"Pardon the chaos we are having a retirement ceremony this afternoon and it's an outdoor event."
"It looks like it will be a popular party."
"The events are all very well attended. I know it's not always that way with other companies but here at The Institute we are all in this together. When one of us decides it's time to leave it's important that we all show up for support. And, I know, that sounds really pretentious even to my own ears, but it's hard to explain any other way. We are different around here."
"I know. Not that it's a bad thing, but you do have a bigger than life reputation as a company. So many people sitting on the boards of non-profits around town. The arts, healthcare, education. I mean if there is anybody doing anything there is someone from The Institute involved. Or at least it seems like that."
"That's pretty fair, actually. We try to make sure that anyone who can help is able to find space to help. You'll see that you are given a lot of time in your schedule to pursue things that interest you that are also beneficial to our greater society. For instance, you volunteer right now at Sister's of the Road?"
"Yes, I do."
"Don't look surprised, we reviewed your qualifications. Anyway, what if instead of just being able to volunteer a few hours at the shelter you were able to help them fund and build a new housing complex?"
"That would be amazing."
"To get to that point, you need to get on the board of directors. To get on the board of directors you need to show you are capable of holding such a position. And one way to do that is to work for The Institute. You'll find that just having your requests go out on our letter head get results."
"Like people showing up for interviews for jobs that they didn't apply for?"
"Let me get you settled with a few things before we see more of the campus. This is your employee manual. It's large, I know, but it's pretty easy to navigate, and it's been customized to you specifically, as much as possible. Of course there is an online version as well with an easy search function, but I know you prefer a written document when reviewing things."
"How did..."
"And this is your office. Good view of the courtyard there, if you want to watch the retirement ceremony later but don't feel comfortable actually being there this is actually a really good seat. I'm going to pop out for a bit but if you could look at the first few pages and fill out the questionnaire that would be really helpful. Just something we like to get a quick read on before people get too far in the weeds."
"Okay, sure. Did you want a copy of my CV to take with you?"
"Why would I need that?"
"I just wasn't sure if anyone else needed to review it?"
"That's all taken care of. But thank you for asking. That's a good quality you have. Not assuming everyone is already in the loop. Nicely done. I'll be back in a half hour. Make yourself, well at home really."
"Thank you."
"I'd pay attention to those questions if I were you."
"You startled me. I did not see you there!"
"Well I was being pretty quiet and to be perfectly fair I might have been hiding so I could talk to you alone."
"Okay, that's not creepy at all."
"I just want you to take the questionnaire seriously. A lot of people don't. I didn't, actually, and it can end up making a pretty big difference."
"Well you still got the job right? So even if you didn't take it too seriously it must not have hurt you too much?"
"Well, that remains to be seen, but I'm not overly optimistic."
"Excuse me?"
"Never mind. I just want you to get the chance to really think about what you are answering. It's not just some sort of weird personality test. It's important that you take it seriously."
"Okay. Thanks for the warning."
"Well, that's it for me then. If you don't mind, I just want to grab something out of the desk there."
"Oh, I'm sorry! Is this your office? I can move out of the way."
"No, it's not mine anymore, it used to be. I just left something in the drawer there when I cleared out everything else."
"Okay, sure, go ahead."
"Oh. Well. It's gone. They must have cleared it out before putting in your things. I thought I'd get a chance to...well never mind. What's done is done. Thanks for letting me check."
"These aren't really my things. They are just letting me use this office while I fill out the paperwork."
"Yeah, well...take those questions seriously."
"If you were a dog, what kind of a dog would you want to be? Honestly? These are the questions I'm supposed to take seriously?"
"Excuse me?"
"Oh sorry! I was talking to someone else...who seems to have gone?"
"Okay, then. Welcome to The Institute, by the way, I'm right next door if you need anything."
"Thanks. I'm just filling out this questionnaire."
"Oh the personality test. Yeah, it's an odd one. But I guess they can get a lot of information out of it. They've been really good at predicting the best work environment for me anyway. Okay, I'll duck back out and let you get to it."
...........
"All done?"
"Yeah. That was a lot."
"Too much?"
"Well..."
"I'll let you in on a little secret. The trick to a test like the one you just took is in the volume of questions. There were a lot of things asked that were the same question, just asked slightly differently. It gets to what you truly value. How you truly feel about things. Not what you think you should say, but what you really think. And then when you are feeling kind of numbed from the number of questions there are one of two in there that are actually getting real nuggets of information. What motivates you? What do you really want?"
