I See You....

You all know I love a pattern and what I love THE MOST is when a pattern comes without force.

Today I published the last blog from what I wrote while Katie wasn't out yet and I was processing the new information that I have a daughter. Today is International Transgender Day of Visibility.

How fucking cool is THAT timing? 

(For anyone who hasn't read the other 8 pieces start here)

Katie let us know when she was ready to come out at work. That was the piece we were waiting on for her to fully come out everywhere else. We wanted to tell family first before there was a change on Facebook to Katie's name and status and we were worried about how it was going to go. 

Or not exactly worried, but not at all sure it was going to go well. I knew my brother's kids would be perfectly fine and my brother most likely would not be. My sisters were wild cards on how they would react. Brent's family is also very religious and conservative and we weren't sure. Though his cousin had posted something a month or so ago that made us both think....hmmm....maybe this is going to go well. And it did. Family was all on board with expressing nothing but love for Katie.

She came out at work and we got rolling. She changed her name and posted a "Hey! Great news!" status and I followed suit. 

And the reaction has been...

Well great actually. 

Mostly, like 98%, positive. A few responses that were clearly written to be neutral. Which I will take over negative for sure. And one hiccup. And even that hiccup was met with a long discussion about why what was posted was not okay and how to be better followed by a sincere apology and moving forward with more understanding. So I mean, that's outstanding right?

So here we are. Now we don't have to do the "which pronouns are you privy to" tango. We can freely use daughter, she, and Katie. Which I have to say feels so great. Just such a relief to not have to self censor when talking about my child and how great she is. Because I do spend a lot of time talking about her. I always have, that has not changed. 

What I hope this series did was give you just a little insight in how we processed finding out that our child is trans. I hope it gave you a little information on how families can adjust. And you know that when you've heard one story about transition you've heard, well, one story about transition. There is no standard transition story any more than there is one standard story for anyone's life. Everyone is unique. Everyone has their own challenges and their own blessings. 

For Katie we all really understand and appreciate that support from her parents was never going to be a challenge. She knew she could tell us and not worry about being rejected. But the world isn't just us. She also knows that there are going to be real challenges out there. 

For instance, because of where she was born unless the Federal government steps in with rule changes she is never going to be able to change her birth certificate. If she had been born where she was conceived or where she was raised that would be different. But Idaho is not California or Oregon so she will always have to have a paper trail of documents showing her old name to her real name. 

She will always have to be cautious in ways she wasn't before. When she was here cat sitting for us while we were on vacation we watched some Michigan basketball the day before she left. Her father and I were both in our Michigan shirts and I said something to Katie about not wearing hers. She said, "I'm saving it for tomorrow." I said, "Well aren't you optimistic!" thinking to myself that she was sure we'd win and she'd want to wear the one Michigan thing she brought the next day. Her response was, "Sure, let's go with that." It wasn't until the next day that I tripped to why she had saved it. She was flying back home that day and by wearing her Michigan shirt she presented a little more masculine. And all of her ID is in her old name right now. And she needed to catch and Uber for the ride home and that's a lot safer as a guy than a trans woman. 

She will always have to be cautious. 

The whole transition process will take a few years. Her HRT is going well and her doctors are happy with her levels right now. I also understand that there is a lot of curiosity out there around the whole process and I will answer questions. Sometimes the answer might be "that's really none of your business" but I will answer. What I will answer and talk about freely is what it's like as a parent of someone who came out as an adult. That's my lane. 

Right now I am torn between how much easier it is being the parent of an adult going through this and how much better it would have been for Katie if we could have started this much earlier. 

There are challenges on both fronts. If we had known before she went through her first puberty we could have stopped that and she would have a much easier time now with her image and her identity matching. But that would have been almost 20 years ago and I am not sure if we would have known enough to be helpful instead of harmful. My ideal thought would be to know what I know now, to have access to the resources I could get now and do them then. So you know, realistic wishes.

We can only do what we can do, right? And what we can do is be here for her however she needs us to be. 

And for us, for right now, for today the best thing we can do is say, We see you. In all of your newness and shine. We see you. 

And we love you. 

Updates and Catchups!

Part 8
One Two Three Four Five Six Seven 

Also at the bottom of this piece will be a link to the next and last one in this series. 

February 2022

Updates and Catchups!

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this space. Mainly because I started writing as a way to process everything. I thought it would take a lot of effort on my part to work through this transition space. Surprisingly and happily it really hasn’t. I was more worried about not being able to handle it than was warranted.

She is who she is. All that’s changed is she is feeling better about herself than she ever has. She has a language at her disposal now to explain why she felt the way she did growing up. It’s been really good for her. The pictures from Disneyland showed a much happier person than the pictures from Disney World did. Almost two years apart in time but worlds away in smile size.

She came home for Thanksgiving and for Christmas and we got to spend some time together. We misgendered her a few more times than we wish we had. Zero being the ideal number but our brains are used to using the other pronouns and name and when you get on autopilot it’s easy to slip up. But it’s not done out of malice, and it’s always corrected, and she says she understands so that’s good.

We also bought her a Christmas gift. As a family we’ve stopped exchanging presents but this year needed something to mark it. See all of the “Baby’s First Christmas” ornaments we have, have the wrong name on them. So, we bought an ornament that is a snowflake made out of Katie written over and over again. Katie’s First Christmas. She got a little teary eyed, so it was a hit.

She was able to tell one of her close friends. Like I mentioned Covid has slowed her coming out process down significantly. She wants to tell people face to face if she can, but face to face has been difficult. But she was able to tell him. And that went well. She thought it would, but you never are positive until you do it.

She’s also started the process of coming out at work. She told one of her managers and as soon as their HR person comes back from maternity leave she will start that process in full. We are getting really close to her being all the way out.

