Weird Day...

It's been a weird day.

Right after I posted my blog yesterday I found out that my friend who recently had surgery was back in the hospital. She's improving now but they are keeping her in the ICU for a few days. It looks, right now, as though she had an adverse reaction to the pain medication they gave her. 

As soon as I heard, my mind did that split thing. One half super worried about her, and her recovery and the other half saying, "See? I told you that you shouldn't consider getting surgery." Because that fear reaction, that what if? is part of what keeps me from getting work done. Every single surgery you have comes with risk. And for me, that worry is larger than it logically should be. I mean, take my friend for instance, this is not the first procedure she's ever had done and the rest of them all went off with no issues. The percentage of good outcomes is much larger than the bad ones. But the bad ones carry more weight.

It's evolutionary. It made sense, when things were a lot more dangerous, to really mark and make note of the things that might possibly kill you. Gary ate the white berries and dropped dead, you might want to steer clear of the white berries. It's going to make a big impression. 

Today we (her other friends and I) have gotten updates on her condition and like I said it's improving. But I will have the knot of worry until she is safely home again. 

I also had a dream last night about another friend of mine that died almost two years ago. We fought in the dream. And as we were fighting the part of my mind that recognized it was a dream butted in, "hey, you don't want this to be the only interaction you have" and I tried to back out of the fight, but couldn't. 

It's not a hard one to figure out. The last interaction I had with him had been a fight. We hadn't spoken in almost a year when I got the word that he had died. It was really hard. Knowing that we would never reconcile was tough and still is tough. But I also have to admit that I couldn't have changed anything. Well, that's not true, clearly I could have, but I wouldn't have. What we fought over was important. Why we fought was important. If he had listened and changed he wouldn't have died when he did, or at least the way he did. So...I couldn't have changed what happened. I wouldn't have. It would not have been in me to do so. 

So I was thinking about him this morning with that same combination of grief and anger I had when he died and what was in my On This Day feed? Multiple posts from him. Jokes we had with each other, the time he turned me into a personalized meme, and just conversations held in comment sections. It was hard, the constant punch of when it was good. Which made the anger and the grief stronger.

So today has been a worried, angry, griefy day. Weird combination. And not the best for shopping.

I was part of the way through the grocery store before it really hit me. I bought extra random things at Target, I actually looked around Macy's when I was there to return something, and I had about four off list things that had cart jumped at the grocery store. None of that is super typical for me. As I was reaching for a bag of snack food I stopped and actually thought "What is up with this shopping today?"

The answer came fairly quickly. Worry. Anger. Grief.

Oh. That's why I thought I needed all of the random cleaning supplies and snacks. Got it.

I mean I didn't put them back but at least I know why I think I need them.

Here's to a speedy recovery and better dreams.