oh no. Like after midnight. Maybe even closer to 2 or 3 AM. Full dark. Time for the light of the day, natural and manmade to fade."

"So how often do you go look?"

"Basically just a few days each month. I look when the moon is full and look when the moon is new."

"Wouldn't a full moon mean there was too much light?"

"Reflected light. So sometimes that helps. But honestly I find more during the new moon. I think I was taught to go out during the full moon to be seen as much as to see."

"To be seen?"

"Yeah."

"By what?"

"Look sideways. No flashlights. Listen closely."

Easing In...

I always wonder if it's better to know you are crazy or to not know and just think you're normal.

I tend to land on the side of better to know, because I like to know things, and also because that way I feel like I can feign control of the things that seem out of control at times.

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We decorate for Christmas after Thanksgiving. I'm not an early goer normally. This year I considered it, Thanksgiving was really late, lights and glitter make people happy and we could use more happy in the world. But I just wasn't prepared to have Thanksgiving by the light of the Christmas tree so I didn't.

The day after Thanksgiving Brent started to bring up the Christmas decorations and I started to put all of my normal things away to get ready and...

The boxes sat untouched.

I asked Christopher if he cared about helping decorate and he didn't.

Brent had a nasty cold all last week so I wasn't going to let him decorate the outside.

So all of the things sat untouched.

Sunday night Christopher went back to Bend, Monday morning Brent went to California. Two days on my own to get Christmas knocked out. It takes a good few hours to get it all out and set up and arranged just so.

Last night I had done...well...none of it.

I just couldn't find it in me to do it all.

Just sat and stared at all of the things thinking, do I want to?

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Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day watching MasterClasses. My subscription was going to run out today and I wanted to get through the couple of instructors they had added the end of November. This morning I realized that I should have written a blog yesterday because it was my last chance at a five star day. (Stars for goals, it's been my way of tracking my goals for the past few years) The most I can get without the MasterClass star (which is now unavailable) is four. I didn't write Sunday or Monday so zero five star days in December.

Bummer.

And odd that I didn't really think about it earlier. Because, please believe, I would have written something just to get those two five star days. I think because I'm not doing anything next year though I've already started to transition into not thinking about constantly reaching for that star.

Maybe.

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Last week when I was talking to Skippy on definitely not her birthday because I could see the calendar right in front of me while we talked, we talked about not watching the news. She has been on a massive road trip for the past 6 months and has been disconnected from most of the news and the daily politics and has loved it. Which I totally get. When we went to Hawaii last month it was during the start of the impeachment hearings and not having to deal with the onslaught of coverage was so nice.

Because nothing changes. Not really. I mean I told you ages ago that Trump will be impeached but not removed. Next month or whenever they get to it he will be impeached but not removed. You see the Republicans changing their defense daily trying to find what will stick, but they don't really care what they are saying, they have made up their minds. The other side is the same. I've listened to a lot of people try to tell me what Trump did was bad, sure, but impeachable? Nah. And I think, you are high. I mean, honestly, I read the Mueller report, he should have been impeached before but it was too complicated for people to easily understand and when Barr lied about what it said that was that for most Republicans. They didn't read it. They think it exonerated him. I did. It doesn't. This is not the first impeachable thing he's done.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing changes.

In 2016 I practically made myself sick trying to get people to pay attention. Conservatives who thought Trump would be fine. Liberals who didn't want me to talk about the Supreme Court because who cares? Well now they care...and every time Ruth Bader Ginsburg gets sick we all feel that stomach drop. Because you should have cared last election cycle and you didn't. So Garland doesn't sit on the bench and Gorsuch and I LIKE BEER! do.

So yeah, I'm thinking that I might sit this cycle out a bit.

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So then...today I started to think. Uh oh.

I don't want to decorate for Christmas.
I'm already unconcerned with finishing my 2019 goals.
I don't care about keeping up with politics next year.

Is this okay or is this a little bit of a depressive swing biting around the edges? I mean, I've been worried about it since Mom died. What is normal sad on a normal day and what is the start of a bad swing? And if it's a bad swing would I notice it? I mean I know when I'm full manic, and I know when I'm not. Even if I don't really have big swings, I know the difference. But what is this? Is this crazy or is this normal?

Which let's face it, my normal is slightly crazy.

So I wonder, is it better to know you are crazy and not be able to do anything to stop it or is it better to think you are normal and not notice when you get crazy?

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Today I put out some of the decorations. I think a few are good this year. I don't want the really busy crowded Christmas this year.

Because my mother was the Queen of Christmas clutter. So much stuff. Inside and outside. And this year I'd really rather not have that, but that's a totally normal reaction. The year after Dad died we had a quiet Christmas as well. 

And I read a few things on the latest impeachment news because that's moving forward. And I really think I should be an informed citizen to make sure that I'm not a gullible one.

And I'm writing a blog because four stars is better than three. And if I were to review the workbook I printed out from the last MasterClass that would actually count (my game, my rules) so I could get five today.

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So right now I think I'm fine. I think everything is a perfectly normal response to a crazy world. But I still wanted to write it all down and look at it to make sure. And keep track. And hope. 

Which is better?

November Recap!

And another month draws to a close. This will be the last of the monthly recaps since next month will be the yearly one. Finally.