I am sure at that point there will be more things to deal with. Helping where we can with the legalities that need handled. Telling our friends and extended family and dealing with the fallout from that. I am hopeful that the majority of people we know handle everything in stride. She’s happy. She’s who she is. That’s all that matters. But, realistically, we know that there is probably going to be fallout. We are prepared. Or at least we think we are.

But for now, things are progressing. Katie seems much happier. We are having a really hard time not correcting people when they use her former name, so the switch is happening in our heads as to how we think of her. I found some photo albums to put the pictures from the wall in. I’m not getting rid of anything. She doesn’t feel that we need to, but I also don’t want to have this big HEY THIS WAS YOU WHEN YOU WEREN’T HAPPY wall of photos up anymore. That’s the part I’m still reconciling in my head. That my memories of their childhood are mine. And it’s okay.

Oh gosh, speaking of using “their childhood” I picked that up from Amy Schneider the Super Champion on Jeopardy. I noticed when she talked about her mother and her childhood she used “they.” And it really resonated with me. Because I didn’t raise Katie as a girl. I just didn’t. I didn’t know I was supposed to. My memories are of my little boy, but my adult child is a woman so how do I reconcile these things? They. They works so beautifully. Having a trans woman on TV night after night really helped a lot of people see her, I mean really see her. And hearing her speak about her life helped me find a new way to speak about my daughter’s childhood so I will be grateful for her for a long time.

Which brings us to now. Mid-February. We are still in a holding pattern but about to really take off. I would guess within a month Katie will be fully out and public and we will be able to talk about our daughter and what she’s up to in the world. If not I will try to keep writing here so I don’t miss capturing this time in our lives where our daughter is becoming herself.

Next

Family Time!

 Part Seven
One Two Three Four Five Six

I know I said I wasn't going to edit these, and I'm not, I'm just adding a piece right here. First off, as you can see there was a large time jump. The shopping blog was in July and this is October.

But the main thing I wanted to point out is how many of you noticed a change in Katie around this trip but couldn't say what it was. Not because you knew and were keeping her confidence (though a few of you suspected and I'm grateful for you giving her space to come out on her own) but that you didn't know and just saw how much happier she looked in the pictures. When I posted them so many people commented on how much fun she looked like she was having, how happy she looked. And it's true. The difference between the Disney World photos and the Disneyland photos is striking. 

October 2021

Family Time!

I haven’t written in a while. There wasn’t much to talk about or to process so no need to write. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) is moving along. A new name has been chosen. Some clothing style shifts have started. We talk on the phone weekly. But I try to make sure that I’m not just talking about transitioning. We’ve always talked on the phone weekly about what is happening in our lives, and there is more going on than just transition.

But what that has led to is feeling like nothing has really changed. Which for me it hasn’t. Not really. I had a child that I loved dearly and now I have a child that I love dearly. Their father and I have been working on a comfortable way to use pronouns and get used to a new name but without getting so comfortable with the new name and the pronouns that we out our child before they are ready.

Weird sort of limbo space.

Then came Disneyland. We had decided last year during the height of the pandemic that we would go to Disney as a family vacation once it was safe. That would be our Christmas and birthday presents. A fun family trip.  Once we were all vaccinated and it looked like Fall was going to be Covid contained, we booked. Delta variant made it a second consideration, but we went ahead with the trip figuring we were probably still pretty safe. Vaccinated and all.

Part of this whole process for us (Brent and I) has been trying to make sure we weren’t doing anything that would make this harder on our child. We need to be the safe space. The place they always know is home. Which means questions. Which can feel a little awkward, but only because they aren’t things we are used to asking. The round of questions for this trip included, “How do you feel about pictures?” “Are you comfortable sharing a room with us?” “What do you want us to call you?”

And that last one was a big one. Because this was going to be out in public. Everyone listening. For the first time. She said she had been thinking about it and wanted us to use feminine pronouns and call her Katie. So we did. Usually. Mostly. I mean, we slipped up and apologized each time we did. Because it’s hard. She’s been on HRT for four months basically and the changes are subtle at this point. Her hair is longer, her clothes are a little different than what she used to wear, but mostly just more colors. But she still looks pretty much the same. She still sounds the same. She still acts the same. Which makes sense. I mean she is still who she’s always been. Just starting to be more comfortable in her body and her feelings. So we screwed up sometimes.

But we really tried.

And as you’ve now noticed I’ve switched to using she and her in this writing. If she’s comfortable with us using them in public then we are progressing to using them full time. I’m still not sure when she will come out to everyone. The pandemic has slowed that process for sure. She wants to tell people face to face. Hard to do when you aren’t seeing people. So for now it’s still just us and an online community she has.

But she’s Katie. She’s Katie on our shared accounts. She’s Katie when we talk about her. She is she and her and our daughter. Except when we are talking to other people and then we are back to trying our hardest to not use pronouns at all. It’s temporary, eventually she will let us know that we are able to talk freely. But for now and while at Disney we really made the effort to transition name and pronouns.

I said earlier that the changes are really subtle. At one point Brent said he was going to have to stand next to her to really see but he was pretty sure she is taller than she used to be. I said I didn’t think she was any taller in actuality, but she’s standing up straighter. Her posture is reflecting that she feels better about herself. What more do you need as a parent than that?

We all say we want our children to be happy, but do you really understand what that might mean? She is happier now. And I hope that as she goes through all of the steps of transitioning and starts to interact with the world as a trans woman that that happiness holds. I hope that the feeling she has right now that she is on the right track, that she is finally feeling herself as whole, that she feels like a person, a whole person, I hope that holds. Because I just want my daughter to be happy. I want her to experience a full and joyful life.

And the fact that the first time her name and her pronouns were used in public was at the Happiest Place on Earth seems like a good omen for that.

