I Am...

I am doing a combination thing with the Picture of the Day prompts this month. One feed that will be just using the cats in the photos, one not using the cats, and sometimes if the mood strikes me using the photo prompt as a blog prompt. 

That's today!

I am. 

That's the prompt. 

Now, I just did a whole theme week around the core of me which is basically I am. And I write all the time about what I think and feel and that's basically I am. So you wouldn't think I would have anything to add today on this. But if there's one thing I am, I am chatty. So here you are. 

Another thing I am? I am extremely self conscious about my legs. I mean, I grew up in New Mexico and school started when it was still hot and went through the first few months where it was getting hot and most of the people, like, 90% of the people I knew had never seen my legs unless they were wrapped in panty hose. Or at least above the knee. Sometimes I'd find a nice long skirt that I would wear, but for the most part, nope. Unless I was Daisy Duking it (with more modest shorts because I was also really self conscious about the size of my butt) I did not wear shorts in public.

I have spent more time and money on creams and pills and brushes and research on the efficacy and side effects of surgery to "fix" my legs than I would care to admit. And a large amount of that time was AFTER I found out in school that there was nothing I could have ever done about the cellulite. It's genetic. Has everything to do with your fascia and very little to do with your weight. So all of the years I spent starving myself thinking if I just got thin enough I would have smooth legs and a smooth butt were for nothing. 

But hope springs eternal and all that...

I mean, it's really dumb actually. But it is just that, hope. I want to have smooth legs. I've always wanted to have smooth legs. I have strong legs. If you ever think you are going to need a door kicked down I'm your girl. I have great endurance in my legs. I can walk all over Disneyland TWICE. I have soft legs. The skin is lovely to touch. But I don't have smooth legs and that always felt like some sort of embarrassing failure. 

Because I'm obsessive about my legs and I look at every one else's legs when I'm in public thinking how much better than mine they look I assume every one in public is looking at mine and thinking, wow, that's a lot of cellulite. She must be really out of shape and not take care of herself. How ugly and embarrassing for her.

Over the past few years I've been trying to get over it. Or if not over it at least stop letting it hold me back from wearing what I want to wear. Hawaii helped a lot with that. Seeing the variety of body types and shapes on display at the beaches and pools and out in town and never once thinking to myself, oh yuck! I realized that most people don't give a fuck about your body. The only people that really care are the companies that make all of the products that don't work on cellulite but sell you on the dream that they will. Right after they sell you on the nightmare that it's a problem anyway.

Beauty companies are often the ugliest of companies. First they make up what is wrong with you then they sell you a product that doesn't fix it so you go on a perpetual search for a miracle product for a made up problem.

I will never have smooth legs or a smooth butt. My fascia is loosely woven. That's just the way it goes. I will also probably always be self conscious about it because that was laid in when I was 9 or 10 and the first person told me I had cottage cheese thighs and should go on a diet. (Ironically dieting in the late 70s consisted mainly in eating cottage cheese). I will also keep trying to overcome that self conscious streak and wear things that look cute in my head before I put them on my body and I will hold that image tightly so I project the confidence needed to make it look cute to everyone else. Because that's always the secret to good fashion, wearing it well.  

So, for all of you wondering what my legs actually do look like...here you go. 

Had to hold the phone high to get the legs in the mirror

And (deep breath) the closer shot:

Feeling brave, might delete later.

I am:

Very self conscious about my legs (and butt)

I am:

Working on it.

I am:

Still trying to improve at 53 11/12.