Fitness/Weight! Got back to the gym much more regularly, if you don't count the mini-vacation to Hawaii in the middle. Though we were active every day when we were there so that actually worked out fine. I was down in weight from last month right up until the past few days...hmm..wonder what happened there. It's been a good Thanksgiving. Right now my end of year goal is actually to try and drop this and get to flat for the year. Not at all where I started the year thinking I wanted to be but as you know I'm trying to reach for acceptance now. Oh, and the circuit thing I was trying last month? Yeah, I stuck with it until we went to Hawaii and then when we came back I went back to splits. I lift too much now for circuits to really tax my muscles and my knees are too bad to be able to really hit the cardio hard enough to balance it. So splits it is.

Reading! According to Goodreads I am three books ahead of schedule and I need to read 4 by the end of December basically a book a week. I've still got one more of the Discworld books to read but I've got it on my Kindle waiting to finish The Starless Sea so that will be done as well.

Writing! After this blog I will be one ahead for the year so I'll need 13 for December. Not where I was hoping to be, since I wanted to be way ahead, but it's a totally doable number. I really am hoping for some fun Christmas story ideas to hit, though I don't need the fiction because I hit that goal this month. So with the submissions being hit last month, the fiction this month, I'm looking pretty good on hitting this one for the year.

MasterClass! After figuring out that my subscription will run out the first week of December I made a shift on the one a month to make it 12 overall and started RL Stine the end of October to carryover and become November's class. I never read RL Stine's books, C didn't really read RL Stine either, that I remember, but I was aware of him, of course. I mean the man cranks out books like Stephen King. It was such an enjoyable class. He doesn't really take what he does for a living seriously, I mean, clearly he is a huge success and has a way of writing that works for him, but he's pretty hilarious about it all. After him I took Joyce Carol Oates for my "December" class. She does take writing VERY seriously and as such the class was not nearly as enjoyable for me. I'm a write for fun because it amuses me writer. I've realized this over the years watching other people I know write and how the ones that take it seriously approach it vs. the ones who are like me and just write for shits and giggles approach it. First hint, I won't proof this before I post it let alone rewrite and edit.

Museum/Attraction! I was so excited for this one. OMSI (our science museum) had been sending me advertising for the Gingerbread exhibit for a month and they do really neat exhibits. So we went to this last Sunday expecting to see some really great Gingerbread creations and some things on the science of building with baked goods and...well...it wasn't that. There were four things. That's it. Two were cute, one was kind of lame and one was amazing. For a $15 ticket (since I wasn't planning on seeing anything else in the museum) it was really disappointing. But since we were there we saw the Exquisite Creatures exhibit and that was pretty amazing. So it wasn't what we went for, but it was worth the price. Sometimes that's the way it goes.

Long Term! I ended up choosing to sort the kitchen. I didn't really get rid of much, or even move much around but I did get a quick reminder of what I have and what I felt like I needed to replace. I'm still debating getting rid of a few more things but for now everything is safe.

So what's on tap for December?

Just finishing out the year. I've got a few more goals to hit so I will work towards those. Then on to preparing for 2020 and the no goal revolution. I think it's going to be nice. Maybe. We'll see.

Happy Thanksgiving!

You May Be Right, But I'm Not Wrong...

Over the past few weeks I've had two different friends say "I told you so" in their own ways about the same thing. One from the left and one from the right. One who would lean more towards anarchy and one towards libertarian. Which, let's face it folks, are pretty damn close really.

But anyway...

They both wanted to tell me that they have been right all along about the government, our government, and don't I feel foolish right about now for the years and years that I have insisted they are mostly trustworthy.

And I have to say for a little bit I was like, yeah, you're right, it's a mess. People are awful. It's so much worse than I had ever imagined. Doom, despair, misery...

But then...

Then I thought, well wait, am I wrong?

For those of you that know me well you know that I will admit when I am wrong, but I hate to be wrong so I will look at it VERY closely to make sure I am. (insert giant winky face here...I'm being a smartass...sort of...I do hate to be wrong, but I will admit it when I am and generally I don't struggle with it)

So anyway...I looked again.

And yes, right now looking at how completely messed up the government is it's really discouraging. But the reason why it looks so bad, why it's so hard to take is because it mostly worked before the past few years.

And yes, I can hear both of them screaming and gnashing their teeth at me right now, that it's only because I didn't KNOW what was going on that I THINK it wasn't this bad and that it's always been this bad and Epstein and the Clintons and Deep State and...

Shhh....

One of the biggest takeaways I've gotten from the Trump administration is how many of the things we all thought were rules and laws were merely formalities and we've always done it this ways. Trump has disrupted the system by refusing to follow the norms. Which a large group of people actually love about him. The same large group that will say "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" when someone gets hurt not following a rule, or "just do what the police tell you" when someone is killed for selling loose cigarettes...but I digress...

Anyway, the rule and order party is populated by a lot of people taking great joy in someone not following rule and order is what I'm saying.

But what that means for me, is that we can get back to a place where the norms are decent behavior. Where the standard is being a little more respectful. Where diplomacy is actually favored. If we were there, we can be there again.

I don't think it will be easy. Not at all. I think Trump is the culmination of years of standards slipping. Of people nipping around the edges of decency. And I don't think he's the worst there can ever be. I mean we've seen worse run and get elected, and re-elected, Steve King, I'm looking at you. So yeah, we should be paying a little more attention than we have been.

We should also look at making some changes in things that have been "just always done this way" and see if the need to be "this is now a law." Which is REALLY going to make my left and right friends crazy. MORE LAWS?? ARE YOU CRAZY???

Maybe.

Or maybe I still have faith that most people are decent and if we can just encourage the decent behavior again we can get to a place where the system isn't the worst. Where people are able to do good for others. That a career in service is an honorable thing.

You may be right, but I hope I'm not wrong.