At least it does to me.

Next

Time to Go Shopping...

Part 6 go back if you missed the others
One Two Three Four Five

 July 2021

Time to Go Shopping

I know I mentioned earlier how I felt badly for my child that they didn’t have a Gung Ho Girl! Mom to fall back on during their transition. But I realized that though I might not be the biggest fan of shopping and all of that at least I have experience with it, which is more than they have. So…we shopped.

While C was a teen they didn’t care at all about clothes. Now we know that a big part of that was the whole disassociation from their body. But it made shopping a challenge at times. There wasn’t much feedback. There wasn’t much help. Things needed to be soft and probably blue and other than that it was always kind of hit or miss on if something was liked at all.

So fast forward to now and clothes need to be bought. But we are looking at a challenging time for a while. They aren’t out yet so want to present as boy for the most part. But they also don’t want to be too strongly masculine either. I thought I knew the perfect solution and sent some outfit ideas along. Colorful bottom layers with patterned overshirts. Similar to a lot of what I wear, just swap the over shirt for a cardigan and you have a cornerstone of my wardrobe for years.

But everything was just too male for them. I was trying to find a balance that softened up a masculine edge without getting too feminine and also not trying to present as gay male. It was harder than I thought it would be. And also turned out to not be what they were looking for.

Back to the drawing board. They sent me some pictures of things they had already bought that they liked and felt comfortable wearing.

Women’s t-shirts fit the bill. Not super feminine, they are t-shirts after all, but still a woman’s cut. And soft. And in colors that are pretty without being frilly. Men’s jeans and shorts, the clothing is cut differently and right now men’s cuts are a space where they are going to find an easier time with sizes.

Which then led us to the other “ugh” conversation. They are heavy. And as a man there is judgement and grief attached to that. Everyone feels like they get to comment on heavy people’s bodies. Don’t, by the way, you don’t have the right and you shouldn’t. It’s rude. But people do. And where men get grief women get worse. And where women are judged and graded trans women are going to get it the worst. But the reality is the heavier they are the harder it’s going to be to find clothes that fit, clothes that look the way they want them to look and clothes that are an enhancement more than just coverings for the body.

For now, to start in finding clothes that fit, it’s going to be a blend of men’s and women’s clothing. I’m not sure if the hormone therapy will change the weight distribution a lot or if they are always going to be an apple shape. But women’s jeans expect you dip in further at the waist than they do right now. So it’s hard to find good fits.

Which is frustrating to me. I’m sure it’s worse for them, but for me it’s frustrating because I can’t find things that fit me due to my shape and now I can’t find things to fit my daughter because of theirs. We aren’t shaped the same and yet we are not able to just buy things and wear them without finagling and altering. And it’s frustrating because I don’t want to harp on their weight, their weight is just that, theirs, but I also want to be totally honest in the challenges coming their way.

Who knew shopping would come with so much baggage?

Okay, all of us who have ever shopped for a bathing suit under florescent lights.

But it does suck to have to introduce my daughter to the very personal part of it. They’ve watched me deal with it all their lives but from a distance so I’m not sure how much they’ve paid attention. And as it’s been my whole life, I have some brands I know will fit better than others. I have a style I’ve adapted (the don’t give a fuck style). I know what works for my body and what doesn’t. This is all going to be new for them. And it’s going to be changing. We don’t know where they will end up in a few years as far as shape goes. Basically, doing another round of puberty at almost 30. So, it’s all changing all the time.

The good news is that we found some things they liked. Some things that they feel fit well. Some things that they are comfortable wearing. I also found a couple of cute pieces of jewelry I sent along as well. A good necklace can really make you feel like everything is working.

I might not be the best shopper, but I’ve at least got the experience to help navigate with them as they figure all of this out. We’ll get there.

Next

A Rose by Any Other Name...

This is five:
One Two Three Four

June 2021

A Rose by Any Other Name

When C told us about their transition one of the questions I did ask was about their name. Had they given thought to it at all? And they had, they have one they think they will be using but they aren’t quite sure yet. For now, they will keep using their birth name. As they put it Chris isn’t a dead name just yet, it’s just been condemned.

Which is actually really hard for me.

And I get it. I do. This is their life. This is about what is best for them. This is their future. And I am here for them. And I will be supportive the whole way. But I also have my own feelings about it all. And this one, at least right now is hard.

If you don’t include my maiden name, just first middle and last my name and Brent’s name have the same number of letters. When we got our first pet I kept that numbering convention. I love a pattern. So during the pregnancy when we were looking at names I was trying really hard to keep that pattern. Each time I’d see a first name I liked I would try and match it up with a middle name that was the right length. We discovered pretty quickly that a lot of the names I was attracted to Brent did not care for. No Chase or Chance on his watch. We got down to Nicolas and Parker pretty quickly. And we were working with them a lot. Then one day Christopher just popped up. And it was like a gong sounded. Yes! This is right!

But the pattern was shot. Just Christopher on its own is as long as our first and middle names put together. So maybe just a first name no middle? But we didn’t like that flow. For a while it was Christopher Nicolas, but that didn’t seem right either. When we got the whole name to work together it was so good to us we actually called them Christopher Shaun for the first few months of their life. The whole thing! The number pattern was shot, but that C? That bridged the gap between B and D and made our little alphabet complete. I’ve called us my little alphabet family forever.  I love a pattern.

Their new name they are leaning toward does not start with C.

Well hell.

Then there is the wall of C.

C is an only child. Everything in their life was documented by photos. There are videos as well. We lived away from family and would make just random daily life videos to send back to the grandparents so they could watch C growing up.

What happens with the pictures?

And that’s where it gets really hard.

Not just the pictures but the whole past life parts.