"What type of dog would I be?"
"Okay, yes, that seems odd, but are you a Lab, a Chihuahua, a Boxer or a Dalmatian? I am guessing you answered Lab."
"I did. But doesn't everyone? I mean who wants to be thought of as a Chihuahua?"
"Chihuahuas fight above their weight class. They are the unexpected dog in a fight. The snappish ones. But why are you a Lab?"
"I view them as loyal, smart, working dogs, but not showy like a Dalmatian. Friendlier than a Chihuahua. Not as pugnacious as a Boxer."
"See? Look how much we just learned not only about you, but about how you view others."
"I see. I think I should go back and change a few answers."
"Too late! But don't worry. It's just a part of your file. We will have so much more information to put together your best work experience."
"Well that sounds very positive. When will I hear if I have the job?"
"Excuse me?"
"When will I know how this all goes? I mean, I am assuming I have a few more people to meet with today, but you are my point of contact right?"
"Oh. No. You aren't interviewing. You are already hired. We didn't send you a request did we? I mean, it's never happened before, but someone could have I guess?"
"Well it was a description of the job and the time of the interview."
"Did it say interview?"
"No. I guess not. Just the time and date to arrive."
"Well there we go. No mistake at all. You got the job information and the hire date and here we are."
"So I'm already hired?"
"Yes...didn't I say this was your office earlier?"
"You did, but I thought maybe it was just a 'to use now' your office?"
"No, this is your office. This is where you work. That is your employee manual. You'll find the pay and benefits to be much better than what you were previously making and honestly a little better than what you were hoping to negotiate to. Tomorrow you will meet the whole staff you will be working with and you will start on your career with The Institute. Today was really more of a showing you just a taste of the place preview."
"Oh. Wow. Okay. Actually I already sort of met two people so far. My next office neighbor popped their head in for a second when they thought I was talking to them. And the person whose office this use to be...."
"What?"
"The person who used to have this office? They were looking for something in the desk?"
"Oh that rascal. Yes, I bet they were. But choices were made and they couldn't really change direction after so many things were put in place to accommodate them. We haven't finished analyzing it yet so not sure if it was a literal poison pill or just a narcotic of some sort but...well. Anyway, I need to see to the finishing touches on the ceremony. You feel free to read up a little more in the manual there. And if you choose you can watch the retirement ceremony and call it a day?"
"Can I take the manual with me to read at my place this evening?"
"I think you're going to want to start with section 2. Okay, it's been a pleasure and now I really must be going. See you in the morning, and welcome, once again, to The Institute."
Section 2: Housing
Welcome to The Institute Housing Process! Please be assured that the move will be smooth and handled with out any undue stress on your part. Your first few nights will be spent at the Hotel Institute. Your key card is in the top drawer of your desk and if you pick up the phone an operator will arrange a car to drive you over. We've arranged a few changes of clothing and all of your incidentals while the contents of your house are being packed and moved.
What? Housing? I'll live here?
As you are currently unmarried and without children you will be living in one of our smaller "starter homes" in the single's division. This will give you plenty of opportunity to socialize with fellow Institute staff members who might share your interests. If your circumstances change a move to the couples and/or family subdivisions will be arranged. Lastly we have senior assisted living facilities depending, of course, on how you answered the retirement question in your intake quiz.
Wait? What? Retirement question? What retirement question? They started to think back through the 100s of rapid shot questions they had answered. There was one on the age you'd like to retire. And one on how you wanted to leave your job. Both had honest answers and suck up I want this job answers. That part they remembered. What were the specifics? There was a scale younger to older, and another from retire to a life of leisure on the beach or you'd have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming and beat me to death to leave. Which honestly seemed a little over the top but they still almost answered it that way. Sucking up in interviews was a time honored tradition right? But the advice, "Take these seriously" popped back up at that point and they had answered retire after making a significant change in the world (still a bit suck up but also true) and live out their last days relaxing with a good view and good books.
But honestly, why would they need to think about retirement just yet? And why would it matter what they answered?
The scream answered the question.
The kicking sealed it.
When the billy clubs came out "take it seriously" was etched in their brain.
There really was a great view of the courtyard from the office.
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