Because while it was happening as far as I knew I was raising a little boy named Christopher. I can’t change that feeling. I can’t change those memories. And how do I talk about them or deal with them if my child needs me to put all of that away? And will they? I mean I don’t think C knows just yet how they will feel about old pictures and old names and old memories. Their transition is different from the “I’ve always felt like a girl trapped in a boy body” narrative we have all been told so often. So maybe they will never feel sad at old pictures. Or screw ups on name or gender identity from the past.

But those are the things that I think as a parent will be hard for me. And I know there are those who would say that it doesn’t matter what is hard for me because we are talking about C now. And I get that. And I agree. The most important thing is them and what they need. But…it’s still my life. It’s still a large part of my life. Being C’s mom has been the most important thing I’ve ever done. And all of that time, and all of those memories are of raising a boy. And I can’t change that. And I don’t want to change that.

Their gender is part of their identity. And it’s a part that never fit with them before. And they are getting a chance to change that. And I will be supportive and here for that whole journey. But I know it’s going to take some time for me to figure out how to blend the past with the present. To get used to a new name. A new presentation to the world.

I mentioned it to Brent and he said, “If they don’t like the old pictures, we’ll just take new.”

And that’s really it, isn’t it?

I’ll get used to a new name and might even find a new pattern that fits in my head with it.

I’ll take new pictures to fill the walls.

Like I said when I started this, we are all in transition right now. Some of it will be easier than other parts, but what matters is that we all move forward with kindness and understanding. Even for ourselves.

 
Next

Guilt...

Part Four 
Here are:

One

Two

Three

 June 2021

Guilt

I read a book this week titled Transgender 101. Yes, of course I did. Aside from writing to figure out my own head I read to put in more information so I can come to better conclusions. I am a researcher. If I need to understand something there will be 1001 Google searches and multiple books read. Which has been tricky as well. The whole being in the closet part of this transition process. I track my books on Goodreads. It’s a public list for anyone I’m friends with. And I have a few people who keep track of what I’m reading and use it as a recommendation list for themselves. So…adding a slew of books on transitioning and transgenderism is not exactly stealth.

I’ve hit on the plan to add a few to my current list and write a few down to add as read later. It’s not at all out of the norm for me to be reading books on trans lives, especially during Pride month and especially in the light of the anti-trans sentiment right now. So, a few books go on the list, but the ones with the titles like Parents of Adult Children who are Transitioning (or similar) go on the add it later list. I mean, I’d like to encourage as many people as possible to educate themselves about trans lives so if I can move that along without outing my child before they are ready, I’m down with that.

The book was decent, but really was 101. If you have no idea about gender or sexuality and the difference, it’s a good start. But if you already have a base education, it might not be enough. It also is already out of date in some areas. There have been changes in laws, changes in word choices, changes in the White House (thank goodness). But again, if you have no idea about any of it, it’s a decent little book. And it’s a quick read.

One part that stuck out for me though talked about parents and the guilt they feel. Guilt for a variety of reasons. Feeling like they did something wrong raising their child for them to be trans (nope, not me). Feeling like they are going to have to choose between religion and their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they are ashamed of their child (nope, not me). Feeling like they fucked up as a parent and didn’t notice their child was trans and could have used some help (nope…wait…well).

Yes. That’s where I am. I mentioned before that C talked about the feeling relating to when they got their glasses. That they had no idea that nobody else saw the world the way they did. That other people could see the mountain, just they couldn’t. And it’s so apropos a metaphor for how I feel. Because that still is one of those parenting things that I wonder how in the world I could have missed it. I mean, it’s not a little thing to not be able to see. I have a picture from their first trip to Disneyland where they are sitting on the train looking out at Disney pensively. Or I thought pensively…it’s actually that they are squinting because they can’t see anything! But I didn’t catch it until they were in fourth grade. Parenting fail.

Every time I see a little one in glasses I think, how did you catch that? How did you as a parent realize your child couldn’t see? Which really is translated to how did I not? How did I miss that? How could I have not noticed my child couldn’t see? Which is a big freaking deal!

So when I got to the section on parental guilt in the book, and the author talked about parents who felt badly because they never saw any signs, I felt it. Deeply. How could I have missed something so big? How could I have not noticed how unhappy they were? How disconnected they were?

And the truth is that I didn’t miss all of it. Not always. I just talked myself out of a lot of it. I mean, I never ever suspected that they were trans, not that sort of noticing. But their father and I have talked for years about how we were worried how singular they were. C is a loner. Has been a loner most of their life. They tend to have one or two friends at a time, and it takes awhile to make them. But Brent and I are also loners. We are introverts and socially just fine having limited contact with the outside world. So, I would tell myself that it was perfectly normal for C to be that way as well. Or even more so.

During the pandemic we worried more because at least Brent and I had contact with each other. C was living alone, working from home, no personal contact with anyone. And I worried that they were just too isolated. Then I would talk myself out of it, they have always been okay being on their own. Why was I worried? This is how they have always been.

Now I know that part of why this is how they have always been is because they’ve never felt super comfortable with themselves. And they thought everyone was like that. C has felt disconnected from their body, which lead to feeling disconnected with their life. Now that they have started to transition that is shifting. They are starting to see a different future. A path.

The fact that I didn’t realize they didn’t see one before? That’s hard.

So, I’m feeling a little guilty.

I’m trying to remind myself that they didn’t understand what they were feeling so there was no way I should have. But that doesn’t really feel true just yet.

All I can do is support my child now. Today. Tomorrow. I can’t go back and fix any errors in the past. I can’t go back in time and force myself to see what I missed. To get them glasses at 2 instead of 10. To encourage them to explore their feelings and see why they felt the way they did. I can’t do that. I can only be the best parent I can be for my adult child right now. And put the guilt aside.

Part of the family transition process, I think.

Next

New Kind of Pride...

 This is the third in the series if you've missed them here are links to:

One

Two

June, 2021

New Kind of Pride…

 

This is our first Pride month since our child came out as trans. But they aren’t fully out so we aren’t saying anything. Which is weird. When C told us we talked about telling other people. There was an article they had read that said basically everyone you tell before you are fully out you are just pulling into the closet with you. Which is so right. And please believe if my child needs me to stand in the closet with them that’s where I’ll be. But it is very much like having a big secret you can’t tell anyone. Not very much like, it is. It is having a secret you can’t tell anyone. Because the person who it really affects isn’t ready yet. And that’s the important piece.

Which leads us to our first Pride month with a trans child. And a secret. It’s odd.

Our first experience with Pride was accidentally running across the Pride Parade in Portland (gotta love an alliteration) when C was little. Like maybe 6 or 7, I think. My parents were up visiting, and we went to Saturday Market with them. We were walking from where we had parked to the car to the river front and turned a corner. Boom! Parade! Now it was 20 plus years ago, and Pride was a little less corporate sponsorship mass produced back then. What we saw was a float with a lot of men dancing. Most of them in at least some clothing, though what was covered and what was emphasized was eye catching for sure. Now even at the time I wasn’t worried about what C saw, I was worried about my parents. Though they did make great strides through their lives once Brian was out, they were still not exactly let me cheer you on at Pride people. I don’t think C would even remember it, but it was pretty funny at the time.

Before that I don’t think I was really aware of Pride parades more than I had heard the term Gay Pride Parade, maybe? Years later and a lot of history learned about Stonewall and the birth of the Pride Protests and it’s just part of life. And now that Pride has gone corporate it is everywhere. Every June 1, Rainbow Flags show up on more and more corporate logos. I don’t have a problem with it, though I know some allies and some LGBTQ+ people do. It’s Capitalism not Allyship. I mean if every company that sported a rainbow logo in June fought against the anti-trans bills sprouting up all over the country not a single one would pass. So, though I think the outward support is better than no support at all, I don’t think the actual support really goes all that deep. But still, and again, something is better than nothing.

Now Pride and being out is an interesting topic in our house. Has been since before C let us know. Because of me. Brent was the first one to basically say that he believed I was bisexual. Not in some sort of lascivious way like some guys are with their wives and girlfriends. Trying to get some buy in on a three way. He just said that he really believed if something happened to him my next relationship could very well be with a woman. And I do find women attractive in the same way that I find men. Though we disagree on what I would do if something happened to him. I fully believe I wouldn’t have another relationship. I’ve loved the one I have with him, obviously, but I do not feel like I would want to try another.

But aside from that I have never claimed the mantel of being bisexual because I’ve only ever had relationships with men. Maybe if Brent and I hadn’t married so young that would be different, but it isn’t. So, I feel like no struggle no mantle.  Ironically, or understandably, C has been the one to point out that often one of the hallmarks of bisexuality is not feeling gay enough to count. Like you feel that because you can pass and most people assume you are hetero you aren’t rainbow colored enough to march in the parade. It’s an interesting point.

I am pretty fluid in who I find attractive. Gender is far down the list of qualities that I consider if it ever even reaches that point. I tend to gravitate toward finding tall blonds attractive, but they could be Hemsworths or Therons or Caynes and it makes no difference to me which.  A sense of humor and kindness goes a lot further than what is between your legs. But a lot of that is because I’m not looking for a sexual relationship with anyone else than Brent. None of that matters when you are just talking about who you find attractive. But since I have not ever gone further than just saying “I find them attractive” I don’t really consider myself bisexual. Omni-attracted maybe fits more. No action, just appreciation.

All of that boils down to me saying we have always considered ourselves allies instead of part of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. And allies since it was just PFLAG, then still allies when it was just LGB, still going strong when they added the T, and still here with the QIA or Q+ or however people want to identify the letters. We are here. We will always be here. Allies. Now we just have one more reason why we need to stand strong. Even if they aren’t ready to come fully out to everyone else just yet.

So, as you might have noticed I switched pronouns. When Brent and I talk about our child now we have been avoiding pronouns all together and even their name. It’s not something we discussed with each other, it’s just something we both started doing on our own. Because we know and knowing makes it feel really disrespectful to misgender them. Now because they aren’t ready yet for us to share the news we have been super careful. And I was trying to use he/him and Christopher in this writing because that way I wouldn’t slip up somewhere else. But it just feels badly for me to do it. Like I’m causing pain where there doesn’t need to be. Which is slightly ridiculous because nobody is even reading this right now.

But that’s the way it feels.

So, I’ve decided that from here on out I’m using they/them, my child or C. That way if I screw up it’s not as noticeable. A lot of people are using they/them more and more now. Even when referring to people they know. It’s nonbinary. It doesn’t stick out. But it’s also not as icky feeling as still using he/him when you’ve been told “I’m a trans woman.” And child replaces boy in our conversations. Yes, we still called our adult child the boy. It was just another name. But child works. And C works on that level because now it just stands for Child instead of Christopher. Until they are ready to fully come out, I will stand in the closet with them but hopefully in a kind space.

And really that’s what Pride has always been about for allies. We stand with the LGBTQ+ community wherever you need us to stand. It’s just even more personal to us now.

Next

Really? Wow...

This is the second piece in the series, if you are just starting here I suggest you go back and read:

 One

June 2021

Really? Wow…

 

There is a common belief that a staunch Conservative does not change their thoughts about the LGBTQ+ community until they discover that community is part of their family. It’s even part of my own story of leaving the church. When I realized my nephew was gay (or would mostly likely be gay, as he was only a toddler at the time) I could not reconcile the church’s teachings that it was a choice to be gay with this little child. He was not making a choice. He was who he was. Once that piece fell the rest of the house of cards fell apart and I left.

It doesn’t always happen though. Sometimes the choice is made to stay with the conservative belief set and reject the family member. Which is heartbreaking. I’ve never understood it. How do you do that? And I’ve had people in the church tell me that it was because my faith wasn’t strong enough. I disagree, I think my faith was stronger. We just had faith in different things.

So, what happens when it’s flipped? When all of your liberal, accepting beliefs towards the outside world come closer? When it’s not a friend, or the child of friend but it’s your own child? What happens then? Do you practice what you preach, so to speak, or do you have a different reaction that is antithetical to your professed beliefs?

I told you earlier that my first words were Really? Wow. Because it did seem to come out of the blue. He wasn’t a feminine little boy. He isn’t a feminine man. I was completely unaware that this was something he was feeling. That he was in the wrong body. That he didn’t feel “right.”

Now, I mentioned my nephew before. He has always been really feminine. Still is. Paints his nails, does makeup, wears big flashy jewelry. He and his friends use she/her pronouns half the time. Which is common among some gay men. They call each other sis and say she. It’s been like this for so long that when he sent me a message that he wanted to talk to me about a big change coming in his life I actually assumed he was going to transition. That wasn’t it, it was his weight loss surgery, but I would not have been shocked by the other at all. But that was Brian. Christopher has never really said or done anything that made me think he would be the one to transition.

We talked about how he came to this realization. Briefly. Like I mentioned, he waited until the end of his visit to say anything. He wanted to tell us in person. Wanted to tell us both at the same time. But didn’t want to lay it on us right before we left for New Mexico and leave us to deal with this new information while dealing with the last of his grandmother’s estate. Basically, he wanted to let us know, then give us some time and space to process it all. But we did talk a little bit about it. How he came to understand that this is who he is.

It’s been a multiyear process. It’s not something he just woke up one day and realized OH! This is it! He likened it to when he first got his glasses. We lived in Colorado at the time, near Pike’s Peak. A GIANT mountain. That he’d never seen in any sort of detail. It had just been a blurry shape on the edge of his awareness. But because that had always been the way he saw the world he thought that was the way everyone saw the world. It wasn’t until he got his glasses that he realized it wasn’t like that for everyone else. He has never been comfortable in his body. He’s always felt a kind of emptiness or detachment. But he didn’t realize that it wasn’t the way everyone else felt.

It’s been a process for him to realize why. It wasn’t until he read some things written by other trans individuals describing the same feelings, and the change that happened after they started to transition that he realized there could be something different for him. As he explained I still kept circling back in my head to “but you’ve never been really feminine” and this is insane because I’m not overly feminine. I mean, I’m built like a cartoon version of woman, that’s just genetics, but my main wardrobe is t-shirts, hoodies and jeans. I do have a few girly things, but it’s not my staple. I’ve always felt more comfortable around men or non-traditional women. His mirror on the feminine world has been me. Who rails against gender norms and stereotypes all of the time. Who honestly believes that we are all on a spectrum of gender presentations and it’s just society that tries to box us into one or the other and still…I was sitting there trying to identify feminine traits in my transgender child.

Those gender norms are pervasive, people. They are there in your head even when you don’t think they are, or when you have been trying for years to get people to see they aren’t needed.

I apologized to him for not being a good resource on “girl” while he goes through this. I will not be the “Oh yay! We can go shopping together!” mom. I’m a little too butch for all of that. I told him caftans and muumuus are wonderful and comfortable as far as dresses go. We did talk about the pressure for women and clothing is different. Even when I’m in jeans and a t-shirt I am expected to look a certain way. Men get a lot more freedom in the schlub department. But honestly, as he feels more comfortable in his own body. As he embraces the she that she wants to be that “clothing is a thing I have to do I have no cares about it” could very well fade. We might end up with a fashionista on our hands. It’s all new and unknown at this point.

So, I know I’ve talked mostly about me here and there are two parents in this house so I’m going to give you a bit of Brent’s perspective here. I can’t give you all of it because I’m not him, but I don’t want you to think he moved away or something. 

Oddly enough a few weeks ago we were talking about trans issues and there was a story that had been out about how many people in the US knew a trans person. It’s higher now than it has been, but it’s still a fairly low percentage. Brent said he didn’t think he personally knew anyone. He knew of some people, he knew people who knew people, but the only person he knew that was trans is one of the rare people who transitioned back. His basic take on it all though was that it was none of his business. People could do what they wanted to do, just let him know how they want to be referred to, so he didn’t inadvertently insult them and that was all he needed to know.

I asked Brent on the way home from the airport how he was doing. He’s a silent person most of the time. It’s hard to gauge sometimes how he is doing, even for me. While we were talking to C about the future we talked about work and when he comes out there. He isn’t sure how it’s going to go. Gaming isn’t exactly a safe space for women, and as we talked about any place that isn’t safe for cis women is exponentially more dangerous for trans women. Brent told him to make sure he had a plan in place before he approached them. That was about all he said. Now, granted, I talked a LOT. I had a lot of questions. There was a lot of information I wanted to get before the plane left.  It was our usual dynamic; Brent is silent because he’s a fairly silent person but also because I don’t leave him a lot of space to fill.

Which lead to the question on the way home from the airport. How are you doing with all of this? He said that he was fine. That there was a lot there to take in but basically, it’s still none of his business. If this is what makes his child feel better, if this is what they need to be their most authentic self then that’s fine. He also said that it made a few things from C’s childhood make more sense. Which once he said that I started to revisit the way I viewed his childhood. And though I kept saying that there were no signs, I have to adjust that to say there were no overt signs. There were little things here and there that now make total sense but weren’t enough for me to recognize at the time. I wish we had. But then again, I have no idea how we would have dealt with all of this twenty years ago. It could have been more damaging than helpful.

I have a lot to learn. We have a lot to learn. It’s going to be a process, but I am glad to report that it didn’t change either one of our belief systems. Brent is still firmly in the this is none of my business camp. I am still in the you do what makes you feel right and comfortable in your own body camp. We are both still firmly in the I love my child no matter what camp. I think that’s the part that matters most and will help us all along this new journey the most.

Next

We Begin at the End...

Normally I wouldn't start a series with a recap but I feel like it's important with this one. 

My daughter came out to the world as trans yesterday. When she first told us I had a lot to process so I did what I do and I wrote. But since she was not ready to come out to the world yet I didn't post them. I always knew I would publish them eventually. You all know I use my blog to process my feelings, to let other people know they aren't alone in their feelings, and to try and push the world in the direction I would like it to go.

Because they were written starting almost a year ago they are not the language I would use now. They aren't the way I speak about my daughter now. But there is a reason for that and I explain in the posts. I just wanted everyone to be clear as to why they will read the way they do. 

I also want to say that, so far, everyone has been really lovely. Like REALLY lovely. I have had tears of love in my eyes repeatedly over the past few days as we first told family then friends. There has been some silence as well and I'm not sure if it's just they haven't seen the posts yet or if they have nothing positive to say so they are staying silent, but for the most part people have been really supportive of Katie and I am so grateful for that. 

She's going to need a strong circle of true allies. People who are willing to stand with her in spaces where people don't want her to be. People who are willing to push back against the arguments being made against her right now. Because you need to understand when politicians are talking about trans women they are talking about Katie. And if you have a hard time reconciling their image with who you know she is then you need to speak up. 

There aren't a lot of posts, it should take about a week of posting one a day to get through them and back to this one, but I hope they help anyone else going through transition as a family member or a friend. 

So let's begin shall we? 

May 2021

We Begin…

 

Telling me I’m wrong is not an easy thing for people to do. I really like being right. I’m often right. I enjoy being right. I mean, I will admit when I’m wrong, I will own up to it, but I hate it. Because I like being right. Especially when I get something right that other people get wrong.

When I was pregnant, I knew I was having a boy. Long before we had the ultrasound done, I just knew I was carrying a boy. I didn’t want a girl. I wanted a boy. I wasn’t sure what I would even do with a girl. I’m not super girly. I never really related to girls growing up. But I wasn’t worried about that because I was having a boy.

Yesterday my son let me know I was wrong. After a deep breath and a slowly enunciated sentence that I believe was practiced a few times the words, “I am a trans woman.” were said. My response? “Really? Wow.” Almost 30 years later I find out I was wrong.

Wow indeed.

He came home for the long weekend to help us out. We needed to go to New Mexico to take care of one last thing in his grandmother’s estate. Since we got the cats during the pandemic the longest they had ever been left alone was around 3 hours. We thought it was probably a good idea for them to have a house sitter the first time, and so I called C and asked if he would come. He said sure and he spent a couple days with them, then a day and half with us as well. And about a half hour or so before we left for the airport to send him back to Bend he told us. The timing was planned on his part.

Now, let me explain something here that is probably already pissing some of you off. He’s only tiptoed out so far. He’s asked us not to say anything to anyone because he’s not quite ready yet. When I talk about him, he wants me to talk about him as I have always done so I am still using masculine pronouns and his birth name. When he is ready for that to change, I will change. I’m not disrespecting him or dead naming him, I’m doing what he asked.

It’s going to be extremely hard not to edit and change to feminine and the new name when I do publish this, but I’m not going to do that either. If I start editing those things, I will be very tempted to edit more and give it a “now” polish instead of “then” reality. Because my now will be then by the time this sees the light of day and I am sure a lot of what I am thinking and feeling right now will seem wrong to me by then.

I write to process things. And I need to process this. But I also need to respect that this is C’s timeline. Although, I have to say it feels like there is more than one transition happening here.

C has spent a few years thinking about this, exploring the idea of it. Making realizations about himself and why he has always felt or not felt certain things. Asking questions and coming to conclusions. It wasn’t an easy process to even get this far. But we are just starting so, I apologized for everything we will get wrong and started my own journey, as he becomes fully who he is. As he drops “he” and becomes fully she and her, I will have to retrain my brain to say I have a daughter. And she does this. And she lives there. I will have to learn to think of a new name when I think of my child. And all of that is going to take some time.

Right now, mostly I’m just terrified. A giant gaping hole of fear opened in my gut that will live with me for the rest of my life. Being a woman in this world isn’t easy. Being a trans woman is harder than that. And dangerous. And right now, there is a large movement among the Conservatives to outlaw my child’s existence. To take away health care. To take away housing rights. To watch where they pee. To make their existence illegal. It’s all a political tactic and I was pissed about it before, now I’m pissed and terrified. Because violence against trans women is already statistically higher than other populations and the rhetoric those assholes are using is just going to make that worse. So, I’m scared. The world is about to get a lot more dangerous and hateful, and I wish that it weren’t, but it is.

I’m also at a loss as to how to be as supportive as he needs. He’s out in an online space where he feels safe. In that area he’s already going by she/her. He has started hormone therapy and is looking for the rest of the support system he will need. It’s a complicated process. And I don’t really know anything about it all. Like I said, I’ve already apologized for the mistakes I know I will make. I’ve made it as clear as I can that nothing I say wrong will be done from a hurtful place. That there is nothing but love for my child, always.  And he did let us know that we were the first offline people he told. And that he never had any doubt in how it would be received. Which could be the best parenting compliment we’ve ever gotten.

So, we start now. And I will write about all of it as it happens. Because I need to transition to having a daughter. I thought I never wanted one, but now that I have one, I have to say I was wrong about that too.

 

Next

Philosophy...

Reading just gets you in trouble. No wonder everyone wants books banned. You read them and then get new ideas and try and be better and then someone calls you dumb, or at least you think that's what they are doing but since they are only speaking in meme you aren't exactly sure what their point is, and someone else starts in on psy-ops and how we're all sheep and you're like...okay, fine, whatever, I'm burning that book. You win. 

So let me back up...

Just finished How to Be Perfect: The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question by Michael Schur. He's the guy who created The Good Place television show. And basically this is sort of that in book form. In that it's like the sampler platter of moral philosophers and their movements. I've read a few on my own and read other people explaining them as well. The whole understand this and you will know how to live feeling. 

Of course the problem is that they all disagree with each other so you end up just kind of spinning your wheels. (Chidi on The Good Place) And the other problem is that sometimes there really aren't good answers no matter what path you try and follow (the whole theme of The Good Place) So what do you do?

It was a good book. Interesting overview of a lot of different schools of thought. Very funny and a good thought provoker. It also led me to renewing my commitment to trying to mellow the fuck out. 

I realized that I probably needed to renew that commitment when I watched the State of the Union address and President Biden gave his four things we can all agree on ending. I think it was four? Anyway, his SURELY these are bipartisan things and we can all agree portion. And I thought, well, dude, you've now made them things we cannot agree on because you said them. Rain is wet is not something we can all agree on if you say it. Tucker Carlson will have a whole "Is rain actually wet, I'm just asking a question." segment ready to go and we will all be arguing...IT'S WET! JUST TOUCH IT! to I've been to the OCEAN, that's WET. This isn't even CLOSE to wet. 

I rolled my eyes and gave a tsch to the President of the United States of America for daring to insinuate that we could possibly be a United States of America over ANYTHING.

So...that makes me part of the problem doesn't it? 

I hate being part of the problem.

But then it gets complicated because there are real, actual, differences between sides of the aisle right now that I am NEVER going to find common ground over. So what should I do?

Which brings us to one of my guiding principles, do the best you can with what you have. 

I mean, it's that simple. We can only do the best we can, do the most good possible, with what we have.

For me that means doing what we do with charitable giving (technically that's doing good with what Brent has but it counts!), and also that means that if I know something that I think is important to share I need to make sure I share it. If I think I can do good by opening my mouth then keeping my mouth closed shouldn't be my choice. 

You all know I go back and forth with this all the time. The benefit:pain ratio. And what I tend to come to is the realization that I need to do what feels right to me and if it does good then great, if it doesn't then at least I know I tried and hopefully I didn't cause harm. 

Which leads us back up to that opening paragraph and burning the damn book. 

One of my conservative friends posted a mini screed against masking this morning. Basically that he saw someone out walking by themselves wearing a mask. There was a whole other chunk in there about fear and mandates and won't someone think of the children but I thought, You know what? I can address this part about the guy out by himself. I've talked about this before. To this friend and a few other friends who posted about people in cars by themselves wearing their masks and why would they do that?

BUT...I know what happens when I post on this person's page. I might be one of 4 liberal friends he has and I'm pretty sure he's got over a thousand Facebook friends. Anytime I've posted something that disagreed with him I've been savaged by his friends. Or at least they've tried, bless their hearts. And to be perfectly fair it happens to him on my page where he is one of probably 30 (I grew up religious and my family still is) conservatives amongst my few hundred friends. So generally when he posts something I just read it and walk away. The benefit does not outweigh the pain. 

If we were talking one on one we might reach some sort of understanding or at least a stopping point but when other people come in and start to add their two cents it's too much. And they always come. I envision a large group of his friends like the cartoon with the bulldog walking and the little dog jumping all around him, "Want to chase some cars, Spike?" just trying really hard to impress him and let him know they think he's the greatest. (Again, to be fair, he feels the same about my friends, he has told me he thinks they just agree with me on my page to be nice, umm...no they agree with me because they are all EXTRAORDINARILY brilliant.)

BUT...I had just finished that book. And one of my workouts today was preparation for a cleansing ceremony in the Mayan tradition and I'm supposed to think about things I want to change and improve on before the next workout and the actual ceremony (super interesting, sounds weird writing about it, but it's super interesting). So I've got my, hey, you, do the most good you can with what you have and right now the most good you can do is explain that there is nothing wrong or even all that weird about that guy. Even if you get push back, it's okay. You might not. You might actually make someone think, you know what? You're right. I don't know and it's not hurting me at all so why do I even care? And why have I made this whole thing about political lines and divisions anyway? Maybe it's time to see it for what it was, and start to move past! And then there would be a The More You Know shooting star rainbow and the world would...

Not work that way. The discussion between us was not super productive, a little bit of goal post moving and whataboutism. But I'm still thinking, do the best you can with what you have, remind him that for some of us this whole it's not a big deal attitude is actually really hurtful. And then the friends show up...and like I said, one called me stupid (I think, again meme that was one of those that is supposed to make you think it's deep and profound but actually means something ENTIRELY different if you know anything about well anything) and another who let me know the whole Covid thing has been a psy-ops creation for control and IT WORKED.

I sent him a private message saying I'm out. And that was that. 

So did I do any good? Who knows. One of the times I braved the space that is his page I ended up with a friend request from one of his few liberal friends who is just lovely and I'm glad to have her in my digital life and so I'm grateful for that. Maybe one of the three others saw my post and thought, well, at least I'm not the only one to think that. And maybe one of his conservative friends might read it and think, Hey, maybe I'm a little quick to judge someone in a mask just like some people in masks have been a little quick to judge me.

Maybe. 

Or maybe I need to figure out how to burn a digital book.